hot and sweaty.
But as usual, Dad didn’t see my logic.
Tuesday
24
Dad is a pretty smart guy in general but when
it comes to common sense, sometimes I wonder
about him.
I’m sure Dad would dismantle my game system
if he could figure out how to do it. But luckily,
the people who make these things make them
parent-proof.
Slam
Dag nab
these fancy
gadgets!
25
Every time Dad kicks me out of the house to do
something sporty, I just go up to Rowley’s and
play my video games there.
Unfortunately, the only games I can play at
Rowley’s are car-racing games and stuff like that.
Because whenever I bring a game up to Rowley’s
house, his dad looks it up on some parents’ Web
site. And if my game has any kind of fighting
or violence in it, he won’t let us play.
I’m getting a little sick of playing Formula One
Racing with Rowley, because he’s not a serious
gamer like me. All that you have to do to beat
Rowley is name your car something ridiculous at
the beginning of the game.
Hmmmm…
26
And then when you pass Rowley’s car, he just
falls to pieces.
Anyway, after I got done mopping the floor
with Rowley today, I headed home. I ran
through the neighbor’s sprinkler a couple times to
make it look like I was all sweaty, and that
seemed to do the trick for Dad.
Bad
fart
ahead!
Bwaahahaha!
Whew!
27
Wednesday
But my trick kind of backfired, because as soon
as Mom saw me, she made me go upstairs and
take a shower.
I guess Dad must have been pretty happy with
himself for making me go outside yesterday,
because he did it again today.
It’s getting really annoying to have to go up to
Rowley’s every time I want to play a video game.
There’s this weird kid named Fregley who lives
halfway between my house and Rowley’s, and
Fregley is always hanging out in his front yard.
So it’s pretty hard to avoid him.
Wanna see
my “secret
Freckle”?
Um… No
thanks.
28
Fregley is in my Phys Ed class at school, and he
has this whole made-up language. Like when he
needs to go to the bathroom, he says—
Us kids have pretty much figured Fregley out by
now, but I don’t think the teachers have really
caught on yet.
Today, I probably would have gone up to Rowley’s
on my own anyway, because my brother Rodrick
and his band were practicing down in the basement.
Juice!
juuuice!!!
Ok, kid…
gee whiz!
29
Rodrick’s band is really awful, and I can’t
stand being home when they’re having rehearsals.
His band is called “Loaded Diaper,” only it’s
spelled “Löded Diper” on Rodrick’s van.
You might think he spelled it that way to make it
look cooler, but I bet if you told Rodrick how
“Loaded Diaper” is really spelled, it would be news
to him.
Dad was against the idea of Rodrick starting a
band, but Mom was all for it.
She’s the one who bought Rodrick his first
drum set.
LÖded
diper
30
I think Mom has this idea that we’re all going
to learn to play instruments and then become one
of those family bands like you see on tv.
Dad really hates heavy metal, and that’s the
kind of music Rodrick and his band play. I don’t
think Mom really cares what Rodrick plays or listens
to, because to her, all music is the same. In
fact, earlier today, Rodrick was listening to one
of his CDs in the family room, and Mom came in
and started dancing.
31
That really bugged Rodrick, so he drove off to
the store and came back fifteen minutes later
with some headphones. And that pretty much
took care of the problem.
Yesterday Rodrick got a new heavy metal CD,
and it had one of those “Parental Warning”
stickers on it.
I have never gotten to listen to one of those
Parental Warning CDs, because Mom and Dad never
let me buy them at the mall. So I realized the only
way I was gonna get a chance to listen to
Rodrick’s CD was if I snuck it out of the house.
This morning, after Rodrick left, I called up Rowley
and told him to bring his CD player to school.
Thursday
32
Then I went down to Rodrick’s room and took
the CD off his rack.
You’re not allowed to bring personal music players
to school, so we had to wait to use it until after
lunch when the teachers let us outside. As soon
as we got the chance, me and Rowley snuck
around the back of the school and loaded up
Rodrick’s CD.
But Rowley forgot to put batteries in his CD
player, so it was pretty much worthless.
Then I came up with this great idea for a game.
The object was to put the headphones on your
head and then try to shake them off without
using your hands.
33
The winner was whoever could shake the headphones
off in the shortest amount of time.
I had the record with seven and a half seconds,
but I think I might have shook some of my
fillings loose with that one.
Right in the middle of our game, Mrs. Craig came
around the corner and caught us red-handed. She
took the music player away from me and started
chewing us out.
34
But I think she had the wrong idea about what
we were doing back there. She started telling us
how rock and roll is “evil” and how it’s going to
ruin our brains.
I was going to tell her that there weren’t even
any batteries in the CD player, but I could tell she
didn’t want to be interrupted. So I just waited
until she was done, and then I said, “Yes, ma’am.”
But right when Mrs. Craig was about to let us
go, Rowley started blubbering about how he doesn’t
want rock and roll to ruin his “brains.”
Honestly, sometimes I don’t know about that boy.
35
Well, now I’ve gone and done it.
Last night, after everyone was in bed, I snuck
downstairs to listen to Rodrick’s CD on the
stereo in the family room.
I put Rodrick’s new headphones on and cranked
up the volume really high. Then I hit “play.”
First, let me just say I can definitely understand
why they put that “Parental Warning” sticker
on the CD.
But I only got to hear
about thirty seconds of
the first song before I got interrupted.
Friday
36
It turns out I didn’t have the headphones plugged
into the stereo. So the music was actually coming
through the speakers, not the headphones.
Dad marched me up to my room and shut the
door behind him, and then he said—
Let’s you and
me have a talk,
friend.
37
Whenever Dad says “friend” that way, you know
you’re in trouble. The first time Dad ever said
“friend” like that to me, I didn’t get that he was
being sarcastic. So I kind of let my guard down.
I don’t make that mistake anymore.
Tonight, Dad yelled at me for about ten minutes,
and then I guess he decided he’d rather be in bed
than standing in my room in his underwear. He
told me I was grounded from playing video games
for two weeks, which is about what I expected.
I guess I should be glad that’s all he did.
The good thing about Dad is that when he gets
mad, he cools off real quick, and then it’s over.
Friend = Good
38
Usually, if you mess up in front of Dad, he just
throws whatever he’s got in his hands at you.
Mom has a totally different style when it
comes to punishment. If you mess up and Mom
catches you, the first thing she does is to take
a few days to figure out what your punishment
should be.
Good time to screw up:
Bad time to screw up:
Kick
Kick
39
And while you’re waiting, you do all these nice
things to try to get off easier.
But then after a few days, right when you
forget you’re in trouble, that’s when she lays it
on you.
I just dusted
the dining
room for the
heck of it!
How
thoughtful
of you!
Are you
having fun?
Yeah!
No video
games for
a week!
40
This video game ban is a whole lot tougher than
I thought it would be. But at least I’m not the
only one in the family who’s in trouble.
Rodrick’s in some hot water with Mom right now,
too. Manny got ahold of one of Rodrick’s heavy
metal magazines, and one of the pages had a
picture of a woman in a bikini lying across the
hood of a car. And then Manny brought it into
day care for show-and-tell.
Anyway, I don’t think Mom was too happy about
getting that phone call.
I saw the magazine myself, and it honestly wasn’t
anything to get worked up over. But Mom doesn’t
allow that kind of stuff in the house.
Monday
41
Rodrick’s punishment was that he had to answer
a bunch of questions Mom wrote out for him.
Did owning this magazine
make you a better person?
No.
Did it make you more
popular at school?
No.
How do you feel about having
owned this type of magazine
now?
I feel ashamed.
Do you have anything you
want to say to women for
having owned this offensive
magazine?
I’m sorry women.
42
Wednesday
I’m still grounded from playing video games, so
Manny has been using my system. Mom went out and
bought a whole bunch of educational video games,
and watching Manny play them is like torture.
The good news is that I finally figured out how
to get some of my games past Rowley’s dad. I
just put one of my discs in Manny’s “Discovering
the Alphabet” case, and that’s all it takes.
What number
comes after
two and rhymes
with “tree”?
Hmm…
Three!
three!
Mm
Hmmmm!
43
Thursday
At school today, they announced that student
government elections are coming up. To be honest
with you, I’ve never had any interest in student
government. But when I started thinking about
it, I realized getting elected Treasurer could
totally change my situation at school.
we cheerleaders
are tired of riding
to games in the
same bus as the
nerds in the band!
hmm ... let
me see
what i
can do ...
treasurer
44
Friday
And even better ...
Nobody ever thinks about running for Treasurer,
because all anyone ever cares about are the big-
ticket positions like President and Vice President.
So I figure if I sign up tomorrow, the
Treasurer job is pretty much mine for the taking.
Today, I went and put my name on the list to
run for Treasurer. Unfortunately, this kid named
Marty Porter is running for Treasurer, too, and
he’s real brainy at math. So this might not be as
easy as I thought.
we jocks just
need an air pump
to inflate our
only football.
sorry. can’t
help you
with that.
treasurer
45
I told Dad that I was running for student
government, and he seemed pretty excited. It
turns out he ran for student government when
he was my age, and he actually won.
Dad dug through some old boxes in the basement
and found one of his campaign posters.
integrity
honesty
know-how
I thought the poster idea was pretty good, so
I asked Dad to drive me to the store to get
some supplies. I loaded up on poster board and
markers, and I spent the rest of the night
making all my campaign stuff. So let’s just hope
these posters work.
vote
Frank Heffley
for
secretary
46
Monday
I brought my posters in to school today, and I
have to say, they came out pretty good.
Do You Want
marty porter
to be your
treasurer?
darr...
hey, you’re
dropping all
our money,
you fool!
Remember in second grade how
Marty Porter had head lice?
itch
itch
Do you really want him
touching YOUR money?
47
I started hanging my posters up as soon as I
got in. But they were only up for about three
minutes before Vice Principal Roy spotted them.
Mr. Roy said you weren’t allowed to write
“fabrications” about the other candidates. So I
told Mr. Roy that the thing about the head lice
was true, and how it practically closed down the
whole school when it happened.
But he took down all my posters anyway. So today,
Marty Porter was going around handing out lollipops
to buy himself votes while my posters were sitting at
the bottom of Mr. Roy’s trash can. I guess this
means my political career is officially over.
48
October
Monday
Well, it’s finally October, and there are only
thirty days left until Halloween. Halloween is
my fAVorite holiday, even though Mom says
I’m getting too old to go trick-or-treating
anymore.
Halloween is Dad’s favorite holiday, too, but for
a different reason. On Halloween night, while
all the other parents are handing out candy,
Dad is hiding in the bushes with a big trash
can full of water.
And if any teenagers pass by our driveway, he
drenches them.
yaaargh!
49
I’m not sure Dad really understands the concept
of Halloween. But I’m not gonna be the one who
spoils his fun.
Tonight was the opening night of the Crossland
High School haunted house, and I got Mom to
agree to take me and Rowley.
Rowley showed up at my house wearing his Halloween
costume from last year. When I called him earlier
I told him to just wear regular clothes, but of
course he didn’t listen.
trick or
treat!
heh, heh.
50
I tried not to let it bother me too much, though.
I’ve never been allowed to go to the Crossland
haunted house before, and I wasn’t going to let
Rowley ruin it for me. Rodrick has told me all
about it, and I’ve been looking forward to this
for about three years.
Anyway, when we got to the entrance, I
started having second thoughts about going in.
good
eeeveninggg.
But Mom seemed like she was in a hurry to get this
over with, and she moved us along. Once we were
through the gate, it was one scare after another.