A Lonely Dog on Christmas, Page 2

time ago. Wash your hands before you touch the food. We'd prefer not to die from food poisoning until after the holidays."

  In my brief life, I've noticed on TV shows that Christmas Eve night is depicted as quiet and serene. Families gather around their festive and well trimmed tree to listen to songs of the season, a cup of egg nog in one hand along with a moist slice of pumpkin pie in the other while they cherish their time together and reminisce about holidays past. Around here, every year, it's like they're in the middle of a tornado drill. I try to just stay out of the way because this is the point where it kicks in, they completely ignore me until the day after Christmas when half the presents under the tree get boxed up and returned to the mall for what they really want. There won't be any 'Hey Beckham, let's take a walk buddy' or friendly pats on the head or even just a smile. They'll walk around me and over me like I don't exist. I've done nothing to deserve it. Filing a grievance with The Humane Society probably won't get me very far. 'Grin and bear it', isn't that the saying?

  "Daddy, can this be a present?" It looks like Matt must be scrambling for last second gift ideas.

  "No Matty, a box of kleenex doesn't count. Go ahead and put it back on the counter."

  Last year, Kaley helped him wrap up the TV remote as a present for his older brother. It took Derek two hours to realize it was a gag. Matt means well, but being six can bring it's challenges. Like the time he tried to warm up slices of cold pizza in the clothes dryer. My family favorite, though, is Matt by far. If I had to pick a karaoke partner, he would get the call every time. You can't go wrong with somebody that still believes in Santa. Although, when Matt's not around, I've heard Kaley say more than once that Derek believed until his senior year in high school. I'm not sure if that's true.

  "Did you talk to your parents yet Karla? What time are they coming tomorrow? We're going to have to get it in gear when we get back from church."

  "The usual, around Noon. Dad's been having some minor side effects from the new medication he's taking and Mom had to go into too much detail. She made sure not to leave anything out. All I should say is that I'm glad I picked up a can of air freshener at the grocery store. I'll leave it at that."

  "You only got one? With Derek home, you should have picked up a case. Buying in bulk puts a nice dent in the cost. What about the Internet millionaire and Her Royal Highness?"

  "Very funny. My brother and his fiancé should be here at about the same time or maybe a bit earlier. I think he might have to work in the morning. I can't imagine how hard that must be on Christmas."

  That guy, now he's something else. If the Three Stooges ever wanted to expand, they wouldn't even need to hold auditions. He'd be the fourth Stooge hands down. I think he's blown through at least three girlfriends since I've been living here. I haven't seen his latest victim yet. She probably weighs four hundred pounds butt naked. Kaley always makes fun of fat people behind their back so this should be interesting. She says they should hold an eating competition for fatties at the Olympics and call it MOO for the Morbidly Obese Olympics. Since I'm on the topic, I do have to say I'm disappointed they don't have an Olympic event for dogs. The only idea I've ever been able to come up with is ‘Synchronized Urinating’ so I guess I shouldn't plan on getting on a plane anytime soon to carry the flag in the Opening Ceremonies.

  "What about Clark and Karen? Have they confirmed?" Ryan's brother also has a family of five. Once everyone shows up tomorrow there'll be fourteen people here and one overlooked cute and very adorable bulldog.

  "Yeah. Sounds like they'll get here around the same time as your brother and parents. We can get all of the gift giving out of the way at once and then kick back and enjoy the afternoon."

  "It must be nice, thirteen people get to sit on their ass and one person does all of the work."

  "Sorry babe, I didn't mean it that way." Ryan's face just got redder than the color of ketchup.

  Kaley always brightens up a room when she's in it. That cheerful personality to match her good looks makes her the golden child compared to Derek, but I think Karla is starting to get steamed right now. "Stop texting Kaley, put the phone down and focus on getting up out of the chair, moving your feet forward one at a time and going into the closet to get the vacuum. Once you do that, press the 'on' button and start cleaning. Do I have to remind you that it's Christmas Eve?"

  "Oh my God Mom, could you be any meaner? I was just letting Jennifer know what time to come over. We're going to watch 'The Notebook'."

  "The Notebook? What are you two trying to do, see who can run out of tears first? Great choice for a holiday movie. Why don't you watch Silence of the Lambs after that? It'll put both of you in the Christmas spirit."

  "Ha, ha Mom. And stop glaring at me Dad, I'm going to go get the vacuum. Right after I grab an egg roll."

  "Matty, why don't you go help your brother take cups out of the dishwasher? Then we can watch ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ in a little bit."

  ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’! Could Karla be more insulting? How am I supposed to compete with that beagle Snoopy? He always gets the best parts in those shows and makes the rest of us dogs look like slackers. Well, I guess when you get down to it that's what we really are. And then there's that stupid Great Pumpkin show at Halloween. They make him out to be a Harvard graduate with a doctorate from MIT. Who are they kidding? His dog house smells just like the rest of us.

  9PM. Kaley and her friend Jennifer are secluded in the family room watching their chick-flick. Derek's 'best bro' from high school has come by to play video games, yet another Yuletide tradition that dates back to early 1800's Austria. They're trying to get to Level 3 on 'The Ultimate Idiot', I think that's the name of the game.

  Ryan and Karla are helping Matt put out cookies and milk for Santa before Matt heads off to bed. Every year, Ryan sits down about 11:30 and pigs out on the cookies. He always wolfs down the whole plate like it's the only meal he's had all day. That might possibly explain why he's thirty pounds overweight. Then he pours the warm milk into the drain and belts back a couple of beers in its place. That's topped off by a shot of vodka to put him in the right mood to dream about sugar plum fairies. Just like the way Santa does it.

  This is what really grinds on me. Why can't I get a few cookie scraps? How come they always ignore me on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day? I know the saying isn't 'Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Dogs', but at least give me some love. I've been getting squat for far too long. It's time for me to rally the troops and prepare for combat. Alright, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but Dr. Phil says it's good to get your emotions out in the open. The countdown to the showdown has begun.

  Christmas Morning

  Ugh! I know that's not how you're supposed to greet Christmas morning. My reaction should be to belt out 'Joy to the World' or some other holiday mumbo jumbo. But at 5AM, I've got nothing. Matt's up, and that means I am too. I've heard that a fresh pot of coffee works well to kick start things, but since neither of us has any idea what coffee tastes like, that option is off the table. Karla and Ryan are always good about clearing out an area right in front of the tree and stacking Santa's presents in the center so Matt knows where to look and doesn't rip apart everyone else's gifts. I have to give them their due for the way they plan ahead. Santa always delivers quiet presents, its Mom and Dad who buy the noisy ones. That way it bides time and paves the way for an extra hour or two of sleep. Fortunately for them, as well as King Derek and Queen Kaley, he's been quiet so far this morning. Most families prefer to use an alarm clock to wake up. Here at the Mathison's, everyone greets the new day to the sound of Matt slamming down the toilet seat.

  "Is it really necessary to be burning popcorn so early and today of all days? What are you doing in there? The whole house is going to stink." Ryan isn't too thrilled with Derek's culinary efforts in the kitchen at seven in the morning.

  "C'mon Dad. Don't you remember that fake food pyramid I downloaded last summer and gave him? He thinks it's going to help him get wa
shboard abs." Kaley never tires of playing practical jokes on her older brother. For his advanced age, I'd say Derek's in good shape. As a track runner in high school he set a few school records.

  "It actually says 'burned' popcorn on it?"

  "Yep. And it also lists putrid beets, rancid cabbage, rotten tomatoes and slime covered cauliflower. Some of the real food items are mixed in there too to make it look more legitimate."

  "Now that we can rule out the possibility of Derek becoming a celebrity chef someday, let's start opening gifts. Before we know it, it'll be time to head out to church," Karla says. She looks nice wearing a thick white robe. In my opinion, she's quite attractive, an older version of Kaley. Of course, I'm prejudiced since Karla rescued me from that pit of a pet store where I was being starved to death with only days to live. Well, actually, none of that's true. She had to put me on a diet when I first got here. I just said it to make her look good.

  "This year, shopping was seriously smooth. I knocked out everybody's gifts between the grocery store and the gas station." Derek has a weird look on his face as he walks into the living room holding a glass in one hand and the gourmet popcorn in the other. "Mom, this grape juice tastes strange."

  "You got that from behind the