Shards of My Heart, Page 4

  I showered with Kylie in the bathroom with me after baby proofing it as best I could. The entire time, I played peek-a-boo with her to keep her out of mischief. It worked. Soon, we were dressed and packed up and headed out the door.

  This entire experience had Kylie clinging to me more than normal. I couldn’t be out of her sight for a moment. While she acted comfortable enough, I could feel her panic just below the surface. Time had only increased the choruses of ‘dada’ that I was subjected to. Who could blame her? She loved her daddy and didn’t understand why he wasn’t with us. He was always home with us at night. She saw him every morning. Suddenly we were in a strange place with no daddy.

  The drive to Victim’s Assistance took almost thirty minutes. I had to park in the government center parking garage, which mean spending more of my precious money. This had to be done. There was no way around it. I toyed with pulling out the stroller, but decided against it. I knew that while it would help with all the walking, we could be in very close quarters trying to manage very heavy doors. Kylie only weighed 18 lbs. Surely, I could manage that.

  So, hauling her, my purse, and her feeding pump bag out of the car, we set out for the building conveniently located next to the courthouse where the office was located. Kylie was silent, staring as we walked at my break neck pace. She was my little sponge, soaking it all in. I wished more than anything that she could have missed out on this particular experience. Last night, while we laid cuddled together on the floor, I kept replaying the events in my mind, willing a different outcome, worrying over how I could have done things differently. Instead, it just seemed like everything was spiraling out of control, right to this moment where I was now involving the courts. Still, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I had never seen coming.

  How had this man I loved and married become such a stranger, become someone I was wary of, if not a little afraid of? I remembered once when we were visiting friends at an apartment complex not far from our neighborhood how a group of guys started a fight with Shane’s friend. He had tried to be the peacekeeper. When that didn’t work, he stepped up and defended, joined in. He took care of those he cared about, always had their back. And I had his, too. When another one of the guys jumped on him, I had rushed into the fray and shoved the guy off.

  Both Shane and the guy were more than a little surprised, but I hadn’t given it a thought. We spoke about it after.

  Shane: Baby, that was great, but you can never do that again. If I’m in a fight, I can’t be worrying about you, too. Stay out of it. Stay safe. That guy was ready to hit you. Weren’t you worried?

  me: Nah. And if he had, I heal fast.

  He had hauled me into his arms then, held me close, murmured words of love into my hair.

  Shane: I can’t lose you. Nothing can ever happen to you. Understand?

  Nodding happily, I had basked in the warmth of his embrace. It was one of my strangely happy memories. Where had that guy gone? I had none of the depth of feelings for this surly man who had taken his place.

  As expected, the office was crowded. Apparently lots of men went crazy on a Monday night. There was a waiting room packed with women and a few children. They all had family and friends there to support them. I had Kylie and I was the one doing the supporting.

  At the window, I was given a clipboard of paperwork to fill out. I did so as quickly as possible. It was closing in on noon and I was told over the phone earlier that I needed to have the paperwork we created filed by 12:30 in order to get on the afternoon docket. Returning the paperwork to the receptionist, I went back to the chair to wait, Kylie still attached to me. This was as good a time as any to feed her, so I unhooked her onesie, opened the button, and twisted the tubing into place once more. Her feed was started and she was tethered to her pump again.

  Shane would have hated this. He was incredibly uncomfortable with feeding her in public, like it was some dirty little secret, an embarrassment that she needed a feeding tube. That wasn’t what I saw when I looked at her. Kylie was a marvel, a survivor. If she needed a little extra help here or there after all she had been through, so be it. This wasn’t permanent. In time she would get over her aversion, stop choking on everything, demystify chewing, and eat like the rest of us. I had abundant patience. In fact, I was beginning to think that I had been patient with Shane for too long. There was such a thing as too loving and understanding. Though I had promised him long ago that I would love him through it, through his healing, overcoming his demons...I had found my breaking point. This was it. It was all about Kylie’s needs now.

  Soon enough, I was called back to speak. Picking up Kylie, still attached to her feed, I gathered our bags and walked through the door. It was one of those moments that I knew would alter everything. I just kept hoping that I was making the right decisions, that I was doing what was best. Given the circumstances, I no longer trusted my judgment.

  We sat in a decent sized office. The toys in the corner suggested that Kylie was not the first baby to step inside. They were prepared. I was directed to a chair beside the big angular desk. I sat with Kylie in my lap.

  Paula: I’m Paula.

  me: Nice to meet you.

  It sounded strange because it really wasn’t nice to meet her. I could have gone my entire life without meeting her, without needing to be here. The word ‘victim’ grated on me.

  Paula: You can set her down on the floor…

  me: Not yet. She’ll yank out her feeding tube.

  The woman’s eyes followed the tubing dangling from Kylie’s belly all the way to the inconspicuous small black nylon backpack.

  Paula: Oh. Well, let’s talk about why you are here.

  So the questions began. Only the questions didn’t tell the whole story.

  There was no place for me to explain that he had been sleeping twenty hours a day. They didn’t care that I had tried everything to get him to see a doctor because I saw that he was in the throes of depression.

  Paula: So you want me to request that he have a mental evaluation?

  I looked up.

  me: You can do that?

  Paula: Oh, sure, honey. I can request anything. It’s whether or not the judge will do it.

  My mood brightened some. Suddenly the situation didn’t seem so hopeless as it had seemed.

  me: Yes, please. He’s not the man I fell in love with. He’s changed in horrible and frightening ways. And I wanted to believe that if he changed once, he could change back. He could be better again.

  I swallowed hard, wondering if I sounded as pathetic as I felt. The beeping of Kylie’s pump broke the silence. With the expertise that came from doing this multiple times a day for well over a year, I had her tubing unhooked, her button shut, her onesie tucked, and she was on the floor playing in under a minute. Watching her check out her surroundings, crawl around and explore helped my heart more than anything. Knowing that she wasn’t damaged beyond repair made me feel much better about all my choices.

  After what seemed like forever, Paula went over the paperwork we had created.

  Paula: So, we’re asking for an Order of Protection. Anything else?

  I nodded because the Order of Protection wasn’t what brought me to their office. After all, I knew how to stay away from him. If I had been able to have my way, I would already be far far away from him, out of the state, even. Still, I could see how important it was to do everything legally.

  me: I want custody of Kylie. Can we do that?

  Paula: Absolutely.

  me: And I want my vehicle. I need it. Kylie has lots of doctor appointments. And if there is an emergency…

  It was obvious she cared nothing for the details as I tried to build my case for vehicle possession.

  Paula: Do the two of you own more than one vehicle?

  me: Yes. He bought the truck while we were dating. That’s in his name. Then we purchased the Edge together after we were married, while Kylie was still in the hospital. That’s in his name also.

  She nodded an
d typed.

  Paula: So you want the Edge?

  me: Yes.

  She looked at me for a moment before speaking.

  Paula: Girl, you don’t have to look so guilty. You are married. You are entitled. The house can be yours, too.

  me: I don’t want the house; it’s his. He bought it before we were together. I always promised him if things went south that I’d never try to take his house.

  Paula: So you don’t want the house?

  me: No.

  Paula: Where will you stay?

  me: I’m not sure yet. I have options.

  I did have options, like Florida to stay with my mother, or Grace’s home out in Raleigh. I really wanted to recuperate with Jules in Atlanta. Staying with Lily and Lyle, not an option.

  She shook her head at me. Once again, I was reminded that I wasn’t normal. Most women would jump at the chance to take what they could get. I had this strong sense of right and wrong. Even though he had hurt me, forced me to leave, manipulated me into calling the police, and destroyed the house, it would be wrong to render him homeless. I wasn’t weak. I was just doing the right thing.

  Paula: Do you have everything, or are you going to need to get back in the house?

  me: Can we do that? I left so much as the police rushed me out last night.

  Paula: Of course! Those same police might even be the ones who have to stay with you until you are done to ensure your safety.

  Pictures were taken of me and my injury. What had started off as a scratch had overnight morphed into an impressive looking bruise that covered the entire back and side of my calf. It hurt, too. A fact I was made aware of any time I grazed it on anything. Oh, and I’m clumsy. I’m reminded of this frequently.

  me: Did you want the pictures I took of the damage to the house?

  It felt like I was playing dirty, but if Shane was going to threaten charges for kidnapping, then I needed to defend myself. I needed custody, not that I was worried. There wasn’t a court on earth that would leave Kylie in his care.

  Paula: Absolutely. Email them here.

  She handed me her business card. I stuck it in my purse next to the pretty purple card the officers had given me.

  Paula: Now go to the Clerk and file these papers. Do you want to go to court in the morning or the afternoon?

  Mornings were suddenly a challenge now that we had three adults sharing one bathroom. Plus, I would need to find childcare for Kylie. She wasn’t going to the day care in the court building. Ever.

  me: Afternoon, please.

  She passed me a packet of papers to sign, one to take with me, one for my records. Then I was given a slip with instructions to show up at courtroom 4110 the next day at 1:30pm for the hearing. I signed, collected everything, and then pulled Kylie into my arms so we could leave.

  Our next stop was the building next door: the courthouse. It was huge and intimidating with its security measures. I hated walking through the metal detector, and now I had to do it while holding Kylie. Given the flip-flops, I knew I wouldn’t have to remove the shoes. Somehow, that was little comfort. We made it through with no effort, no lines, no waiting, and most importantly...no beeps. Pressing forward, I made my way across the vast open area, straight to the elevator. My little one was silent in my arms, looking about some, soaking everything in. We exited the elevator, headed straight for the huge double wooden doors to the far right as we stepped out. It didn’t take but a moment for it to be our turn.

  Passing in the paperwork, I swore on a Bible to the woman behind the glass that everything contained within was true. Then it was over. I had to return the next day, without Kylie. That troubled me some, until I remember that my friend, Brynn, was on maternity leave. She loved Kylie; no doubt she wouldn’t object to spending some time with her.

  As soon as I reached the vehicle in the parking garage, I strapped Kylie into her seat and prepared to call. Somehow, having those papers, even though they weren’t decided upon by a judge, made me feel safer, more secure. I didn’t feel like I had to hold my daughter as tightly, or worry about being pulled over while driving. I had the protection of proof.

  Brynn answered my call almost immediately. She sounded so happy to hear from me, even after I explained that I was calling because I needed a babysitter the very next day.

  Brynn: Wanna come visit? That way Kylie will be comfortable. She’s never been here before.

  me: That sounds great, just let me run a few errands first.

  There was still the charger for the phone and the plug for the pump to take care of before I would allow myself to relax. I had plenty of time. We couldn’t go back to Lily’s until 6pm, since there would be no one there to let us in.

  After paying to exit the parking garage, I drove to the AT&T store that was near the house. Using the Find My Phone app, I had ensured that Shane was at the house. Technically, his phone was, but since he was more likely to leave the house without a limb than without his phone, that was all the proof I needed.

  As I pulled into the mall, I realized that I was starving. Sort of. I needed to eat, but I didn’t want to. I ordered a large Pepsi and a soft taco through the Taco Bell drive thru. Why yes, my last meal before this was a soft taco, too. What can I say? They are cheap. And I can trick myself into believing I have eaten a healthy well-rounded meal. There’s the cheese, the lettuce, the mystery ground meat, all wrapped neatly in a flour tortilla. (Like I was going to skip a carb.) It took me no time to eat it and suck down some of the Pepsi. AT&T was on the other side of the parking lot, so I finished before I even pulled in.

  Kylie was asleep. Carefully, I pulled her out of the car seat, grabbed my purse, and headed into the store. A man in AT&T garb greeted me.

  Guy: So, what brings you here today?

  me: My phone is a brick. I need a new charger, unless it’s my phone. In which case, I’m really screwed.

  Guy: Would you like us to check?

  Now, he would like to give the impression that this is a really technical process. I looked at him, squinted a bit, my version of a discerning look, and acquiesced.

  me: Sure.

  Guy: Well, I’ll have to call Chris to come over and take care of you in just a minute.

  Now, really, how hard could this be? I wandered around the store, dead phone in my hand, sleeping baby on my shoulder. The walls were lined with new phones they were clearly trying to entice me to buy. I have an iPhone 4S and I’m perfectly content with it.

  Why, there was even an iPhone 4S right there...plugged in, ready to play with. At first I thought to look up the directions for Adult & Pediatric Services where I would have to go to pick up the pump charger. Then, I realized that I could unplug that phone and try the plug in mine. Though the guy tried to dress it up, I’m pretty sure that’s all that would need to be done as the first step in the diagnostic process anyway. Sure enough, after plugging in my phone with their cord and pressing the button, it came to life. So, I let it charge while I studied the directions.

  I might just have to memorize them. There was no telling what Shane would do. While I waited, I even checked his email. Shhhh! He doesn’t know that I have his password. I’m not sure why. He gives it to me all the time to get emails and pay bills, to change passwords, and all that. I just happen to have...a really impressive memory.

  There it was. Shane had friended his ex-girlfriends on Facebook. All of them. The notices of the acceptance of his requests were right in the inbox. Then there was a Craigslist posting. I opened it. Was he out hunting for a good time already? Nope. He was selling everything. EVERYTHING.

  Faced with few options, but determined to prevent my belongings from being sold out from under me, I did what any rational wife would do. I deleted the post. I figured I’d just keep checking and keep deleting until the judge let me back in the house to get what was mine.

  Finally, a guy came over and introduced himself.

  Chris: Hi! I’m Chris!

  me: Hi, Chris. So, all I need is a charger.

/>   Chris: It says here that you need to check and make sure your phone isn’t the problem.

  Gesturing to the cord plugged into my phone, I smiled.

  me: I already ran the diagnostic. It was the battery and a bad charger. So, what’s the cheapest charger you have. And I get a discount for solving my own problem, right?

  I gave him a playful smile. It felt good to joke around. That was me. I was happy, dammit! Moping wasn’t for me. Mourning was something else I wasn’t good at. Three deaths and one close call in a fourteen month time span and I still sucked.

  Chris: Since there’s no charge for the service, I’m afraid not.

  me: Well, it was worth a try.

  Leaving the store minutes later, I was down another $30 plus tax. Stupid tax. Kylie was still asleep. She even remained that way while I hooked her back into her car seat. My next act was to hook in the new charger. It came with a one-year warranty. Awesome. That made me feel slightly better about the astronomical cost. Yes, suddenly $30 was astronomical. Keep in mind, cost is relative. In my case, it was one third of all my money. I wouldn’t be getting paid for weeks. WEEKS.

  I plugged in the phone and called Jules to let her know why I had been off the grid and give her the rundown on what had been happening while we were out of touch.

  Jules: Listen, I know that you didn’t ask, but I wanted you to know that I sent you some money through PayPal. Is there a way for you to get it?

  me: You didn’t have to do that, but thank you!

  There were tears in my eyes. I have awesome friends.

  Jules: I know, but I wanted to help.

  me: Right, because everything you’ve done so far hasn’t been enough.

  Jules: So how’d it go?

  Catching her up only took a few minutes, then I told her the plans for the next day. Then, I used her as the barometer for my life.