again?
48
After a couple of hours, Dad finally cracked.
Dad waited for Mom to go to bed, and then he
typed Rodrick's whole paper for him. So I
guess this means Rodrick’s system is safe, at
least for now.
I have a book report due tomorrow, but I’m
really not sweating it.
I found the secret to doing book reports a long
time ago. I’ve been milking the same book for the
past five years: “Sherlock Sammy Does It Again.”
type
type
type
49
There are about twenty short stories in
“Sherlock Sammy Does It Again,” but I just
treat each story like it's a whole book, and the
teacher never notices.
These Sherlock Sammy stories are all the same.
Some grown-up commits a crime, and then
Sherlock Sammy figures it out and makes the
person look stupid.
I'm kind of an expert at writing book reports
by now. All you have to do is write exactly what
the teacher wants to hear, and you’re all set.
Your first mistake,
Mr. Beasley, was
when you forgot to
convert celsius to
fahrenheit!
geek!
50
Man, Sherlock Sammy is
so smart, and I'll bet that's
cause he reads so many
books.
I'll
bet
you're
right!
There were a bunch of
hard words in this book,
but I looked them up in
the dictionary so now I
know what they mean.
I guess
you're a
bit of a
"sleuth"
yourself!
51
october
Monday
There was a kid named Chirag Gupta who was
one of my friends last year, but he moved away in
June. His family had a big going-away party, and
the whole neighborhood came. But I guess Chirag’s
family must have changed their mind, because today
Chirag was back in school.
Everyone was happy to see Chirag again, but a
couple of us decided to have a little fun with him
before officially welcoming him back.
So we basically pretended he was still gone.
Boy, I sure
do miss
Chirag.
yeah...I
wonder
how he's
doing?
Hey, guys!
I'm right
here!
52
I have to admit, it was pretty funny.
At lunch, Chirag sat next to me. I had an
extra chocolate-chip cookie in my lunch bag, and
I made a big deal about it.
Did you
just hear
something?
Nope...
must have
been the
wind!
I wish Chirag was
here. Oh, how he
loved chocolate-
chip cookies.
But I'm sitting
right next
to you!
I'm not
even that
hungry
53
OK, so maybe that one was a little cruel.
I guess we’ll probably let Chirag off the hook
tomorrow. But then again, this Invisible Chirag
thing could turn into the next “P.U.”
Tuesday
OK, so the Invisible Chirag joke is still going,
and the whole class is in on it now. I don't
want to get too far ahead of myself or anything,
but I think I might have Class Clown in the
bag for dreaming this one up.
In Science, the teacher asked me to count the
number of kids in the classroom so she'd know
how many pairs of safety goggles to get out of
the closet.
Gobble gobble
smack smack
54
So I made a big show of counting everyone in
the room except Chirag.
Well, that really set Chirag off. He got up
and started yelling, and it was really hard to
stare straight ahead and act like he wasn't there.
...33...34!
There are 34
people in
this class.
I ... am ... a...
human...
being ... too!
55
I wanted to tell him that we never said he wasn't
a human being, it’s just that he’s an invisible
human being. But I managed to keep my mouth shut.
Before you go and say I’m a bad friend for teasing
Chirag, let me just say this in my own defense:
I’m smaller than about 95% of the kids at my
school, so when it comes to finding someone I can
actually pick on, my options are pretty limited.
And besides, I’m not 100% to blame for dreaming
up this idea. Believe it or not, I got the idea
from Mom. This one time when I was a kid, I
was playing under the kitchen table, and Mom
came looking for me.
Has anyone
seen Gregory?
56
I don’t know what made me do it, but I decided
to play a joke on Mom and stay hidden.
Mom went all around the house calling my name.
I think she must have finally seen me under the
kitchen table, but she still pretended she didn't
know where I was.
I thought it was pretty funny, and I probably
would’ve stayed hidden under there for a little
while more. But Mom finally got me to crack when
she said she was gonna give my gum-ball machine
to Rodrick.
Poor Gregory, all
alone in the snow.
oh, boo hoo hoo.
57
So if you want to point fingers on the Invisible
Chirag joke, now you know who’s really to blame.
Thursday
Well, yesterday, Chirag pretty much gave up on
trying to get anyone in our class to talk to him.
But today he found our weakness.
Rowley,
do you
think I
exist?
Nope! I
can't even
hear you
or see you!
58
I forgot all about Rowley. When the joke
first started up, I made sure to keep him away
from Chirag, because I had a feeling Rowley
would blow the joke.
But I guess I kind of got too cocky and let my
guard down.
Chirag started working on Rowley at lunch, and he
came really close to getting him to crack.
I could tell Rowley was about to say something,
so I had to act quick. I told everyone there
was a floating corn dog hovering above our lunch
table, and then I plucked it out of the air and
ate it in two bites.
If you say I
exist, this
corn dog is
yours!
59
So thanks to my quick thinking, we were able to
keep the joke going.
But that really made Chirag mad. He started
punching my arm, but of course I had to pretend
like I didn't notice.
And let me tell you, that wasn't easy to do.
(gobble, smack.)
Not as good as
the regular
kind, though.
Is there a flea breathing
on me? Because it feels
like a tiny little flea is
breathing on me.
punch
punch
60
Friday
Well, I guess Chirag must have complained to a
teacher about my little joke, because today I got
called down to the front office.
When I got to Vice Principal Roy's room, he was
pretty mad. He knew all about how I started the
joke, and he gave me a speech about “respect”
and “decency” and all that.
But luckily, Mr. Roy got one crucial fact wrong,
and that was the identity of the person we
were playing the joke on. So that made the
apology part a whole lot easier.
I am deeply sorry,
and now I do
indeed admit that
you exist, Sharif.
61
Mr. Roy seemed pretty satisfied with my apology,
and he let me go without even tacking on any
detention.
I've always heard that when Mr. Roy is done
chewing a kid out, he sends them off with a pat
on the back and a lollipop. And now I can tell
you firsthand that it's true.
Saturday
Rowley's birthday party is tomorrow, so Mom
took me to the mall to get him a gift. I picked
out this cool video game that just came out, and I
handed it to Mom so she could pay for it. But Mom
said I had to buy it with my own money.
lick
62
I told Mom that first of all, I have zero money.
And second of all, if I did have any money, I
wouldn’t be wasting it on Rowley.
Mom didn’t seem too happy with what I said,
but it’s not my fault I’m broke. I actually had
a job this summer, but the people I worked for
stiffed me, so I didn’t earn a single penny.
We have these neighbors named the Fullers who
live a few doors up, and they go away on vacation
every summer.
They usually leave their dog, Princess, in the
kennel, but this year, they told me they'd pay me
five bucks a day to feed Princess and take her
out. I figured I’d earn enough to buy a whole
pile of video games with that kind of money.
63
But I guess Princess is gun-shy about going to
the bathroom in front of strangers, so I
ended up spending a lot of time standing
around in the hot sun waiting for this dumb dog
to hurry up and go.
I'd wait and wait and nothing would happen,
and then I'd just take Princess back inside.
But every time I’d leave, Princess would make a
big mess in the foyer, and I’d have to clean it up
the next day. Toward the end of the summer I
got smart and realized it would be a whole lot
easier to just clean up all of Princess's messes at
once instead of doing it every single day.
Come
on!
64
So I fed her and let her do her business on the
foyer floor for about two weeks.
Then, the day before the Fullers were due back,
I headed up the hill with all my cleaning supplies.
But guess what? The Fullers cut their trip short
and got home a day early.
I guess they didn’t know it’s polite to call ahead
and let people know when your plans have changed.
65
Tonight, Mom called a house meeting with me and
Rodrick. She said that the two of us are always
complaining that we don’t have any money, so she
came up with a way for us to earn some cash.
Then she pulled out some play money she must've
dug up out of a board game, and she called the
money “Mom Bucks.” Mom said we could earn Mom
Bucks by doing chores and good deeds and stuff
like that, and we could trade them in for
real money.
Mom handed us $1,000 each to get us started.
I thought I had struck it rich. But then she
explained that each Mom Buck was only worth a
penny of real money.
and if we were patient, we could buy something we
really wanted.
66
But Rodrick cashed in his whole stash before Mom
was even done talking.
Then he went down to the convenience store and
blew his money on some heavy-metal magazines.
If Rodrick wants to waste his money like that,
he can go right ahead. But I'm gonna be smart
with my Mom Bucks.
Sunday
Today was Rowley’s birthday party, and he had it
at the mall. I’m sure I would have thought it was
a lot of fun if I was about seven years old.
67
That was the average age of the kids at Rowley’s
party. Rowley invited his whole karate team, and
most of those kids are still in elementary school. I
just wish I would have known what the party
was gonna be like so I could have skipped it.
We started off playing these dopey party
games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey and
stuff like that. The last game we played was
Hide-and-Seek.
My plan was to just hide in the ball pit and stay
there until the party was over. But some
other kid was already in there.
It turned out this kid wasn't from Rowley's
party. He was from the last birthday party
that happened an hour earlier.
68
I guess he must have hid in there during Hide-and-
Seek, and nobody ever found him.
So Rowley’s party had to be put on hold while
the staff tried to track down this kid’s parents.
After that situation got cleared up, we had cake
and watched Rowley open his gifts. He mostly
got a bunch of kids’ toys, but he seemed pretty
happy about it.
YAAAY!
69
Then Rowley's parents gave him their present.
And guess what? It was a diary.
It kind of ticked me off, because I knew
Rowley asked his parents for a diary so he could
be just like me. After Rowley opened his present
he said:
I let him know exactly what I thought of that
idea by slugging him in the arm. And I really
don’t care that it was his birthday, either.
We can call
ourselves the
"diary twins"!
Owww...
rub
rub
70
One thing I will say, though. I used to be mad
at Mom for getting me a journal that looked too
girly. But after seeing Rowley’s diary, I’m not
so mad anymore.
Lately, Rowley has been totally riding me.
He reads the same comic books I read, drinks
the same kind of soda I drink, you name it.
Mom says I should be “flattered,�
�� but to be
honest with you, it’s totally creeping me out.
A couple days ago, I did an experiment to see
just how far Rowley would go.
sweet
secrets
diary
71
I rolled up one of my pant legs and tied a bandanna
around my ankle and went to school that way.
Sure enough, the next day Rowley came to school
wearing the same exact thing.
And that's how I ended up in Vice Principal
Roy's office for the second time in a week.
Monday
I thought I was totally in the clear for the
Invisible Chirag thing. But, boy, was I wrong.
There are some
thugs outside my
house sporting
"gang colors."
72
Tonight, Mom got a call from Chirag's dad.
Mr. Gupta told Mom all about the prank we
were playing on his son, and how I was the
ringleader.
When Mom questioned me, I told her I didn’t
even know what Chirag’s dad was talking about.
Then Mom marched me up to Rowley's house to
hear what he had to say.
Luckily, I was prepared for this kind of thing.