great aunts helped invent a cure for a disease
way back when.
131
But trust me, we’ve got a lot of real DUMMIES
in our family, too. Just last week my uncle Gary
cut down a big branch that was overhanging his
driveway, and he ended up breaking his collarbone.
With people like Uncle Gary in my gene pool, it’s
a miracle I can even tie my own shoes. But Mom’s
always saying I can do great things if I put
my mind to it.
SAW
SAW
132
Albert Sandy says human beings only use 80% of
our brains, and if we can tap into the OTHER
20%, we can do
amazing things.
If I’m the one who figures out how to tap into
that extra 20%, though, I’m keeping that
knowledge to myself. Because if you have all these
people going around using their brains at full
capacity, it’s gonna be totally bananas.
KA-
BOOM
Wednesday
Mom’s been trying to get Rodrick excited about
college, and said it’s time for him to get serious
about looking into schools.
But Rodrick’s still convinced his band is gonna
make it big and that college is just a waste of
time for a guy like him. I think Mom’s starting
to get a little worried, because now she’s making
Rodrick research colleges for a half hour a day
instead of doing chores.
Rodrick wrote to a handful of schools to ask for
their brochures, and Mom got all excited when
they came in the mail. But most of the colleges
were for DOGS, which either Rodrick didn’t
notice or he thinks those might be the only
schools he has a chance of getting into.
134
Since Mom can’t get Rodrick interested in college,
she’s turned her attention to ME. On Monday,
Mom took me to her school so I could see what
the campus was like, and I have to admit it was
actually kind of cool.
WOOF
WOOF
COLLEGE
FETCH
UNIVERSITY
K-9
ACADEMY
Mom said that in college you can study anything
you WANT, and all you need to succeed is a
“curious mind.” She told me that, while she went
to her class, I should explore the campus so I
could get a sense of what it’s like for students.
I walked around for a while, but I felt like I
didn’t belong there.
Eventually I went to the library and just waited
for Mom to be finished with her class.
I started doing my homework, but I could tell
that all the college kids were wondering what some
middle schooler was doing in
their library.
136
That’s when I remembered hearing about a girl
my age who’s so smart, she’s already in medical
school studying to be a doctor. I figured if I
made myself look really smart, I’d look like I
BELONGED there.
So I grabbed a stack of thick books about
psychology off the nearest shelf and pretended I
was really into them.
A few minutes later, a girl pulled up a chair and
started talking to me.
137
The girl said I looked smart and she wanted
to know if I’d be willing to tutor her for her
Psychology test she had later in the week.
Now, I don’t know the first thing about
psychology, but I realized an opportunity like
THIS only comes up once in a lifetime. I told her
I was kind of busy at the moment, but I’d be
willing to tutor her the NEXT day.
When Mom came back from class, I used her
library card to check out every book on psychology
I could find. And that night I studied like I’ve
never studied before.
When the next day rolled around, I was READY.
I asked Mom if she’d take me back to her college,
and she seemed thrilled.
138
I spent two hours helping that girl prepare for
her test, and by the time we were done, I knew
she’d get a good grade. But then this big guy
came by who was apparently her BOYFRIEND.
And believe me, if I’d known there was a
boyfriend involved I wouldn’t have killed myself
learning a bunch of useless information.
If this is the kind of thing I can expect in
college, I’m gonna have to PASS. And by the
way, I was right about what happens when you
learn new stuff. I had a test on world capitals
today, and I couldn’t remember a single one.
FLICK
ZZZZZZ
139
Monday
All anyone at school can talk about these days is
Mariana Mendoza’s Halloween party, which is this
coming Friday. But it’s a little annoying for me,
because I won’t be getting an invitation.
Mariana’s parties are kind of legendary because her
parents don’t care WHAT goes on, as long as it
stays in the basement.
140
Last year’s party got TOTALLY out of control.
It started OFF in the basement, but so many
people showed up that it spilled out into the
yard, and the cops came to shut it down. And
that’s a pretty big deal for a middle school party.
This year, Mariana’s parents said she has to keep
it SMALL, so she’s only inviting people who are
in the school band with her. That’s bad news for
kids like me who were hoping to get invited this
time around.
Rowley’s gonna get invited, though, because he’s
in the band. But believe me, if he goes to a party
like THAT, he’s gonna be in over his head.
141
I was thinking about this at school today when
I had a genius idea. If I join the BAND, I
can get invited to Mariana’s party.
Tonight, when I told Mom and Dad I wanted
to join the band, Mom was all for it. She was
really excited I wanted to challenge myself and
try something new. But Dad wasn’t crazy about
the idea.
Dad said instruments are EXPENSIVE, and he
doesn’t think I’ll stick with it. But Mom said
Rodrick stuck with the DRUMS, which I don’t
think really helped my case.
That’s when Dad brought up the PIANO.
CRASH
SMASH
142
Two years ago, Mom saw me fooling around with
one of those little electronic keyboards at the
mall the week before Christmas. I liked it because
it had all these buttons that made different
sound effects.
I think Mom got a little overly excited that I was
showing interest in a musical instrument, because
on Christmas Eve a truck rolled up to deliver a
full-size piano.
QUACK
QUACK
QUACK
143
Judging by Dad’s reaction, I don’t think Mom
checked with him before buying it.
At first I was excited about the piano, but when
I realized it didn’t make laser sounds and stuff
like that, I lost interest real quick.
But Mom wasn’t gonna let me give up so fast. She
hired a lady named Mrs. French to come to the
house and give me private lessons twice a week.
TINK
144
Mrs. French knew her stuff when it came to the
piano, but I was a TERRIBLE student.
The first problem was Mrs. French’s teaching style.
She’d sit right behind me on the bench and put
her fingers on top of MY fingers. That approach
might work for SOME of Mrs. French’s students,
but it definitely didn’t work for ME.
Then there was the music itself. If I was gonna
play the piano, I wanted to learn cool songs like
the ones you hear on the radio. But Mrs. French
said I had to start with the BASICS, and she
gave me a “Beginner’s Songbook” that looked like
it was older than Mrs. French.
MID-DLE "C"!
MID-DLE "C"!
145
All the songs in that thing were really corny, and
it was hard for me to get into them.
I felt pretty bad, because Mrs. French gave me
homework every time she visited, but I NEVER
practiced in between lessons. So every time she
came we’d have to start over with the “C-D-E”
song, which must’ve driven her nuts.
Eventually Mrs. French gave up trying to teach
me anything, and she’d just read gossip magazines
while I did my own thing.
C-D-E
with Bee
C D
E!
Sing with me!
Sing with bee!
Sing with glee!
146
It went on like that for a month or two, but
eventually Mom discovered what was happening and
that was the end of my private lessons.
Now the piano is just a giant piece of furniture
taking up space in the living room. I think Mom
and Dad are still paying that thing off, so I
can kind of understand why Dad’s not eager for
me to try a NEW instrument.
Luckily, Mom had my back. She said maybe the
piano wasn’t the right FIT for me, and that
sometimes the instrument needs to find the
PERSON. She finally convinced him when she said
that kids who play musical instruments do better
at math and go on to get better jobs.
BLEEP
BLORP
BEEP
147
A half hour later we were at the music store
downtown picking out an instrument.
My number one requirement for an instrument
is that it makes me look COOL. I saw a guy
at Mom’s college strumming a guitar outside the
library, and he DEFINITELY had the right idea.
148
Unfortunately, the guitar isn’t one of the
instruments in our middle school band. So I had
to pick something else.
I had my eye on the saxophone at first, because
with that one it’s hard NOT to look cool. I
learned THAT from Declan Vaughn, who practices
his during recess.
But there are WAY too many buttons on that
thing, and I knew I’d never get the hang of it.
Mom suggested I take a look at the French horn,
which SHE used to play as a kid. The French horn
looked cool enough and only had three buttons, so
I figured I could probably handle it.
149
The shopkeeper pulled the French horn down off the
hook and handed it to me. But when Dad saw the
price tag, he put the brakes on the whole thing.
Dad said we should RENT instead of buy, because
that would be a whole lot cheaper. But all the
rental instruments were USED.
The kid who played the French horn in the school
band last year was Joshua Ballard, and there was
a chance the rental belonged to HIM.
150
Mom and Dad got into an argument in front
of everyone, and it was kind of embarrassing.
Dad said we were spending too much money on
something I’d quit in two weeks, and Mom said he
needed to show more FAITH in me.
Eventually, Dad caved in. But before he swiped
his credit card, he made me promise I’d practice
every night.
This thing better be as easy as it looks. Because
it feels like a lot of trouble to go through just to
get invited to a Halloween party.
Tuesday
When I was picking an instrument, I should’ve
put more thought into it. I was mostly
thinking about IMAGE, but there are OTHER
considerations, too.
151
It was a pain in the neck bringing my French
horn to school today, because the CASE weighs
almost as much as the instrument. But when I
saw what Grayden Bundy had to deal with, I
felt OK about my choice.
Everybody says Annabelle Grier is one of the
smartest girls in our grade, and it’s easy to see
why. She plays the piccolo, so she’s not wasting
any energy lugging a heavy instrument around.
DRAG
152
But George Deveney might be even smarter than
HER. He plays the kettledrums, and those are
too big to take home every night, so they stay in
the band room full-time.
Something I never really noticed before is that
most of the kids in the band actually kind of
LOOK like their instruments. I don’t know
if people do that on purpose or if it’s just a
coincidence.
BOOM
BA-
DOOM
BOOM
TOOT
TOOOT
SCREE
SCREEE
TWEET
TWEET
153
The great thing about the band is that there are
no tryouts or anything. Basically, if you buy an
instrument and show up, you’re in.
But I wasn’t thinking it all the way through
when I picked my instrument. The French horn
is in the brass section, and almost everyone in the
brass section is a GUY.
The woodwind section is the complete opposite.
It’s all GIRLS except for a handful of guys,
including Rowley. I really wish he’d given me
a heads-up about it, because that information
would’ve been nice to know.
Maybe Rowley didn’t tell me on PURPOSE so I
wouldn’t give him any competition.
154
I noticed he sits right next to Mariana Mendoza,
and believe me, that’s no accident.
When class started, Mrs. Graziano told us to
start warming up. That’s when I remembered
that my least favorite sound in the world is kids
practicing their instruments.
But Mrs. Graziano didn’t seem to mind. She’s
retiring this year, so I think she’s already
checked out.
TWEET
TWOOT
TOOT
TWEET
TWEET
TWEEE
SMASH
BUH-DUH
BOOMP
SHAKE-A
SHAKE
PLUCK
PLUCK
SCREE
SCREECH
CLICK
155
I sat next to the only other kid who plays the
French horn, Evan Pittman, who looked like
he knew what he was doing. With the way he
moved his fingers around, it seemed a lot more
complicated than I was expecting. But I figured
I might as well give it a shot.
I filled my cheeks with air just like Evan did, and
I blew into the mouthpiece as hard as I could.
But the air didn’t come out where I expected.
As soon as it happened, everyone in the band
just FROZE. Jake McGough started trying to
sniff out who did it, because he’s got a weird
talent for that sort of thing.
BLAPPP
156
But if there’s one thing you should know about
me, it’s that I have NEVER taken blame for a
fart. I’d even throw my own mother under the
bus, and trust me, I have.
The kids in the band were starting to look my
way. I was really sweating it, because if I was
gonna get invited to Mariana Mendoza’s Halloween
party, my reputation couldn’t take a hit like this.
SNIFF
SNIFF
WHO CUT THE
CHEESE IN HERE?
NOT
ME!
FAN
FAN
157
Jake McGough was getting closer and closer,
and I knew I was only seconds away from
getting identified.
So I did what I HAD to do, and pinned it on
Grayden Bundy.
I didn’t feel TOO bad, because Grayden has a
reputation for letting it rip in class. So the way
I see it, this was punishment for all the times he
got away with one.
158
Thursday
I wish I could go back in time and pick a new
instrument, because this French horn is no joke.
The guy at the music store never mentioned that it’s