Understanding
Resourceful
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88 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
How many? Ten? Fifteen? All twenty-one? If even five of them fit
you, you possess admirable qualities. Have you let a bully brainwash
you into forgetting that?
Next, create a list of five more positive words that describe you.
Take a look at your list. Would you want a friend who has the
positive qualities you’ve listed? Of course you would. By creating and
affirming your positive attributes, you honor the person you are, and
the next time a bully’s words try to hitch a ride in your head, you can
say “this car’s full.”
Add depth to your Kevlar. Take a moment to think of two chal-
lenges you handled well or at least survived. What do these expe-
riences tell you about your strength and resilience? If you start to
pick on yourself over mistakes you’ve made, take a look at that. How
much bully poison in the form of destructive words and labels have
you absorbed? How often do you function as your own worst critic?
Each time you do, you magnetize yourself to attract bullies. You’ll
find more about how to change this ingrained pattern in Chapter 11.
For now, remember you have the capacity to learn new self-talk and
become your own cheerleader. Refuse to play the bully’s disenabling
game. If you’re reading this book, you’ve survived and have good
instincts. You have an inner rudder you can trust as you develop new
skills and strategies.
HEAL YOUR INNER WOUNDS
BY REPROGRAMMING YOUR MIND
Most of us have one or more emotional Achilles’ heels. Bullies aim for
these as if they had radar. They can’t, however, open wounds you’ve
healed. Do you have some weak areas, perhaps a self-critical state-
ment that rises to the surface when you’re having a bad day?
You can nuke any self-doubting statement using a neurolinguis-
tic (the mind’s language) programming strategy called “change your
mental tape recorder.” Pick a statement or “tape” that weakens you—
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How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an Outpost in Your Mind ❚ 89
for example, “I’ll never be brave” or “Other people are smarter than
I am.”
You can dismantle a tape like this by repeating it seven times in
seven different ways, until it loses all or much of the power it holds
over you. Imagine that you have a tape recorder in your mind. Turn
to the dial marked “tape one” on the left front of the tape recorder.
Whatever statement or “tape” you’ve picked, hear it played or said
once loudly in your mind. Hear it again said softly. Hear it again said
very slowly; then hear it said very quickly as if recorded at hyper-
speed. Now hear it with merry-go-round music playing in the back-
ground. Hear it again accompanied by Wagnerian music such as the
“Ride of the Valkyries,” with cymbals clanging and drums banging.
Hear it one final time as if Bugs Bunny or another cartoon character,
perhaps one with a deep accent or a slight lisp, might say it. Has it
become harder to take this “tape” seriously?
Now, turn the dial on the far left off and turn to the dial marked
“new tape,” on the right front of the tape recorder. Create and let
yourself hear, out loud, an affirmative statement, perhaps “I show
courage” or “I am ethical and determined.” Hear this statement said
again and again in a clear, firm, positive voice.
What’s the feeling you get? You can uproot any negative statement
that’s damaged your heart or spirit using the mental tape recorder
strategy. Take a moment to write a list of other positive, affirming statements that describe the true you. You’re starting to free yourself of the bully’s verbal tyranny and to declare your own war of
independence.
TAKE BACK YOUR POWER:
CONFRONT MENTAL MANIPULATION
You’re now ready to let bullies know their cruel remarks slide off you
like water off Teflon. Short statements work well. If your bully asks
“Where’d you come up with this crap?” or says “You’re too sensitive”
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90 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
or “That was a dumb move,” respond by saying, “I’m not playing,”
“Game over,” “Nonsense,” or “Nice bait.” By speaking up, you take
back your power and break the spell the bully tried to cast over you.
Your bully may demand, “What do you mean?” or “What game?”
If so, you’ve taken control; your bully is now reacting to you rather
than the other way around. Congratulations. You don’t need to take
a bully’s bait or respond to his harmful, negative questions. Just shake
your head. You no longer take what a bully says personally; instead,
you simply witness a failed attempt to bully you.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If any of the things described below never happened to you,
imagine they did and answer the questions as if they had.
1. What bul y words or characterizations of you have recently
hooked your attention or crept into your mind? Take any
one of them, make it into a statement, and practice neutral-
izing it by using the mental tape recorder strategy. Did this
exercise change your outlook? How might changing your
outlook change your life?
2. When you read about Stevie putting Julie down, what did
you want to say to Stevie? To Julie? What would you like to
say to one of the bul ies in your work life? If you were your
best friend, what would you say to yourself? (By the way,
you can be and are your own best friend.)
3. What do you think of the five positive words you wrote
about yourself? Place this list in a private computer file or
in a paper file you keep in your work area or at home, and
add to it regularly. Once a week, take it out, read it aloud,
and let those words sink in. What’s the impact of being your
own cheerleader? Do more personal cheerleading in the
coming weeks, until it comes natural y. What’s the effect of
this cheerleading? Does it start to come natural y? If not, do
more of it.
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How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an Outpost in Your Mind ❚ 91
4. Take some time this week to review chal enges you’ve
successful y mastered. Reflecting on them, what is true
about your determination, resilience, wil power, and inner
strength? Take some time to write in your private journal or
simply to think about the strong person you are. If you have
a close friend you share insights with, tell this friend what
you’re learning about yourself.
5. Practice the mental tape recorder exercise at least once a
week on a tape you want to nuke. When you reflect on the
voice you hear in your head as you repeat “tape one,” does
it sound like a parent? When you hear “tape two,” does it
sound like your own voice? Yo
u may be carrying voices from
the past in your head. Replace them with your own voice
and statements.
6. Think of a current difficulty you wish didn’t exist. How are you
reacting to it? What happens to your breathing and mus-
cle tension when you think about it? What feelings does it
arouse? What strategies have you employed thus far to han-
dle it?
7. Practice in your own mind statements like “I’m not playing,”
“Nonsense,” “Nice bait,” and “Game over.” The next time a
workplace bul y gives you an opportunity for real-life prac-
tice, use them out loud on the bul y. How did they work?
Take some time to enjoy watching attempts to bul y you go
down in defeat.
8. What other mental habits or attitudes do you want to get rid
of? Pick one and work on it this week.
9. What new initiatives would you like to start?
10. Who in your work life tries to control you? What have you
learned that can help you stop them?
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9
COUNTERING BULLY TACTICS
AND BULLY SPEAK
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the
arena . . . who strives valiantly . . . who at the best
knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails
while daring greatly . . . .
—THEODORE ROOSEVELT
WAYNE, THE SCORCHED-EARTH FIGHTER, loved blaming every-
thing that went wrong on his business partner, Marie. Although
he oversaw fiscal management, when taxes came due, he castigated
her for not figuring out how to scam the IRS, although doing so was
clearly il egal. Although he angered clients, he held Marie accountable
for those they lost to other vendors. When revenue dropped, he accused
Marie of not marketing more vigilantly.
Bullies wield a variety of tactics and weapons in an effort to dom-
inate and win. They subject you to a stream of verbal abuse, snide
comments, insulting emails, and threats; blame you for everything,
including their own flaws; publicly humiliate you; hide behind a Dr.
Jekyll shield; manipulate you; make unreasonable demands; and
exploit you to meet their own needs.
Although these tactics can devastate you, like Dorothy in The
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Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 93
Wizard of Oz, you can claim victory by exposing the tactics to light.
When Toto jerked the curtain back he showed the wizard for what
he was, a shriveled old man working the levers to create an illusion.
When Dorothy threw a bucket of water on the Wicked Witch of the
West, the witch melted. Let’s draw the curtain back to expose work-
place bullies, with our water bucket in hand ready to be tossed. You
can defeat bully tactics.
VERBAL ABUSE, SNIDE COMMENTS,
AND INSULTING EMAILS
Like a dog chewing on a bone, bullies gnaw away at your vulnera-
bilities, until you crack wide open, humiliated and demeaned. Patri-
cia Evans, author of the classic text The Verbally Abusive Relationship,
describes verbal abuse as a “kind of battering which doesn’t leave
physical evidence,” but “is often more painful because it lingers in the
mind of its target.”
Evans says bullies verbally abuse “as a means of holding power
over” their targets and to “negate the perceptions, experience, values,
and accomplishments of those they target. Bullies constantly invali-
date the targets’ reality, insidiously blaming, accusing, and confusing
them.”
Four Ways to Defuse Verbal Abuse
Defeat this bully tactic with four strategies.
Strategy #1: Neutralize Your Bully’s Attacks. Build and memorize
an arsenal of statements and questions that swiftly neutralize verbal
attacks. A flatly uttered “Give it a rest” lets your bully know you’re
calling “game over.” You can ask “What?” or “Pardon me?” as if you
can’t believe the bully meant the insulting remarks. A calm “Your
point?” says you don’t think the bully has made one and may even
place the bully on the defensive. If the bully persists and asks “Do you
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94 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
have a problem with your hearing?” you can say “No, I wanted to
give you a chance to remove your foot from your mouth.”
Strategy #2: Refuse to Play by the Bully’s Rules. If you don’t play
along, you witness a failed attempt to bully you. Exit the situation as
Annette did when Andy barked at her. In contrast, Suzanne endured
Andy’s screaming, thinking the situation would get better; she finally
quit because she couldn’t stand the continued abuse.
Strategy #3: Document What’s Happening. Use your digital
voice recorder, pocket DVR, or webcam. Connect with witnesses who
can provide corroborative evidence to help you confront and defeat
the bully.
Strategy #4: Detox Each Night. Bullies wear you down. Worse,
you help them by taking their words and actions home with you. At
in your own defense. You might even dream about the bully’s contin-
ued attacks. As a result, you wake up exhausted and dread returning
to work.
As discussed in Chapter 8, don’t give the bully an outpost in your
mind. Bullies deny your abilities, intentionally devaluing you as a per-
son and an employee. Get their toxic thoughts out of your head and
externalize them by writing the bully a letter that says everything that
needs to be said. You don’t need to mail this letter, just seal it, and give
yourself closure. Make each night a vacation from your bully.
THE BLAME/SHAME GAME
Bullies like Wayne delight in berating and ridiculing their targets
mercilessly. Because they refuse to take responsibility or feel guilt,
they justify what they do by blaming others. These bullies accuse you
of their sins, and once they convince you that you’re the problem, they
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Countering Bully Tactics and Bully Speak ❚ 95
feel they’re off the hook. Ask bullies why they explode in rage, and
they’ll say you made them do it because you screwed up, challenged
them, or stood in their way.
Bullies excel at projecting their shortcomings onto you. If you’re
a good person and a bully says, “You’re not treating me well,” it leads
you to question yourself. Thus, bullies twist you into emotional and
mental knots and chip away at your confidence. Once they cause you
to look anxiously at yourself, they draw your attention to your most
negative qualities, lowering your self-esteem and making you more
susceptible to their control.
When you acquiesce, you fulfill their need to control. They lash
out if you start to slip away. Though he treated her with contempt,
Wayne hated Marie for leaving their partnership. He wanted her to
&nb
sp; remain under his thumb—his personal whipping girl.
Have bullies projected their behavior onto you, accusing you of
flaws they refuse to admit in themselves? Have bullies focused on
splinters in your eyes rather than the planks in their own? Have bul-
lies convinced you that any problems in your work relationship or
situation are your own fault?
The Best Defense Against the Blamer: A Good Offense
A bully’s blame/shame attacks can lead you into defending instead of
asserting yourself. Douse blame/shame with the cold water of reality.
Step back and look at what’s really happening. An ancient fable poses
this scenario: You show up at your teacher’s house for a class. The
teacher invites you in and offers you tea. You’re thirsty and start to
pick up the cup. The teacher pulls out a large stick and says, “If you
pick up the cup, I will hit you with this stick. If you don’t pick up the
cup, I’ll hit you.” If you were the student, what would you do?
Some sit frozen in indecision, others drink the tea, knowing that
the blow will come but preferring that option to being hit and remain-
ing thirsty. An educated target takes the stick from the teacher and
says, “I don’t like either choice.” Others might choose to exit the house,
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96 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
leaving the teacher, tea, and stick behind. Many bully blamers, like
the teacher, present you with a no-win situation in which it’s “heads
you lose, tails you lose.” If Marie leaves the partnership, she abandons
her investment; if she stays, she endures Wayne’s verbal “stick.”
Don’t let a blamer trap you and then take you apart piece by
piece, as Wayne did to Marie. Stand strong, before the blame/shame
game depletes your self-esteem and you can neither protect yourself
nor think straight. Declare what you see as the truth. Having the courage of your convictions requires that you have conviction. Don’t let
anyone, even you, disrespect you.
THE PUBLIC HUMILIATION GAME
While some bullies attack in private, others prefer to pounce on their
targets in front of an audience. Bullies know the pressure watching
eyes and listening ears have on some targets. Perhaps you are one
of those who immediately wilt from embarrassment. It gave Geoff a
special thrill to watch Adam back down in front of other staff mem-