but that’s when I gave up. I spent the night on
one of the spare beds in the basement, even
though there were no blankets on it. I practically
froze to death, but there was no way I was
gonna use a blanket from Rodrick’s bed.
97
Somebody must’ve unlocked the basement door
overnight, because when I woke up this morning, it
was open. And when I walked upstairs, it looked
like a tornado had touched down in the family room.
The last of Rodrick’s friends wasn’t gone until
3:00 in the afternoon. And once everyone left,
Rodrick told me I had to help him clean up.
I told Rodrick he was out of his mind if he
thought I was helping. But then Rodrick said
that if he got busted for the party, he was
taking me down with him.
98
He said if I didn’t help him clean up the mess,
he would tell all my friends about the thing that
happened to me this summer.
I couldn’t believe Rodrick would play dirty like
that. But I could tell he was serious, so I just
got to work.
Mom and Dad were supposed to be back by
7:00, and we still had a ton of work to do.
It wasn’t easy to erase all the evidence of the
party, because Rodrick’s friends had left trash in
all these crazy places. At one point, when I
went to make myself a bowl of cereal, a half-eaten
piece of pizza fell out of the box.
99
By 6:45, we had things pretty well wrapped
up. I went upstairs to take a shower, and
that’s when I saw the message written on the
inside of the bathroom door.
I tried scrubbing the writing off with soap and
water, but whoever wrote that thing must’ve used a
permanent marker.
Mom and Dad were gonna be home any minute, so
I thought we were doomed. But then Rodrick
had a genius idea. He said we could switch the
door out and replace it with a closet door
from the basement.
So we got some screwdrivers and went to work.
100
We finally managed to get the door off its
hinges, and then we carried it downstairs.
Then we got the closet door from Rodrick’s room
in the basement and brought it upstairs.
101
We made it with no time to spare. Mom and
Dad’s car rolled into the driveway right when we
were tightening the last screw.
You could tell they were pretty relieved the house
hadn’t burned down while they were away.
I don’t think we’re totally out of the woods just
yet. Because with the way Dad was poking
around tonight, I’m sure it won’t be long before
he figures out about the party.
Well, Rodrick might have lucked out this time,
but all I can say is, he should be glad manny
wasn’t there to see the party. Manny is a
huge tattletale. In fact, he’s been telling on
me ever since he could talk. He’s even told on me
for stuff I did before he could talk.
sniff
sniff
102
When I was a kid, I broke the sliding glass door
in the family room. Mom and Dad didn’t have any
evidence that I was the one who did it, so they
couldn’t peg it on me, and I was in the clear.
But Manny was there when it happened, and two
years later, he squealed on me.
So after Manny started talking, I had to
worry about all the bad things he saw me do
when he was a baby.
Bubby thowed
wock at big
window.
squirt
squirt
103
I used to be a big tattletale myself until I learned
my lesson. One time, I told on Rodrick for saying
a bad word. Mom asked me which word he said, so
I spelled it out. And it was a long one, too.
Well, I ended up getting a bar of soap in my
mouth for knowing how to spell a bad word, and
Rodrick got off scot-free.
Monday
Tomorrow, I have an English assignment due where
I have to write an “allegory.”
That’s basically a story that says one thing but
means something else. I was having trouble getting
inspired, but then I saw Rodrick outside working
on his van, and I got an idea.
104
Rory Screws Up
by Greg Heffley
Once upon a time there was this monkey named Rory.
The family he lived with loved him very much, even
though he was constantly screwing things up.
One day Rory accidentally rang the doorbell, and
everybody thought he did it on purpose. So they
gave him some bananas as a reward.
Rory
You are so
smart, Rory!
eee!
eee!
105
Well, now Rory was going around thinking he was
some sort of monkey genius or something. And one
day, he heard his owner say —
So Rory’s primitive mind raced to formulate a plan.
And here is what he eventually came up with:
Rory worked all day and all night, and to make a long
story short, the end result was not a fixed car.
My dang car
is broke!
Rory... fix...
kar!
Rory
106
After it was all over, Rory had learned a very
valuable lesson: Rory is a monkey. And monkeys
don’t fix cars.
After I finished my paper, I showed it to
Rodrick. I figured he wouldn’t get it, and sure
enough, I was right.
Like I said before, Rodrick knows he’s got me
under his thumb with this “secret” thing. So I
have to get my licks in any way I can.
The End
Monkeys don't
understand
English, stupid.
107
Wednesday
Today was Manny’s first day of preschool, and
apparently it didn’t go so great.
All the other kids in Manny’s school started back
in September. But Manny wasn’t potty trained
until last week, so that’s why he had to wait
until now to make the jump from day care.
Manny’s preschool was having their Halloween
party today, so it wasn’t the greatest way to
introduce him to his classmates.
Manny’s teachers had to call Mom at work and
have her come get him.
108
I remember my first day of preschool. I didn’t
really know anyone, so I was pretty scared
about being around a bunch of new kids. But this
boy named Quinn came right over and started
talking to me.
I didn’t get that it was a joke, so it really
freaked me out.
Do you like
ice cream?
yeah!
then why don't
you marry it?
109
I told Mom I didn’t want to go back to preschool,
and I told her all about Quinn and what he said.
But
Mom told me Quinn was just being silly, and
I didn’t need to listen to him.
After Mom explained the joke, I actually thought
it was pretty funny. I couldn’t wait to go back to
school the next day and try it out myself.
But it didn’t really have the same effect.
You're gonna
grow up and get
married to some
ice cream! Ha!
110
november
Monday
It’s been over a week since Rodrick’s party, and
I stopped worrying that Mom and Dad were
gonna bust us for it. But remember that bathroom
door we switched out? Well, I forgot all about it
until tonight.
Rodrick was upstairs in my room bugging me, and
Dad went into the bathroom. A couple seconds later,
he said something that made Rodrick stop cold.
I thought it was over. If Dad knew about the
door, it was just a matter of time before he
found out about the party.
Hey...didn't
this door
used to lock?
111
But Dad didn’t put two and two together.
You know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Mom
and Dad found out about the party. Rodrick
would get grounded, which would be awesome.
So if I can figure out a way to spill the beans
without Rodrick finding out, I’m gonna go for it.
Tuesday
I got my first letter from my French pen pal,
Mamadou, today. I decided to adjust my attitude
and give this whole pen-pal thing my best effort.
So when I wrote back to Mamadou today, I tried
to be as helpful as possible.
I must be
losing my
marbles.
Ahhhhh...
112
I think it’s dumb that Madame Lefrere won’t let
us use e-mail with our pen pals. Albert Murphy
has already written back and forth with his pen
pal a bunch of times, and it’s costing them a lot
of money in stamps.
Dear Gregory,
I am very privileged
to make your acquaintance.
Mamadou
Dear Mamadou,
I'm pretty sure "aquaintance"
doesn't have a "c" in it.
I really think you need to work
on your English.
Sincerely, Greg
Dear Jacques
How old are you?
Dear Albert,
12.
Dear Jacques
oh.
Cost: $14
113
Friday
Tonight, Rowley’s parents went out to dinner,
so they got him a babysitter.
I don’t know why Rowley can’t just watch himself
for a few hours, but believe me I’m not complaining.
Rowley’s babysitter is Heather Hills, and she’s the
prettiest girl at Crossland High School.
So whenever the Jeffersons go out, I always make
sure to be up at Rowley’s for “story time.”
I went up to Rowley’s at about 8:00 tonight. I
even splashed on some of Rodrick’s cologne to make
sure I made a good impression on Heather.
Can you
scooch
over a
little
bit?
sorry...there's
really not
enough room.
114
I knocked on the door and waited for Heather
to answer. But I was caught a little off guard
when Rowley’s next-door neighbor Leland
answered instead.
I can’t believe Rowley’s parents switched
babysitters from Heather to leland. They
should’ve at least checked with me before doing
something stupid like that.
Once I realized Heather wasn’t there, I turned
around to go back home. But Rowley asked me if
I wanted to hang out and play Magick and
Monsters with him and Leland.
Hello!
Scream!
115
The only reason I said “yes” was because I
thought it was some kind of video game. But
then I found out that you play it with pencils
and paper and these special dice, and that you’re
supposed to use your “imagination” or whatever.
It actually turned out to be pretty fun, mostly
because in Magick and Monsters you can do all
sorts of stuff you could never do in real life.
When I got home, I told Mom all about Magick
and Monsters and how Leland was a really awesome
Dungeon Keeper. Rodrick overheard me talking
biggest nerd at his high school.
I light Rowley's
eyebrows with
a torch.
Ouuuchhh
116
But this is coming from a guy who spends his
Saturday nights putting fake throw-up on people’s
cars in the Home Depot parking lot. So I think
I’ ll just take Rodrick’s opinion with a grain of salt.
Wednesday
I’ve been going up to Leland’s house every day
after school to play Magick and Monsters. I was
headed up there again today when Mom stopped
me at the door.
Mom has been acting real suspicious of this whole
Magick and Monsters thing.
What the
heck?
har har har!
117
And from the questions she’s been asking me, I
guess she must think Leland is teaching me and
Rowley witchcraft or something. So today,
Mom said she wanted to go with me to
Leland’s to watch us play.
I begged Mom not to come, because first of
all I knew she would never approve of all the
violence in the game.
And second of all, I knew that having her in
the room would totally ruin the whole experience
for everyone.
118
When I begged Mom not to join us, it made her
even more suspicious. So now there was no
changing her mind.
Rowley and Leland couldn’t have cared less that
Mom came with me. But I couldn’t enjoy myself,
because I felt like a total dork playing in
front of her.
I figured Mom would eventually get bored and
just go home, but she stuck around. And right
when I thought she was finally gonna leave,
Mom said that she wanted to join in the game.
So Leland started setting up a character for
Mom, even though I was trying to signal to him
that it was a big mistake.
Uh ... my wizard
Talroc utters the
spell of Talrune.
119
When Leland created a character for Mom, Mom
told Leland she wanted her character to be my
character’s mother in the game.
I did some quick thinking and told Mom that all
the characters in Magick and Monsters are orphans,
so she couldn’t be my mother.
And Mom believed me. But then she asked Leland
if she could name her character “Mom,” and he
said “yes.”
I have to give Mom credit for figuring out that
loophole,
but it totally ruined the rest of the
game for me.
I hand a
turkey
leg to...
"Mom."
Thank you,
sweetie!
120
Even though Mom wasn’t technically my mother in
the game, she sure acted like she was.
At this one point, our characters were hanging out
in a tavern waiting for a spy to arrive, and my
dwarf, Grimlon, ordered a pint of mead. Mead is
sort of like beer in Magick and Monsters, and I
guess Mom didn’t approve of that.
The worst part of the game was when we got
into a battle situation. See, the whole point of
Magick and Monsters is that you’re supposed to
kill as many monsters as possible so you can get
points and move up in levels.
Mom accidentally
bumps Grimlon's
arm and spills
his drink.
121
But I don’t really think Mom got that concept.
After about an hour of things going like this, I
decided to quit. So I gathered up my stuff, and
me and Mom headed home.