my sister said Zena’s in there, I know it
the doctor said no
but the OT said well, maybe she is
the OT said Zena, you look up when you mean yes, okay?
my sister said Zena, are you in there?
and I looked up and told her
yes
I read it aloud all the way through
look up OT on my cell phone
and skimming again
I feel my throat catch
Zena, is this true? I whisper
Zena looks up
I say
what a sister
and that OT . . .
man, they were definitely your angels!
and Zena looks up
I read it aloud again
and tell her I’ll type it up
for her
then I take out the two poems I found online
just before Samnang picked me up
one, by a Kaylin Haught
which now seems even more appropriate
about God saying yes
to this girl about things like
wearing nail polish
and being short
all in this hilarious voice
that Zena loves
and another poem
that I read aloud twice
about a person painting a room
before leaving one country
to start a new life in another country
in the poem
there’s a window
that seems to represent promise
or possibility
and I tell Zena I like that part the best
and I thought we could write poems about
what we’d like to see through a window
I do what Mr. Hays used to do
when he gave us writing prompts
and suggest we just think
for a few minutes
and while we do
I stare out her window
to a band of sky
above tops of bare trees
behind renovated mills
and think
of what I’d like to see out that window—
the silhouette of Mount Fuji
as the sun slides into it
like a coin into a bank
the way we’d see it from the
seawall at the marina
while Yuyake koyake chimes
on the loudspeakers
tell kids it’s time to go home
then I’m thinking of what I’d like to see
from Madoka’s grandparents’ windows
trees with new green
garden walls repaired
piles of debris
gone
and my thoughts jump around
from Kamakura
to Tohoku
to my mother
to Samnang
and Serey . . .
then I ask Zena if she’s ready and she looks up
so I start listing the colors and letters
and she begins to spell her poem idea
Zena spells:
What I See
the window
frames a view:
young woman
with husband
two small children
flanking them
an older man and woman
proud grandparents
all posing for a photograph
she stops
I say
is that the end?
and she looks up
I’m reading it over again
then notice she’s staring at the letter board
so I put my finger to it and say the colors
she spells y-o-u-n-g w-o-m-a-n i-s u
me? I say
and then I get it—
the far future
with my mother in it
and I nod and smile
well, then who’s my husband?
s-e-c-r-e-t
Zena spells
and growls with her
mouth wide
we don’t have time for my poem
because Samnang appears at the door
minus Serey, I note
and I apologize to Zena, saying
I have to go visit my mother
and Zena does that thing with her eyes
going up again and again and again
yes yes yes in affirmation
just like at the end of that poem
about the girl talking to God
so I bend down and kiss her
right on the temple
near her purple barrette
which startles both me
and her
see you next week I say
outside I ask Samnang about Serey
and Samnang says he’ll come back for her
after he takes me to meet my grandparents
and I apologize for troubling him
but he says it’s no problem
he’s glad to help
and likes driving Chris’s car
I ask him about Leap Sok
what they did today
and he says that Lok Ta Leap
was talking about before Pol Pot
when he lived in Battambang
after he left the temple where he was a monk
he was writing about climbing up
to these ruins at Wat Banan—
this temple with a long stairway of stone steps
he was trying to describe the view from the top
what kind of view? I ask
360 degrees
rice fields, sugar palms
villages, a river
nice I say
yeah he says makes me want to go there
Samnang asks about my mother
when she’ll be able to come home
and he’s just as nice as always
and I’m completely confused and wonder
did something change?
or did nothing change
and I was just a fool to think
he was somewhat interested in me before?
he doesn’t say a word
to explain Serey
and I don’t ask
Gram and Gramps are already waiting
at the gas station where we agreed to meet
Gram waves me over and hands me
oatmeal raisin bars for Samnang
which I hand him through his window
wanting to linger but wanting to go
then I nod-bow and he drives away
I climb into the backseat with Toby
and then we’re off to the hospital
where we park in an underground garage
take an elevator up and enter the corridors
and I try not to look left
or right or even, sometimes
straight in front of me
to avoid seeing needles
and tubes and fluids
we find Mom’s room
and she’s actually sitting up
and smiling for God’s sake
and we all go over to her
and kiss her in turn
and she’s asking me about Zena and Samnang
and wants one of Gram’s oatmeal bars
and I can’t believe a body can do this—
lose a part and act like
it’s nothing
I guess the surgeons do have
good tools
presurgery
Mom opted not to do
reconstructive surgery
I’m built small she’d said
I’m a runner
it won’t take much of a falsie
to match my other
and now I’m glad she decided
on fewer procedures—
the simpler the recovery
the better
I say aren’t you in pain?
and she says
some
but I’m on strong drugs
and slept a lot
and I’m so glad to see her cheerful
and to see the relief in her face
but as I’m standing there staring
at her
and the IV drip
that attaches to her hand
that pours stuff into her hand
and a tube running into her pajama top
I try to gaze hard at just her eyes
but they start going dark
and she sees me looking
then I hear her
from far away
saying
Emma?
when I come to
I’m lying on the floor
and my father is leaning over me
Toby’s on the floor beside Dad
pressing an ice pack to his forehead
and a nurse is telling me to
lie still
as she adjusts a rolled-up towel
under my head
because apparently I fainted
and knocked over Toby
who whacked his head on the wall
and then I struggled and thrashed
and hit my dad, too
Toby’s whining
jeez, Emma!
the nurse is saying
keep the ice pack on
Dad is rubbing his jaw
where I smacked him
Mom is saying
I’m so sorry, honey!
and Gram is saying
well, I was right on this one—
this visit was not
a good idea
Mom comes home the next day
and is there propped up with pillows
on the bed in YiaYia’s study
when I get back from school
she’s not cheerful
she’s hurting
and I’m careful to be quiet
when I’m with her
I help Dad with the stuff I can do—
get her water
take her snacks
adjust her pillows
but I stay far away
when the visiting nurse comes
and they’re dealing with
the dressings
and that drain thing
I go out for a run
hoping that if I run each day
sleep eight hours each night
eat on a regular schedule
I can fend off the migraine
that’s just waiting to sock me
after all this stress
as I run, my mind wanders
stuff I recall
stuff I have to do
and about halfway through the run
I suddenly remember
Halloween is Monday
which is
before
my next visit with Zena
and I promised I’d help
with her costume
so all through the second half of my run
I’m wondering how on earth
I can create a mermaid costume
that will fit on someone
who can’t move
back at the house I ask YiaYia
who loves crafting
and right away has ideas
so after I shower
we leave Dad with Mom
and go to a mall
we buy a camisole with built-in bra
then at a fabric store pick up
odds and ends from sale bins
and a couple yards
of shiny purple satin
on Friday after school
we plan it out
and on Saturday
we get to work
for real
YiaYia’s amazing
she sits with me, guides me
at her sewing table
which used to be in the den
but is now upstairs squeezed
into her bedroom
we cut the back of the camisole off
refinish the sides
sew shell shapes
over the boobs
then use our newspaper pattern
to fashion a mermaid body
and tail in purple
I try it on YiaYia
who holds her arms folded tight like wings
and keeps her legs immobile as she sits on a chair
I place the camisole top over her front
then drape the purple bottom over her lap
Velcro it to the tank
and arrange the tail
to cover her feet
when Mom wakes up
we seat YiaYia in the chair
beside Mom’s bed in the study
and show Mom what we’ve made
nice! she says
but you need something
for her hair
YiaYia and I look at each other
go back upstairs to the sewing machine
and create a shell of shiny purple fabric
to glue onto a barrette
Saturday night I Skype-call Madoka
from Mom’s computer in my bedroom
and Madoka’s voice is as clear
as if I’m two doors away
I tell her about Mom’s surgery
and ask if she can video-Skype
but she says she can’t now because of
extra band sessions and practice
for her private sax lessons
but she’ll figure out a good time soon
I tell Madoka about fainting in the hospital
and Zena and the mermaid costume
and I’m laughing and it feels so good
to speak Japanese again
even rushed and brief like this
but then Madoka interrupts
they found the body she says
what? your aunt?
on Monday
diggers found her
they identified her
by her dental records
and then the air leaves me
and I can’t speak and I’m gasping
and I squeak out why didn’t you say?
well, your mother’s surgery
anyway, there’s a service next weekend
we’ll be going up
I fumble for the right words in Japanese—
how it’s such a difficult thing
how I’m glad they can say a proper farewell
then I add light some incense for me, okay?
I have to go she says
I whisper take care
I clap a hand to my mouth
and it’s Toby who finds me crying
and I tell him this time
it’s good news
and bad
and together
we tell our mother and father
and my grandmother
and that night we light a candle
and set it on the table
in YiaYia’s kitchen
and bow our heads
to remember
I try to focus on Zena
and the costume
try to keep from thinking
of the little cousins
and their seven months missing
mother now found
and finally I call Samnang
to ask if he’s free on Sunday
to take me to see Zena
to give her the costume
but just as I ask him
I recall he has dance