I had already drilled Rowley on what to do if
we ever got busted, and that if we both just
denied everything, we’d be ok.
73
But the second Mom started asking Rowley
questions, he broke down.
So after our visit to Rowley’s house, Mom drove
me over to Chirag’s to apologize. And let me tell
you, that wasn’t a whole lot of fun.
Mr. Gupta didn’t seem too impressed with my
apology, but believe it or not, Chirag was actually
pretty cool about it.
74
After I apologized, Chirag invited me inside to
play video games. I think he was so relieved to
finally have one of his classmates talking to him
again that he just decided to forgive me for the
whole incident.
So I guess I forgive him, too.
Tuesday
Even though Chirag let me off the hook last
night, Mom wasn’t done with me yet.
She wasn’t really that mad about the joke or how
I treated Chirag. She was just mad that I
lied about it.
So Mom told me she’ll ground me for a month
if she catches me lying again.
75
And that means I better watch my step,
because Mom’s not gonna forget what she said.
When it comes to my screwups, Mom has a memory
like an elephant.
Last year Mom caught me lying, and I paid the
price for it.
Mom made a gingerbread house a week before
Christmas, and she put it on top of the
refrigerator. She said nobody was allowed to
touch it until Christmas Eve dinner.
That's the second
time you tracked
mud into the
kitchen!
first time: six years ago
76
But I couldn’t help myself. So every night, I’d
sneak downstairs and pick off a little piece of the
gingerbread house. I tried to only eat a tiny
piece each time so Mom wouldn’t notice.
It was really hard to limit myself to one gumdrop
or one little crumb of gingerbread each night, but
I managed to do it anyway.
77
I didn’t know how much I had actually eaten until
Mom took it down off the fridge on Christmas Eve.
When Mom accused me of eating all the candy, I
denied it. But I wish I just fessed up right away,
because that fib totally backfired on me.
Mom had just gotten hired to write a parenting
column for the local newspaper, and she was always
looking for material. So that incident pretty much
made me into a local celebrity.
When your child
is being deceptive
The weeks leading up to Christmas
can be a source of stress for a child
and can harbor unforeseen temp-
tations. My son Gregory found that
78
You know, now that I think about it, Mom isn’t
exactly squeaky clean when it comes to being
honest herself.
I remember when I was a kid, and she found out
I wasn’t brushing my teeth every night. She faked
a call to the dentist’s office. And that call is the
reason why I still brush my teeth four times a day.
Friday
Well, it’s been three days and I’ve kept my promise
to Mom. I’ve been 100% honest the whole time,
and believe it or not, it’s not that hard.
Dr. Kratz, do you have
dentures for little
boys? Oh, only wooden
ones? I guess that will
have to do, then.
79
In fact, it’s kind of liberating. I’ve been in a
couple of situations already where I was a lot
more honest than I would have been a week ago.
For example, the other day I had a conversation
with this neighborhood kid named Shawn Snella.
When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a
professional
basketball
player!
Think again, Shawn!
Neither one of your
parents is taller
than five-foot-two,
and you're the only
200-pound six-year-
old I know!
Waaah!
I cannot
tell a lie.
80
And yesterday, Rowley’s family had a birthday
party for his grandfather.
Most people don’t seem to appreciate a person as
honest as me. So don’t ask me how George
Washington ever got to be president.
Next year,
I want a
chocolate
cake!
That is if
you're
alive
next year!
Hey, I'm just
trying to be
realistic!
81
Saturday
Today I answered the phone, and it was Mrs.
Gillman from the pta, looking for Mom. I tried
to hand her the phone, but she whispered for me
to tell Mrs. Gillman that she wasn’t home.
I couldn’t tell if Mom was trying to trick me
into lying or what, but there was no way I
was going to break my honesty streak over
something as dumb as this.
So I made Mom go out on the front porch before
I said a word to Mrs. Gillman.
My mother is
not inside
the house
right now.
82
And from the look Mom gave me when she came back
in the house, I kind of get the feeling she’s not
gonna hold me to that honesty pledge anymore.
Monday
Today was Career Day at school. They have
Career Day every year to get us kids to start
thinking about our future.
They brought in a bunch of adults who had all
these different jobs. I think the idea is that us
kids will find out about a job we like, and then
we’ ll know what we want to be when we grow up.
But what really happens is that you just
find out which jobs to rule out.
And that's
why I love
being an
electrical
engineer!
electrical
engineer
formulate concept
of operations
write plans and
procedures
integrate plans
and procedures
83
After the presentations, we had to fill out
these questionnaires. The first question was,
“Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?”
I know exactly where I’ll be in fifteen years:
in my pool, at my mansion, counting my money. But
there weren’t any check boxes for that option.
The questionnaires are supposed to predict what
kind of job you’re going to have when you grow
up. When I was finished, I looked up my job on
the chart, and I got “Clerk.”
Well, there must be something wrong with the way
they set these forms up or something, because I
don’t know any clerks who are billionaires.
84
Some other kids were unhappy with th
e jobs
they ended up with, too. But the teacher said
we shouldn’t take these things too seriously.
Well, try telling that to Edward Mealey. Last
year, he got “Sanitation Worker” on his job
chart, and the teachers have been treating him
different ever since.
Rowley got “Nurse” on his job chart, and he
seemed pretty happy about it. A couple of girls
got Nurse, too, and they were chatting away
with Rowley after class.
Edward, could
you please
clean up this
juice spill?
scoot
scoot
85
Next year I have to remember to sit next to
Rowley and copy his job form so I can get in on
some of that action.
Saturday
Me and Rodrick were just sitting around the
house today, so Mom sent us over to Gramma’s to
rake her leaves.
Mom said she’d pay us $100 in Mom Bucks for
each bag we filled. Plus, Gramma said she’d give us
hot chocolate after we were finished.
I really didn’t feel like working on a Saturday,
but I needed the cash. Besides, Gramma makes
really awesome hot chocolate. So we got some
rakes and plastic bags from our garage and
headed down to Gramma’s house.
86
I took one side of the yard, and Rodrick took
the other. But ten minutes into the job,
Rodrick came over and told me I was doing
everything all wrong.
Rodrick said I was putting way too many leaves
in each bag, and that if I just tied the bag closer
to the bottom, I could get done a lot quicker.
No, no
no!
87
See, now this is the kind of advice you’re
supposed to get from your older brother.
After Rodrick showed me that trick, we went
through bags like nobody’s business. In fact, we
ran out in half an hour.
Gramma didn’t seem too happy about forking over
the hot chocolate when we came inside. But like
they say, a deal’s a deal.
Monday
Ever since Career Day, Rowley has been spending
lunch with a bunch of girls who sit at the corner
table in the cafeteria. I guess the group of them
is like the Future Nurses of America or something.
Ahhhh!
88
Don’t ask me what they talk about over there.
They just whisper and giggle like a bunch of
first-graders.
All I can say is, they better not be talking
about me.
You remember how I said Rodrick is the only one
who knows about that really embarrassing thing
that happened to me over the summer? Well,
Rowley knows the second most embarrassing
thing that ever happened to me, and I really
don’t need him digging it back up.
Back in fifth grade, we had a project in Spanish
where we had to do a skit in front of the class,
and my partner was Rowley.
Psst psst
psst!
Hee hee
hee!
89
We had to do the whole skit in Spanish. Rowley
asked me what I would do for a candy bar, and
I said I’d stand on my head.
But when I tried to do a headstand, I tipped
over, and my rear end went right through the wall.
Well, the school never bothered to fix the hole, so
for the rest of my time in elementary school, my
butt-print was on display in Mrs. Gonzales’s room.
And if Rowley’s spreading that story around,
believe me I’m gonna tell the whole world who ate
the Cheese.
Estario
parado
en mi
ay-ay-ay!
90
Wednesday
Today I realized that if I wanted to know what
Rowley and those girls are talking about at lunch,
all I have to do is read his diary. I’ll bet he’s
writing down all sorts of juicy gossip in that thing.
The problem is, Rowley’s diary is locked. So even
if I got ahold of it, I wouldn’t have any way to
open it. But then I thought of something. All I
had to do was buy the same exact diary he has,
and then I’d have a key.
So I went to the bookstore tonight and got
the last one on the shelf. I just hope buying
in half of my Mom Bucks to pay for it. And I
don’t think Dad was too thrilled with the idea of
me buying a Sweet Secrets Diary, either.
91
Thursday
After Phys Ed today, I saw that Rowley
accidentally left his diary on the bench. So when
the coast was clear, I used my new key on his
diary, and sure enough, it worked.
I opened it up and started reading.
Dear Diary,
Today I played with
my Dinoblazer action
figures again. It was
Mecharex vs. Triceraclops
and Mecharex bited Tri-
ceraclops in the tail.
Ow!
Darn.
92
I flipped through the rest of the book to see if
my name was in there anywhere, but it was just
page after page of this garbage.
After seeing what’s going on in Rowley’s head,
I’m kind of starting to wonder why I’m even
friends with him in the first place.
Saturday
Things at home have been really good for about a
week. Rodrick has the flu, so he doesn’t have
the energy to bother me. And Manny has been
at Gramma’s, so I’ve had the TV all to myself.
And then Triceraclops
turned around and
said oh yeah well how
do you like that and
he shot Mecharex right
in the heinie.
Ow
no
fair.
93
Yesterday, Mom and Dad made a surprise
announcement. They said they were going away
for the night, and that me and Rodrick were in
charge of the house.
That was some pretty big news, because Mom and
Dad have never left me and Rodrick on our
own before.
I think they’ve always been afraid that if they
go away, Rodrick is gonna have a huge party
and trash the house.
But with Rodrick knocked out with the flu, they
must’ve seen their big chance. So after Mom gave
us a speech about “responsibility” and “trust” and
all that, they took off.
94
The second Mom and Dad walked out the
door, Rodrick jumped up off of the couch and
picked up the phone. Then he called every friend
he knew and told them he was having a party.
I thought about calling Mom and Dad to tell
them what Rodrick was up to, but I’ve never
actually been to a high school party before, so
I was curious. I decided to just keep my mouth
shut and soak it all in.
Rodrick told me to get some folding tables out
of
the basement and bring a couple of bags of ice out
of the downstairs freezer. Rodrick’s friends started
to show up around 7:00, and before you knew it,
there were cars parked up and down the street.
95
The first person to walk through the door was
Rodrick’s friend Ward. A bunch more people
started showing up after that, and Rodrick told
me we were gonna need more tables. So I went
downstairs to get them.
But as soon as I stepped foot in the basement,
I heard the door lock behind me.
I pounded on the door, but Rodrick just
cranked up the music to drown me out. So I was
stuck down there.
Man, I should’ve known Rodrick would go and
pull something like that.
click
96
I guess it was pretty dumb of me to think
Rodrick was gonna let me in on the action.
It sounded like it was a pretty wild party. I
think some girls even showed up at one
point, but I couldn’t be too sure, because it was
hard to keep track of what was going on from
just looking at the bottoms of people’s shoes.
The party was still going strong at 2:00 a.m.,