A Lonely Dog on Christmas, Page 3

large oatmeal can in the closet didn't you? That's prune juice for your grandfather in case he wants it. Can't you read labels?"

  "That's OK. I hear it's going to be added to the new food pyramid that'll be out in the spring. I'll send you the link when it's posted." Kaley is on top of sniffing out a good opportunity to stick it to her older brother yet again.

  "Awesome!" Derek has a wide grin and nods his head in approval, knowing that his sister has his back.

  I thought Christmas gift giving is supposed to be an orderly process. At least that's what I see on TV. As I've mentioned, it's my only window to the rest of the world. I was under the impression that each family member opens one present at a time while everyone else patiently sits and watches. The person who receives the gift then responds with a gut wrenching 'thank you' that brings a tear to the gift giver's eye. Not in this house. They all hover around the tree and wait for Ryan to yell 'NOW'! Then, they all dive bomb into the pile and start grabbing for any box that comes close to having their name on it. Karla looks out for Matt and hands him his presents first before she jumps in for battle. They all act like they just fell off the deck of the Titanic and are scrambling to find the last life preserver in a freezing ocean.

  "What the hell is this?" Kaley is sighing as she opens her gift from Derek. He's not saying anything, he has a pained and confused look as he numbly stares at the 400-page biography of Lincoln that Ryan has given him. He's wondering how a parent can be so cruel to expect him to read in his free time.

  The dust is beginning to settle, it looks like Ryan got noise canceling headphones. I have no idea why he'd need those. I'm surprised he hasn't already put them on and started to wear them right away. He also got a custom made bobble head created from his likeness. I guess they'll make just about anything anymore. He's got a big noggin to begin with. The gift looks like a Mister Potato Head on a spring. Kaley seems pleased with her classy looking jewelry box. Now that he's recovered from the shock of the book, Derek has made a quick recovery and is admiring his newest and latest mind numbing video game. I guess 'How to Improve Your IQ' was sold out. Karla is beaming with her sparkling necklace. Ryan steps up four times a year for her and spends money: Christmas, Valentine's, Mother's Day and her birthday. Otherwise, he's so cheap he'd prefer to have the electricity cut off and just go with candle power at night. Matt always does well, he now has plenty of toys to break in the coming months. By May, he'll start badgering Karla by asking how many more days until Santa returns.

  "C'mere Beckham." Kaley is calling me over and I know what's coming next. It's now Year Three to have to wear the ugliest Christmas dog sweater on the planet. This thing defies description. She starts pulling it over me and I try to resist at first, but I know it's a losing battle so I give in. I'm not even sure it's been washed since I last wore it. It smells like BO. Well, since it's my BO I probably shouldn't complain too much. For me, yet again, no gifts in sight, not even a refurbished dog bone. I don't get squat. This is also the first time anyone's paid any attention at all to me this morning. Just wait and see. The crippling gusts of a mighty wind will befall this house and scatter it into ten thousand pieces. No, not really. I'm just blowing off steam.

  "All right, let's get a move on. We've got five minutes to get to the church and the service starts in ten. And I can't find my keys! Has anybody seen the keys?" Karla might seem frazzled now, but the fun won't really start until she has a full house later on this afternoon.

  "I've got 'em. Matty put them in the blender. He thought it's the best place to keep keys safe so they don't get bent." Ryan has a smile on his face now, but he didn't seem too happy a few months ago when Matt put his wallet in the freezer over the Labor Day weekend.

  "We'll meet up when we get there. Kaley and I are driving separately," Derek says to Karla as he starts to put on his coat. I can never figure out his fashion style. I think the most appropriate way to describe it is 'Salvation Army casual'.

  "Wait a minute Derek. Are you saying we're using three cars to take five people down the street? Where is your common sense? That's a ridiculous waste of gas!" If Karla has a nervous breakdown right now it might impact the start time for dinner tonight.

  "We can't agree on the radio station. Kaley wants Christmas music. I need Power104 and you guys always have that 'All Wiggles' crap on for Matt. Only crazy people still listen to AM."

  "It's a Wiggles CD. It's not AM and we're not nuts. Now the two of you get in the car and let's go!"

  The door slams behind Derek as he follows the others out to the car. Nobody remembered to say goodbye to me. So, here I am alone for the next hour. It gives me enough time to sniff the wrapping paper, take a well earned nap and begin to plot my revenge in front of the whole group at dinner. I will not be marginalized. I am Beckham, hear me roar. Or, at least hear me bark moderately loud.

  Christmas Afternoon

  Didn’t I say earlier that Christmas Day is supposed to be devoted to peace, love, harmony and understanding? Or should I have said laziness, drunkenness, indifference and slothfulness? I can't seem to remember which is most appropriate, but I do know that a few people in the crowd that will be here for dinner would definitely qualify for the latter category. They might even be considered Team Leaders. With all that needs to be done to get things running smoothly, Karla is the only one doing anything constructive right now. I guess this proves she's just happy when she's miserable.

  Ryan wasn’t too thrilled when the gang got back from church. Turns out that Matt had burped quite loudly during the sermon. Almost shook the walls. The minister was cool about it and didn't get upset, he told the congregation that it must have been an angel yawning.

  The arrival parade of underachievers is about to begin. It hasn't been more than a half an hour since the gang returned and the doorbell is already ringing. Karla's brother Will and his girlfriend Casey are here. She's not as monstrous as I expected. Probably slightly north of two bills or maybe a shade under. Her hair is a bit messed up though, it looks like she just stepped out of a wind tunnel.

  "Hey little buddy, are you ready? Let's get to it." Will's class act always starts out the same way, as soon as he sets foot in the living room, with a stunt for Matt that is the envy of David Copperfield. He throws off his coat, drops it directly onto the carpet (no hanger required) and heads straight for the leather recliner. He plops into the chair and proceeds to slide up and down against the back of the seat. After three or four tries, the spark is lit and Will peels off a loud fart sound that comes from the friction of his back against the leather.

  "Yes!!! Good way to start Christmas off, huh Matty?" Will is pumping his fists into the air as if he's just won the lottery."

  "Do it again Uncle Will. This time a lot louder." It's impossible to just do something once to entertain a child. Actually, the same could be said for Derek.

  "That's more than enough Matt. Your uncle had to work today and he's tired. Leave him alone." Karla is yelling out from the kitchen. The less reminders the better for her that she's related to this boob.

  Will works the security line for TSA at the airport. He's the one who sits on the chair and looks into the scanner and stares at socks and underwear. His greatest contribution to keeping America safe came about six months ago when he thought he saw a threatening object in a passenger's hand after they had just cleared security. The suspect disappeared into a crowd and an entire section of the terminal had to be shut down. They finally located the terrorist after an intense hour long search. The 'weapon' turned out to be a pez dispenser.

  It's not much later and now everybody else has shown up. Karla's retired parents, Emily and Dan, had barely sat down when Ryan's family was at the front door. His brother Clark and wife Karen, along with their two grammar school age kids, Rick and Kimberley, trudged in with their seven-month-old sister Tiffany, the human security alarm system. She's the cutest thing until she starts screaming uncontrollably. One time it was so bad that Karen had given serious consideration to getting more informatio
n from the hospital on their return policy.

  Wrapping paper is flying everywhere as another round of gifts is being exchanged. "Hey Grandpa, thanks for the present." Derek has his usual clueless expression as he holds up a paperback dictionary.

  "You're welcome. Your Mom says you can't spell for shit so maybe it'll help." Dan speaks with an eloquence reminiscent of Churchill at his best.

  "He can't read or speak in complete sentences either." Kaley has a wide mischievous grin.

  "That true what your sister is sayin’ boy? How do you expect to get past the 10th grade?"

  "No Dad, Derek's a junior in college now." Karla chimes in again from the kitchen. "The high school said they don't allow tenure for students so he had to move on."

  "Clark, I'm so sorry, please remind me again where you work?" Emily makes up for Dan's lack of manners with her politeness.

  "I head up the Accounting Department at the city zoo. Good hours and pays well. No complaints from me."

  "The zoo? What do they have you doing, counting monkeys all day?" Dan can never resist a wiseass remark especially since he's a wiseass himself.

  Since there aren't any sharp objects nearby, Clark manages a forced laugh while Karen sits there with a stone face. Seating arrangements