The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road, Page 4

for breaking wind in church.

  Studs has many enemies but his least favourite type of person is the cyclist, because only last week a cyclist threw a brick through his window. This mindless act of vandalism put all cyclists right to the very top of Studs’ ‘Most Hated’ list.

  David realised that this was one of those crazy days where lots of coincidences happen, when a group of cycling enthusiasts suddenly came racing round the corner. The vicar had already confiscated the frying pan, so Studs picked up the Zimmer-frame again and threw it at the group of approaching cycling enthusiasts, causing a hilarious bicycle pile up. The pile-up caused the cyclists to be thrown head first into the toad-swamp, and their bikes to be badly bent. The cycling enthusiasts gathered themselves together, and started complaining about their broken bicycles and grazed knees. Studs just scooped up some toad-like creatures from the swamp and threw them at the cyclists until they stopped moaning.

  This frenzy of bad behaviour continued for a while, until Studs realised it was time to head home to watch some violent films on the telly. Using his great strength, he pushed the muscle-car out of the toad swamp. David and Studs then jumped in and drove off, running over the pile of bicycles in the process.

  As they arrived back in Possum Road in the damaged muscle-car, David remembered a poster he had seen in the village about the Bottomhamsted Village Fair and thought how Stud’s car would now be perfect for the amusing and dangerous Main Event. He produced the leaflet he had picked up about the event and handed it over to Studs. Something then happened which had never happened before.

  Studs smiled and said “Cheers Dave”.

  “Good-bye Studs, it was very nice to meet you” said David.

  David could not quite believe how exciting life in Bottomhamsted had been so far, and was really looking forward to discover what could possibly happen next.

  LADY ORANGE

  World’s most orange person

  David was still buzzing from his adventure with Studs as he entered school the next day. On the way to class he had to pass by the school pond. This lovely tranquil pond featured some beautiful water lilies and contained a number of prize-winning goldfish, which belonged to the headmaster. David stopped next to the pond and watched the glistening goldfish swimming around in the morning sunshine.

  Typically, the peaceful moment did not last long as a group of very excited boys arrived on the scene, carrying a suspicious looking school bag. David was sure he could hear a sloshing sound coming from inside the bag! As the boys opened the school bag, he was astonished to see a small but vicious shark jump out and dive straight into the pond. After a few seconds of calm and silence, there was a huge eruption of bubbles and spray as the shark chased the goldfish around the small pond and gobbled them all up. The vicious shark then chewed up all the beautiful water lilies, before jumping straight back into the school bag. The boys gave each other ‘high fives’ then ran off singing some kind of song about a shark eating the headmaster’s pet goldfish. David thought he might never get used to his new school as he made his way to class.

  He arrived in the classroom and took a seat at the back, which promptly collapsed causing much chuckling and sniggering among his classmates. Mrs Wigglit was less amused but went on to announce that the distinguished ‘Lady Orange’ would be the subject of today’s lesson.

  “Lady Orange is a member of the illustrious Orange family who are known for their excessively generous contributions to great causes. She can often be seen throwing piggy banks full of coins at disadvantaged individuals, sometimes causing serious injuries. A couple of worthy causes which Lady Orange has made generous donations to, are the ‘Steamrollers Appreciation Society’ and a group who call themselves the ‘Knobbly Knee Club’. This group of old men apparently all have very knobbly knees and want to be recognised for their outstanding knobblyness. Despite her great generosity and nobility, there are rumors that Lady Orange owns a secret underground greenhouse where she develops weapons. She has also been spotted shouting rude words through people’s letterboxes”.

  Lady Orange sounded so brilliant that David ran straight round to her house as quickly as possible after school.

  It came as no surprise that her house was the one painted orange and that even her windows were somehow orange tinted. David knocked on the door and was very surprised to hear the distinguished Lady Orange shout, “Go away, I hate you!!” from inside the house.

  David thought there must be some kind of misunderstanding, so decided to introduce himself in a very loud voice from outside.

  “Good afternoon Lady Orange, My name is David and I am your new neighbour!!!” he shouted.

  An orange haired lady looked through the window, smiled and then opened the door.

  “Good afternoon David, I do apologise for my terrible behaviour, I thought you were one of those ghastly milk-men” she said, and invited David inside. She immediately disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of oranges and some orange juice. David grabbed an orange and started to peel it, as she began telling the story of the long-standing bitter rivalry between her illustrious ‘Orange’ family and the disgusting ‘Dairy’ family.

  “For centuries, there have been raging battles and disputes over which drink is the most fabulous, orange or milk” she said.

  She then explained how the disgusting Dairy family, have recruited huge armies of milk-men who invade people’s houses very early in the morning in their evil electric powered milk-floats.

  “They force the weary residents to accept pints of milk and return the empties the next day - or else. These tactics of invasion before dawn have made it more difficult for people to appreciate the true greatness of orange juice. People who try to drive their cars to the supermarket in order to purchase oranges are so inconvenienced by the presence of ridiculously slow milk-floats on the road, that they often give up and go back home to drink milk”.

  David was quite amazed by Lady Orange’s story, but was even more amazed by what appeared to be a bazooka lying on the expensive looking fur rug.

  Bazooka:

  A destructive drainpipe, which can be loaded with fruits. The fruits explode and fly out of the drainpipe at devastating speed. Invented by a furious female called Betty Zooka.

  Lady Orange noticed David’s surprised look so started to explain about the daring mission, which would be taking place early next morning.

  “The plan is to get up very early in the morning and go on a milk-man hunt”, she said.

  This all sounded extremely exciting so David asked if he could join her. Of course Lady Orange would be more than pleased to have some reinforcements with her, and agreed to meet David first thing in the morning. David finished off his orange refreshments, said good-bye to Lady Orange and made his way home.

  The next day he woke up very early, peered out of the window into the darkness and could just about make out the shape of Lady Orange’s micro-car parked opposite. In the gloom it was just possible to see that the bazooka was now attached to the roof of the car. David pondered for a moment whether joining Lady Orange was a good idea or not, but quickly decided that this could definitely turn out to be another excellent adventure. He grabbed some breakfast (cereal with milk and a glass of orange juice) and quietly left the house without waking his parents. Lady Orange was already in the street by this time and shouted to David to get in the car before they missed the evil milk-men. David dived in and immediately noticed that the back seat was entirely filled with a large container of oranges, and that the boot was also stuffed full of oranges. There was also one lone coconut, which had been carefully placed on the rear shelf. Apparently the bazooka was configured to fire high-speed rounds of oranges, which could completely splatter a milk-float in 20 seconds. There was a big orange button on the dashboard marked ‘Hate Milk-men’ which fired the bazooka. Lady Orange then produced what looked like the controls to a remote control car. She pushed one of the levers, and David was amazed to see a mini spy helicopter take off f
rom the roof of the car. The ‘night-vision’ view from a camera mounted on the spy helicopter was transmitted directly to a screen on the dashboard as it hovered over the dark skies of Bottomhamsted, allowing Lady Orange to quickly locate any milk-men. Soon enough, the first milk-float was spotted in the next road so they trundled off down the dark street to intercept the first milk-man on his evil milk round.

  They cautiously approached the clattering milk-float from behind, which was moving very slowly down the road. On the dashboard was a ‘cross-hairs’ display, which is used to accurately pinpoint the enemy. Lady Orange lined up the milk-float in the cross-hairs and with much dignity she pressed the big orange button.

  B-BANG!! B-BANG!! B-BANG!! B-BANG!!

  There was a tremendous racket as the bazooka sucked up the oranges from the container in the back of the car, and blasted them at a manic rate directly into the back of the milk-float. Within the expected 20 seconds, the unfortunate float was completely splattered with oranges and most of the milk bottles had been smashed. The milk-man immediately jumped out and started expressing his disapproval by waving his arms around furiously. Lady Orange just turned the micro-car around and they sped away in search of the next milk-float. The milk-man was so angry about this