Shards of My Heart, Page 5

  me: So, I have to know if I did a really bad thing…

  When she spoke, she sounded excited, like...edge of her seat excited.

  Jules: What’d you do?

  With a sigh, I finally let it out.

  me: So, I may have checked his email.

  Jules: Ohhhhh, and what’d you find?

  me: Well, aside from the fact that he friended every girl he’s ever dated and some he’s only slept with the moment I left…

  Jules: What a jerk!

  me: He also placed an ad on Craigslist.

  Jules: For a date?!

  me: No. He was trying to sell everything. The ad title was ‘Everything Must Go.’ He was selling my stuff!

  Jules: So...what did you do?

  I was biting on the inside of my cheek now. This was the hardest part to admit.

  me: I...deleted it.

  Jules: What? How can you do that?

  me: Well, there’s an edit option on the email in his inbox. And I chose to delete. Am I wrong? I just didn’t want him selling my things before the judge let me back in to get them!

  My concern was met with chuckling, then all out laughter.

  Jules: No. That. Is. Awesome.

  Relieved, I felt able to change the subject.

  me: Now I’m headed up to get the cord for Kylie’s pump. It’s about forty-five minutes away.

  Jules: You sound good.

  me: Thank you. I’m hanging in there.

  Jules: I’m almost afraid to ask, but has he contacted you?

  This part hurt. He hadn’t. We had been apart for so long now, longer than we had been in years. He hadn’t called, texted, or messaged. By every indication, he had already decided to move on. As much as I didn’t want to be bothered, I was. It was as though all those years together meant nothing to him, like I meant nothing to him, as though he cared nothing for his daughter.

  me: Nope.

  Jules: He will. Then what will you do?

  me: I don’t know. I really don’t.

  After that, I didn’t have much to say. I knew what was happening. All was well as long as I stayed busy. At the moment, I was incredibly busy. As long as I had purpose, other things to focus on, I wouldn’t feel my heart breaking into a million shards, just like the glass in our wedding picture frame.

  During the drive I had called Adult & Pediatric Specialists to make sure they had what I needed. Sure enough, the woman I spoke to promised to have the cord ready and waiting for us. With no one left to call, I had a moment to think.

  All I could think...was that he hadn’t called. I checked the app, but he was still home. So, he really wanted it to be over. Honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted. Okay, I did, to an extent. I didn’t want that kind of relationship. Living with Shane, it wasn’t a case of walking on eggshells. It was more like walking through minefields.

  See, eggshells...you know that eventually they are going to break. There are few things more delicate. Instead, with a minefield, you don’t know that the bomb is there, ready to detonate, just waiting to explode the minute you step on it. So, I lived life trying to be happy, wondering if the one thing I said, or didn’t say, was going to cause that hidden bomb to suddenly shatter our peaceful existence. I didn’t know if one minute he was going to seem happy enough, but I’d ask a question and push things just a little too far, in his opinion.

  That was no way to live. At various times he had yelled at Kylie for crying, erupted at me for being agreeable. Of course, my favorite night was still the McFlurry night. It had been about 9:30pm and I was still struggling to get Kylie to sleep for the night.

  While there are babies that can be set in the crib and simply cry themselves to sleep, that isn’t how we handle babies on oxygen and feeding tubes. If she gets too upset, it can cause serious breathing problems. If she gets too agitated, her Mini Button in her belly, the one that we attach her tubing to in order to eat...that can be yanked out. It isn’t pretty. It’s painful. And it’s a lot more work in the long run than taking the time to soothe her to sleep. That’s what we do. And ‘we’...is a loose term. I pat her bottom. I rub her back. I sing. I hum. I rock. Name it. I do it. It’s totally worth it to get her to sleep with tubing intact and breathing soundly.

  This particular night, when Shane suggested at 9:30pm that he might be interested in getting some ice cream, I did what I do. I tried to be helpful. It was a huge mistake. See, this was during the Monopoly game. Since McDonald’s is so close, it’s not uncommon for me to swing by while I’m running errands...grabbing lunch or a snack or a pick me up. Needless to say, I had accumulated a few pieces, some for free food. This one in particular...for a free McFlurry. At 9:30pm, I’m toast. The thought of getting in a vehicle, driving all the way to the nearest grocery store, getting out of said vehicle, entering the grocery store, picking up ice cream, waiting in line to buy the ice cream, loading myself and ice cream in the vehicle before heading home to enjoy the ice cream...seemed like a lot of unnecessary work. After all, the free McFlurry was all of a mile down the road.

  me: Hey, I have a coupon for a free McFlurry. You can have it.

  Now...at this point, a normal person who was stuck on ice cream would simply say something to the effect of, ‘no, thank you. I have my heart set on ice cream.’ Then there’s Shane.

  Before I know it, he’s yelling and cursing. He’s kicking the table and punching holes in the study wall before he finally calms down enough to express his emotions.

  Shane: You are so controlling.

  Again, I’m the bitch because I offered him a free McFlurry.

  me: If you want ice cream, then go. It’s nothing to get upset over.

  Shane: You are always trying to tell me what to do.

  me: I was trying to be NICE.

  Shane: I want ice cream.

  me: So go get ice cream. Honestly. This is ridiculous.

  It took a while longer, more wasted time as he went on and on about how he wanted ice cream and how a McFlurry was not ice cream, it wasn’t even dairy. I sat there on the couch, calmly, holding Kylie as I tried to get her to sleep. She was staring at her father in wonder...my guess would be wondering what the heck he was so upset about.

  Finally, he left. And when he returned, he had a milkshake from Jack in The Box...right next door to McDonald’s. Yup. Pretty sure that isn’t even dairy either, but I’ve been wrong before…like when I tried to offer the free McFlurry.

  We didn’t speak of it. He didn’t repair the walls. He didn’t spend enough time in there to bother, I suppose. That incident hadn’t scared me; instead it had annoyed me. I was disgusted that he had managed to get so angry so easily about absolutely nothing. I had told Riley about it.

  Yes, I talked about his outbursts. It was impossible to hide if we had company anyway. It wasn’t my shame. It wasn’t my fault. Sharing helped me through it, gave me perspective. Seeing my life through others’ eyes helped me get to this point because...in all honesty...it’s amazing what a person can get used to. By amazing, I mean frightening, sickening, and sad. Really sad.

  At a stoplight, I sent Brynn a text to let her know what time I planned to be there. I told her that Shane and I had a fight and that was why I needed her to watch Kylie. She sent a text reply:

  Brynn: OMG. Did you buy Breyer’s instead of Edy’s?

  me: Bahaha. No. This time he couldn’t get his phone in his pocket.

  Oh, I should mention...I don’t LOL. My friends know this. If they ever receive an ‘LOL,’ they will probably call the police. It will be obvious that I didn’t send the text.

  Arriving at Adult & Pediatric Specialists, I pried Kylie from the car seat. She was growing tired of the constant in and out. She is at an age where she needs to move around more, be active, and really hates being confined. As soon as we entered the office, the woman at the desk came rushing over to us. Before I could even introduce myself, she was staring at Kylie.

  woman: I’d know this little one anywhere. Hello, Kylie.

  M
y baby rewarded her with a smile. She has come to think everyone knows her. Me, I was shocked.

  me: How did you know?

  woman: We have pictures of Kylie on our board in the back. Newspaper clippings.

  I smiled and nodded. Yes, Kylie is special. She’s come a long way. She’s a record setter.

  woman: Here’s your cord, precious!

  She grabbed it from the top of her desk and walked it over to us. With that covered, I felt so much better. Now we could actually relax with Riley. Kylie could crawl around, have fun, and be a baby who was fast morphing into a big girl.

  me: Thank you so much.

  With that, we headed out the door to meet Brynn.

  It was another twenty minutes to Kannapolis and the studio apartment Brynn and her son shared with her boyfriend. I kept checking my phone to see if I had missed any calls, but Shane still hadn’t called. I wondered about that. Was he awake? Was he sleeping even more than before? Was he alive?

  Thankfully, before I could get too crazy with it, I had pulled into Brynn’s parking lot...only to realize that she hadn’t given me an apartment number. So, I sent her a text.

  me: Drop me a hint. Send up a flare. Something. We’re here!

  Almost as soon as I had sent it, the door to the building opened and Brynn stepped out, holding her baby. I knew Kylie would be excited. She loves babies. Sure enough, she was beaming as soon as I hauled her out of her seat.

  me: Kylie, see the baby? That’s Max.

  She made her high pitched squeal which pretty much meant she was too excited to even try to form a word. Yes, we were a tad behind in speech as well, but I wasn’t worried. Kylie was bright. She’d catch up when she was ready. I often joked that we were on Kylie time.

  We didn’t talk much. Brynn didn’t ask where I’d be that Kylie couldn’t be with me. We didn’t discuss my crazy life at all. At the moment, that was just what I needed. I was sick of me. I just wanted a moment to be...to relax, to think of none of the many painful thoughts that threatened to flood my mind. Instead, we let my baby girl explore...not that there was much space for that in the studio apartment, but she was happy enough with yet another new environment.

  This moment of pure happiness and my moment of relaxation begged to be captured for posterity. Knowing that Brynn and her boyfriend didn’t have a camera, I took several pictures with my phone and loaded them immediately on Facebook. Half an hour later, I received a call from Lily. She was on the way home.

  Lily: So, since Lyle works late tonight...how about Girl’s Night. We’ll make dinner, relax, talk…

  me: Sounds perfect. I’ll meet you there.

  With that, I decided to load up Kylie and head back to our temporary home. It was a long drive. By now, Kylie was getting hungry and the car was a better place to feed her. She wouldn’t be running around threatening to rip out her button at least.

  We drove off and I was feeling super comfortable about returning her the next day to play with Max and hang out with Brynn. After all, Brynn was really the only other person I had trained to use the button and pump. Kylie adored her and with Max, I’d probably have to drag her away after that.

  I think I made it all of ten minutes into the trip when my text messages started blowing up. It was him. The Facebook pics did it.

  Shane: Where’s my car? Nice to see you turn on the one person who’s ever helped you and go to Brynn. Where’s my little girl?

  Shane: When the 24 hours is up, I can call the police officially for kidnapping.

  Shane: And THEFT!

  Not only was I driving in North Carolina, one the states that was sensible enough to institute a no texting while driving law, but everything I had to say to him was too complex to be conveyed by text. So, I called.

  It rang and he refused to pick up. So, I called again.

  This time he broke down and answered. Already, he was snarling at me.

  Shane: What do you want?

  me: Nice to hear from you. I’m driving. If you have something to say to me, it will have to be done by phone.

  Shane: Where’s my vehicle?

  me: With me. But you knew this. Oh, and your daughter is fine, thanks for asking. All you care about is your possessions. Speaking of possessions...when can I come pick up the rest of mine?

  Shane: You can’t. You had your chance.

  Guess I know him at least a little still. Good thing I had that in the paperwork for court tomorrow.

  me: We’ll see about that.

  Shane: Yes, we will see, won’t we? So when are you bringing back my car and my daughter.

  me: I’m not.

  Paula’s parting words had been to not tell him about the court hearing or the pending custody...of Kylie and the car. It was killing me not to blurt that out.

  Shane: Fine. At 7:30pm, I can call the police.

  me: Call whomever you want. They can’t do anything. This isn’t kidnapping. There’s no custody order in place. And I promise you, after your behavior, you wouldn’t be the one with custody anyway. Oh, and the car, joint property acquired during the marriage. I have as much right to it as you do.

  Shane: We’ll see about that.

  me: Yup.

  We were both silent for a moment.

  me: So, I guess this is really over.

  Shane: Looks that way.

  I sighed loudly. It may have been relief, or maybe I had been holding my breath…

  me: Then I guess there’s nothing left to talk about. Goodbye.

  Without waiting for a response, I hung up. Still, he seemed pretty sure that he could have me arrested. Just to be certain, I called the police. It felt like forever that I was waiting for the non-emergency line to connect. Once a female officer answered, I explained the situation and commenced asking questions.

  me: So can he really try to have me arrested?

  officer: I don’t believe so, ma’am.

  me: But even if he does, I will be fine as long as I show the papers, right? I mean, I have court tomorrow to settle all of this.

  officer: Yes, ma’am, you should be fine. Don’t worry.

  me: One more thing. Do you have a number for the report about last night’s call, just in case I need it?

  officer: There was no report made.

  me: They were there for over an hour and there’s no report?

  officer: There is just an event number. A record that they were there.

  me: Okay, can I have that, please?

  She read off the number, I recorded it, our call ended, and once more I was left to question the system.

  Instead of parking on the road like I had done the night before, I decided to play it safe. Lily’s driveway ran the length of the house and ended at the storage shed in the back yard. I pulled all the way up to the shed. They normally parked their vehicles side by side next to the house.

  All those nights of watching South Beach Tow and Lizard Lick Towing with Shane were finally paying off. My vehicle would be effectively blocked in. No matter what, I had found a way to save it for at least one more day.

  Lily returned minutes after I exited the vehicle. Kylie was playing in her car seat. I was sorting through our clothes in the back and deciding what to bring in for the night and next morning. The space was too tight and it made no sense for me to unload the entire suitcases when I could just as easily bring in just what I needed.

  We brought the kids inside and started dinner while talking. She was looking forward to the minutiae of my day. And I suppose I needed to vent some.

  me: So I have court tomorrow. I don’t care about the Order of Protection. I just need custody of Kylie and a vehicle.

  Lily: Where are you going to live?

  me: Not sure. After court I’ll know more. At least I have options.

  Lily: You can stay here…

  I shook my head. They had already done enough for me. Lyle’s friendship with Shane had already been on the rocks, this may have ended it altogether. I was feeling pretty guilty about that. Real friends
are hard to come by.

  me: In other news...we spoke tonight.

  Lily: You and Shane?

  Her eyes widened in surprise. After seeing him friend all those exes on Facebook, we had pretty much decided he had turned to the dark side. I merely nodded grimly in response.

  Lily: What did he say?

  me: More threats about having me arrested. He was angry with me for posting pictures of Kylie visiting Brynn and Max. That kind of thing. Not once did he ask about Kylie. Obviously, he doesn’t care about me.

  I shrugged. These realizations hurt.

  Lily: He changed his status on Facebook.

  I could tell she was watching me for a reaction. Honestly, I was almost afraid to ask.

  me: To what?

  Lily: Separated.

  I nodded. At the moment, I had veggies to slice as I helped make dinner, grateful for a distraction. That...and the cheese straws I was introduced to. How had I never tried these before? I love cheese.

  Lyle came home earlier than expected. Girl’s Night became Family Night and I was included. Just as I had done earlier, I decided to record these moments, since they were special in their own way. Soon there were pictures of Kylie’s first indoor cat encounter on Facebook, as well as pictures of Kylie rocking Isaac in his bouncer and helping me and Lily cook.

  This time, it was Lyle who received the string of text messages to ruin our dinner. Only one was truly memorable.

  Shane: Guess your wife runs your life like my wife runs mine.

  I had just finished helping pull out plates and get drinks when Lyle relayed their conversation. I shook my head.

  me: What wife? He no longer has a wife. Let’s eat.

  On the road again. That song is stuck on replay in my mind. I’m not happy about it...the song or being on the road again. Although I have never been one to stay anywhere for a lengthy period of time, this bordered on ridiculous. After two nights of sleeping on the floor and a day of running around with Kylie, the thought of lather, rinse, repeat today was disheartening. Still, I showered and dressed as soon as Lily and Lyle left for work. I entertained Kylie as best I could. Then we headed out the door for what promised to be another long day.