The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road, Page 3

David approached Studs’ house cautiously, aware of his neighbour’s fearsome reputation. The house had the same appearance as the others in the street, apart from the huge white skull which was painted across the front, and the words ‘DEATH TO ALL VISITORS’ written underneath. David decided this indicated a great sense of humour, and that it would be perfectly ok to visit. Lurking outside the front of the house was Stud’s enormous muscle-car, which looked as though it would definitely belong to a murderous individual.

  Muscle-Car:

  A very powerful and muscle-bound car used by bullies to frighten all the good citizens of the world. Not to be messed with.

  The rusty iron gate leading to the small font garden was covered in spiky barbed wire. Luckily, David managed to pass through this gate without suffering too many injuries. In the centre of the metal front door was a completely innocent looking plastic door-bell, so David proceeded to confidently press it.

  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

  Instead of the expected ‘Ding Dong’ there was the sound of an enormous explosion, and David was blown off his feet.

  Despite being completely dazed and baffled, he managed to stand back up. David looked around to see what devastation this explosion must have caused, but the birds were singing, the postman walked past whistling a happy tune and all seemed perfectly calm in the world.

  “Was that huge bang, really just the sound of the doorbell?” David thought to himself.

  He dusted himself down and looked back towards the front door only to be confronted by the vile and grotesque shape of Studs!

  “His face actually is covered in tattoos and he really does wear a Viking helmet!” thought David.

  This man sounded extremely scary from Mrs Wigglit’s description, but now face to face with the world’s second most violent man, David started to feel very nervous. His nervousness became so severe that he actually forgot why he was visiting Studs, and what he wanted to say to him. David even managed to forget his own name!

  “Did you try and blow my house up”? growled Studs.

  After some time, David re-gained some courage and said “Yes, I mean no, er I don’t know, I mean eerrr eeerrrr.”

  Studs thought this was most amusing and promptly produced a frying pan, ready to whack David in the face. Before this humorous event could take place, David’s fearlessness returned and he cheerily announced,

  “Good Afternoon Studs, my name is David. I am your new neighbour and I would like to meet you”.

  Studs was so stunned by David’s friendly introduction, that he immediately dropped the frying pan and started wobbling around like a drunk gorilla. Nobody had ever introduced themselves to Studs before and he was so shocked that he actually passed out. He plummeted to the ground with a huge thud, landing right on David’s foot! David tried desperately to pull his foot out from beneath the fallen giant, but Studs was just too heavy and his foot was completely trapped. Luckily, Studs soon made some grunting and burping sounds and started to regain consciousness, just as David’s toe was starting to feel decidedly numb.

  Studs slowly scrambled back on to his feet but instead of flying into the expected rage, he stood still for a few moments and looked very worried. He had somehow managed to convince himself that he was dead and needed to check into hospital for a body transplant. Despite being dead, he decided he would drive himself to hospital in the Muscle-car, taking David along with him for cat-spotting purposes.

  Studs really does not like cats since one gave him an evil stare when he was a child, so he is always looking for opportunities to try and frighten them with his muscle-car. He thought David would be a useful extra pair of eyes and alert him to any cat sightings, but as soon as David had climbed into the enormous vehicle, Studs spotted a cat in the road.

  ‘All cats must be run over’ is another one of Stud’s slogans and this is actually scribbled on the back of one of his overly studded jackets.

  As Studs is such a useless driver, he has never managed to run over a cat, but he keeps trying.

  Without warning, the muscle-car surged forward in fog of thunderous noise and tyre smoke towards the unfortunate cat. The cat appeared to be unaware of the monstrous peril bellowing towards it, and it really appeared that Studs would actually run over a cat for the first time in his life!

  “BLIMEY!” shouted David as the brave but stupid cat refused to budge out of harm’s way and just stared straight into Stud’s manic eyes.

  But then David noticed that the cat was actually a teddy bear, which had fallen off a delivery van on its way to the bear factory. Studs was too stupid to notice this and shouted “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha” as the teddy bear rolled unharmed under the car.

  “Serves that stupid cat right for giving me an evil stare” said Studs as they continued to roar down the street towards the hospital.

  At the hospital he parked the muscle-car in a space marked ‘Psychopaths’ and they both strolled into the hospital reception.

  “How may I be of assistance?” said the receptionist politely.

  “I‘M DEAD AND NEED A TRANSPLANT!!!” shouted Studs rudely.

  The receptionist raised an eyebrow and then another eyebrow. She whispered something in the ear of one of her colleagues and then pretended to make some phone calls.

  “Please wait here”, she said.

  David and Studs looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and sat down on a couple of well worn chairs. After spending some time lounging around on the scruffy chairs, a bespectacled brain surgeon arrived who managed to convince Studs that he was actually alive and that no transplant was necessary. However, the bespectacled brain surgeon provided Studs with a Zimmer-frame, which he might find handy when he was really old and wobbly. The brain surgeon had noticed that Studs was dangerous, so thought it would be wise not to let him leave empty handed. Studs really liked the idea of using the Zimmer-frame so thanked the brain surgeon and they both strolled back to the car, using the Zimmer-frame for extra stability.

  However, before Studs arrived at the car, he suddenly became furious when he noticed a lollypop lady standing on the other side of the road. Studs has never forgiven a certain lollypop lady for shouting at him when he was a small boy, and has hated all lollypop ladies ever since.

  Studs raised the Zimmer-frame above his head and chucked it as hard as he could at the lollipop lady, narrowly missing her. This was actually a big mistake as the giant lollipops carried by lollipop ladies can easily be converted into weapons, and anybody who annoys a lollipop lady is usually in big trouble. It is also true that lollipop ladies are very tough and not afraid of anybody, not even the world’s second most violent man. David dashed over and quickly picked up the Zimmer-frame before the lollipop lady could reach for her giant lollipop. He tried to apologise for Studs’ behaviour, but she was already very cross and preparing for a lolly attack. Studs and David dived into the car, still holding the Zimmer-frame and tried to get away but it was too late, the lollipop lady was now bashing the car with the giant lollipop and much damage had already been done. After receiving quite a few lolly-wallops, they managed to maneuver out of the hospital car park and speed off down the road to make their escape.

  That was enough excitement for one day, thought David and he hoped for a nice peaceful drive back home. He made himself comfortable in the wide leather seats of the muscle-car, closed his eyes and tried to relax.

  However, on the way back to Possum Road whilst they were stopped at some traffic lights, Studs noticed his arch enemy ‘Spikes’ pull up alongside them in his muscle-van.

  These two muscle-heads have a long history of violent battles and have often been seen fighting with each other. Not only have they been seen battling with traditional frying pans, but also with heroic gladiatorial weapons, such as maces, axes, broad-swords and even tridents. Now they had seen each other in their vehicles, there could only be one outcome and it would definitely involve pain and damage.

  The lights went quickly green and the two
muscle-vehicles charged away, waking David up in the process. Studs immediately tried to ram Spikes’ car off the road and into somebody’s garden shed! Spikes was totally unimpressed by this, so pushed Studs’ car into a toad swamp, where it ground to a halt.

  Spikes shouted Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, blew some raspberries, then drove off into the distance.

  Toad Swamp:

  An area of boggy unpleasantness infested by toad-like creatures. Wellies definitely required.

  The muscle-car was now covered in swampy slime, and toad-like creatures were sitting on the bonnet giving Studs evil stares. Studs was of course very angry about this and rummaged around for his frying pan. David thought he might be on the receiving end of a whack, so was very pleased when Studs jumped out of the car and started whacking everything else he could find instead. Firstly, Studs noticed a chocolate vending machine next to the road, so ran over to it and bashed it so hard that it burst open. Bars of chocolate went flying in all directions, causing a riot among the local chocoholics and greedy types.

  A vicar then appeared on the scene, on his way to raise some funds for the Bottomhamsted Fair. Studs threw the frying pan at him, and it hit him right on his nose, but this vicar was surprisingly hard and bashed Studs in the face with a heavy bible.

  Studs hates all vicars because when he was a young boy, a vicar clipped him round the ear