to think of something better if she wants me
and Rodrick to get along.
I will not call Rodrick names.
bunny
rabbit!
WAAAAH!
I will not push Gregory.
AIEEE!
23
The truth is, Rodrick can pretty much treat me
any way he wants, because he knows there’s nothing
I can do about it.
See, Rodrick is the only one who knows about this
really embarrassing thing that happened to me
over the summer, and he’s been holding it over my
head ever since. So if I ever tell on him for any-
thing, he’ll spill my secret to the whole world.
I just wish I had some dirt on him to even
things out.
I do know one embarrassing thing about Rodrick,
but I don’t think it’s gonna do me any good.
When Rodrick was a sophomore, he was sick the day
they did school photos. So Mom told Dad to mail in
Rodrick’s freshman picture for the school to use
in the yearbook.
Don’t ask me how Dad screwed this up, but he
sent in Rodrick’s second-grade picture.
24
And believe it or not, it actually got printed.
Unfortunately, Rodrick was smart enough to rip
that page out of his yearbook. So if I’m ever
gonna find something to use against him, I
guess I have to keep digging.
Wednesday
Ever since Mom assigned the dishes to me and
Rodrick, Dad’s been going down to the furnace
room after dinner to work on this miniature Civil
War battlefield of his.
25
Dad spends at least three hours a night down
there working on that thing. I think Dad
would be happy to spend the whole weekend
working on his battlefield, but Mom has
other plans for him.
Mom likes to rent these romantic comedies, and
she makes Dad watch them with her. But I
know Dad is just waiting for the first chance to
break away and go back down to the basement.
Whenever Dad can’t be down in the furnace
room, he makes sure us kids keep away from it.
kiss
smooch
26
Dad won't let me or Rodrick go near his
battlefield, because he thinks we're gonna mess
something up.
And earlier today I overheard Dad say something
to Manny to make sure he doesn’t go poking
around back there, either.
Saturday
Rowley came over to my house today. Dad doesn’t
like it when Rowley comes over, because Dad
always says Rowley is “accident prone.” I think
it’s because this one time Rowley was eating dinner
here, and he dropped a plate and broke it.
I think I just
heard some
grunting noises
coming from the
furnace room.
27
So now Dad has this idea that Rowley is going
to ruin his whole Civil War battlefield in one
klutzy move.
Whenever Rowley comes over to my house these
days, he gets the same greeting:
Duh.
bounce
The basement
is off limits.
Yes,
sir.
28
Rowley’s dad doesn’t like me, either. That’s why
I don’t go over to his house much anymore.
The last time I spent the night at Rowley's,
we watched this movie where some kids taught
themselves a secret language that no grown-ups
could understand.
Me and Rowley thought that was pretty cool,
and we tried to figure out how to talk in the
same language the kids were using in the movie.
But we couldn't really get the hang of it, so we
made up our own secret language.
Beegle boddle
brup bop!
Bork!
Translation: at exactly 2:30 P.M., let's
all drop our books on the floor.
29
Then we tried it out at dinner.
But Rowley's dad must have cracked our code,
because I ended up getting sent home before
dessert. And I haven’t been invited to spend
the night at Rowley’s ever since.
Your-pa dad-pa
smells-pa
like-pa a
woman-pa!
hee hee
hee!
30
When Rowley came over to my house today, he
brought a bunch of pictures from his trip with
him. He said the best part of his vacation was
when they went on a river safari, and he showed
me all these blurry pictures of birds and stuff.
Now, I've been to the Wild Kingdom amusement
park a bunch of times, and they have this River
Rapids ride where they have these awesome robot
animals like gorillas and dinosaurs.
If you ask me, Rowley's parents should have just
saved their money and taken him there instead.
Did you see any
sharks fighting
giant tarantulas
on your safari?
No. And sharks
don't fight
tarantulas.
Well, at
wild kingdom
they do.
31
But of course Rowley didn’t want to hear about
my experiences, so he just gathered up his pictures
and went back home.
Tonight after dinner, Mom made Dad watch one
of the movies she rented, but Dad really wanted
to work on his Civil War battlefield.
When Mom got up to go to the bathroom, Dad
stuffed a bunch of pillows under the blanket on his
side of the bed to make it look like he was asleep.
Mom didn't find out about Dad's decoy until after
the movie was over.
She made Dad come to bed, even though it was
only 8:30.
32
And now Manny sleeps in Mom and Dad’s bed,
because he’s afraid of the monster that lives in
the furnace room.
Tuesday
I thought I was done hearing about Rowley's
trip, but I was wrong. Yesterday, our Social
Studies teacher asked Rowley to tell the class all
about his vacation, and today he came to school
wearing this ridiculous costume. But what was even
worse was when some girls came up to Rowley
at lunch and started kissing his butt.
Will you
tell us more
about your
trip?
"Si!" heh,
heh
33
But then I realized maybe that wasn’t such a
bad thing after all. So I started parading
Rowley around the cafeteria, because after all,
he is my best friend.
Saturday
Dad has been taking me to the mall every Saturday
for the past few weeks. At first, I thought it
was because he wanted to spend more time with me.
But then I realized he's just making sure he's out
of the house for Rodrick's band practices, which I
can totally understand.
Rodrick and his heavy-metal band practice in the
basement on weekends.
Rowley here
just got back
from South
Dakota!
South
America!
Whatever!
34
The lead singer of the band is this guy named
Bill Walter, and me and Dad bumped into Bill on
the way out the door today.
Bill doesn't have a job, and he still lives with his
parents, even though he’s thirty-five years old.
I’m pretty sure Dad’s worst fear is that
Rodrick is going to see Bill as some kind of role
model, and that Rodrick will want to follow in
Bill’s footsteps.
So whenever Dad sees Bill, it just puts him in a
bad mood for the rest of the day.
Mornin'
Mr. Heffley!
35
The reason Rodrick invited Bill to be in his band
was because Bill got voted “Most Likely to Be a
Rock Star” when he was in high school.
That hasn't really worked out for Bill yet. And
I think I heard Anna Wrentham is in prison.
Anyway, me and Dad went to the mall for a few
hours today, but when we got back, Rodrick’s
band practice wasn’t over yet. You could hear the
guitars and drums from a block away, and there
were a bunch of random teenagers hanging out in
our driveway.
Most likely to be a rock star
36
I guess they must have heard the music coming
out of the basement and got drawn to it, sort
of like how moths get drawn to a light.
When Dad saw all those teenagers in the driveway,
he totally freaked out.
Dad ran inside to call the cops, but Mom
stopped him before he could dial 911.
Mom said those teenagers weren’t doing any harm,
and that they were just “appreciating” Rodrick's
music. But I don't even know how she could say
that with a straight face. And if you ever heard
Rodrick's band, you'd know what I mean.
37
Dad couldn't relax with all those teenagers out in
our driveway.
So Dad went upstairs and got his boom box.
Then he put in a classical music cd and let it
play. And you would not believe how quickly
the driveway cleared out after that.
38
Dad was pretty proud of himself for thinking up
that one. But Mom accused him of getting rid of
Rodrick's “fans” on purpose.
Sunday
Today, on the car ride to church, I was making
faces at Manny, trying to get him to laugh. I
made this one face that made Manny laugh so
hard that apple juice came out of his nose.
What? I can't
enjoy my
music, too?
Bwah
ha ha!
39
But then Mom said:
Well, once Mom put that thought in Manny’s
head, it was all over.
See? This is the reason I keep my distance from
Manny. Every time I try to have a little fun
with him, I end up regretting it.
I remember when I was younger, and Mom and
Dad told me I was getting a little brother. I
was really excited.
You could
have killed
him!
40
After all those years of getting pushed around
by Rodrick, I was definitely ready to move up a
notch on the totem pole.
But Mom and Dad have always been super
protective of Manny, and they won’t let me lay a
finger on him, even if he totally deserves it.
Like the other day, I plugged in my video game
system, and it wouldn’t start. I opened it up
and found out that Manny had stuffed a chocolate-
chip cookie in the disc drive.
YAAH!
kick
YAAH!
kick
41
And of course Manny used the same excuse he
always uses when he breaks my stuff.
I really wanted to let Manny have it, but I
couldn’t do anything with Mom standing right there.
Mom said she would have a “talk” with Manny, and
they went downstairs. A half hour later, they
came back up to my room, and Manny was holding
something in his hands.
I'm ownwy
thwee!
I'm
sowwy,
Bubby.
42
It was a ball of tinfoil with a bunch of toothpicks
sticking out of it.
for my broken video game system. I went to
throw the stupid thing away, but Mom wouldn’t
even let me do that.
The first chance I get, that thing’s going in the
trash. Because mark my words, if I don’t get rid
of it, I’m gonna end up sitting on it.
Your brother
made that
for you!
43
Even though Manny drives me totally nuts, there is
one reason I like having him around. Ever since
Manny started talking, Rodrick has stopped making
me sell chocolate bars for his school fund-raisers.
And believe me, I’m grateful for that.
Before
Um ... Hello,
sir ... would
you like
to help
support
Not
interested!
Now
Wood you
wike some
chokwits?
How
precious!
44
Monday
Madame Lefrere made us write our first pen-pal
letters today. I got assigned to this kid named
Mamadou Montpierre, and I guess he lives
someplace in France.
I know I'm supposed to write in French and
Mamadou is supposed to write in English, but to
be honest with you, writing in a foreign language
is pretty hard.
So I really don't see the need for both of us to
stress out over this whole pen-pal thing.
By the way, remember how I said I was gonna
end up sitting on Manny’s spiky tinfoil ball thing?
Well, I was half right.
Dear Mamadou,
First of all, I think we should both just
write in English to keep things simple.
45
Rowley came over today to play video games, and
he ended up sitting on it.
I’m actually kind of relieved, to be honest with
you. I lost track of that thing a couple of days
ago, and I’m just glad it finally turned up.
And in all the commotion, I threw Manny’s
“gift” in the garbage. But something tells me
Mom wouldn’t have stopped me this time.
Wednesday
Rodrick has an English paper due tomorrow, and
Mom's actually making him do it himself for once.
Rodrick doesn't know how to type, so he usually
writes his papers out on notebook paper and then
hands them off to Dad.
dab
dab
46
But when Dad reads over Rodrick's work, he
finds all sorts of factual errors.
; Rodrick doesn’t really care about the mistakes, so
he tells Dad to just go ahead and type the
paper like it is.
But Dad can’t stand typing a paper with errors
in it, so he just rewrites Rodrick's paper from
scratch. And then a couple days later, Rodrick
brings his graded paper home and acts like he did
it himself.
Well, for starters,
Abraham Lincoln
didn't write "To Kill
A Mockingbird".
47
This has been going on for a few years, and I
guess Mom decided she’s going to put an end to
it. So tonight she told Dad that Rodrick was
going to have to do his own work this time
around, and that Dad wasn't allowed to help out.
Rodrick went in the computer room after dinner,
and you could hear him typing about one letter
a minute.
I could tell the sound of Rodrick typing was
driving Dad totally bananas. On top of that,
Rodrick would come out of the computer room
every ten minutes and ask Dad some dumb question.
Where's the
space bar