DIPER
104
Just after the cop drove away, Mom spotted
Rodrick’s van on the highway and pulled in behind us.
And I guess the pig hadn’t totally emptied out yet,
because it coughed up one last puddle of candy corn.
Tuesday
Last night when we got home, Mom said she
wasn’t mad at me, she was DISAPPOINTED.
And when it comes to Mom, that’s even WORSE.
She said she’s disturbed by my “pattern of
deception,” and that between the incident at
Maddox’s house and what happened with the
pig, she didn’t feel like I could be trusted. I
explained for the millionth time that the Lego
thing was just a misunderstanding, but she’d
obviously already made up her mind about that one.
BLARF
105
The last time we had a conversation like this was
when I was in the fourth grade, and I’ll admit
I totally deserved a punishment that time around.
It actually started with something kind of small.
Mom used to pack my lunch every morning, and
I’d always eat my sandwich and snack but toss
whatever fruit she’d put in there.
Mom figured out I wasn’t eating my fruit, so one
day she put an apple in my lunch and made me
promise to bring the core home to prove I’d eaten
it. She said if I DIDN’T, she wouldn’t pack a
snack for me anymore.
At lunch I forgot all about my promise, and I
threw my fruit away like usual.
TOSS
106
And when I got home, Mom asked me where my
apple core was.
I probably should’ve just come clean, but for some
reason I made up a lie. I told her that on the
way to school that morning, a bully grabbed me
and stole my apple.
It was a pretty desperate move on my part, but
I was worried Mom wasn’t gonna give me a snack
the next day if I told her the truth.
107
I thought my story was so lame that Mom would
see right through it. But she wanted to know
more about this bully, so I really let it rip.
I told her the kid’s name was Curtis Litz and
that he was a foot taller than me, with a
unibrow, and a mole on his chin. I figured if
Mom was looking for DETAILS, I wasn’t gonna
disappoint her.
Mom said she could step in, but this was a good
opportunity for me to learn how to settle a
conflict on my OWN.
So that night she brought me a pen and paper
and had me write Curtis a letter, which I did.
108
Dear
Curtis,
Please
don't
take
my
apple
again.
My
mom
says
I need
it
for
my
nutrition.
Sincerely,
Greg Heffley
I probably should’ve just ended it right then.
But I wrote a fake letter to myself from Curtis
instead. And to make sure Mom could see how
BAD this kid was, I added a rude drawing at
the end.
DEAR
GREGORY,
YOUR
APPLE
WAS
DELICIOUS.
TELL
YOUR
MOMMY
TO
SEND
ME
ANOTHER
ONE
TOMORROW.
FROM
CURTIS
A BUTT
109
Well, I guess I took it too far, because the
next day Mom came to school with that letter,
demanding to speak to Curtis Litz.
The secretary told Mom there was no student
named Curtis Litz at the school, and when Mom
asked me about him I said he must be homeschooled.
After that I got kind of nervous, and for the
next two weeks I had Rowley eat my apple at
lunch and give me the core.
MAIN
OFFICE
CHOMP
110
Mom seemed to forget all about it until we sat a
row behind the Bartlemans at church one weekend.
Their fifth-grade son, Tevin, looked just like my
description of Curtis Litz, and he caught Mom’s eye.
Mom told Tevin’s parents they’re raising a rotten
kid and that they owed her some apples. I felt
pretty bad, because Tevin Bartleman is a nice
kid and his family volunteers at the soup kitchen
downtown every Saturday morning.
Later on in the year Mom joined the Fundraising
Committee, which was headed up by Mrs.
Bartleman. It didn’t take long for Mom to figure
things out from there, and I lost TV privileges
for a whole month as punishment.
111
But I actually ended up getting a DOUBLE
punishment, because for the rest of that year,
every time Tevin saw me in the hallway, he really
let me have it.
Last night Mom decided that my punishment for
lying was for me to take THREE chores out of
the Grab Bag every day this week.
Unfortunately, she already cleared out all of
Rodrick’s slips of paper, which means there’s no
chance I’ll get an easy one.
JERK!
PUNCH
EAT
SOME
ICE
CREAM.
112
When we wrapped up our conversation last night,
Mom said I’m a smart kid with a good imagination,
but I just need to DO something with it.
Listen, I’m not proud of myself for lying, but
trust me, I’m not the ONLY one in this family
who bends the truth.
I’ve heard grown-ups lie ten times a week, but if
you ask me I’ll bet it’s even MORE than that.
The first time I remember Mom telling me a lie
was when I was about three years old and she
had me try broccoli.
And Mom doesn’t seem to have any problem lying
to MANNY, either.
IT TASTES
LIKE CANDY!
113
Last December, when Mom put the gingerbread
house out on the kitchen table, she told Manny
not to touch it until Christmas or it would turn
into a million spiders, which is kind of a crazy
thing to tell a little kid. But it backfired when
Manny fumigated the gingerbread house with a can
of bug spray.
Dad’s a pretty honest guy in general, but even
HE fibs when it’s convenient for him.
Dad used to HATE it when the ice cream truck
came through our neighborhood, because me and
Rodrick would always start begging him for money
as soon as we heard the music.
So Dad told us the ice cream truck only plays
music when they’re OUT of ice cream.
FWOOSF
114
I actually think lying might be inherited, because
GRANDPA does it, too. But he should’ve gotten
his stories straight with Dad, because Grandpa use
d
to say the ice cream truck driver was a clown who
spanked children he caught roaming around outside.
I’m kind of embarrassed to say that when Grandpa
first told me that, I actually BELIEVED him.
CREAM
115
So I felt like it was my responsibility to get the
word out to OTHER kids in the neighborhood.
I’ve learned not to trust the grown-ups in our
family, but nobody’s done more to mess with my
head than RODRICK.
The first lie I can remember him telling me was
that if your belly button got untied, your BUTT
would fall off.
I made sure my preschool classmates knew about
that, which caused a big stir at school.
RUNNNNNN!
116
Right around this same time Rodrick told me that
the outer ring of the toilet seat was only used by
girls, and that guys are supposed to lift the seat
no matter WHAT.
I believed him, and if I hadn’t accidentally left the
door unlocked one night, I might’ve gone on using
the toilet the wrong way for the rest of my life.
117
Sometimes Rodrick told me things that got me in
BIG trouble. When I was in second grade he said
that if a person wears camouflage, they’re actually
INVISIBLE to everyone else.
That one got me banned from the town pool for
the rest of the summer.
A lot of Rodrick’s lies ended up costing me
MONEY, too. One year Rodrick told me that if
I dug a hole and put all my birthday money in it,
a tree would grow and I could get cash from it
whenever I WANTED.
That seemed like a pretty sweet deal to ME.
TO POOL
AREA
HEY!
SHOWERS
118
So I did what he said, and I even watered it
twice a day. But when I told Mom my Money Tree
wasn’t growing, she got a shovel and dug up the
hole, which was EMPTY.
I’m glad Mom stepped in when she did, because
in another day or two all of my birthday money
would’ve been spent on bubble gum and comic books.
119
Sometimes Rodrick just took my money outright.
Once, when I lost one of my baby teeth, I
put it under my pillow for the tooth fairy. But
when I went to see if she left me fifty cents,
I found a note that I’m pretty sure Rodrick
wrote himself.
Rodrick told me the tooth fairy was only ONE
of the fairies that comes in the middle of the
night and gives money. He said there was an
arm fairy and a leg fairy and a bunch of other
ones, too.
Rodrick said that when you get older your child
arms and legs fall off, and when they do, you put
them under your pillow and get money.
SORRY
I'M
LIGHT ON
CASH
TONIGHT. I
WILL HOOK YOU UP
NEXT TIME.
- T.F.
120
He said after THAT, your adult limbs start
growing in, but sometimes a kid’s arms or legs get
loose and the adult ones come in early.
I was TERRIFIED that was gonna happen to
ME, so I checked every night to make sure my
arms and legs were on tight.
Rodrick was always coming up with ways to scare
me. Back when our basement wasn’t finished, there
were open gaps under the stair treads.
121
Rodrick said if I went up the stairs too slow, a
monster would grab my ankle. From then on, I
started taking the stairs two
at a time.
After I got good at THAT, I tried taking the
stairs THREE at a time. But I guess that was a
little too ambitious.
ZOW
TRIP
122
Eventually we finished the basement and the
gaps were covered up with wood. But GRAMMA’S
basement is still unfinished, and before I go down
there I usually make sure everything’s all clear first.
Another thing Rodrick said to scare me was
that if I burped indoors, the ghost of George
Washington would haunt me. I have no idea how
he came up with THAT one, but it still makes me
think twice before opening a can of soda.
GROAN
123
Sometimes Rodrick would tell me something that
actually COULD be true,
and that’s when things
got confusing.
He told me once that if a person sleeps with their
mouth open they’ll eat an average of five spiders
a night, which is kind of believable if you think
about it.
Another time Rodrick told me that it’s dangerous
to wake someone up when they’re sleepwalking. I
thought there could be a chance he was actually
telling the truth, because I’m pretty sure I
heard that one somewhere else.
ZZZZZ
124
But then a few nights later I caught Rodrick
eating an ice cream sandwich that was supposed to
be MINE and I realized it was just another one
of his dirty tricks.
I’ve been lied to so much over the years, it could
take me the rest of my life to figure out what’s
true and what’s not.
In the meantime, I’m not taking any chances.
CHEW
BURP
125
Thursday
Mom’s only been going to school for a few days
now, but she’s acting like a COMPLETELY
different person. When she gets home at night,
she’s always in a good mood. She doesn’t even get
mad if I haven’t finished my chores.
Mom says she’s happy because she’s being challenged
at school, and the rest of us should try learning
new things, too.
But I have a theory when it comes to this sort
of thing. I figure your brain only has so much
space in it, and by the time you’re eight or nine
years old, it’s all filled up.
126
So if you want to learn something new after
THAT, you have to make room by getting rid of
something OLD.
I figure that’s why school gets harder the further
you go. Every time new information comes in, your
brain automatically clears out something ELSE to
make space.
To prove my point, ever since I learned about
photosynthesis in Science, I haven’t been able to
remember how to do long division.
Question 1: What is 367 divided by 12?
Remember to show your work!
NO
CLUE.
The way
to
calculate the
jupiter is
the
largest
Jamestown
was
the first
An electron
is
a
stable
subatom
127
I just wish you could CHOOSE what your brain
gets rid of. I’ve completely forgotten the
cheat
codes for Twisted Wizard, but I still have a really
clear memory of the time I scared Dad when he
came out of the shower.
And believe me, I’d pay good money to wipe
THAT image from my memory bank.
Mom says me and Rodrick need to start thinking
about what we want to do when we grow up and
start planning for the future NOW. She says
when you’re a kid you should do as many things as
you can to find out what you like so that later
you’ll know what to focus on.
RAAAH!
SCREAM!!!
128
I already KNOW what I want to do for my
career. I’m planning on being a video game
tester when I grow up. The way I see it, I’ve
been training for that job ever since I was old
enough to hold a controller in my hands.
But whenever I tell Mom my plan, she doesn’t
seem excited about it.
Mom says I should set my sights HIGHER and
become an engineer or a doctor or something like
that. She says if I just play video games all day
and don’t take school seriously, I’m gonna end
up being a garbage collector.
BLAM
POW
POW
CHIPS
129
First of all, the only doctor I know is our
pediatrician, Dr. Higgins, and I can’t see myself
spending the rest of my life suctioning mucus out
of little kids’ noses.
And second, being a garbage collector seems like
a pretty sweet deal to ME. The guys who collect
our trash get to be outside every day and crank
their music up really loud. So if the video game
tester thing doesn’t work out
for me, garbage
collector seems like a good fallback plan.
When I was little, Mom always told me I could be
anything I wanted when I grew up.
CRUNCH
TOSS
130
I didn’t find out until later on that she was
just talking about JOBS. I thought I could
literally be ANYTHING.
Mom’s always saying we have a lot of brains in
our family, and that one of my great-great-