a LEFT-handed instrument, and I’m a RIGHTY.
I thought it would be easy with the whole three-
button thing, but my left hand isn’t strong enough
to work it. Plus, the mouthpiece is TINY, and
I can’t get any air through it. So far I haven’t
been able to squeeze out ANYTHING that sounds
like a musical note.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t help me with DAD.
He wants to hear me practicing each night, like I
promised him.
FWEEP
159
Luckily, I found some video clips of a high school
girl practicing HER French horn. So those videos
are doing the trick, at least for now.
This whole musical instrument thing might be a big
waste of time, anyway. Mariana didn’t invite the
entire band to her party tomorrow night, just the
WOODWIND section.
That means if you play a brass instrument like me,
you’re out of luck. But then I realized I’ve got
an IN. Rowley’s part of the woodwind section,
and if HE’S going, then I can just tag along.
I can’t just show up with him, though, or I
could get turned away at the door.
TWEET
TWOOT
TWEE
160
So I figured out a way to make sure that doesn’t
happen. I realized that if I make myself part of
Rowley’s COSTUME, then wherever he goes, I
go, too. That’s how I came up with the idea of us
going as a two-headed monster.
On the walk home from school, I told Rowley all
about my plan.
But Rowley said he wanted to go to the party as
a “nice witch,” and his mom was already working
on his costume.
See, this is EXACTLY why Rowley needs me to
go with him.
161
I told Rowley if he went to a party like this
dressed up as a witch, he’d never live it down at
school. I think that made him kind of nervous, so
he said he changed his mind and wanted to do the
two-headed-monster thing I had come up with.
So tonight we got to work making the costume out
of some sheets I found in the linen closet. When
Mom got home from school, I realized I should’ve
asked permission before cutting them up. But she
was really happy me and Rowley were MAKING
something instead of playing video games like we
usually do.
I told her we were making a two-headed-monster
costume, and she thought that was a GREAT
idea for trick-or-treating.
162
I told Mom the costume was actually for Mariana
Mendoza’s Halloween party, and as soon as I said
it, I wished I could take it back. Like I said
before, last year’s party was a total blowout, and
EVERYONE in our town heard about it.
But Mom was actually good with the idea. She said
a party was a chance for us to “branch out” and
grow our “friend circle.” She said she’d even be
happy to give us a RIDE.
I’m just relieved she didn’t suggest adding
another head to the costume, because believe me,
that’s EXACTLY the kind of thing she would
think of.
SHUDDER
163
Halloween
It took a long time to get to Mariana’s house
tonight because the street was full of little kids
trick-or-treating.
I was kind of GLAD we were a little late, because
if we showed up right on time, we’d look like we
were too eager. When we finally got to Mariana’s,
I told Mom thanks for the ride and not to come
back for us until the party ended at 11:00.
But Mom turned off the ignition, got out of the
minivan, and pulled some bags from the back.
164
When I asked her what she was doing, she said
she was coming in to introduce herself to Mr. and
Mrs. Mendoza.
I BEGGED Mom not to, but when she decides to
do something, there’s really no stopping her.
She rang the doorbell, but nobody answered. We
could hear loud music coming from the basement, so
Mom opened the door and we all stepped inside.
Mr. and Mrs. Mendoza were on the couch watching
a horror movie, and they didn’t seem too interested
in getting up and chatting with Mom.
165
Mom asked if she could go downstairs and check out
Now I was REALLY nervous. Mom opened the
door to the basement and headed on down, and
all me and Rowley could really do was follow. There
were a lot of kids there already, and they looked
like they were having a blast.
166
But when everyone saw Mom, they stopped what
they were doing.
Mom pulled a bunch of homemade Halloween games
out of her bag, and I got a sick feeling in my
stomach. I should’ve known what Mom was up to
when I saw her reading the October edition of
“Family Frolic” magazine last night.
When Mom pulled out her party games, I figured
everyone would just ignore her and go back to
having fun. But then something CRAZY happened.
Family
Frolic
SPOOKTASTIC
FUN!
HAUNTED
HOMEMADE
PARTY
GAMES!
167
A bunch of the girls started HELPING Mom
set up her stuff.
From that point on Mom was running the show.
She invited everyone at the party to play these
corny Halloween games. I thought I might
actually die of embarrassment, but everybody got
into it and seemed to be having a great time.
BONK
168
I think the person who was having the MOST
fun was Rowley. His favorite game was the one
where you eat a doughnut on a string, and he set
the record with five in thirty seconds.
Once I realized everyone was having a good time,
I relaxed a little. I even played a few games
MYSELF. Me and Rowley took first prize in
Pin the Boo on the Ghost, and I gotta admit
we made a pretty good team.
CHEW
CHEW
A LITTLE
TO THE
LEFT!
169
In fact, we won a LOT of Mom’s games. The only
one we stunk at was the Mini Pumpkin Toss, but I
guess you can’t be good at EVERYTHING.
After the games were over, somebody turned the
music louder, and the party cranked up a notch.
It was a little hard to pull out my best moves
while I was attached to Rowley, but I still had
some pretty good stuff.
TOSS
SPLAT
170
I gotta say, it was AWESOME. The only kids
who WEREN’T having fun were the handful of
guys who were there. But I wasn’t gonna let a
few sour grapes spoil my good time.
Right when the party was about to hit the
next level, Rowley to
ld me he needed to use the
bathroom. But when we made the costume we didn’t
PLAN for that sort of thing.
There wasn’t a zipper or anything like that, so
the only way to get out of the costume was to
cut it off. Neither one of us was wearing pants
underneath, so THAT wasn’t happening.
171
I was pretty annoyed, because earlier in the
evening I had TOLD Rowley to slow down on the
fruit punch, and of course he hadn’t listened.
I decided he was just gonna have to wait until
we got home to deal with it. So I tried to go
back to having fun, but Rowley made it kind of
impossible for me to enjoy myself.
I think Mom figured out what was going on from
the look on Rowley’s face, and she said it was time
for us to “wrap things up” and head home.
Now I was REALLY mad. The party was in full
swing and we had to leave because Rowley needed a
potty break.
WHIMPER
WHIMPER
172
But Mom said it’s better to leave a party when it’s
going strong than when it’s fizzling out. She said
it makes you look COOL, because everybody will
think you have better things to do.
I don’t know what’s better than hanging out
with Mariana Mendoza, but Mom was practically
pushing me up the stairs.
When we drove away, I was pretty miserable. But
Mom was as happy as I’ve ever seen her.
BYYYE MRS.
HEFFLEY!
HONK
HONK
173
NOVEMBER
Thursday
All this week, Mariana and her friends have
been saying how great the party was and how
much fun my mom was. I don’t know how to feel
about that, exactly, but I guess I’ll take it as
a compliment.
I’ve kind of lost interest in being in the band,
though, and it’s not JUST because the party’s in
the rearview mirror. Once we got back to school on
Monday, the guys in the woodwind section started
giving me a hard time.
And it’s not just the BIG guys, either. Even
Jake McGough’s gotten in on the act.
MOMMA’s
BOY!
SHOVE
174
When I told Mom and Dad I was thinking
of quitting the band, Dad said that wasn’t an
option. He said my instrument cost a lot of money,
and that I had to honor my “commitment.”
He said I can’t just quit something because it’s
HARD, and if there’s anything he’s gonna teach
me, it’s PERSEVERANCE.
I could tell Dad wasn’t gonna let it go, so I
promised him I’d keep trying. He seemed pretty
happy with that, and I thought I was off
the hook.
TWEET!
175
Then he told me he’s gonna come to the Fall
Concert to cheer me on. I told Dad the concert
is during the school day, so he won’t be ABLE to
come. But Dad said it’s important to him, so he’s
gonna take off work.
Now the pressure’s REALLY on. I’ve been trying
to learn to play this thing ever since, but trust
me, it’s not easy.
I asked Rowley to come over and help me
tonight, because I figured he’s been in the band
for a while and knows a thing or two about
instruments. But every time the two of us are in a
room together, we end up getting distracted.
WHAP
176
Dad was pretty mad, because he said all me and
Rowley do when we’re together is screw around.
So he sent Rowley home and told me to get back
to work. But even that girl in the videos gave up
trying to learn the French horn, so I guess I’m
REALLY on my own.
Wednesday
Today was the day of the big Fall Concert. I never
technically learned how to play my instrument,
but I did figure out how to get BY.
I sit right next to Evan Pittman in band
practice, and he can play his French horn just
fine. I realized if I just piggybacked on him
and PRETENDED I was playing, he could do
the work for BOTH of us.
#$@%!
*@$#!!!
177
So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two
weeks. And if Mrs. Graziano didn’t notice from
ten feet away, I knew DAD wouldn’t notice from
across the room.
But ten minutes before showtime, Evan was
nowhere to be found. I asked his best friend,
Marcus Perez, where Evan was, and Marcus said
Evan was getting his braces off today and was
going to miss the concert.
I couldn’t BELIEVE Evan would hang me out
to dry like that. I thought the brass section is
supposed to have each other’s BACKS.
When it came time for the band to do warm-ups,
I started to SWEAT.
TWEET
TOOT
WRIGGLE
WRIGGLE
178
I was praying Dad forgot about the Fall Concert,
but then there he was at the stage door.
After the audience took their seats, it was time
to go on stage. Mrs. Graziano led us out in single
file, with the brass section going next to last.
But the woodwinds were right behind us, and that
idiot Jake McGough stepped on the back of my
shoe and gave me a flat tire.
RAP
RAP
STEP
179
I had to put my horn down to fix my shoe, and
when I did, the last kid in the woodwind section
went through the stage door and let it shut
behind him.
I tried to open the door, but it was LOCKED,
so I pounded on the window. But everyone was
tuning their instruments and couldn’t hear me.
CLICK
POUND
POUND
180
The concert was about to start, and all I could
think about was Dad looking at my empty chair.
So I knocked HARDER.
Luckily, Rowley saw me at the window, got up
from his chair, and opened the door. But then
he stepped INSIDE the room and let the door
shut BEHIND him.
Now we were BOTH stuck. I knocked on the
window again, but right at that moment Mrs.
Graziano struck up the band and everyone started
playing. Now it was HOPELESS, because there
was no way anyone was gonna hear me with
George Deveney pounding away on his kettledrums.
CLICK
181
When the clarinet section piped in, Rowley went
into a PANIC. He started playing along with the
rest of the band, which was DEFINITELY not
helping matters.
It was pretty clear it was gonna be up to me
to get us out of there. I tried to pry the door
open by putting my foot on the wall and pulling
on the handle with all my strength. But I guess
my pants couldn’t take the stress.
TOOT
TWEET
TOOT
TOOT
TWEET
TOOT
RIPPP
182
I looked in the mirror on the back wall to check
the damage, and there was a five-inch tear down
the middle of my pants. That was really bad news,
because you could see my underwear.
I realized that even if we managed to get the
door back open, I couldn’t go out there with this
giant HOLE in my pants. So I looked around
the room to see if there was anything I could
use to cover up. I found a black binder on Mrs.
Graziano’s desk, and I slipped it down the back
of my pants.
TOOT
TWEET
TOOT
TOOT
TWEET
TOOT
183
The binder covered up the hole pretty well, and
from a distance no one would be able to notice. But
it was so STIFF, I couldn’t actually sit DOWN.
So I had to take it out and come up with a
different idea.
Then I thought of a solution. I grabbed a black
marker off Mrs. Graziano’s desk and told Rowley
to color in the part of my underwear that was
showing. That way, no one would even know my
pants ripped.
Unfortunately, that’s right when DAD came
through the door. I don’t know what it looked like
to HIM, but I have a feeling it didn’t look GOOD.
TOOT
TWEET
TOOT
SCRIBBLE
SCRIBBLE
184
Thursday
No matter how many times I explained to Dad
what had happened at the Fall Concert, he didn’t
want to hear it. He said me and Rowley were
goofing off when we should’ve been performing
with the band, and that’s all he needed to know.
My punishment is two weeks with no television or
video games, and I’m not allowed to have friends
over after school. The only thing I really CAN
do is practice my French horn, which I guess is
the point.
But practicing that thing stresses me out, and