bers when he challenged Adam’s statements during staff meetings.
Bullies know when they get under your skin, and, if you let them,
they own you.
The Best Defense Against the Humiliator: Never Let It Show
If a bully takes you on in front of an audience, deny her the victory
she seeks. Just as a wounded swimmer attracts sharks, if you blush,
stammer, or cry, you reward the bully, who uses your embarrassment
as an additional weapon. When you don’t squirm, you decrease the
bully’s interest in you as the victim.
Don’t let a bully’s psychological daggers foot-sweep you into react-
ing. Desensitize yourself using the coastline breathing and alternate
focus strategies outlined in Chapters 5 and 7, respectively. Controlling
your breathing also helps you use your adrenal response. Instead
of being ruled by it and thrown into choosing between “fight” and
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Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 97
“flight” reactions, adrenaline plus breathing links your brain’s left and right hemispheres, adding creativity to your thinking and sharpening your wits.
Two can play the crowd game. Turn the situation on the bully
with a “Is that the best you’ve got?” comment. Instead of remaining
a doormat walked on by an ambitious employee, Adam could have
taken charge of his staff meeting by saying, “Geoff, can’t you find a
more professional way to handle yourself than to try to ‘take me down
a peg’?” or “Geoff, you’re insulting me in front of your coworkers and
my staff. I’d like them to have the chance to make up their own minds
about what I’m proposing. I’ll be glad to talk with you about your
views after the meeting.”
Other statements that stop the bully’s show include “Does it make
you feel good to try to make me feel bad?” and “You’re at it again,
putting me down so you can feel good about yourself. I don’t appre-
ciate it.”
In Chapter 1, Tova sought empathy or pity by responding, “That
hurts” when Arielle asked, “Do you know your name’s a four-letter
word?” If Tova had instead said, “That’s not even funny,” Arielle’s
audience would have seen Tova standing up for herself.
If you’re unsure about what to say, take a deep breath and exit the
situation with dignity. Even if you can’t speak, you can still walk away.
If you leave under your own power, you can consider your retreat an
“advance in a new direction.”
You may find it easier to confront your bully in private, depriving
the bully of the chance to play to an audience. You might say, “I won’t
let you embarrass me in front of others a second time. Try it again and
I’ll surprise you.”
SHAPE-SHIFTER: DR. JEKYLL TO THE WORLD, MR. HYDE TO YOU
Bullies like Caren use both Mr. Hyde/Dr. Jekyll and passive-aggres-
sive antics to confound their targets. As masters of spin, these bullies
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98 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
confound you by pretending to be innocent. Even though you know
deep down that they’re bullying you, you may feel you’re crazy for
suspecting them when others see only their surface charm. When you
try to show others what the bully is doing, you may meet a wall of
disbelief. Sometimes, you’re not even sure you believe yourself. You
may even wonder “why me?” as they reserve their Mr. Hyde persona
just for you.
Bullies using this tactic exact secret revenge through covert jab-
bing and sneaky sabotage. When you confront shape-shifter bullies
directly, they feign they’ve been misunderstood and act as if you’re
being unfair or paranoid.
The Best Defense Against Mr. Hyde: The Truth Will Set You Free
If your bully uses these tactics, don’t let it get to you. If you give up or
show your exhaustion, it gives the bully a sense of accomplishment,
and you lose any leverage you have.
Don’t waste your time trying to get these bullies to admit their
strategies. You don’t need their agreement; if you wait for it, you wait
in vain. Instead, counter their tactics by grabbing hold of the truth
and calmly, rationally describing the exact behavior you see.
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION GAME
When Arielle asked Tova to bring her a latte, she played on Tova’s
natural expectation that no one would ask someone else to purchase
line discovered how much nurse Molly cared about doing a good job
and caretaking their clinic, she alleged Molly’s ignorance had exposed
the clinic to potentially devastating risk, knowing the psychological
damage this twist of the knife would wreak on Molly.
Bullies like Arielle and Pauline manipulate overtly or covertly in
an attempt to control your actions and thoughts. Controlling you is
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Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 99
the barometer by which bullies validate their identity. They attack
and push until you focus your energy on defending yourself and can
no longer assert who you are and so give in to what they want. They
lash out at you for what you haven’t done and for what you have done.
The Best Defense Against the Manipulator: Exposure
Pull the Wizard of Oz’s curtain back and expose these psychologi-
cal maneuvers. What motive or intention do your bully’s actions and
statements have? Do they wise you up for your sake or tear you down
contemptuously? Don’t let bullies hide in plain sight by manipulating
you; instead, keep your eye on them.
Keep your wits about you and step outside their manipulative
games. If your habit is to kowtow or lash back, never use the first words that come to mind or you may say something you’ll live to regret.
Tova could have defeated Arielle’s con job by saying, “I learned yes-
terday that lattes cost $5 here. Do you have cash or will you write me
a check for what you’d like me to get you today?”
Finally, watch your back with your own personal Karla, knowing
bullies happily use whatever you divulge against you. When you work
with bullies who manipulate, don’t give them ammunition. Anne
made this mistake when Karla plied her with wine and false camara-
derie, which led her to reveal damaging personal information. Any-
thing you say to a bully can and may be used against you.
THE EXPLOITATION GAME
Boss, employee, and coworker bullies often make unreasonable
demands, leading their targets to feel that they’re the bad guy if they
say “No.” A bully boss may pile an extreme workload on you, refuse
your leave requests, and look askance when you attempt to leave work
at a reasonable hour. A bully employee may ask for more and more
time off or other favors or perks, leading you to take on his or her
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100 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
duties when you can’t shift them to the bully’s coworkers. A bully
coworker may ask you for a “just this one time” favor every day.
Bullies run rampant over you and others without worrying about
the consequences to you; they simply don’t care.
The Best Defense Against the Exploiter: Just Say “No”
If you’re asked for the unreasonable and instinctively give in because
you like to please, take a moment to consider “What exactly has this
bully asked for?” and “Would I ask anyone for the same thing?” If
you answer “No,” you have your answer. Don’t allow your kindness to
lead you into exploitation.
THE INTIMIDATION GAME
In Chapter 4, bully boss Bernard threatened his entire staff with job
loss by declaring they deserved to be fired and proclaiming, “There
is blood in the water.” Other bullies menace and terrorize by demon-
strating their explosive tempers or by telling you what they plan to do
to you if you don’t fall in line. Bullies threaten because threats work.
They know that all they need to do to make you give up is to get ugly.
The Best Defense Against the Intimidator: Take a Time-Out
If you’re threatened verbally, give yourself time to clear-headedly
assess what’s in your best interests. You can stop the action with a
statement such as “I’d like to have some time to think about it.” This
short-circuits the bully’s plans and helps you avoid being pushed into
acquiescence with mental strong-arm tactics.
Although you need to take any threat seriously, most bullies test
to see what you’re made of and behave as badly as you’ll allow them
to. If it won’t endanger you, summon the courage to speak up and
remind the bully that his actions have consequences. Sometimes a
simple “You’re not getting away with that here” reminds the bully
that you’ll hold him accountable for his actions. Bullies hate to suffer,
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Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 101
and if you can reverse the risk/benefit ratio they seek, they may look
elsewhere for easier prey.
Warning: If you fear physical violence and your employer won’t
or can’t protect you, or happens to be the culprit, contact the police.
They take bullying that crosses the line into threatened or real phys-
ical assault seriously.
Whether the threat is verbal or physical, you’ll want to keep
records so you can present a detailed account of unfair behaviors. If
possible, you may want to audiotape any threat to allow you to enlist
assistance from a senior manager, your Human Resources officer, a
regulatory agency, or the police.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If you have not encountered any of these situations, imagine
what it would be like if you had, and answer the fol owing ques-
tions accordingly.
1. Has a bul y hammered away at your vulnerabilities? How
did you handle it? How will you now handle bul y speak?
2. Have you ever mental y taken a bul y home with you? How
will you detox next time?
3. Has a bul y shamed you? What happened? What will you
do next time?
4. Has a bul y publicly humiliated you? What happened? What
words or strategies will you use next time?
5. Has a passive-aggressive or Dr. Jekyl /Mr. Hyde bul y tied
you in knots? How did you handle it? How will you counter
these tactics next time?
6. Has a bul y manipulated you? If you faced this same manip-
ulation today, what could you do instead?
7. Has a bul y made unreasonable demands or exploited you?
How? In what ways can you handle it?
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102 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
8. Has a bul y threatened you? What was said or done? How
did you extricate yourself? What do you wish you’d done
instead?
9. Choose the tactic you find hardest to deal with. Imagine the
bul y employing this tactic on you. Enact the entire scenario
in your mind in the way you’d like to handle it.
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10
TURN THE TABLES ON A BULLY
WITH ONE EASY MOVE
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every
experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . .
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Y
“ OU SURE SCREWED UP,” Wayne snarled.
Marie’s stomach plummeted, as all eyes turned to her. She
braced herself for what was coming. Wayne had given her an impos-
sible assignment, to make a penny-pinching client, who wanted Mer-
cedes results without paying for them, happy. She’d worked days, nights,
and weekends, but in the end the client had taken the templates Marie
created and refused to pay, saying he’d expected more.
What could she say? If she said no one could have succeeded on
the project, she’d sound defensive. If she argued that she’d done the
best she could, Wayne would simply heap more abuse on her. Better to
keep her mouth shut.
GAIN CONTROL: ASK A QUESTION
Bullies excel at preemptive attacks that leave you defensive, flustered,
and tongue-tied. They slice open their targets with nasty statements.
Do you want to turn the tables on the bully in your work life? Here’s
how.
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104 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
If I yell at you and you yell back, who has the upper hand? I do. I
created a confrontation and you reacted. Even, and especially, if you
retaliate in fury, I still win because I pushed your button and you reacted.
If I yell at you and you get defensive, who has the stronger posi-
tion? Again, I do. I set the game in motion and you played it.
What happens if I yell at you and you respond with a question?
Although it may seem like I’m still in charge, you’ve just taken con-
trol of the encounter. Here’s an example. If I yell at you, “Is that all
you got done?” and you respond, “I’m sorry; it took longer than I’d
planned,” I’ve placed you on the defensive. If you attack me by saying
angrily, “You have no clue,” you’re still playing my game. If, however,
you ask “What would you like me to work on next?” you take over the
lead position, forcing me to answer your question.
Imagine that a bully attacks you accusingly, “Where’d you come up
with this crap?” Regardless of how you answer, you’ll probably sound
defensive, making it open season for the bully to continue. If instead
you counter with “What are you getting at?” you turn the tables.
Here’s another example. Your bully yells, “You’re an irritating
fool!” You lose if you yell back, “It’s you who’s irritating.” You’ve sim-
ply shown the bully that he can push your button. What if you insist
“I’m not irritating”? Yeah, right. Now you sound defensive. If instead
you ask, “What was irritating?” you turn the tables and force the
bully to respond to you.
What if the bully knows y
ou’re sensitive about your appearance
and says to you, “You look like a dog”? You might redden and tighten
your jaw in response to this snarky comment. If others are watching,
they may pity you. But what if you responded, “What breed?” The
table is turned.
When you ask a question, you sidestep an attack and take control
of the conversation. If your bully confronted you in front of an audi-
ence, they then laugh with and not at you.
Suppose your bully slams you as you’re giving him instructions
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Turn the Tables on a Bully with One Easy Move ❚ 105
by saying, “You’re confusing me.” If you ask, “Where’d I lose you?”
you make his statement a problem to be solved, and avoid the bully’s
blaming message. If your bully insults a presentation you’re making
by saying, “You’re boring me,” and you ask, “What would make this
more interesting?” you assume the stronger position.
Questions also help you avoid the “yes/no” trap. If your bully
asks, “Do you cut your own hair?” with a tone that implies you have a
lousy haircut, whatever you answer, you lose. If you instead ask, “And
why is this important to you?” you take the upper hand.
Occasionally, bullies smirk and say “Just kidding” after they’ve
jabbed you. If you protest, they push you further, by asking, “Why are
you making a big deal about this?” thus blaming you for feeling stung.
Again, a question works best.
Contrast:
THE BULLY: “You’re a fool.”
YOU: “What!”
THE BULLY: “Just kidding.”
YOU: “I don’t think so.”
THE BULLY: “Look, don’t make such a big deal out of this.”
With:
THE BULLY: “You’re a fool.”
YOU: “Really?”
THE BULLY: “Just kidding.”
YOU: “Really?”
Questions work even better than an apology.
Contrast:
THE BULLY: “You didn’t listen to me.”
YOU: “I’m sorry.”
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106 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
With:
THE BULLY: “You didn’t listen to me.”
YOU: “What did I miss?”
After you’ve turned the tables on the bully with a question, slam
the door shut on the conversation with a flat statement that takes the