wind out of your bully’s sails. For example:
THE BULLY: “You didn’t listen to me.”
YOU: “I’ve heard enough.”
Or, make a statement in the form of a question:
YOU: “Is that the best you can do?”
Another phrase that works is, “You just did it again,” which forces
your bully to ask, “What do you mean?” allowing you to say, “Attack
me.” If the bully then says, “You’re too sensitive,” you can ask, “Com-
pared to whom?” taking the lead back.
When you ask a question, you are saying, “I’m strong enough to
hear another’s opinion. I don’t wilt under the bully’s scorn, or cower
when the bully blasts me. I don’t pretend to be perfect.” To the bully,
you state confidently, “Lay it on me. Take your best shot. Game on.”
Notice what happens internally when you do this. Questions protect
you in a way that neither retaliating nor defending yourself does.
When you fight in response to an attack, particularly if your face
has turned red and your mouth tightened, you signal to yourself, the
bully, and anyone watching that the bully has pushed you into a reac-
tive mode of fight, flight, or freeze.
Similarly, defensiveness accomplishes little and demonstrates
you’ve let the bully get to you. Even as you’re outwardly defending
yourself, you may quail inwardly. Worse, after the encounter, you
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Turn the Tables on a Bully with One Easy Move ❚ 107
may wonder if the bully’s right, that you’re somehow less of a person
than he.
So turn the tables. Train yourself to ask a question when attacked.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. When you’re attacked, what happens inside you? Do you
get angry? Defensive? Are you intimidated?
2. What happens mental y and physical y to you? Do you stop
thinking? Breathe faster? Feel your heart pound?
3. When a bul y judges you, do you start to judge yourself?
4. Practice responding to the following attacks with questions:
- Where did you come up with this crap?
- You are impossibly dumb.
- You’re a bitch.
- Can’t you ever do anything right?
- How could you be so stupid?
- You moron.
- You real y made a mess of that.
- You’re a fat cow.
5. For the next three days, ask a question whenever a bul y
makes a statement, asks a question, or looks at you in a way
that attacks or puts you down.
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11
CREATE THE YOU WHO WON’T
KNUCKLE UNDER
The world breaks everyone and afterward many
are strong at the broken places.
—ERNEST HEMINGWAY
ANNE THOUGHT SHE’D put the Karla nightmare behind her when
she started her new job. She’d taken a work break, gotten her
master’s degree, and moved from Chicago to Portland. But she hadn’t
counted on Eudora.
“I was reading about you,” Eudora smiled, sidling up to Anne in the
break room.
“Reading?”
“Pretending not to know?”
Anne felt a sudden sick feeling in her stomach.
“I love to research new hires, especial y those who move from out of
state. Fascinating Facebook posts about you; the men in our company
have so much to look forward to.”
The nausea in Anne’s stomach turned to ice. Would she have to leave
this job too?
What does it take to stop bullies?
You—and your ability to outsmart them.
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Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 109
steamrolled or trampled, you have to become someone who can and
will stand up to and outmaneuver bullies. This means you need to
think and act differently from how you have in the past. The problems
you face can’t be solved with the same thinking that led you into those
problems.
DIG DEEP AND FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH
How do you grow stronger and become smart and tough enough to
take on the bullies in your work life? You start from where you are and
grow the skills you need.
Starting from where you are means not judging yourself. For
example, let’s say you’re easily intimidated, and, although you’ve
learned effective strategies from Chapters 3, 6, and 7, you still back
down when a bully threatens you. This then is your starting point.
Never worry about not being brave or strong enough. Instead,
dig deep inside yourself, into the place from which you draw inner
strength. You may have tapped this before. If not, it’s where your
sense of resolve and willingness to take on a challenge comes from.
A Simple Way to Stop Being a Pushover
If you’ve never found this place inside yourself before, here’s a simple
strategy for finding it the first time or for visiting it now. To feel your
core strength, create an inner focus. Allow yourself to “feel” the words
centered, grounded, inner strength, and rock solid. Focus on each word one-at-a-time, not moving on until you feel that word. You’ll notice that you connect with one or more of those words at a deep level. Close
your eyes, and allow yourself to completely experience the word or
words that resonate most strongly.
In the training sessions I conduct, I have attendees try this in pairs.
One person watches her partner doing this inner work and when she
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110 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
sees a look of determination or resolve coming over her partner’s face,
she puts an arm behind the partner and pushes with her hand against
the partner’s chest. Participants are always stunned that they can’t
push over a person who’s inwardly focused on words such as inner
strength or rock solid.
One frail woman, who announced ahead of the activity that she
wouldn’t be able to master it, stood like concrete when her partner
pushed against her. “I never would have thought I had that in me,”
she said. “I imagined I was a massive oak tree with roots going deep
into the earth.” A week later she sent me a photo she’d taken of a tree
she’d drawn, which now hung over her desk.
If you’re doing this exercise alone with no one to push you, you
may nonetheless notice that a sensation remains with you when you
finish the exercise. You may feel stronger and more centered. This
is the result of digging deep and reaching the place inside yourself
where you find resolve.
You can add to this feeling of strength by reflecting on any
mind-opening revelations you’ve gained from reading the first ten
chapters. Insights inspire growth. By verbalizing them, you cement
what you’ve learned in your memory. Give yourself a moment to
rejoice in what you have discovered about yourself and the changes
you intend to create in your work life and how you relate to your
bully.
STEP I
NTO YOUR POWER
In John 8:32, it says, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth
will set you free.”
The truth is that you deserve better.
Set yourself free. When a bully confronts you, consider how a
brave person would handle the bully or situation, and become that
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Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 111
brave person. Unless it compromises your physical safety, be willing to
exit your comfort zone. Bullies push and push and push until someone
stops them. Find the courage to express what you want.
Voice your views clearly so your bully can’t miss hearing what
you’ve said. “I” statements work when both parties are operating
from a win/win mindset; “you” statements have the directness bullies
can’t ignore. “Do not insult me” proves stronger than “That upsets
me” and defines a firm boundary for what you will and won’t allow.
Even if speaking honestly doesn’t change your bully, it bolsters you to
hear yourself saying what needs to be said.
When you step forward, you’re not fragile, passive, or powerless.
You’re not just letting events happen to you and silently allowing bul-
lies to walk all over you. You’re standing up for yourself, knowing you
have inner strength.
EMPOWER YOURSELF BY MANAGING MENTAL BARRIERS
The unfairness of being targeted by a bully can tie you in mental
knots. Your mind travels each turn of the rope, looking for the elusive
end where you hope to find fairness. Even if you untie the knots, you
won’t find the treatment you deserve. Move past this “it isn’t fair”
sticking point by developing a game plan that defeats further bully-
ing; that’s what will create future fairness.
Turn off Your Blame Button
Bullies excel at projecting their weaknesses onto targets, and adding a
dose of shame. Don’t allow your blame button to be pushed. Criticize
the bully, not yourself. If you buy into the bullies’ projections, you
relieve them of their accountability and take on their shame burden.
Have you been turning yourself inside out to please a bully who will
never be appeased? Learn to doubt the bully, not yourself.
Waste no time in finger-pointing. Blame gives away your power
by placing the responsibility to change on your bully. To deal with
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112 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
bullying, you need a powerful, solution-oriented focus on what you
need to do to stop the bully. Even though the bully’s behavior is not
your fault, when you take on bullying as your problem, you move
toward fixing it.
Don’t blame yourself for being bullied and never take bullying per-
sonally. You didn’t create the bully, nor ask to be bullied. The bully’s
actions project his or her reality, not yours. If you’ve been trampled
in the past, don’t berate yourself. Instead, remind yourself of your
strengths. For example, do you instinctively give others compassion
and warmth? Would you value a warm, compassionate friend? If so,
value yourself.
Fight Your Fear
Fear may swamp your fighting spirit. Escape this swamp by owning
your fear. Unaddressed fear paralyzes the spirit; however, once you
claim your fear, you can use it to sharpen your senses. Fear-generated
adrenaline can motivate you to action.
By managing these mental barriers, you empower yourself. When
you find the courage to express what you really want, you renew your
spirit. When you set goals, make decisions, and follow through on
personal commitments for how you’ll handle bullying tactics, you
overcome former limitations and discover untapped abilities. Taking
action strengthens your will.
UPROOT OLD HABITS WITH NEW ACTIONS
Old habits die hard. At first, when you begin handling bullies differ-
ently, you may find yourself instinctively reacting with doormat com-
pliance or other unwanted behavior. You can fix this with the “stop,
freeze, do anything else but” strategy. This technique helps you catch
yourself just as you’re about to repeat the past and allows you to create
a new future.
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Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 113
The “Stop, Freeze, Do Anything Else But” Strategy
Here’s how it works: The moment you notice you’re about to react in
a way that plays into the bully’s hand, stop yourself, and take a differ-
ent action than the first one that comes to mind. This “anything else
but” strategy seems simple, and is. It halts and uproots former habits.
For example, imagine a bully insults you and you start to apologize.
Stop, mid-sentence if you have to, and say, “Wait, it’s you who needs
to apologize” or simply look at the bully in disgusted disbelief.
Never punish yourself for a slip backwards into old behaviors.
That turns a misstep into a derailment. Instead, stop, freeze, and do
something other than your old habit. By doing this consistently, you
can discover a new way forward and become an individual who won’t
knuckle under anymore.
Visualize and Rehearse New Habits
Strengthen your new habits by repeated mental rehearsals. Imag-
ine yourself walking forward with purposeful strides. See yourself
making clear, direct statements. Picture yourself doing the right
things over and over, duplicating the real-life situation as closely
as possible. Picture also what you don’t want to happen, and plan
how to respond to any worst-nightmare scenarios with poise. Don’t
imagine yourself intimidated; instead, envision yourself keeping
your cool, no matter what. By mentally creating the scene with as
many details as possible, and putting yourself into it, you give your-
self a safe environment in which to try out your strategies. Visualize
yourself doing the right thing from beginning to end, so that you
can feel you’ve been there, and successfully done what you would
like to do.
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114 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. What was your first thought when you read the chapter
title? Was it excitement or fear? What happened to your
confidence level as you read the chapter?
2. Consider your past responses to bul ies—perhaps fear,
knuckling under, or embarrassment. What places within
yourself can you identify that might need strengthening for
you to respond to rather than react to a bul y’s outburst?
3. What thoughts did you have in response to the “dig deep”
discussion about not judging yourself? How does it free you
to simply consider where you are, with your strengths and
fears, or other chal enges, as your starting point?
4. Try the dig deep “pushover” exercise with another person.
Notice how much more intense the lesson is when you
pass it on. Try saying the words rock solid, steadfast, inner
strength, and c
entered—this time with your eyes open. If
one or more of these words gives you strength, write it on
several sticky notes. Place one in your work area and one
on your bathroom mirror, where you’ll see them daily. If you
don’t want others reading your reminders, simply write the
initial letters as in rs, s, is, or c. Let is be an inside joke.
5. What area of your comfort zone or what mental habit or
attitude do you want to move past? Select one and work
on it this week.
6. Dream a little and think of a new initiative you would like
to start; it can even be something that has nothing to do
with bul ying. When you set goals, you inspire yourself. When
you take concrete steps toward your goals, you build your
self-confidence.
7. Create a list of four “you” statements that fit situations you
have recently encountered. Then say each of them out
loud. What happens inside you when you state them?
Try saying each of them three times in a row; make your
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Create the You Who Won’t Knuckle Under ❚ 115
voice firm and strong. Al ow this to be the voice that speaks
in your ear.
8. Uproot your habit of criticizing and second-guessing your-
self. Here’s an experiment: Go cold turkey on self-criticism
for the next forty-eight hours. If you catch yourself criticizing
yourself, stop, and think of three qualities about yourself you
admire, or two things you’ve done right in the last week.
9. Have you found yourself going in circles with the “it’s not
fair” mental knot? How would it benefit you if you decided,
“I’m the one who can make this situation fair”?
10. In the next two weeks, develop your ability to respond
quickly, easily, and effectively to bul y jabs. If a bul y makes a
statement for which you have no response, use the al -
purpose “Pardon me?” or a wryly spoken, “Classy . . . not.”
Keep a list of any put-downs for which you lacked a
response, and let your creative brain consider them until
you create two responses for handling each bul y slam. If
you find yourself struggling to come up with a response, you
can write to me at my website, www.workplacecoachblog.
com, and I’ll come up with several for you.
11. Try the “stop, freeze, do anything else but” strategy at least