De Turkey and De Law, Page 2

Carter.

  LIGE

  You can't do nothin wid him dese days. He useter choose a game of

  cards when he wasn't out huntin, but now when he ain't out huntin

  varmints he's huntin' Daisy Blunt. (Enter Dave right with a shot-gun

  slung over his shoulder.)

  WALTER

  Come on, fish, lemme bend a five-up over yo' head. You looks just like

  my meat.

  DAVE

  Ahm on mah way to kill me a turkey gobbler, but if you and Lum thinks

  y'all's tush hawgs Ah'll stop long enough to take you down a

  button-hole lower. (He sets his gun down and finds a seat and draws it

  up to the card table)

  WALTER

  Naw, Dave, we aint going to fool wid no button-holes we gointer tear

  off de whole piece dat de button-holes is in. (They all get set) All

  right boys, turn it on and let de bad luck happen.

  LIGE

  (Probbing the deck) My deal.

  WALTER

  Watch yo'self Dave, don't get to worryin bout Daisy and let 'em ketch

  yo' jack.

  LUM

  (Winking) What you reckon he gointer be worryin' bout Daisy for? Dot's

  Jim's gal.

  DAVE

  Air Lawd, a heap sees but a few knows. Deal de cards man--you

  shufflin' a mighty lot.

  WALTER

  Sho is--must be tryin' to carry de cut to us.

  LIGE

  Aw, we ain't gonna cheat you, we gonna beat you. (He slams down the

  cards for Dave to cut) Wanna cut 'em?

  DAVE

  Nope. Taint no use cuttin' a rabbit out when you kin twist him out.

  Deal 'em! (Lige deals and turns up Jack of spades.)

  WALTER

  Yee-ee! Did you snatch dat Jack?

  LIGE

  Man, you know I ain't snatched no Jack. Whut you doin'?

  WALTER

  I'm beggin!

  LIGE

  Go ahead and tell 'em I sent you.

  WALTER

  Play just like ahm in New York, partner. (scratches his head) We

  oughter try to ketch dat Jack.

  LIGE

  Stick out yo' hand an' you'll draw back a nub.

  WALTER

  Whut you want me to play for you, partner?

  DAVE

  Play me a baby diamond.

  (Walter plays, then Lum, then Dave)

  LUM

  (Triumphant) Looka pardner, they doin all dat woofin on uh

  queen--sendin' women to do uh man's work. Watch me stomp her wid mah

  king (He slams his card down and collects the trick.) Now come un

  under dis ace! (They all play and he collects the trick.) Now whut you

  want me to play for you, pardner?

  LIGE

  How many times you seen de deck.

  LUM

  Twice

  LIGE

  Pull off wid yo' king.

  (Lum plays the king of spades. All the others play.)

  Look at ole low pardner. Ah knowed ah wuz gointer ketch him! Come

  right back at 'em.

  LUM

  (stands up and slams down the ace) Pack up, pardner. Ahm playin' mah

  knots, now all play now. Ho! Ho! Dere goes de queen'. De Jack's a

  gentleman! (Lige takes the Jack and sticks it up on his forehead in

  braggadocia.) Here comes de ten spot, pardner, ahm dumpin to yuh!

  LIGE

  (as he plays the Jack) Everybody git up off it and dump. High, low,

  Jack, game and gone from de first four.

  WALTER

  Gimme dem cards! Y'all carried de cub to us dat time. (riffles the

  cards elaborately) but de deal is in de high, tall house now. Dis is

  Booker T Washington spreadin his mess. (offers cards to Lige) Cut?

  LIGE

  Yeah, cut 'em and shoot 'em. I'd cut behind mah ma. (He cuts and

  Walter deals.)

  WALTER

  Well, whut sayin'?

  LUM

  I'm beggin.

  WALTER

  Get up off yo' knees. Youse dat one.

  LIGE

  Walter, you sho stacked dese cards.

  WALTER

  Aw, stop cryin' and play, man. Youse too old to be hollerin'

  titty-mama.

  LUM

  Dis ain't no hand, dis is a foot. What you want me to play for you

  partner?

  LIGE

  Play yo' own hand partner--I ain't nobody. Lead yo' bosses. (He leads

  the ace of clubs. Play goes round to dealer and Walter takes the card

  off the deck and slams it down.)

  WALTER

  Get up ol' deuce of diamonds and gallop off wid yo' load. Pardner, how

  many times you seen de deck?

  DAVE

  (Two times--(they make signals.)

  WALTER

  Watch dis ol' queen. Less go! (He begins to sing--Dave joins in.) When

  yo' card gits lucky, oh pardner, you oughter be in a rollin' game. (He

  speaks.) Ha! Ha! Wash day and no soap! (He sticks the Jack upon his

  forehead. He stands up and sings again.) Ahm goin' to de 'Bama Lawd.

  Pardner don't want no change. (He collects that trick and plays again.

  Dave also stands.)

  DAVE

  Here come de man from de White House--ol' king of diamonds. (Sings,

  all join.) Ahm goin' back to de Bama, Lawd. Pardner won't be worried

  wid you. (He collects the trick.) Never had no trouble, Lour pardner,

  till I stopped by here.

  (They all stand hilariously slam down their cards.

  WALTER

  Aw, wese just too hard for you boys--we eats our dinner out de

  blacksmith shop. Y'all can't bully dis game. (He solemnly reaches over

  and takes Dave's hand.)

  DAVE

  (to Walter) Mr. Hoover, you sho is a noble president. We done stuck

  dese shad-moufs full of cobs. They skeered to play us any mo'.

  LIGE

  Who skeered? Y'all jus' playin ketch up nohow. Git back down and lemme

  wrap uh five-up round yo' neck.

  DAVE

  (looking off right) Squat dat rabbit an' less jump another one. Here

  come Daisy.

  WALTER

  Aw Lord, you ain't no mo' good now. But Ah don't blame you, Dave, she

  looks warm.

  (Enter Daisy right with a scarlet hibiscus over each ear and smiling

  broadly.)

  LIGE

  (jumps down and takes Daisy by the arm) Come on up here, Daisy and

  ease Dave's pain. He's so crazy 'bout you his heart 'bout to burn a

  hole in his shirt. (She steps up on the porch)

  DAVE

  (Bashfully) Aw, y'all gwan. Ah kin talk.

  DAISY

  (Arms akimbo, impudently) Oh kin you? (She gets up close to Dave)

  DAVE

  (Pleased) You better git way from me fore Jim come long.

  DAISY

  (Coquettishly) Ain't you man enough to cover de ground you stand

  on?

  DAVE

  Oh, Ah can back my crap! Don't worry 'bout me. Where you headed for?

  DAISY

  Where _you_ goin? (Audaciously)

  DAVE

  Out by de cypress swamp to kill us uh turkey. Its uh great big ole

  gobbler--been slurring me fer six months. Ahm gointer git him today

  for you, and yo' mama gointer cook him.

  DAISY

  Ah sho would love the ham of turkey.

  DAVE

  (Patting his gun barrel) Well me an' ole Hannah sho gointer git you

  one. Look here, Daisy, will you choose uh bag of ground peas?

  DAISY

  I jus l
ove goobers

  DAVE

  (Sticking out his right elbow) You lak chicken?

  DAISY

  Yeah

  DAVE

  Take uh wing. (She locks arms with him and they strut inside the

  store.)

  LIGE

  Ah blieve dat fool is got some gumption. Jim Weston better watch out.

  WALTER

  Oh I ain't never figgered Dave was no fool. He's uh bottom fish. Jim

  talks all de time but Dave will run him uh hot--here he come now.

  (Looks off left. All look the same way.)

  LUM

  Lawd, don't he look mean? (She chuckles) Ah bet he know Daisy's here

  wid Dave. Ah wouldn't take nothin' for dis.

  (Enter Jim Weston left with a guitar looking very glum. He stops

  beside the step for a moment. Takes off his hat and fans with it.)

  JIM

  Howdy do, folks.

  ALL

  Howdy do, Jim.

  JIM

  Don't do all they say. (He sees the gun leaning against the rail) Who

  gun dat? (Points at the gun)

  LIGE

  You know so well whose gun dat is. Ah jus' heard him say he's goin out

  to git his gal uh ham of a turkey gobbler out round de cypress swamp.

  He's inside now treatin her to penders and candy. (He winks at the

  others and they wink back)

  WALTER

  (Turns and calls into the store) Say, Dave! Don't try to keep Daisy in

  dere all day. Her feller out here waitin to scorch her home.

  DAVE (from inside store)

  Let him come git her if she want him.

  LIGE

  Umph! dere now, de mule done kicked Rucker! (Calls inside to Dave) I

  hear you crowin, rooster. I know yo' nest aint far.

  HAMBO

  (From inside store) Yeah, dis rooster must know something--he's gittin

  plenty grit in his craw.

  (General laughter)

  (There is a gay burst of laughter from inside the store. In a moment

  Dave enters from the store with Daisy on his left arm. With his right

  he is stuffing shells into his pocket. The air is tense. Lindsay,

  Hambo and Joe Clarke all enter behind the couple)

  DAVE

  (Releases Daisy and steps to the edge of the porch right in front of

  Jim and looks up at the sky) Well, sun's gettin low--better git on out

  to de swamp and git dat gobbler. (He turns and picks up de gun and

  breaks it)

  JIM

  Lo Daisy. (Sullenly)

  DAISY

  (Brightly) Hello Jimmy (She is eating peanuts) Ain't Dave smart? He's

  gonna kill me uh turkey an' ah kin eat all ah wants.

  JIM

  He aint de onliest person kin shoot round here.

  LIGE

  Yeah, but he's best marksman just de same. Taint no use talkin, Jim.

  You can't buck Dave in de woods. But you got de world beat wid uh

  git-fiddle. Yessuh, Dave is uh sworn marksman but you kin really beat

  de box. Less have uh tune.

  JIM

  Oh I ain't for pickin no box. I come to git some shells for my rifle.

  Sorta figgered on uh wild turkey or two. (He comes up on the porch and

  starts in the store)

  DAISY

  If Dave go git me dat big ole turkey an' you go git me one too--gee!

  Wont I have uh turkey fit?

  LINDSAY

  Lord, Daisy, you gointer have dese boys killin up every turkey in

  Orange County.

  WALTER

  You mean _Dave_. Jim couldn't hit de side of uh barn wid uh brass

  fiddle.

  JIM

  (Hitching up his trousers) Who can't shoot? (to Clarke) Come on an'

  gimme un box uh shells. I'll show yuh who kin shoot! (He exits into

  store with Clarke behind him)

  DAVE

  (To Daisy) You wait here till ah git back wid yo' turkey.

  DAISY

  Ahm skeered.

  DAVE

  Whut you skeered of? Jim? He aint no booger boo, if his ears do flop

  lak uh mule.

  DAISY

  Naw. Ah aint skeered uh no Jim. Ah got tuh git back tuh de white folks

  an Ahm skeered tuh go round dat lake at night by myself. (Enter Jim

  from store and stands in door with box of shells in his hand)

  JIM

  No girl look like you don't have to go home by yo' self, if it was

  midnight.

  DAVE

  (Gun in hand and ready to exit) Naw, cause Ahm right here--

  JIM

  Daisy don't you trust yo'self round dat lake after dark, wid dat

  (points at Dave) breath and--britches. You needs uh real man to

  perteck you from dem 'gators and moccasins.

  DAVE

  Let somethin happen and she'll find out who got rabbit blood and who

  aint. Well, Ahm gone. (He steps down off the steps but looks back at

  Daisy).

  JIM

  Ahm goin too--git you uh great big ole turkey-rooster. (Dave takes a

  step or two towards left exit).

  DAISY

  Jim, aint you gointer knock off a li'l tune fo' you go? Ahm lonesome

  for some music.

  (Dave stops in his tracks and looks wistful. Jim sets down the shells

  on the bench and picks up his box with a swagger and tunes a bit.)

  WALTER

  Georgy Buck!

  JIM

  (Plays the air thru once then starts to sing. Dave leans his gun

  against the fence and stands there.)

  1.

  Georgy Buck is dead, last word he said

  I don't want no shortenin in my bread.

  2.

  Rabbit on de log--Aint got no dog

  How am I goin git him, God knows.

  (Dave walks on back near the step, and begins to buck a wing. Daisy

  comes down the step admiring both the playing and the dancing. All the

  men goin in singing and clapping)

  3.

  Rabbit on de log--aint got no dog

  Shoot him wid my rifle, bam! bam!

  4.

  Oh Georgie Buck is dead, last word he said

  Never let a woman have her way

  (The tempo rises. As Dave does a good break he brings up directly in

  front of Daisy. He grabs her and swings her into a slow drag. The

  porch cheers. Jim stops abruptly. (Enter two women, right and hurry up

  to the porch)

  1st WOMAN (LULU)

  Don't stop, Jim! Hit dat box a couple mo' licks so some of dese men

  kin scorch us in de store and treat us.

  JIM

  Aw, I dont feel lak no playin.

  DAVE

  (Grinning triumphantly) Ahm gone dis time to git dat turkey. Daisy run

  tell yo' ma to put on de hot water kittle (He exits left with gun on

  shoulder)

  DAISY

  Oh lemme see if I got a letter in de postoffice (She exits into store)

  JIM

  He better git for home fore ah bust dis box over his head.

  2nd WOMAN (Jenny)

  (Grabbing Lige) Aw, don't worry bout Dave Carter. Play us some music

  so I kin make Lige buy me some soda water. (She is playfully dragging

  Lige towards the door). Jenny you grab Walter.

  (Walter makes a break to jump off the porch and run. The woman catches

  him and there is a very gay bit of tussling as the men are dragged

  towards the door)

  1st WOMAN (Miss Lulu)

  I bet if this was Daisy, they'd uh done halted inside and toted out

  half de store.


  JENNY

  Yeah. (gets Walter to the door) Everything you hear is Daisy, Daisy,

  Daisy! Just cause she got a walk on her like she done gone crazy thru

  de hips! (Yanks Walter into the door) Yeah, y'all goin treat us. Come

  on!

  WALTER

  Yeah, but Daisy's uh young pullet and you gittin gray headed.

  JENNY

  Thank God I aint gray elsewhere! Come right on. You gointer buy me

  some soda water nigger. (to Jim) Play us some music, Jim, so we kin

  grand march up to de counter.

  JIM

  I can't play nothin--mad as I is. I'm one minute to boilin and two

  minutes to steam. I smell blood!

  MISS LULU

  You don't want to fight, do you?

  JIM

  Sho do. You aint never seen a Weston yet dat wouldn't fight, have you?

  LIGE

  Thats whut they all got run outa town for--fightin. (Calls into store)

  Hey, Joe, give Jenny and Lulu some soda water and ground peas on me so

  they'll turn us loose. (to Jim) Yeah, y'all Westons blieves in

  fightin.

  JIM

  Ahd ruther get run out for fightin than to be uh coward. (He slings

  the guitar round his neck an' picks up his box of shells.) Well, Ah

  reckon Ah'll go git Daisy her turkey cause she sho wont git none less

  Ah go git it. Here come Elder Simms anyhow now taint no mo' pickin de

  box. (to Daisy) Don't git lonesome whilst Ahm gone.

  (Enter Daisy from the store smiling, and walks down to where Jim is

  standing)

  DAISY

  Whuts all dis talk about fightin?

  JIM

  Lige throwin it up to me bout all my folks been run outa town for

  fightin. But I don't keer!

  DAISY

  Mah mouf done got lonesome already. Buy me some chewing gum to keep

  mah mouf comp'ny till y'all gits back wid dat turkey.

  JIM

  Don't hafta buy none. (reaches in his pocket and pulls out a stick)

  What it takes tuh satisfy de ladies, Ah totes it. (He hands her the

  gum tenderly) 'By, Daisy. (He walks to left exit)

  DAISY

  (Coyly) Bye, till you come back.

  (Enter Elder Simms right)

  Good evenin' everybody.

  ALL

  Good evenin', Elder Sims.

  LUM

  (Getting up from his seat on the porch) Have mah seat, Elder. Sims

  takes it with a sigh of pleasure. Lum steps off the porch and sets his

  hat over one eye) Say, Daisy, you aint goin to sprain yo' lil mouf on

  dat tough chewin gum, is yuh? Not wid de help _you_ got. Better lemme

  kinda tender dat gum up for yuh so yo' lil mouf won't hafta strain wid

  it. (He places himself exactly in front of her. She glances up coyly

  at him)

  DAISY

  Ain't you crazy, now? (Lum tries to snatch the gum but she pops it

  into her mouth and laughs as he seizes her hands.

  LUM

  You don't need no gum to keep yo' mouf company wid me around. Ahm all

  de compny yo' mouf need. Ahm sweet papa chewin and sweetness change.

  DAISY

  Tell dat to Bootsie Pitts, you cant fool me. (turns right) Guess Ah

  better go home and see mama. Ah ain't been round since Ah come from de

  white folk. You goin walk round there wid me?

  LUM

  Naw, Ah aint gointer _walk_. When Ahm wid de angels ah puts on mah

  hosanna wings and flies round heben lak de rest. (He falls in beside

  her and catches her elbow) Less go! (to the porch) See you later and

  tell you straighter.

  LINDSAY

  Don't stay round to Daisy's too long, Lum, and get run out from under

  yo' hat!

  LUM

  Who run?

  HAMBO

  Taint no use in you hollerin "who". Yo' feet don't fit no limb.

  (General laughter) (Exit Lum and Daisy right)

  WALTER

  Lawd! Daisy sho is propaganda. She really handles a lot of traffic. Ah

  don't blame de boys. If Ah was uh single man Ah'd be round there

  myself.

  LIGE

  Ahm willin tuh serve some time on her gang as it is, but mah wife

  won't lissen to reason. (Laughter) Ah tries to show her dis deep point

  where taint right for one woman to be harboring uh whole man all to

  herself when theres heaps uh po' young girls aint got no husband

  atall. But Ah just can't sense her into it.

  (Laughter)

  HAMBO

  Now take Jim and Dave for instant. Here they is, old friends, done

  fell out and ready to fight--all over Daisy.

  WALTER

  Thass me all over. I don't want no partnership when it comes to my

  women. Its whole hawg uh none. Lawd, what wimmen makes us do!

  LINDSAY

  What is it dey don't make us do. Now take for instant Jim Weston. He

  know he can't hunt wid Dave--Dave is uh sworn marksman, but jes' so as