like magic
No, not like magic
not like magic at all
like science
haha what is science though
Ron.
im serious
i don’t know what it is
also what is math
i keep hearing about it
but no one can explain what it is to me
Math is a field of study
It’s short for mathematics
It’s concerned with quantity and structure and space
hermione I dont even know how to tip at a restaurant
i dont even know how to do percentals
Percentages
i dont know that either
Oh, Ron.
also whats a credit card
because i keep getting offers for them in the mail
are they magic too?
No
No, honey, credit cards aren’t magic
because ive signed up for six or nine of them
does six come before or after nine
Ron you haven’t used them yet have you
all you have to do is give the card to a shopkeep
and they swipe it over a little machine
and then they give you things
it’s wicked
Ron
promise me you won’t use your credit cards again
well I won’t
but I gave some of them to this Nigerian man
or gave the numbers of them to him
the other day
so he might use them, I dunno
you did what
he’s a prince, Hermione!
a real prince
well
he was a prince
he’s in a little trouble right now
but I fixed it with a few of my credit cards
so he’s all right now
Oh, my God
i thought youd be proud of me
The Little Prince
i brought you another flower
Oh thanks
thank you
It’s fragile but also valuable
That’s very true
like our friendship
Yes, it is, isn’t it
But it isn’t going to last very long away from its roots
Do you see what I mean
I do
the flower is a metaphor
Yes
it is a metaphor
for me
will you draw me another flower please
another one?
a big one this time
a flower with the heart of a princess
the heart of a princess
yes but you mustn’t draw the princess
i must only be able to sense her in the drawing of the flower
what happened to the last flower i drew for you
a fox took it
a fox?
yes
a fox in a wooden top hat and a greatcoat made of whist came by
and asked if he could have it
he said it cured his arthritis
if i draw you another flower
do you think you will be able to hang onto it?
i cannot predict what a fox will need
no right of course
well if i draw you another flower
will you at least tell me where you’ve been sleeping and showering
and getting food?
because my plane is still nowhere near fixed and i’m almost out of water
now you are speaking like a grownup again
now when i look at my flower all i will think of is your greed
your lust for money
your inability to see true beauty
i’m just so thirsty all the time
you know my plane was shot down because I was in the war
right?
I was in a war
i must go now
please
just tell me where you’re getting water
my planet needs me
About the Author
MALLORY ORTBERG is the cocreator of The Toast, a general-interest Web site geared toward women. She has written for Gawker, New York magazine, The Hairpin, and The Atlantic. She lives in the Bay Area.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Ortberg, Mallory.
Texts from Jane Eyre: and other conversations with your favorite literary characters / Mallory Ortberg. — First edition.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-62779-183-0 (hardback) — ISBN 978-1-62779-184-7 (electronic copy)
1. Text messages (Cell phone systems)—Humor. 2. Characters in literature—Humor. 3. Literature—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.T565O78 2014
818′.60208—dc23 2014012891
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First Edition 2014
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Designed by Meryl Sussman Levavi
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