mom came in and said she wanted her child to
walk around on two legs, because crawling around
on all fours would be too “degrading.”
So now we’ve got a dog that’s gonna be walking
around on his hind legs for the whole show.
But the worst change is that Mrs. Norton actually
wrote a song that us trees have to sing.
She said everyone “deserves” a chance to sing
in the play.
104
So today we spent an hour learning the worst
song that’s ever been written.
we three trees…
Thank God Rodrick won’t be in the audience to
see me humiliate myself. Mrs. Norton said the
play is going to be a “semiformal occasion,” and
I know there’s no way Rodrick is going to wear
a tie for a middle school play.
But today wasn’t all bad. Toward the end of
practice, Archie Kelly tripped over Rodney James
and chipped his tooth because he couldn’t stick
his arms out to break his fall.
105
So the good news is, they’re letting us Trees
carve out arm holes for the performance.
Tuesday
Tonight was the big school production of “The Wizard
of Oz.” The first sign that things were not going to
go well happened before the play even started.
I was peeking through
the curtain to check out
how many people showed
up to see the play, and
guess who was standing
right up front? My
brother Rodrick, wearing
a clip-on tie.
Gaah!
106
He must have found out I was singing, and he
couldn’t resist the chance to see me embarrass myself.
The play was supposed to start at 8:00, but it got
delayed because Rodney James had stage fright.
You’d figure that someone whose job it was to sit
on the stage and do nothing could just suck it up
for one performance. But Rodney wouldn’t budge,
and eventually, his mom had to carry him off.
The play finally got started around 8:30.
Nobody could remember their lines, just like I
predicted, but Mrs. Norton kept things moving
along with her piano.
107
The kid who played Toto brought a stool and a
pile of comic books onto the stage, and that
totally ruined the whole “dog” effect.
When it was time for the forest scene, me and
the other Trees hopped into our positions. The
curtains rose, and when they did, I heard
Manny’s voice.
bubby!
108
Great. I have been able to keep that nickname
quiet for five years, and now all of the sudden
the whole town knew it. I could feel about 300
pairs of eyeballs pointed my way.
So I did some quick ad-libbing and I was able to
deflect the embarrassment over to Archie Kelly.
i think you
dropped an
apple,
“bubby.”
But the major embarrassment was still on the
way. When I heard Mrs. Norton playing the
first few bars of “We Three Trees,” I felt my
stomach jump.
I looked out at the audience, and I noticed
Rodrick was holding a video camera.
109
I knew that if I sang the song and Rodrick
recorded it, he would keep the tape forever and
use it to humiliate me for the rest of my life.
I didn’t know what to do, so when the time
came to start singing, I just kept my mouth shut.
we three trees
from yonder
glen …
For a few seconds there, things went ok. I
figured that if I didn’t technically sing the
song, then Rodrick wouldn’t have anything to
hold over my head. But after a few seconds, the
other Trees noticed I wasn’t singing.
110
I guess they must’ve thought I knew something
that they didn’t, so they stopped singing, too.
do spy a maiden
fair and sweet…
Now the three of us were just standing there,
thought we forgot the words to the song,
because she came over to the side of the stage
and whispered the rest of the lyrics to us.
whilst we are
rooted to our
spots, she
doth move on
lighter feet…
111
The song is only about three minutes long, but
to me it felt like an hour and a half. I was just
praying the curtains would go down so we could
hop off the stage.
That’s when I noticed Patty Farrell standing in
the wings. And if looks could kill, us Trees would
be dead. She probably thought we were ruining her
chances of making it to Broadway or something.
Seeing Patty standing there reminded me why I
signed up to be a Tree in the first place.
clonk
Pretty soon, the rest of the Trees started
throwing apples, too. I think Toto even got in
on the act.
Somebody knocked the glasses off of Patty’s
head, and one of the lenses broke. Mrs. Norton
had to shut down the play after that, because
Patty can’t see two feet in front of her
without her glasses.
After the play was over, my family went home
together. Mom had brought a bouquet of flowers,
and I guess they were supposed to be for me.
But she ended up tossing them in the trash can
on the way out the door.
I just hope that everyone who came to see the
play was as entertained as I was.
113
Wednesday
Well, if one good thing came out of the play, it’s
that I don’t have to worry about the “Bubby”
nickname anymore.
I saw Archie Kelly getting hassled in the hallway
after fifth period today, so it looks like I can
finally start to breathe a little easier.
hi there,
“bubby”!
Sunday
With all this stuff going on at school, I
haven’t even had time to think about Christmas.
And it’s less than ten days away.
shove
114
In fact, the only thing that tipped me off
that Christmas was coming was when Rodrick put
his wish list up on the refrigerator.
Rodrick’s Wish
List
1. New drums
2. New van
3. Shrunken head
I usually make a big wish list every year, but
this Christmas, all I really want is this video
game called Twisted Wizard.
Tonight Manny was going through the Christmas
catalog, picking out all the stuff he wants with
a big red marker. Manny was circling every single
toy in the catalog. He was even circling really
expensive things like a giant motorized car and
stuff like that.
115
So I decided to step in and give him some good
big-b
rotherly advice.
I told him that if he circled stuff that was
too expensive, he was going to end up with a
bunch of clothes for Christmas. I said he
should just pick three or four medium-priced
gifts so he would end up with a couple of
things he actually wanted.
But of course Manny just went back to circling
everything again. So I guess he’ll just have to
learn the hard way.
When I was seven, the only thing I really
wanted for Christmas was a Barbie Dream House.
And not because I like girls’ toys, like
Rodrick said.
116
I just thought it would be a really awesome fort
for my toy soldiers.
When Mom and Dad saw my wish list that year,
they got in a big fight over it. Dad said there was
no way he was getting me a dollhouse, but Mom
said it was healthy for me to “experiment” with
whatever kind of toys I wanted to play with.
Believe it or not, Dad actually won that argument.
Dad told me to start my wish list over and pick
some toys that were more “appropriate” for boys.
But I have a secret weapon when it comes to
Christmas. My Uncle Charlie always gets me whatever
I want. I told him I wanted the Barbie Dream
House, and he said he’d hook me up.
117
On Christmas, when Uncle Charlie gave me my
gift, it was not what I asked for. He must’ve
walked into the toy store and picked up the first
thing he saw that had the word “Barbie”
on it.
So if you ever see a picture of me where I’m
holding a Beach Fun Barbie, now at least you
know the whole story.
Dad wasn’t real happy when he saw what Uncle
Charlie got me. He told me to either throw it
out or give it away to charity.
But I kept it anyway. And ok, I admit maybe
I took it out and played with it once or twice.
118
That’s how I ended up in the emergency room
two weeks later with a pink Barbie shoe stuck up
my nose. And believe me, Rodrick has never let
me hear the end of tHAt.
Thursday
Tonight me and Mom went out to get a gift for
the Giving Tree at church. The Giving Tree is
basically a Secret Santa kind of thing where you
get a gift for someone who is needy.
Mom picked out a red wool sweater for our
Giving Tree guy.
I tried to talk Mom into getting something a
lot cooler, like a tV or a slushie machine or
something like that.
119
Because imagine if all you got on Christmas was
a wool sweater.
yippee.
I’m sure our Giving Tree guy will throw his sweater
in the trash, along with the ten cans of yams we
sent his way during the Thanksgiving Food Drive.
Christmas
When I woke up this morning and went downstairs,
there were about a million gifts under the Christmas
tree. But when I started digging around, there
were hardly any gifts with my name on them.
toss
120
But Manny made out like a bandit. He got eVery
single thing he circled in the catalog, no lie. So
I’ll bet he’s glad he didn’t listen to me.
I did find a couple things with my name on
them, but they were mostly books and socks and
stuff like that.
I opened my gifts in the corner behind the
couch, because I don’t like opening gifts near
Dad. Whenever someone opens a gift, Dad swoops
right in and cleans up after them.
rip
121
I gave Manny a toy helicopter and I gave
Rodrick a book about rock bands. Rodrick gave
me a book, too, but of course he didn’t wrap it.
The book he got me was “Best of L’il Cutie.”
“L’il Cutie” is the worst comic in the newspaper,
and Rodrick knows how much I hate it. I think
this is the fourth year in a row I’ve gotten a
“L’il Cutie” book from him.
I gave Mom and Dad their gifts. I get them
the same kind of thing every year, but parents
eat that stuff up.
thanks.
heh,
heh.
122
The rest of the relatives started showing up
around 11:00, and Uncle Charlie came at noon.
Uncle Charlie brought a big trash bag full of
gifts, and he pulled my present out of the top
of the bag.
The package was the exact right size and shape
to be a Twisted Wizard game, so I knew Uncle
Charlie came through for me. Mom got the camera
ready and I tore open my gift.
123
But it was just an 8 x 10 picture of Uncle Charlie.
I guess I didn’t do a good job of hiding my
disappointment, and Mom got mad. All I can say
is, I’m glad I’m still a kid, because if I had to
act happy about the kinds of gifts grown-ups
get, I don’t think I could pull it off.
BLESS
THIS
HOUSE
i know the
perfect
place for
this!
i just
knew
you’d
love it!
124
I went up to my room to take a break for a
while. A couple minutes later, Dad knocked on my
door. He told me he had my gift for me out in
the garage, and the reason it was out there was
because it was too big to wrap.
And when I walked down to the garage, there
was a brand-new weight set.
125
That thing must have cost a fortune. I didn’t
have the heart to tell Dad that I kind of lost
interest in the whole weight-lifting thing when
the wrestling unit ended last week. So I just
said “thanks” instead.
I think Dad was expecting me to drop down and
start doing some reps or something, but I just
excused myself and went back inside.
At about 6:00, all the relatives cleared out.
I was sitting on the couch watching Manny play
with his toys, feeling pretty sorry for myself.
Then Mom came up to me and said that she
found a gift behind the piano with my name on
it, and it said, “From Santa.”
126
The box was way too big for Twisted Wizard, but
Mom pulled the same “big box” trick on me last
year when she got me a memory card for my
video game system.
So I ripped open the package and pulled out my
present. Only this wasn’t Twisted Wizard,
either. It was a giant red wool sweater.
flash
At first I thought Mom was playing some
kind of practical joke on me, because this
sweater was the same kind we bought for our
Giving Tree guy.
But Mom seemed pretty confused, too. She said
she DiD buy me a video game, and that she had
no idea what the sweater was doing in my box.
127
And
then I figured it out. I told Mom there
must have been some kind of mix-up, and I got
the Giving Tree guy’s gift, and he got mine.
Mom said she used the same kind of wrapping
paper for both of our gifts, so she must’ve
written the wrong names on the tags.
But then Mom said that this was really a good
thing, because the Giving Tree guy was probably
really happy he got such a great gift.
it’s a
christmas
miracle!
128
I had to explain that you need a game system
and a tV to play Twisted Wizard, so the game
was totally useless to him.
oh.
Even though my Christmas was not going that
great, I’m sure it was going a whole lot worse
for the Giving Tree guy.
jerks.
I kind of decided to throw in the towel for this
Christmas, and I headed up to Rowley’s house.
129
I forgot to get a gift for Rowley, so I just
slapped a bow on the “L’il Cutie” book
Rodrick gave me.
And that seemed to do the trick.
Rowley’s parents have a lot of money, so I can
always count on them for a good gift.
But Rowley said that this year he picked out my
gift himself. Then he brought me outside to show
me what it was.
From the way Rowley was hyping his present, I
thought he must have gotten me a big-screen
tV or a motorcycle or something.
130
But once again, I let my hopes get too high.
Rowley got me a Big Wheel. I guess I would
have thought this was a cool gift when I was in
the third grade, but I have no idea what I’m
supposed to do with one now.
Rowley was so enthusiastic about it that I tried
my best to act like I was happy anyway.
gee,
thanks!
We went back inside, and Rowley showed me his
Christmas loot.
131
He sure got a lot more stuff than I did. He
even got Twisted Wizard, so at least I can play