You run into a
pack of orcs...
and they look
hungry!
We give them
all of our
food!
122
On the way back, Mom was really talking up
Magick and Monsters, saying how it could help me
with my “math skills” and stuff like that. All I
can say is, I hope she isn’t planning on becoming
a regular at these games. Because the first
chance I get, “Mom” is getting handed over to
a pack of Orcs.
Thursday
After school today, Mom took me to the bookstore
and bought just about every Magick and Monsters
book on the shelf. She must’ve dropped about
$200, and she didn’t even make me cash in a
single Mom Buck.
I realized maybe I judged Mom a little too quick,
and maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing having her
in our group after all.
123
I was all set to take my new books up to Leland’s,
but that’s when I found out there was a catch.
Mom actually bought all those books so me and
Rodrick could play Magick and Monsters
together. She said it was a good way for the
two of us to work out our differences.
Mom told Rodrick she wanted him to be the
Dungeon Keeper, just like Leland. Then she
dumped the pile of books on Rodrick’s bed and
told him to start studying up.
It was bad enough playing in front of Mom at
Leland’s house, but I knew playing with Rodrick
would be about ten times worse.
124
Mom was serious about me and Rodrick playing
together, so I knew I was gonna have to go
through with it. I spent about an hour up in my
room making up characters with names Rodrick
couldn’t make fun of, like “Joe” and “Bob.”
Once I was finished, I met Rodrick in the
kitchen, and we started our game.
I guess I should be grateful that it was over
with quickly. And I just hope Mom saved her
receipts on those books.
You and your group of
nerds fall into a pit and
it's full of dynamite and
you blow up. The end.
125
Friday
The teachers have really been cracking down on
kids copying off of each other this year.
Remember how I said I was glad I got put
next to Alex Aruda in Pre-Algebra? Well, that
hasn’t done me any good.
Mrs. Lee is my Pre-Algebra teacher, and I’m
guessing she also had Rodrick when he was in middle
school. Because that woman watches me like a hawk.
Sometimes I think it would be really cool if I
had a glass eye or something like that. First of
all, I could use it to play all sorts of wacky
tricks on my friends.
But the main thing I’d use it for is to help me
get better grades.
here,
catch!
Ok! What
is it?
126
On the first day of school, I’d aim my glass eye
down like this:
Then I’d go up to the teacher and say, “Listen, I
just wanted to tell you I have a glass eye. So don’t
go thinking I’m looking at other people’s papers.”
Then, during a test, I’d aim my glass eye down
at my own paper, and I’d look at some brainy
kid’s paper with my real eye.
glass
eye
real
eye
Okee doke.
Thanks for
letting
me know.
127
I could copy away! And the teacher would be
too dumb to notice.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a glass eye. So if
Mom asks me why I flunked my pop quiz in
Pre-Algebra today, that’s my excuse.
Sunday
Rodrick has been hitting Mom and Dad up for
cash lately, so I guess the Mom Bucks program
make Rodrick do more chores to earn some money,
but that hasn’t been going too well.
That poor
glass eye
kid.
Is this
how you
do it?
You need
to be using
a clean
rag, son!
128
But tonight, Mom figured out a way Rodrick
could earn some cash. My school sent home a
newsletter saying that Music Education has been
cancelled because of budget cuts, so parents
should get their kids private music lessons.
Mom told Rodrick he could give me private drum
lessons, and that she would pay him for it.
I think Mom came up with the idea because
lately Rodrick’s been telling everyone he’s a
“professional drummer.”
There’s this local show called the “Community
Follies” where all the neighborhood parents do a
bunch of comedy skits, and it’s been running in our
local theater for about two weeks.
129
The other night, the regular drummer got sick,
so Rodrick filled in, and he got paid five bucks.
I don’t know if that really makes Rodrick a
“professional drummer,” but that didn’t stop me
from using it to score points with the girls at school.
Corny joke,
corny joke
yuk yuk
yuk!
ba-dum
crash
My brother's a
professional
drummer!
130
When Mom told Rodrick he should start giving
me drum lessons, he wasn’t too hot on the idea.
But then Mom said she’d pay him ten dollars a
lesson, and that I could get a bunch of my
friends to sign up, too.
So now I’ve gotta recruit some people for
Rodrick’s Drum Academy. And I can already
tell, this isn’t gonna be a lot of fun.
Monday
I couldn’t get any of my friends to sign up for
Rodrick’s drum school except Rowley, and I kind
of had to trick him into doing it. Rowley is
always saying he wants to learn how to play the
drums, but he wants to play the kind they use
in marching bands.
crash
131
I told Rowley I knew for a fact that
Rodrick was going to cover all that stuff in week
four, and that got Rowley pretty excited.
I was just glad I wasn’t gonna have to take
drum lessons all by myself.
Rowley came over after school, and we went down
to the basement to start our first lesson. Rodrick
started us off with some pretty basic drum drills.
There was only one practice pad and two drum-
sticks, so Rowley had to use a paper plate and
some plastic utensils. But I guess that’s what
happens when you’re the last person to sign up
for a class.
tappity
tap
tap
doink
132
After about fifteen minute
s, Rodrick got a call from
Ward, and that put an end to our first lesson.
Mom wasn’t too happy to see me and Rowley
upstairs so soon, and she sent us back down to
the basement. She said not to come up until
Rodrick had at least given us a practice assignment.
So he did.
Class is
dismissed
early today.
Your homework
is to listen to
some music with
drums in it.
133
Tuesday
Me and Rowley had drum lessons with Rodrick
again today.
Well, Rodrick might be a good drummer, but he’s
not a good teacher. Me and Rowley tried our best
to do the drills Rodrick taught us, but every time
we messed up, Rodrick would get frustrated.
Eventually, he got so fed up that he took our
drumsticks away. Rodrick sat down at his drum
set and told us to “watch and learn.” Then he
started doing this really long drum solo that
didn’t have anything to do with the drills he
was teaching us.
Wrong
wrong
wrong!
oops.
tip
tappity
doink
134
Rodrick didn’t even look up from his drum set
when me and Rowley left and went upstairs.
I’m not complaining, though. Because the way I
see it, this way everyone wins.
Thursday
We’ve got a History paper due the day before
Thanksgiving, and I’d better start getting serious
about it.
crash
smash
ba-
dum
thump
bidi
bum
bop
whomp
ba-dum bum
crash bam
135
The teachers are getting a lot stricter about the
quality of work we turn in, and the way I usually
do things isn’t working so good anymore.
Last week we had a paper due in Science, and
Mrs. Breckman said we had to choose an animal
to write about. So I picked the moose. I know
I should have gone to the library and done
research, but I just decided to wing it.
The Amazing Moose
by Greg Heffley
Diet:
The moose eats many, many things, but
the list would be way too long to put in
this paper. So I will save us all some
time by just listing the things that the
moose does NOT eat.
BUBBLE GUM
METAL PIZZA
your
pizza, sir.
No, really...
I couldn't.
Even though there are moose habitats set up all
over the place, the moose is almost extinct.
Everybody knows the moose evolved from birds,
just like people did. But somewhere along the
line people got arms, and the moose got stuck
with those useless horns.
the end
But we smell a
heck of a lot
better than
antelopes.
I said
extinct!
oh.
yay!
rats.
I actually thought I did a pretty good job. But
I guess Mrs. Breckman must be an expert on
mooses or something, because she made me go to
the library and start the paper over from scratch.
And my next paper isn’t gonna be any easier.
I have to write a poem about the 1900s for
Mr. Huff’s class, and I don’t know the first
thing about History or poetry. So I guess I’d
better start hitting the books.
Monday
I was up at Rowley’s playing board games
yesterday, and the craziest thing happened.
When Rowley was in the bathroom, I noticed
that there was some play money sticking out of
the box of one of the other games.
138
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Because the play
money inside that game was the exact same
kind of money Mom uses for Mom Bucks.
When I counted it up, there was something like
$100,000 in cash in that box.
It only took me about two seconds to figure out
what to do next.
When I got home, I ran upstairs and stuffed
the money under my mattress. I tossed and
turned all night trying to figure out what to do
with my new Mom Bucks.
What
should we
play now?
Gotta
go!
139
I realized Mom would probably have some way of
knowing the difference between phony Mom Bucks
and the real thing. So this morning, I decided
to try a little experiment.
I asked Mom if I could cash in some Mom Bucks
so I could buy stamps to write my pen pal. I
was really nervous when I handed Mom the money.
But she took it without even blinking.
I can’t believe my luck! I figure I can make
this $100,000 last all the way through high
school, and maybe even farther. I might not
even have to get a real job later on.
The trick will be to not cash in too much at one
time, or Mom will know something’s up.
140
And I have to remember to earn a few Mom
Bucks for real here and there so she doesn’t get
too suspicious.
I will say one thing for sure, though, and it’s
that I won’t be using the money Mom gave me
to buy stamps.
I got a picture from my pen-pal, Mamadou, in
the mail yesterday, and that pretty much killed
any chance of me writing him back.
super
cool
141
Tuesday
My big History paper is due tomorrow, but
they’ve been saying all week that it’s gonna snow
about a foot tonight.
So I haven’t really been sweating it all that much.
At around 10:00, I peeked out the window to
see how many inches of snow were on the ground
so far. But I couldn’t believe my eyes when I
pulled back the curtain.
Man, I was counting on school being cancelled
tomorrow. I turned on the news to see what
happened, but the weather guy was telling a
totally different story than he was three
hours ago.
That meant I had to get cracking on my
History paper. The problem was, it was too late
to go to the library, and we don’t have any
books in our house that are about the 1900s.
So I knew I had to think of something quick.
Then I had a great idea.
We really
dodged a
bullet this
time, Bob!
You can say
that again,
Barbara!
Ha ha ha!
143
Dad has bailed Rodrick out a million times
on his school papers. So I figured he could help
me, too.
I told Dad about my situation, thinking he’d
jump right in and help. But I guess Dad has
learned his
lesson in that department.
Rodrick must have overheard me talking to Dad,
because he told me I should follow him downstairs.
You know how Rodrick had Mr. Huff, my History
teacher, in middle school? Well, it turns out Mr.
Huff gave Rodrick’s class the exact same
assignment when he was in my grade.
Good luck
with that!
144
Rodrick dug around in his junk drawer and found
his old paper. And then he told me he’d sell it
to me for five bucks.
I told him there was no way I’d do that.
I’ll admit, it was pretty tempting. Because
number one, since all of Rodrick’s assignments
have gone through Dad, I knew Rodrick got a
good grade on his paper. And number two, it
was in one of those clear plastic binders that
teachers go crazy for.
Plus, I had a huge stash of Mom Bucks under
my mattress upstairs, and I knew I could pay
Rodrick with that.
145
But I couldn’t do it. I mean, I’ve copied off
of people’s papers on quizzes and stuff before,
but buying a paper off of someone would be
taking it to a whole nother level.