a wrestling unit.
But I decided if I don’t want to get twisted
into a pretzel for the next month and a half, I’d
better do my homework on this wrestling business.
77
So I rented a couple of video games to learn
some moves. And you know what? After a while,
I was really starting to get the hang of it.
does this
feel right?
yes! no!
help!
In fact, the other kids in my class had better
look out, because if I keep this up, I could be a
real threat.
78
Then again, I better make sure I don’t do
too good. This kid named Preston Mudd got
named Athlete of the Month for being the best
player in the basketball unit, so they put his
picture up in the hallway.
P.Mudd
Athlete of the
Month
It took people about five seconds to realize how
“P. Mudd” sounded when you said it out loud,
and after that, it was all over for Preston.
pee
mud!
pee
mud!
79
Thursday
Well, I found out today that the kind of wrestling
Mr. Underwood is teaching is completely
different from the kind they do on tv.
First of all, we have to wear these things called
“singlets,” which look like those bathing suits
they used to wear in the 1800s.
And second of all, there are no pile drivers or
hitting people over the heads with chairs or
anything like that.
There’s not even a ring with ropes around it.
It’s just basically a sweaty mat that smells like
it’s never been washed before.
80
Mr. Underwood started asking for volunteers so
he could demonstrate some wrestling holds, but
there was no way I was going to raise my hand.
Me and Rowley tried to hide out in the back of
the gym near the curtain, but that’s where the
girls were doing their gymnastics unit.
hee hee
hee!
We got out of there in a hurry, and we went
back to where the rest of the guys were.
Mr. Underwood singled me out, probably because
I’m the lightest kid in the class, and he could
toss me around without straining himself. He
showed everybody how to do all these things
called a “half nelson” and a “reversal” and a
“takedown” and stuff like that.
81
When he was doing this one move called the
“fireman’s carry,” I felt a breeze down below,
and I could tell my singlet wasn’t doing a good
job keeping me covered up.
That’s when I thanked my lucky stars the
girls were on the other side of the gym.
Mr. Underwood divided us up into weight groups.
I was pretty happy about that at first,
because it meant I wasn’t going to have to
wrestle kids like Benny Wells, who can bench-press
250 pounds.
82
But then I found out who I DiD have to wrestle,
and I would have traded for Benny Wells in a
heartbeat.
greg, you’ll be
paired up with
fregley here.
Fregley was the only kid light enough to be in my
weight class. And apparently Fregley was paying
attention when Mr. Underwood was giving
instructions, because he pinned me every which way
you could imagine. I spent my seventh period
getting WAy more familiar with Fregley than I
ever wanted to be.
tweet!
83
Tuesday
This wrestling unit has totally turned our school
upside down. Now kids are wrestling in the hallways,
in the classrooms, you name it. But the fifteen
minutes after lunch where they let us outside is
the worst.
You can’t walk five feet without tripping over a
couple of kids going at it. I just try to keep
my distance. And mark my words, one of these
fools is going to roll right onto the Cheese and
start the Cheese Touch all over again.
84
My other big problem is that I have to wrestle
Fregley every single day. But this morning I
realized something. If I can move out of
Fregley’s weight class, I won’t have to wrestle
him anymore.
So today, I stuffed my clothes with a bunch of
socks and shirts to get myself into the next
weight class.
But I was still too light to move up.
I realized I was gonna have to gain weight for
real. At first I thought I should just start
loading up on junk food, but then I had a much
better idea.
85
I decided to gain my weight in muscle, not fat.
I’ve never been all that interested in getting in
shape before, but this wrestling unit has made me
rethink things.
I figure if I bulk up now, it could actually come
in handy down the road.
The football unit is coming in the spring, and
they split the teams up into shirts and skins.
And I AlWAys get put on skins.
I think they do that to make all the out-of-shape
kids feel ashamed of themselves.
unh!
86
If I can pack on some muscle now, it’ll be a
whole different story next April.
Tonight, after dinner, I got Mom and Dad
together and told them my plan. I told them I
was going to need some serious exercise equipment,
and some weight-gain powder, too.
I showed them some muscle magazines I got at
the store so they could see how ripped I was
going to be.
greg heffley,
you’re on
skins.
rrippp
87
Mom didn’t really say anything at first, but Dad
was pretty enthusiastic. I think he was just
glad I had a change of heart from how I used
to be when I was a kid—
if you work
out regularly,
you can get
big muscles!
muscles
are
gross!
But Mom said if I wanted a weight set, I was
going to have to prove that I could stick with
an exercise regimen. She said I could do that by
doing sit-ups and jumping jacks for two weeks.
I had to explain that the only way to get
totally bulked up is to get the kind of high-tech
machines they have at the gym, but Mom didn’t
want to hear it.
88
Then Dad said if I wanted a bench press, I
should keep my fingers crossed for Christmas.
But Christmas is a month and a half away. And
if I get pinned by Fregley one more time, I’m
gonna have a nervous breakdown.
So it looks like Mom and Dad aren’t going to be
any help. And that means I’m going to have to
take matters into my own hands, as usual.
Saturday
I couldn’
t wait to start my weight-training
program today. Even though Mom wouldn’t let
me get the equipment I needed, I wasn’t going
to let that hold me back.
89
So I went into the fridge and emptied out the
milk and orange juice and filled the jugs with
sand. Then I taped them to a broomstick, and
I had myself a pretty decent barbell.
milk
After that, I made a bench press out of an
ironing board and some boxes. Once I had that
all set, I was ready to do some serious lifting.
I needed a spotting partner, so I called
Rowley. And when he showed up at my door
wearing some ridiculous getup, I knew I made
a mistake inviting him.
90
I made Rowley use the bench press first, mostly
because I wanted to see if the broomstick was
going to hold up.
He did about five reps, and he was ready to
quit, but I wouldn’t let him. That’s what a
good training partner is for, to push you
beyond your limits.
I knew Rowley wasn’t going to be as serious
about weight lifting as I was, so I decided to
try out an experiment to test his dedication.
fifteen more!
come on!
In the middle of Rowley’s set, I went and got
this phony nose and mustache Rodrick has in his
junk drawer.
91
And right when Rowley had the barbell in the
“down” position, I leaned over and looked at him.
Sure enough, Rowley totally lost his
concentration. He couldn’t even get the barbell
off his chest. I thought about helping him out,
but then I realized that if Rowley didn’t get
serious about working out, he was never going to
get to my level.
fpoooo!
gasp
sputter
I eventually had to rescue him, because he started
biting the milk jug to let the sand leak out.
92
After Rowley got off the bench press, it was
time for my set. But Rowley said he didn’t feel
like working out anymore, and he went home.
You know, I figured he’d pull something like that.
But I guess you can’t expect everyone to have
the same kind of dedication as you.
Wednesday
Today in Geography we had a quiz, and I have
to say, I’ve been looking forward to this one for
a long time.
The quiz was on state capitals, and I sit in
the back of the room, right next to this giant
map of the United States. All the capitals are
written in big red print, so I knew I had this
one in the bag.
93
But right before the test got started, Patty
Farrell piped up from the front of the room.
teacher!
teacher!
Patty told Mr. Ira that he should cover up the
United States map before we got started.
nice
catch,
patty!
So thanks to Patty, I ended up flunking the
quiz. And I will definitely be looking for a way
to pay her back for that one.
94
Thursday
Tonight Mom came up to my room, and she had a
flyer in her hand. As soon as I saw it, I knew
eXActly what it was.
It was an announcement that the school is having
tryouts for a winter play. Man, I should have
thrown that thing out when I saw it on the
kitchen table.
I BeGGeD her not to make me sign up. Those
school plays are always musicals, and the last
thing I need is to have to sing a solo in front
of the whole school.
But all my begging seemed to do was make Mom
more sure I should do it.
95
Mom said the only way I was going to be
“well-rounded” was by trying different things.
Dad came in my room to see what was going on.
I told Dad that Mom was making me sign up for
the school play, and that if I had to start
going to play practices, it would totally mess up
my weight-lifting schedule.
I knew that would make Dad take my side. Dad
and Mom argued for a few minutes, but Dad was
no match for Mom.
So that means tomorrow I’ve got to audition
for the school play.
Friday
The play they’re doing this year is “The Wizard
of Oz.” A lot of kids came wearing costumes for
the parts they were trying out for.
96
I’ve never even seen the movie, so for me, it
was like walking into a freak show.
Mrs. Norton, the music director, made everyone
sing “My Country ’Tis of Thee” so she could hear
our singing voices. I did my singing tryouts with
a bunch of other boys whose moms made them
come, too. I tried to sing as quietly as possible,
but of course I got singled out, anyway.
what a
lovely
soprano!
97
I have no idea what a “soprano” is, but from
the way some of the girls were giggling, I knew
it wasn’t a good thing.
Tryouts went on forever. The grand finale came
with auditions for Dorothy, who I guess is the
And who should try out first but Patty Farrell.
I thought about trying out for the part of the
Witch, because I heard that in the play, the
Witch does all sorts of mean things to Dorothy.
But then somebody told me there’s a Good Witch
and a Bad Witch, and with my luck, I’d end up
getting picked to be the good one.
Tap
Tap
Tap
Tap
Tap
Tap
98
Monday
I was hoping Mrs. Norton would just cut me from
the play, but today she said that everyone who
tried out is going to get a part. So lucky me.
Mrs. Norton showed “The Wizard of Oz” movie
so everyone would know the story. I was trying
to figure out what part I should play, but
pretty much every character has to sing or dance
at one point or another. But about halfway
through the movie, I figured out what part I
wanted to sign up for. I’m going to sign up to
be a Tree, because 1) they don’t have to sing
and 2) they get to bean Dorothy with apples.
99
Getting to peg Patty Farrell with apples in
front of a live audience would be my dream come
true. I may actually have to thank Mom for
making me do this play once it’s all over.
After the movie ended, I signed up to be a Tree.
Unfortunately, a bunch of other guys had the
same idea as me, so I guess there are a lot of
guys who have a bone to pick with Patty Farrell.
Wednesday
Well, like Mom always says, be careful what you
wish for. I got picked to be a Tree, but I
don’t know if that’s such a good thing. The
Tree costumes don’t actually
have arm holes, so
I guess that rules out any apple-throwing.
100
I should probably feel lucky that I got a
speaking part at all. They had too many kids
trying out, and not enough roles, so they had
to start making up characters.
Rodney James tried out to be the Tin Man, but
he got stuck with being the Shrub.
Friday
Remember how I said I was lucky to get a
speaking part? Well, today I found out I only
have one line in the whole play. I say it when
Dorothy picks an apple off my branch.
ouch.
pluck
101
That means I have to go to a two-hour practice
every day just so I can say one stupid word.
I’m starting to think Rodney James got a better
deal as the Shrub. He found a way to sneak a
video game into his costume, and I’ll bet that
really makes the time go by.
beep
boop
beep
boop
So now I’m trying to think of ways to get Mrs.
Norton to kick me out of the play. But when
you only have one word to say, it’s really hard to
mess up your lines.
owwwchhh?
pluck
102
December
Thursday
The play is only a couple of days away, and I
have no idea how we’re going to pull this thing off.
First of all, nobody has bothered to learn their
lines, and that’s all Mrs. Norton’s fault.
During rehearsal, Mrs. Norton whispers everyone’s
lines to them from the side of the stage.
I’ll get
you, my
pretty!
I get that
you’re pretty!
I wonder how it’s going to go next Tuesday
when Mrs. Norton is sitting at her piano thirty
feet away.
103
Another thing that’s screwing everything up is
that Mrs. Norton keeps adding new scenes and
new characters.
Yesterday, she brought in this first-grader to
play Dorothy’s dog, Toto. But today, the kid’s