i was wrong about you, man
you really are your pants
ugh
do you know what’s the worst
what?
moms
fucking moms
and like
IKEA
and our jobs
because they trap us in nests
god i hate how easy it is
to just get jobs
and make money all the time
and have a mom
it’s not real, you know?
right
like “oh i’m your mom”
“i’m gonna love you and raise you and shit”
well guess what mom
i’m gonna set skyscrapers on fire
because god’s not my dad
what?
i’m gonna shit on the mona lisa
and beat up beautiful guys
because of consumerism
huh
shit right on the mona lisa
heyyyy
u comin to fight club tonight
gonna be super fighty
hey
hey are u around
i need a ride
to fight club
(so i can fight)
DUDE ANSWER ME
ARE YOU COMING
OR ARE YOU NOT COMING
TO FIGHT CLUB
TO THE FIGHT CLUB THAT YOU FUCKING HELPED ME INVENT
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PISS ON YOUR NEW PANTS
IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER ME
IN THE NEXT FIVE FUCKING DAMN ASS SECONDS
jesus
yes
i’m coming to fight club
OH MY GOD
what?
WHAT IS LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE
jesus
Tyler
LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE WE MADE FOR FIGHT CLUB
please don’t piss on my pants
THE ONE RULE
you’re talking about it
you’re calling it fight club right now
how is that not the same thing
“HOW IS THAT NOT THE SAME THING”
enjoy your piss pants
The Lorax
THAT’S COMPOSTABLE YOU KNOW
I’m sorry?
POST-IT NOTES ARE ACTUALLY COMPOSTABLE
SO YOU SHOULDN’T THROW THEM OUT
Who is this?
I AM THE LORAX
the what
I SPEAK FOR THE TREES
okay well
thanks for the advice
DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALSO COMPOST YOUR OWN HAIR
I didn’t know that
YOU CAN
SO ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE
THOSE POST-ITS OUT OF
THE TRASH THEN
DID YOU GET THAT EMAIL I FORWARDED YOU
ABOUT THE DANGERS OF E-CIGARETTES
What email?
CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER
SOMETIMES MY EMAILS GET STUCK IN SPAM FOLDERS
I thought you spoke for the trees
I SPEAK FOR A LOT OF THINGS
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MANY TAMPONS THE AVERAGE WOMAN USES IN A YEAR
I’m in class right now
I can’t talk about tampons
TAMPONS CAN’T EVER TALK
THEY DON’T HAVE MOUTHS
THAT’S WHY I SPEAK FOR THEM
okay
ENOUGH TAMPONS TO MAKE A TRUFFULA TREE
THAT’S HOW MANY
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE DIVA CUP
That’s really personal, Lorax
NOTHING IS PERSONAL WHEN YOU SPEAK FOR THE TREES
and tampons?
AND ALSO TAMPONS AND SOMETIMES E-CIGARETTES YES
I’ll think about it
THERE’S ONE IN YOUR PURSE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
JUST IN CASE YOU NEED ONE TODAY
You put one in my purse?
You went through my purse?
OH YOU MEAN YOUR LEATHER PURSE
YOUR PURSE MADE OUT OF DEAD SKIN
this is too weird
I’m throwing it out
DON’T
don’t what?
DON’T REACH IN YOUR PURSE
Lorax if I reach in my purse what will I find in there
DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN SOAP OUT
OF DISCARDED COCA COLA SYRUP
WHICH MOST RESTAURANTS WILL GIVE TO YOU FOR FREE IF YOU ASK NICELY
Lorax are you in my purse right now
YES
Why
I FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS PUTTING THE DIVA CUP IN THERE
YOUR PURSE IS REALLY SOFT
oh wow
are you okay?
NOT REALLY
LEATHER IS REALLY SOFT
I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW SOFT IT IS
I’m sorry I made you touch leather
SOMETIMES I GET SLEEPY SPEAKING FOR THINGS
IT WAS JUST SO SOFT AND I WAS SO SLEEPY
Do you want me to let you stay in the purse for the rest of the day
YES PLEASE
I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH
Okay
CAN WE PLANT A TREE LATER THOUGH
I MEAN IF YOU HAVE TIME
JUST ONE TREE ON THE WAY HOME
Maybe
OKAY
BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WILL
COME BACK
IF WE DO THAT
Maybe they willl
JUST HOPE SOME OF MY FRIENDS COME BACK
I know
YOU’RE MY FRIEND NOW TOO THOUGH
I know
SO I GUESS IT’S WORKING ALREADY
I guess so
MUST BE ALL THOSE POST ITS WE COMPOSTED THIS
MORNING
Go back to sleep
OKAY THANK YOU
Rebecca
oh Mrs. de Winter
I realized after I took you on a tour of the master wing
I forgot to tell you about her clothes
whose clothes?
Whose clothes do you think
Rebecca’s?
of course
they were incredible
even her taste in nightgowns was impeccable
not like some nightgowns i could name
not like some nightgowns I have to regularly launder
and fold and put away
I see
your nightgowns, specifically
I hate your nightgowns
so if when you come home tonight
you see a lot of R’s scribbled in lipstick
and also blood all over your nightgowns
that was me
Ah
in case you wondered
who that was
Well, now I won’t wonder
the R is for Rebecca
I see
also I can’t stand the kind of tea you buy
so I ripped open all the bags
and strewed the leaves throughout the great hallway
oh dear
because honestly
BAGGED tea?
this is a stately home
like OF ENGLAND
this house has an actual name
you don’t even have a name
literally no one has ever mentioned your name
it’s just “where is my wife” and “this is Mrs. De Winter”
“the second” Mrs. De Winter
“the lesser” Mrs. De Winter
“the Mrs. De Winter who gets her tea in bags”
god i hate you
so much
you’re using the wrong fork you know
Please
Please, I’m trying to have dinner with my husband
and I’d like to be left alone
you’ll never be alone
not here
not in Manderley
her spirit’s in the very floors and walls
in the mirrors
in the rooms behind the doors you’ll never open
in the f
ork you’re not using properly
Where are you?
I can’t see you anywhere
that doesn’t surprise me
not at all
Rebecca would have spotted me in a second
I’m sure I’m very sorry
but I can’t see you and I’m not Rebecca
like I didn’t already know that
I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t jump out your
window last night
even after I left it open for you
No, I didn’t
you know who would have jumped out the window
if I’d asked her to?
PLEASE STOP
I’ll give you a hint
you have the same last name
and married the same man
also one of you is dead and one of you is not
It’s Rebecca
Rebecca, I know it’s her
I know it’s Rebecca, I KNOW IT’S HER
oh my God
that is your SALAD fork
this is the fish course
what is wrong with you
Cormac McCarthy
just got here
saving you a table
hey
you on your way?
hey
are you coming?
You forget what you want to remember
and you remember what you want to forget
look
it’s fine if you can’t make it
it’s just people are starting to head home
but if you’re on your way
Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave
oh
um
okay
I just thought you said you were going to try to make it
that’s all
it’s fine
I’ll have another birthday next year so it’s no big deal
yesterday is all that does count
What else is there?
Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of
Nothin else
okay well
Thanks
Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge
exists without my consent
oh
you tell em that
tell who?
tell em
tell everything that exists that i don’t know about yet
it’s not allowed
i don’t know if that’s
i don’t know if i can do that
There is no forgiveness for women.
A man may lose his honor and regain it again.
But a woman cannot. She cannot.
well
you know
real shame, that
what’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss
i dunno
five bucks maybe
why
no reason
is the fire real
is what fire real
is the fire real?
are you carrying it?
what fire are you talking about
the fire inside you
where is the fire
oh it’s just a little fire
kept it small
kept it hidden
you know what
what
the freedom of birds is an insult to me
where are you going
you know where
please don’t do anything to birds
I’m coming over
Carry the fire
WHAT FIRE
you’ll see
The Hunger Games
I told you what I was gonna name my bakery
if we ever get out of here
right?
Peeta I’m actually really tired
I’m gonna name it The Hunger Grains
I’m going to go to sleep now, Peeta
It’s a play on “The Hunger Games”
but with a little twist
you should go to sleep too.
Only no one will be hungry at The Hunger Grains
well
maybe at first
when they get there
but not once they’ve had my Ruebarb pie
oh my God
hey Katniss
Peeta I cannot talk right now
oh
im sorry
remember how we talked about this?
i dunno
remember how we talked about how I can’t talk when I’m hunting?
because of what else I need my hands for?
because you need your hands for holding arrows
Because I need my hands for holding arrows.
yeah i remember
so that’s why I said
don’t try to get in touch with me
unless you’re having an emergency
yeah
are you having an emergency?
definitely
is it a real emergency?
or is it a f…
it’s a frosting emergency
Peeta
a frosting emergency isn’t the same thing as a real emergency
it is to me
it is to this cake and also it is to me
I’m turning my phone off
frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of
emergencies
William Carlos Williams
i have eaten everything
that was in the icebox
you should probably go to the store again.
-wcw
i have eaten the little red wheelbarrow
that was in the icebox
and upon which so much depended
forgive me
i don’t even know why i did that
i guess i thought it was one of those little ice cream cakes
you know the kind that they shape to look like cars or whatever
that shit was disgusting
hey do we have any ice cream cakes though
-wcw
i have eaten the emperor of ice cream
who thought he could hide from me in the icebox
Let be be his finale of seem
sorry
-wcw
hi babe
are you at the store?
hi babe there’s something weird going on with the dishwasher
it won’t close all the way
i think one of the big wooden spoons fell through the slats or something
it keeps making this weird ca-chunk ca-chunk sound
i’ll call you and leave a message
so you can hear what it sounds like
-wcw
3 missed calls
1 new voicemail
hey if you’re at the store
would you pick me up some more of that red thing i like
in the tall box
honey i’m not at the store right now
i’m already on my way home
can you pick it up yourself this afternoon?
You sullen pig of a woman
you force me into the mud
with your stinking ash-cart
honey i’m sorry but i was just at the store this morning
and i’m exhausted and i’m almost home
Well–
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
fine
fine i’ll go to the store
mm also we are out of plums again
so can you pick up some more while you’re there
thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu babe
-wcw
Harry Potter
I’m serious, Ron
lolll no
there’s no way a “higgs boson” is a real thing
It is real!
It’s very important
It’s an elementary particle
what does it do then
Well
it’s a particle
and it sort of involves multiple identical particles
to exist in the same state and place