Russell's Book of Secrets, Page 2

  - Anonymous

  Subject: Re: THIS IS A WARNING!

  I wouldn’t expect you to understand these new feelings that I have. I can assure you that they are most definitely real. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? My heart skips a beat, butterflies dance in my stomach, and I’m happy when I think of Them. But alas, you are right. I cannot place my happiness on the shoulders of others because no one is strong enough to bare that burden. I am overwhelmed by what I feel and I’m still learning how to deal. I have to do something before I lose Them forever and I never see You again. I stand here facing a dilemma – should I stand by the love I feel and possibly lose a friend, or do I keep this between us and plunge into the depths of despair, possibly losing myself? Time is running out, the time is now! God give me strength!

  - Russell

  THIS RIVER

  Like some extravagant dream I’ve been in,

  Now I realize how dumb I’ve been,

  When today I woke to the sound of your voice…

  As if I even had a choice.

  Love flows north and south or east and west,

  It must flow both ways to be at its best.

  My rivers flow only one way,

  One side is dry, I’ve seen that today.

  The door to my secret world, hidden from plain view;

  Of its existence, I wish you knew.

  The task at hand is too much for me,

  Overwhelmed at what the outcome could be.

  It’s amazing how much you can love someone,

  While they’re unaware of how far you’ve come.

  I’ve shed so many tears for you,

  Love’s pain has broken my heart in two.

  I would give it all away to have you next to me,

  To set my mind at ease with your reciprocity.

  Doing battle with my enemies,

  All to win your love for me.

  On a ticking time bomb,

  Rests this sweet love song.

  Only one question remains,

  Will I ever be the same?

  When time runs out, will you be standing by my side,

  Or will I lose you forever?

  PRESCRIPTION

  Sitting here in pain,

  But this hurt goes beyond the medicine cabinet.

  Tell me Doctor,

  What pill do you prescribe,

  When my heart aches,

  When my head is confused?

  What’s your diagnosis,

  When I look in the mirror,

  Not recognizing the person staring blankly back at me?

  An empty shell of my former self,

  Lost on the way to find myself.

  Feelings that should not be felt,

  Among things that should not be done,

  Living a secret life inside my head.

  Tell me Doctor, what do I do now?

  I wish I could make it all go away,

  My love for Them,

  Embedded deep in my soul.

  How can something so right, be so wrong?

  I’m going crazy,

  Losing my mind waiting for the day,

  The moment They allow me to feel Their warm reciprocity.

  They’re so close, yet so far,

  I can touch Them, but I can’t.

  I don’t know how I got here,

  I wish They were here with me.

  I’m all alone,

  Lost in the woods of my mind and heart.

  So tell me Doctor,

  Can you prescribe me a way out?

  WHO AM I?

  I’ve lost you a million times,

  On a quest to find you and make you mine.

  On a search for my true self,

  You’ve been slipping through my fingers with no help.

  This weight on my back I can no longer bare,

  Feels like mine plus everyone else’s there.

  Swallowed by my insecurities,

  Because I had no one here to reassure me.

  Now I sit in the belly of depression,

  Consumed by sadness I dare not mention.

  I wish I could just leave,

  But these invisible shackles cover me.

  This sad darkness is silent, yet loud,

  The voices in my head have become a crowd.

  This beautiful, funny, and intelligent individual,

  This classy, talented, deeply profound individual,

  Has been reduced to something ugly, dumb, shallow, and shy.

  Even all the people that helped me get here don’t know how or why.

  So here I sit, in a thunderous silence,

  Wondering where He went,

  And will He come rescue me…

  SO SORRY

  Staring at the clock on the wall, I wish I could turn back the hands,

  Of course you can try to move them anyway,

  But you must still live with what you’ve done and move forward.

  Why I’ve started this, I can’t find the words to say.

  I’ve needed this experience more than you’ll ever know.

  No longer looking in the mirror, now my reflection,

  What I have done to you makes me feel so low.

  You aren’t the first to my recollection.

  I told you that you offered me reciprocity,

  But that’s all I’ve been able to find.

  That is most important, but I need more than equality,

  I’m sorry to say, but I must move on and leave you behind.

  I’ve taken much from this experience,

  Ready, yet patient; preparing for love so that my days of waiting are well spent.

  I’ll know that I’ve made the right decision then.

  INSIDE

  Good, but not good enough.

  Broken in some places, dirty in others.

  I’m well aware of all the defects.

  Too many times I didn’t go the distance.

  Being eaten alive from the inside-out,

  Like termites tearing away at the questionable interior.

  I have to stop them, before they see the light of day.

  Eating away, wanting to escape.

  Light spills inside and uncovers what’s been hiding.

  I have to renovate before this happens.

  They only feed because I have provided the means,

  But why is it so hard to provide the end?

  With God on my side, I can fix my house,

  So it’s beautiful and clean inside, as well as out.

  LETTING GO

  Hello Father,

  It’s been a while since I spoke to you last,

  The last time I saw you, you really showed your ass.

  I let it go, I’ve moved on,

  And so much has happened since you’ve been gone.

  I made the honor roll in school the other day,

  I learned from watching you, what more can I say?

  Basketball tryouts were on last Tuesday night,

  I remembered everything you taught me while you were nowhere in sight.

  Another dream of mine shot down in cold blood,

  Another helpless victim left to pick up the pieces as best he could.

  I went to college while you were out,

  During graduation you should have heard mom shout!!

  Proud of everything her child has become,

  Going out into the world to really be someone.

  Rising from the ashes like the great Phoenix to the sky,

  I spread my great wings and fly!

  You’ve chosen your path and I’ve chosen mine.

  I’ve wondered when I should let go, I think that now is the time.

  I’m better off without you,

  So with this letter, I bid you adieu.

  DYING OF THE DAY

  I’m so tired and I just need to rest,

  Working too hard to live my life and do what’s best.

  Should I close my eyes and concede?

  Or should
I continue to look for me?

  This constant struggle to establish my individuality,

  Is sometimes exaggerated by my passion and sensuality.

  The rising and setting of the sun each day,

  Images of my children as they dance and play,

  Would all be missed if I should close my eyes.

  So instead I choose to rise,

  Because I will not let the light die another day,

  While I continue to remain this way.

  DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE

  Love will make you do crazy things,

  Make you see what you’ve never seen,

  In people you think you’ve known,

  But for now my sadness has been postponed.

  I love you more than anyone from my present or past,

  Unsure of so much because my feelings grew so fast.

  I spent so many lovely nights crying over you,

  Wondering why it was so hard for me to wake up and get a clue.

  I felt all alone in this love affair,

  Because I didn’t think that you cared.

  But the sound of your voice reminds me why I fell in love with you.

  So maybe until I see you again, I won’t be so blue,

  And I won’t feel bad that you’re the only one that I’m thinking of,

  And I’m so glad that I didn’t give up on love.

  REDEMPTION

  I feel like my old self again,

  I came so close to letting Them win.

  It seems as if I loved You more than life itself.

  During this period my sanity was quite unkempt.

  Emotions overpowered me,

  I was completely overcome by grief,

  Mourning the loss of a love not yet born.

  When I awakened, my world was torn.

  If you knew, you would think I was a stoic,

  I completely devoted myself to you and you didn’t know it.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love you no less,

  Except for me now, I’m doing what’s best.

  I placed my happiness in your hands time and time again,

  Because you had no idea, you threw me to the wind.

  My love for you will never ever change,

  But because of this situation, I will never be the same.

  PREMONITION

  Inside my house by the fire,

  Where I’ve been able to provide all material desires,

  I sit and rock back and forth in my chair,

  To a tedious, methodic, and logical tune hanging in the air.

  I stop for a second, amazed at what I see,

  There’s someone outside my window staring back at me.

  I can’t move for a second and my heart skips a beat,

  As I scramble to put shoes on my warm feet.

  When I’ve prepared myself to go out and investigate,

  I realize that I can’t leave because I’ve already sealed my fate.

  I head back to the window to take another glance,

  To see exactly what was waiting by chance.

  My heart begins to rush as I stumble back to the door,

  For what is outside cannot wait a second more!!

  I’m trapped and I cannot get out,

  I bang on the door and I scream and shout.

  I’ve been here so long that I’ve slowly forgotten,

  This bitter-sweet fate that I had chosen when,

  I first came here so long ago,

  Now I’m haunted by what I see out there in the snow.

  I head back to the window to look once again,

  And what I saw would have chilled grown men.

  The world outside was dark and dead,

  The complete opposite of what I had created in my head.

  A sea of white slowly merges into a seamless ocean of black.

  I look out into the great vastness, but only one thing stares back.

  A small child sitting there in the middle of it all,

  All alone, cold and shivering, folds himself into a little ball.

  * * *

  I’m all alone and it’s so very cold,

  I wish I had someone here to hold.

  In the distance I can see a large house,

  So big, that I feel as small and insignificant as a mouse.

  I’m beginning to lose the feeling in my fingers and toes,

  I don’t even feel the frozen tears on my nose.

  So ill-prepared for the storm at hand,

  From birth to now, all alone in this great land.

  I’ve been fighting this cold chill for some time now,

  I long for someone to hold me and brush the ice away from my wrinkled brow.

  I look back towards that great big house to see,

  A man in the window looking back at me.

  I feel a connection to him somehow,

  But it’s much too late for that now.

  I relax my limbs to announce that I’m done.

  I close my eyes for the final time tonight,

  I’m all alone and can no longer fight.

  It was so foolish of me to think of winning,

  A battle that was doomed since the beginning.

  * * *

  I bang on the window as rage begins to rain,

  I need to free this child from all his suffering and pain.

  But I cannot reach him from inside this shell,

  My self-imposed heavenly-hell.

  Overwhelmed by sadness, I begin to cry,

  As I see this young boy go limp and die.

  I needed to help him more than I’ll ever know.

  Maybe with a little love I could’ve helped him grow.

  But he’ll never get that chance, his light has gone out,

  And now I will never know what his situation was all about.

  I am unprepared for what I see next,

  My heart nearly jumps out of my chest.

  I grip the windowsill as I fall to my knees,

  Then suddenly, I begin to take heed.

  As I crawl over and pull myself back into my chair,

  And try to recollect myself there,

  I rock back and forth about a million times,

  Wondering how and why the face on that child was mine.

  END

  “Good luck and Godspeed…”

  - RNW

  Following is a collection of six short stories which explore a small window into the lives of six main characters from Prelude To An Empire before the events of the book took place.

  Charlene

  “Charlene!” The yelling of her name from across the house startled Charlene.

  “Coming!” Charlene answered her mother’s call. She brushed her long wavy hair back behind her ears and took one last look at herself in the mirror. Charlene wished she had a way to get rid of the dark circles underneath her eyes. She was only eighteen-years-old but lately she felt like she was in her late thirties.

  “Charlene! What is takin’ you so long?”

  “Sorry! I’m coming!” she shouted back as she dropped the hair brush on the dresser and shuffled out of her room and down the hall. She found her mother standing at the counter with one hand on her hip in the kitchen of their old house.

  “Well it’s a good thing I ain’t in danger and need help!”

  “I’m sorry, mama,” Charlene said as she hung her head.

  Charlene could see the disappointment in her mother’s eyes as her mother handed her a large mixing spoon. “I need you to finish making breakfast for your brother and your daddy. The grits are on the stove and fatback is in the frigidare.”

  “Yes ma’am,” Charlene said as she stirred the pot of grits and the white grains popped and bubbled.

  “I have to go to work early this morning. Mrs. McKinsey needs me there to clean for this party she’s supposed to be havin’ tonight.”

  “Okay,” Charlene muttered. This was her life. She spent the majority of her days cooking and cleaning while her parents worked.
She turned to look out the window above the kitchen sink and saw a car speeding down the street with the windows down, kicking up dust as it traveled. She yearned to be free but was afraid that she’d never be able to escape her obligatory prison.

  “Charlene, do you hear me talking to you, girl?” her mother asked with her head cocked to the side and with an expression of frustration.

  “I’m sorry, what was that, mama?” asked Charlene while she placed the top back on the boiling pot of grits.

  “I said that after everyone eats breakfast, I need you to wash and fold all the clothes, make sure your brother cleans his room and give the whole house a good dusting.”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  “I may be home from work late too so I took the neck-bones out of the icebox so you can start dinner for me. There’s some snap peas on the table but you need to shell them. I’ll try and call ya’ll when I get a break today.” Charlene’s mother dried her hands on a dish towel and turned to exit the kitchen.

  “Wait. Mama, can I talk to you about something, please?”

  “Yes, baby?”

  “I have to make a decision soon about that school. I really want to go.”

  “That school up north in Virginia?” asked her mother.

  “Yes ma’am,” said Charlene.

  “Chile you know we can’t afford to send you to college much less one way up in Virginia!”

  “But mama, I got a scholarship! As long as I keep my grades up then I will have all the money I need and whatever I don’t have, I can get a job to make up for!”

  Charlene’s mother stared at her as if she were seriously contemplating the idea of letting Charlene move away to college. They’d had this conversation several times before and her mother had made it abundantly clear that Charlene wasn’t leaving this house – at least no time soon.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?” asked Charlene.

  “Because I said so! Me and your daddy need you here to help us with your brother and the house while we work and that’s that! We took good care of you over the years and we just asking you for a little help until we can get our finances back in order. It won’t always be like this and one day we won’t have to work so hard, but right now we have to do the best we can! Now I’m done talking about it.”

  “Yes ma’am.” Charlene’s vision became blurry as the tears welled in her eyes. She turned her back to hide her weakness.

  Charlene’s mother walked to the doorway of the kitchen and stopped when she heard Charlene sniffle. She turned just in time to see Charlene wipe her face on her shirt sleeve. She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it and disappeared from the room.