There were vampires jumping out at you and people
without heads and all sorts of crazy stuff.
51
But the worst part was this area called Chainsaw
Alley. There was this big guy in a hockey mask
and he had a reAl chainsaw. Rodrick told me
the chainsaw has a rubber blade, but I wasn’t
taking any chances.
Right when it looked like the chainsaw guy
was going to catch us, Mom stepped in and
bailed us out.
that’s
not
nice!
i’m sorry,
ma’am!
52
Mom made the chainsaw guy show us where the
exit was, and that was the end of our haunted
house experience right there. I guess it was a
little embarrassing when Mom did that, but I’m
willing to let it go this one time.
Saturday
The Crossland haunted house really got me thinking.
Those guys were charging five bucks a pop, and
the line stretched halfway around the school.
I decided to make a haunted house of my own.
Actually, I had to bring Rowley in on the deal,
because Mom wouldn’t let me convert our first
floor into a full-out haunted mansion.
I knew Rowley’s dad wouldn’t be crazy about the
idea, either, so we decided to build the haunted
house in his basement and just not mention it to
his parents.
Me and Rowley spent most of the day coming up
with an awesome plan for our haunted house.
53
Here was our final plan:
hall of
screams
lake of
blood
bottom-
less pit
rat tunnel
maze of
1,000
skulls
death
slide
knife
alley
acid
lake
hand
hall
exit
I don’t mean to brag or anything, but what
we came up with was WAy better than the
Crossland High School haunted house.
We realized we were gonna need to get the word
out that we were doing this thing, so we got
some paper and made up a bunch of flyers.
54
I’ll admit maybe we stretched the truth a little
in our advertisement, but we had to make sure
people actually showed up.
haunted
house
ouch.
with live
sharks!
32 surrey street
admission: 50 ¢
3:00p.m.
By the time we finished putting the flyers up
around the neighborhood and got back to
Rowley’s basement, it was already 2:30, and we
hadn’t even started putting the actual haunted
house together yet.
So we had to cut some corners from our
original plan.
55
When 3:00 rolled around, we looked outside to
see if anyone had showed up. And sure enough,
there were about twenty neighborhood kids waiting
in line outside Rowley’s basement.
Now, I know our flyers said admission was fifty
cents, but I could see that we had a chance to
make a killing here.
So I told the kids that admission was two bucks,
and the fifty-cent thing was just a typo.
The first kid to cough up his two bucks was
Shane Snella. He paid his money and we let him
inside, and me and Rowley took our positions in
the Hall of Screams.
56
The Hall of Screams was basically a bed with me
and Rowley on either side of it.
rah!
rah!
I guess maybe we made the Hall of Screams a
little too scary, because halfway through, Shane
curled up in a ball underneath the bed. We tried
to get him to crawl out from under there, but
he wouldn’t budge.
I started thinking about all the money we were
losing with this kid clogging up the Hall of Screams,
and I knew we had to get him out of there, quick.
Eventually, Rowley’s dad came downstairs. At
first I was happy to see him, because I thought
he could help us drag Shane out from under the
bed and get our haunted house cranking again.
57
But Rowley’s dad wasn’t really in a helpful mood.
poke
poke
Rowley’s dad wanted to know what we were
doing, and why Shane Snella was curled up under
the bed.
We told him that the basement was a haunted
house, and that Shane Snella actually PAiD
for us to do this to him. But Rowley’s dad didn’t
believe us.
I admit that if you looked around, it didn’t
really look like a haunted house. All we had time
to put together was the Hall of Screams and the
Lake of Blood, which was just Rowley’s old
baby pool with half a bottle of ketchup in it.
58
I tried to show Rowley’s dad our original plan
to prove that we really were running a legitimate
operation, but he still didn’t seem convinced.
And to make a long story short, that was the
end of our haunted house.
The good news is, since Rowley’s dad didn’t
believe us, he didn’t make us refund Shane’s
money. So at least we cleared two bucks today.
59
Sunday
Rowley ended up getting grounded for that whole
haunted house mess yesterday. He’s not allowed to
watch tv for a week, and he’s not allowed to
have me over at his house during that time.
That last part really isn’t fair, because that’s
punishing me, and I didn’t even do anything
wrong. And now where am I supposed to play
my video games?
Anyway, I felt kind of bad for Rowley. So
tonight, I tried to make it up to him. I turned
on one of Rowley’s favorite tv shows, and I
did a play-by-play over the phone so he could
kind of experience it that way.
wow! look at the size
of that flamethrower!
oh yeah,
never
mind.
60
I did my best to keep up with what was going on
on the screen, but to be honest with you, I’m
not sure if Rowley was getting the full effect.
i bet this
part is
gonna be
funny.
whup! ha ha!
i was right!
it was
funny.
Tuesday
Well, Rowley’s grounding is finally over, and just
in time for Halloween, too. I went up to his
house to check out his costume, and I have to
admit, I’m a little jealous.
Rowley’s Mom got him this knight costume that’s
WAy cooler than his costume from last year.
61
His knight outfit came with a helmet and a shield
and a real sword and eVerytHinG.
I’ve never had a store-bought costume before.
I still haven’t figured out what I’m gonna go as
tomorrow night, so I’ll probably just throw
something together at the last minute. I figure
maybe I’ll bring back the Toilet Paper Mummy again.
But I think it’s supposed to rain tomorrow
night, so that might not be the smartest choice.
62
In the past few years, the grown-ups in my
neighborhood have been getting cranky about
my lame costumes, and I’m starting to think it’s
actually having an effect on the amount of candy
I’m bringing in.
what’re
you
supposed
to be?
a cowboy.
double
baseball
hats
But I don’t really have time to put together a
good costume, because I’m in charge of planning
out the best route for me and Rowley to take
tomorrow night.
This year I’ve come up with a plan that’ll get us
at least twice the candy we scored last year.
63
Halloween
About an hour before we were supposed to start
trick-or-treating, I still didn’t have a costume.
At that point I was seriously thinking about
going as a cowboy for the second year in a row.
But then Mom knocked at my door and handed
me a pirate costume, with an eye patch and a
hook and everything.
Rowley showed up around 6:30 wearing his
knight costume, but it didn’t look AnytHinG
like it looked yesterday.
Rowley’s mom made all these safety improvements
to it, and you couldn’t even tell what he was
supposed to be anymore.
64
She cut out a big hole in the front of the helmet
so he could see better, and covered him up in all
this reflective tape. She made him wear his winter
coat underneath everything, and she replaced his
sword with a glow stick.
I grabbed my pillowcase, and me and Rowley
started to head out. But Mom stopped us before
we could get out the door.
i want you to
take manny
with you!
65
Man, I should have known there was a catch
when Mom gave me that costume.
I told Mom there was no WAy we were taking
Manny with us, because we were going to hit 152
houses in three hours. And plus, we were going
to be on Snake Road, which is way too dangerous
for a little kid like Manny.
I should never have mentioned that last part,
because the next thing I knew, Mom was telling
Dad he had to go along with us to make sure we
didn’t step foot outside our neighborhood. Dad
tried to squirm out of it, but once Mom makes up
her mind, there’s no way you can change it.
slam
66
Before we even got out of our own driveway, we
ran into our neighbor Mr. Mitchell and his kid
Jeremy. So of course tHey tagged along with us.
Manny and Jeremy wouldn’t trick-or-treat at any
houses with spooky decorations on them, so that
ruled out pretty much every house on our block.
Dad and Mr. Mitchell started talking about
football or something, and every time one of them
wanted to make a point, they’d stop walking.
So we were hitting only about one house every
twenty minutes.
blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
blah blah
67
After a couple of hours, Dad and Mr. Mitchell
took the little kids home.
I was glad, because that meant me and Rowley
could take off. My pillowcase was almost empty,
so I wanted to make up as much time as possible.
A little while later, Rowley told me he needed a
“potty break.” I made him hold off for another
forty-five minutes. But by the time we got to my
gramma’s house, it was pretty clear that if I didn’t
let Rowley use the bathroom, it was gonna get messy.
So I told Rowley if he wasn’t back outside in
one minute, I was gonna start helping myself to
his candy.
68
After that, we headed back out on the road.
But it was already 10:30, and I guess that’s
when most grown-ups decide Halloween is over.
You can kind of tell because that’s when they
start coming to the door in their pajamas and
giving you the evil eye.
We decided to head home. We made up a lot of
time after Dad and Manny left, so I was pretty
satisfied with how much candy we took in.
When we were halfway home, this pickup truck
came roaring down the street with a bunch of
high school kids in it.
69
The kid in the back was holding a fire extinguisher,
and when the truck passed by us, he opened fire.
fwoosh
I have to give Rowley credit, because he blocked
about 95% of the water with his shield. And if
he hadn’t done that, all our candy would have
gotten soaked.
When the truck drove away, I yelled out something
that I regretted about two seconds later.
we’re
calling
the
cops!
70
The driver slammed on the brakes and he turned
his truck around. Me and Rowley started running,
but those guys were right on our heels.
The only place I could think of that was safe
was Gramma’s house, so we cut through a couple
backyards to get there. Gramma was in bed
already, but I knew she keeps a key under the
mat on her front porch.
Once we got inside, I looked out the window to see
if those guys had followed us, and sure enough,
they did. I tried to trick them into leaving, but
they wouldn’t budge.
well, i guess now
that we’re safe in
our own house,
you can’t get us!
71
After a while, we realized the teenagers were
going to wait us out, so we decided we were just
gonna have to spend the night at Gramma’s.
That’s when we started getting cocky, making
monkey noises at the teenagers and whatnot.
Well, at least I was making monkey noises.
Rowley was kind of making owl noises, but I
guess it was the same general idea.
I called Mom to tell her we were going to crash
at Gramma’s for the night. But Mom sounded
really mad on the phone.
She said it was a school night, and that we had
to get home right that instant. So that meant
we were gonna have to make a run for it.
ooh ooh!
eee eee!
ahh ahh!
hoo!
hoo!
72
I looked out the window, and this time, I didn’t
see the truck. But I knew those guys were hiding
somewhere and were just trying to draw us out.
So we snuck out the back door, hopped ov
er
Gramma’s fence, and ran all the way to Snake
Road. I figured our chances were better there
because there aren’t any streetlights.
Snake Road is scary enough on its own without
having a truckload of teenagers hunting you
down. Every time we saw a car coming, we dove
into the bushes. It must’ve taken us a half
hour to go 100 yards.
73
But believe it or not, we made it all the way
home without getting caught. Neither one of us
let our guard down until we got to my driveway.
But right then, there was this awful scream, and
we saw a big wave of water coming toward us.
ahhhhhhh...
splash
74
Man, I forgot all about Dad, and we totally
paid the price for it.
whoops!
heh, heh.
When me and Rowley got inside, we laid out all
our candy on the kitchen table.
The only things we could salvage were a couple of
mints that were wrapped in cellophane, and the
toothbrushes Dr. Garrison gave us.
I think next Halloween I’ll just stay home and
mooch some Butterfingers from the bowl Mom
keeps on top of the refrigerator.
75
November
Thursday
On the bus ride into school today, we passed by
Gramma’s house. It got rolled with toilet paper
last night, which I guess was no big surprise.
I do feel a little bad, because it looked like it was
gonna take a long time to clean up. But on the
bright side, Gramma is retired, so she probably
didn’t have anything planned for today anyway.
Wednesday
In third period, Mr. Underwood, our Phys Ed
teacher, announced that the boys will be doing a
wrestling unit for the next six weeks.
76
If there’s one thing most boys in my school are
into, it’s professional wrestling. So Mr.
Underwood might as well have set off a bomb.
Lunch comes right after Phys Ed, and the
cafeteria was a complete madhouse.
I don’t know what the school is thinking having