The Language Inside

  never mind I start to say

  but he says sure

  if we go around noon

  I’ll see if I can get the car

  and I’m so relieved

  for his kindness again

  and then I can’t help it

  hope flickers inside me

  but then he adds

  I’ll ask Serey if she wants to come, too

  we can take Lok Ta Leap

  and Lok Ta Chea some sweets

  and I say to myself

                 WHAT was I thinking?

  Sunday we go early

  to YiaYia’s church

  and say prayers

  and light a candle for

  Madoka’s aunt

  under warm bands of light

  streaming in through arched windows

  I say my own farewell

  Serey and Samnang pick me up at noon

  and I climb into the backseat

  and don’t tell them about the aunt—

  I need a rest from all that ache

  in the front seat Serey is friendly and funny

  turning to chat and catch up with me

  and today that’s fine by me

  but it’s as if we’re old friends

  as if she has no clue that at least

  a few people think I “like” Samnang

  on the way we stop to pick up

  a plastic jack-o’-lantern to fill

  with stickers, a bendy spider

  barrettes and hair clips for Zena

  for Chea Pen and Leap Sok

  we get soft candies and chocolates

  but Serey and Samnang

  shake their heads at jack-o’-lanterns

  why? I say

  too creepy Serey says

  they look like heads

  or devils

  we sign in at the Newall Center

  visit the men first

  and there’s a sign on their door that says

  No Costumes! No Masks! PTSD

  PTSD? I say

  post-traumatic stress disorder Serey says

  and I’m relieved that I was so

  distracted by Madoka’s aunt

  that I didn’t make up my face

  green and wear a witch hat

  like I’d thought to do

  Chea Pen and Leap Sok are surprised

  to see us on a Sunday

  and with all five of us in the room

  it’s like a party

  Serey and Samnang give the men

  small bags of Cambodian

  and American sweets

  and some banana cake from Lily

  I take pictures

  of Serey and Samnang

  with Chea Pen

  then with Leap Sok

  and tell them I’ll print copies

  then we go to Zena’s room

  where the door is nearly closed

  so I knock and start to push it open

  but I pause because there is a girl there

                           sitting in a chair beside Zena’s chair

  I say hi, sorry to interrupt

  then to Zena

  I have something for you

  is this an okay time?

  and Zena looks up

  I introduce myself to the girl

  and say that I work with Zena on her poems

  and she says oh, the new poet

  I’m Sarah, Zena’s daughter

  my aunt couldn’t come

  and I try not to look so surprised

  I had no idea Zena had a daughter

  Samnang and Serey introduce themselves

  and I look at Zena and say

  your daughter is beautiful, like you

  Zena looks up, then toward the letter board in Sarah’s hand

  and I watch Sarah, too slowly

  like she doesn’t do this often

  run through the colors and letters

  for Zena to spell c-o-l-l-e-g-e . . .

  Sarah rolls her eyes

  I’m supposed to brag to you that I go to BU

  and I’m studying public health . . .

  then she squints hard at me

  I thought you were supposed to be from Japan

  I am I say lived there nearly all my life

  Samnang goes out for another chair

  so I can sit beside Sarah

  Serey sits on the edge of Zena’s bed

  Samnang leans against the windowsill

  and we chat and Zena seems to glow

  with all the company

  I hold up the plastic pumpkin

  and the paper bag and say to Zena

  Happy Halloween!

  I brought your costume—

  do you want to try it on?

  Zena looks up and growls

  so I set the pumpkin on her table

  take the costume from the bag

  and Serey helps me place the half camisole

  over her blouse

  then Sarah helps arrange the purple satin

  over her legs

  and I fan the mermaid’s tail

  over her feet

  and finally I pin the shell barrette

  in her hair

  Zena looks awesome

  and Sarah is laughing and clapping

  did you make that? you MADE it?

  and Serey pushes the chair

  before the mirror

  and Zena looks up so much

  she’s crying

  I wipe her tears with a tissue

  and we take pictures

                 me with Zena

                 Zena with Sarah

                 me with Zena and Samnang and Serey

                 Serey with Zena

                 Samnang with Zena

  and then we get an aide to take pictures of all of us

  before wheeling Zena out to the nurses’ station

  in the hallway

  everyone we pass

  claps

  and gives her a wow!

  or way to go, Zena!

  and Zena’s face is stuck

  in that broad grin

  I’m holding the letter board

  and she spells

  39

  and Samnang and I

  glance at each other

  and smile

  when we leave it’s 1:30

  and Samnang and Serey

  have to be at dance by 2:00

  so I tell them to go on

  I’ll get a bus

                 or walk

                           or call my grandmother or father

  Serey looks at Samnang

  and raises her eyebrows

  and when Samnang lifts his chin

  she says why don’t you join us?

  where? dance practice? I ask

  yeah, you can watch

  then come out with us after

  no, no, I don’t want to be in the way

  and I mean not so much

  at the practice

  as afterward

  but Samnang says

  come on

  then I’ll give you a ride home

  around six

  so finally I say okay

  and from inside the car

  in my place in the backseat

  on the way to Lowell

  I call YiaYia’s

  Dad answers and I realize

  this is a mistake, me going out

  considering Mom is recovering

  considering everything

  but he says go ahead, you need a break, have fun

  just text me when you’re leaving Lowell and . . .

  he drops his voice

 
call if you need me to come pick you up

  then I wonder

                 if this is a drinking thing

                 but somehow with Samnang I seriously doubt it

  then I wonder

                 if it might be just Samnang and me leaving Lowell

                 but somehow I seriously doubt that, too

  on the way into Lowell I ask

  so who will be there?

  and Serey and Samnang name the other dancers

  how long they’ve been with the troupe

  who are the strongest dancers

  who teaches younger kids now

  who dances with other dance groups

  and how the director is the grandson

  of a royal dancer and that he taught dance

  in the refugee camps

  they ask about me and dance

  so I mention ballet with Madoka

  the studio where I’d just started hip-hop

  the yosakoi dance team I joined

  and the soran bushi dance with movements

  of hauling fishing nets and tossing fish

  and I promise to show them videos sometime

  then I tell Serey she should show Zena

  her mermaid dance sometime

  and at the exact same moment

  Serey and Sam say yeah!

  Samnang parks

  we walk to the dance center

                 an old brick building

                 once a boardinghouse for mill workers

  and climb up a few flights of stairs

  we weave through little kids

  and even though they’re speaking English

  it’s like suddenly I’m somewhere in Asia

  someone tugs on my sleeve

  says hello! and it’s Lily

  surprised to see me there

  are you going to dance?

  I tell her I’ll just be watching

  Van is head-butting her

  and Lily scolds him in Khmer

  while Lena waves to me with one hand

  her arms wrapped around Serey

  have fun! Lily says

  we’re leaving now

  kids’ class is done

  but hey, when will you cook Japanese for us?

  and I laugh

  soon! I say, and think

  once Mom is better

  we’ll have a Japanese night

  Serey leads me to the director

  tells him I’m from Japan

  a friend of Samnang’s

  and I do sompeas

  may I watch? I ask

  he says sure!

  follows us to a large room

  and brings a chair for me

  you want to try? go ahead

  but I shake my head, say

  thanks, not today

  noting that not a single

  non-Asian dancer

  is assembling

  in that studio

  soon Serey says hey, everyone

  this is Emma

  she goes to Samnang’s school

  she’s going to watch

  so, anyway, be nice to her

  they practice the fishing dance

  like we saw on the DVD

  of Samnang’s performances

  they don’t use basket props

  or wear costumes

  but I recognize the movements

  the boys circling the girls

  the flirty advances by the boys

  the rebuffs by the girls

  they work on some movements

  one dancer leading them all

  then they turn on the music

  and God, I so want to join in

  I’m so reminded of soran bushi

  and some of the dances

  we do in the shrine yard

  near our house during Obon

  I watch Samnang and Serey

  and the others

  their hands

  their expressive fingers

  the way they turn

  tilt their heads

  move their eyes

  and again I am filled with envy

  that makes me ache for Japan

  all these kids moving together

  sharing their culture, their background

  here in Massachusetts

  it seems only Toby, my parents and I

  share my background

  and what I thought

  was my culture, too

  if we don’t go back to Japan this year

  will I lose it all?

  my nakami—

  my filling?

  after the fishing dance

  they work on another folk dance

  the coconut dance, Serey says

  though today they don’t have

  coconuts in their hands

  in smaller groups

  they do classical pieces

  the music slower

  then a teacher enters

  speaks to them in Khmer

  and soon it is Serey and Samnang

  dancing together

  and I can see right away

                 they are an amazing couple

                 their backs arched

                 their knees outturned

                 their eyes connecting

                 bodies sliding around one another

                 the flow so

                           natural

  when we leave the dance center

  the sky is going purple

  cold is setting in

  we head down the sidewalk

  a loose and trailing group

  and they’re all talking

  in small clusters together

  and I feel like an outsider

  wishing I were an insider

  I’m saying a few words

  to a girl called Nary

  attempting conversation

  when a couple stops me

  asking for directions

  I’m not from here I say

  and turn to Nary

  who asks Serey

  Serey explains to the couple the way

  to the street and restaurant they want

  then the woman thanks Serey and says

  where are you from?

  here, Lowell, I’m Cambodian

  and the woman says

  oh, I thought so!

  all cheerful

  you’re much too pretty

  to be American!

  I bristle

  but Serey smiles, polite

  and the couple goes away

  then after a minute I say to her

  you know, you can speak up

  say something

  when people say stupid stuff like that

  she rolls her eyes

  says right

  easy for you to say

  and it’s hanging there between us

  that I’m a white girl

  one of the guys

  calls out to her

  and she jogs on ahead

  while I slow

  Samnang drops back

  to walk with me

  you okay?

  fine I say

  lagging on purpose

  but he slows, too

  matches my pace

  when the others are ahead

  he takes my hand

  gives it a shake

  and says hey

  I look at him puzzled

  stop walking

  he’s still holding my hand

  without thinking I say

  Samnang, I don’t know what your
heys mean

  and I don’t know what this means

  looking at my hand in his

  he drops my hand

  and I think I’ve blown it

  with my only friend here in Massachusetts

  by my big fat blathering mouth

  he shrugs

  we start walking again faster

  so the others don’t keep looking back

  as we head to the cars

  before we catch up I say

  I’m sorry

  it’s been a hard week

  and I just blurt stuff

  when I speak English

  no problem he says

  but take it easy

  just have fun today, okay?

  so I decide to do that

  just have fun

  he says come on

  and I follow his lead

  and we run ahead

  to unlock Chris’s car

  I climb into the backseat

  Serey is up front next to Samnang

  with a girl named Kanya on her lap

  squeezed in with me are Sovann, Nary and Paul

  and the others all cram into a different car

  everyone’s laughing

  and finally I am, too

  and Samnang drives slow

  and super carefully

  the short distance

  to the restaurant

  which is Cambodian

  and I am in heaven

  as we drink tea

  and eat little lort noodles

  and papaya salad

  and soup which is like curry