HR officer asked Jil ian, “Could you avoid any fragrances, including ones
in your shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent, and body lotion?”
“Sure,” said Jillian.
Two days later, Nel ie emailed Jil ian, copying HR, “There’s still an
odor.”
Jil ian emailed back, also copying HR. “It isn’t me. I wish it was. I could
fix it if it was me. I know you want to sit with the others in IT, but I’m surprised; surely there must be odors in that larger group.”
“That,” said Jil ian, “stopped her cold.”
Climb out of the “maybe if I appease them, they’ll let me be” trap
by deciding you’ll stand up to the bully. For strategies on how to do
this, read Chapters 9 through 11.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid Them ❚ 79
BULLY TRAP #7:
GULLIBILITY—BELIEVING LIES AND CHASING
TRUMPED-UP ISSUES
Bernard, the drill sergeant want-to-be boss (Chapter 4), made up
bogus stories accusing his employees of problems they’d supposedly
caused coworkers or customers. When Bernard’s targets apologized
or asked their coworkers or customers what they’d done to offend,
they learned the coworkers or customers hadn’t accused them of any-
thing. As a result, they felt embarrassed.
Pauline intimidated and manipulated head nurse Molly with
daily trumped-up problems. Pauline convinced Molly that she had
unwittingly exposed the clinic to serious legal and risk manage-
ment problems by ignoring arcane regulations. Molly wasted weeks
searching for remedies to the problems she had allegedly caused
and was so devastated by Pauline’s accusations that she avoided
talking to the physicians, the one group that could have reined in
Pauline.
Though Pauline quickly became known for storming into the
clinic and accusing others of not handling matters she’d let slide,
making some employees cry, she accused Molly of creating a hostile
workplace. According to Pauline, an employee had texted her alleg-
ing Molly had yelled. Molly, never a shouter, was horrified, wonder-
ing how anyone could have accused her, never realizing Pauline had
played her.
Bullies can hide in plain sight if they keep your attention and
energy focused on confronting phony, trumped-up issues while they
plan or perfect their onslaught. Sidestep this trap. Never take what a
bully says at face value. If you’re falsely accused, call the bully on it
with humor as in “nice try,” or by firmly stating “not a chance.” You’ll
find strategies on how to do this in Chapters 9 and 11.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
80 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
BULLY TRAP #8:
ISOLATION—LETTING THE BULLY CUT YOU OFF FROM OTHERS
After Chapter 1’s Martin trashed Laura’s reputation to her clients
and others in the industry, Laura avoided industry gatherings. Before
this happened, Laura had regularly called clients to check in with
them. Now, Laura stopped calling, fearing they’d heard the mean
stories. As a result, some began to wonder if the rumors they’d heard
were true.
Sonja longed to make friends with her coworkers, but every time
she tried to join the others for lunch in the break room, Alice smirked
at her, making Sonja feel unwelcome. As a result, Sonja ate lunch in
her cubicle.
Just as a wolf pack steers a caribou calf away from the herd, bullies
isolate their targets. If you allow a bully to isolate you, you give your
bully greater control over you, even carte blanche to do as he wishes.
You become an easier target. Because you’re not around others who
could help defend you, the bully can spread rumors about you or even
convince others you’re the problem.
Never give in to a bully’s isolation ploy. Jump out of this trap by
making friends with coworkers, acquiring allies, establishing an active
relationship with your supervisor, and building a strong reputation.
Bullies don’t attack those with allies and a wide, deep power base.
If a bully attacks you, your allies can rally support for you and lead
others to question the bully’s motives and honesty. Coworkers and cli-
ents who respect and like you can deter and help you survive a bully’s
attacks. Bullies don’t want to go after someone with powerful allies
you feel unwelcome joining others, realize that your bully hopes to
deepen your slide into the isolation trap.
Next, given the importance of your supervisor’s opinion to your
career, never let a bully get between you and your supervisor. Estab-
lish a reputation for quality work and a solid work ethic. Carefully
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
The Eight Most Common Bully Traps and How to Avoid Them ❚ 81
document your accomplishments and keep your supervisor informed,
so no one can claim that you neglected your work or take credit for
your efforts.
It takes sustained effort to build a stellar reputation. Act with
integrity at all times. Seize opportunities to increase your visibility
and to be seen for the quality individual you are. Or, if like Laura, you
had good relationships with clients, never allow a bully to get between
you and those who can support you.
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If any of the things described below never happened to you,
imagine they did and answer the questions as if they had.
1. Have you hoped, like Adam, that a workplace bul y would
“come around” if you were nice enough? What led you to
do so? What happened?
2. When a workplace bul y abused you, did you tell your
supervisor? Or, like Adam, did you remain silent for fear your
supervisor would see it as your problem? What led you to
have this fear? What do you wish you’d done instead?
3. Have you tried to ignore that you were bul ied because you
couldn’t believe it was happening? How will you keep your-
self from doing this again? When did you final y acknowl-
edge what was happening? What inspired you to deal with
reality?
4. Have you given a bul y an outpost in your head by taking
in what he or she said or did as if it was your fault or you
deserved it? What led you to do so?
5. Have you, like Anne, beaten yourself up for fal ing prey to a
bul y’s manipulation? If so, you’re attacking the wrong per-
son. If you were your own best friend, would you say “you’re
to blame,” or would you say “you fell victim and now let’s
get you safe again”?
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
82 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
6. Has a bul y flattened your self-esteem? How?
7. If you were Mol y’s or Sonja’s friend, what would you have
told them?
8. Have you fal en into the “expecting the bul y to change”
trap? How did you climb out, if you did? If you haven’t, what
mig
ht you now do?
9. Have you ever pleaded with or given in to a bul y? What
led you to beg and how did it make you feel? What was the
effect on the bul y? What do you wish you’d done instead?
10. What do you think standing up for yourself means in your sit-
uation? How do you plan to do it? Pick a method and start
putting it into practice within twenty-four hours.
11. Has a bul y ever led you astray with a trumped-up accusa-
tion? What led you to fall for it? What will you do differently
next time?
12. Has a bul y ever made you feel like you couldn’t connect
with your coworkers or supervisor? What do you or did you
risk by letting yourself be isolated?
13. How do you plan to more actively build relationships with
others so you’re not isolated or such easy prey? Take two
steps this week toward increasing your network or deepen-
ing your work relationships.
14. How would you describe your relationship with your super-
visor? Take steps this week to increase your communication
with your supervisor so you’ll have an open channel should
you need it.
15. How do you plan to keep your supervisor aware of your
efforts, the quality of your work, and your work ethic? What
will the positive effect of providing your supervisor regular
emails on your accomplishments be? Develop a strategy
for documenting your successes. Take at least one step to
implement your strategy within the next seven days.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
The Eight Most Common Bully Traps And How To Avoid Them ❚ 83
16. What’s your visibility within your organization? Are there
ways you can strengthen it?
17. What’s your reputation? What reputation do you want?
What is your game plan for enhancing your reputation?
Chapter 22 offers a step-by-step method for creating a
game plan for this or any other goal you select.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
8
HOW TO OVERCOME THE BULLY’S
FAVORITE WEAPON—AN OUTPOST
IN YOUR MIND
I was always looking outside myself for strength and con-
fidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.
—ANNA FREUD
ON HER FIRST day of work, Julie’s supervisor sat her down and
told her Stevie would orient her. Julie waited hours for Stevie to
arrive and then sought her out.
Stevie didn’t waste any time tel ing Julie that she wasn’t the applicant
Stevie would have hired. Hurt, Julie asked, “Why?” Stevie said in a frosty
voice, “It’s obvious. You’ve only worked in a smal , family-owned busi-
ness and don’t have the sophistication this corporate position needs.
You don’t even dress properly.”
Julie swal owed her pride, pushed her hurt aside, and told Stevie she
knew she could learn if Stevie coached her. Stevie twisted her mouth
scornful y and turned back to her computer screen. Julie, not knowing
what to say, left the room. Julie tried to pretend that what Stevie said
didn’t get to her, but it did.
Stevie’s “orientation” consisted of giving Julie a list of manager and
employee names with phone extensions and tel ing her where she could
park her car and find a bathroom. When Julie questioned Stevie about
where to find documents on the server, Stevie told her she’d learn her
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an Outpost in Your Mind ❚ 85
way around the server best if she explored it by herself, and she needed
to stop expecting others to do her work for her.
Stevie did, however, act as Julie’s personal fashion police, with daily
insults about her makeup or what she wore. A typical exchange went
like this: “You should go to Nordstrom and get a new pair of shoes.”
“What’s wrong with these?” Julie asked.
“If you need to ask,” Stevie said, in a dill pickle–sour voice, “wel , look
around at what everyone else is wearing.”
Julie looked at her shoes, saw a couple scuff marks, and responded,
“I’ll wear a different pair tomorrow.”
“I doubt those will be any better,” scoffed Stevie, turning on her stylish
$300 heels and heading down the hal way.
Judgmental bullies like Stevie lurk in many organizations. Give
them minor power and they use it to knock others down so they can
feel taller. Like mosquitoes that fuel themselves on human blood, they
feed off your reaction to their words—the subsequent humiliation,
fear, or compliance that results from their intimidation of you. If you
redden, wince, look down or away, or say “that hurts,” you give these
parasites a free ride. These bullies try to control you at a deep level,
attacking your own sense of yourself.
THE BULLY WANTS TO TURN YOU AGAINST YOU
Don’t allow a judgmental bully’s venom to seep into your brain. While
you can clearly see vicious Stevie for who and what she is, you may
have a harder time seeing how a bully in your work life has played
“let’s pretend,” making you believe her made-up image of you is real.
You may even come to believe that there’s painful truth to the person’s
disparaging descriptions of you. That’s because a bully’s words have
the power to hook your attention, enter your mind, and change your
outlook on your life, causing you to lose your inner rudder.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
86 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
To see how quickly this happens, try this experiment: Answer this
question out loud—“What color is snow?”
Then, answer this question: “What do cows drink?”
If you responded “white” when asked about snow, you might have
said that cows drink “milk” instead of water. How come? The word
“white” hooked your attention and entered your mind. Bullies who
put you down with their words invalidate you by trespassing across
your emotional and mental boundaries.
Images also ensnare your mind, such as the image a bully paints
of you when the bully “accidentally” allows you to overhear a vicious
comment such as “That stupid, fat cow in accounting” or “Did you
see how he stammered and the spittle came out of the corner of his
mouth?”
Let’s experience the power of an image. Imagine that a friend
has invited you over for dessert and asks which ice cream flavors you
prefer. You say you love chocolate chunk brownie and toasted coconut
almond. Your friend puts a scoop of each into a bowl. “But, I’m on a
diet,” you say. Your friend responds, “That’s the best part; these have
been made with low-fat, low-sugar, organic fruit, yet taste like the
richest ice cream.” You’re handed a spoon as your friend adds, “Try
some of this melted, dark chocolate on top; it has almost no fat.” Can
you imagine tasting that dessert? If you can, you’ve just experienced
the power of an image created by another’s words.
When you mentally ingest a bully’s caustic commen
ts, you allow
them to poison your self-esteem and weaken your spirit. Once you eat
the bully’s garbage, it becomes your garbage and you stop believing in
yourself, your abilities, and your right to be treated reasonably.
You may even collude with a bully’s put-downs by further tear-
ing yourself down. Soon, you’re doing the bully’s “beat you up” and
“beat you down” work in your own mind. You find yourself saying,
“He thinks I’m stupid; I wonder if he’s right”; “She said I acted like a
fool; everyone’s probably laughing at me”; or “What’s the matter with
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
How to Overcome the Bully’s Favorite Weapon—an Outpost in Your Mind ❚ 87
me anyway? The boss is right: I never do things right.” You’ve thus
handed the remote control for your life over to the bully, who uses it
to ravage your self-worth.
BECOME YOUR OWN GATEKEEPER:
DON’T LET THE BULLY IN
Now that you know what happens inside your head when a bully
invades your mental boundaries, you can decide whether you want to
give the bully an outpost in your mind or if you prefer to be the gate-
keeper who says, “You’re not coming in here; I’m in charge of what I
think about me.”
When you accept a bully’s definition of you, you cast aside your
own experience. If you wouldn’t let another person stomp on your
foot or physically slam you off balance, don’t let a bully stomp on your
spirit, or bump into and push you over inside your head. Don’t let a bully rent space in your head; you are the landlord.
Take the first step by deciding that no one has the right to turn
you against yourself. You’ll treat nonsense as what it is—something
that makes no sense.
BUILD YOUR MENTAL KEVLAR
Take a look at this list of words. Which ones describe you?
Honest
Funny
Intuitive
Caring
Genuine
Perceptive
Generous
Enthusiastic
Good-hearted
Kind
Fair
Open-minded
Loyal
Natural
Fun-loving
Compassionate
Imaginative
Creative
Responsible