Mom picks him up at Logan
and they are both there
waiting for me, then for Toby
to get home from school
and when we’re finally all together
we do a big goofy group hug
then Toby goes off to play soccer
like it’s the most normal day of the year
Mom and Dad and I
go for a walk as the sun sets
and Mom picks up leaves
crimson, russet and gold
and the cold settles down upon us
as I update Dad
on school
Model UN
and Zena
skipping right over
Samnang
neither of them mentions dinner at Chris and Beth’s
though Mom has probably filled him in
and maybe mentioned to him
something about Samnang
about Samnang and me
and what she might have thought
was
but actually
is not
Dad brought ingredients
for okonomiyaki
so when we get back to the house
he and I chop cabbage and scallions
peel and devein shrimp
mix the batter and cook
the big pancakes in a skillet
after we’ve started eating
Mom shuts her eyes as she chews
and tells us she could swear
she was back in Japan
but then a neighbor’s car alarm goes off
she opens her eyes, says guess not!
Toby says wait—close your eyes again
and he whispers for us to make Japan sounds
so we do—
train crossing gates
temple bells
ambulances
min-min cicadas
musical trash trucks
motorcycle gangs
whistling kites
five-o’clock chimes
train announcements
lost-elderly announcements . . .
all in a crazy messy sequence
that has us cracking up
and YiaYia shaking her head
until Toby decides to throw in
some farts and burps and
that’s the end of that
after dinner we go out for ice cream cones
because that’s what Mom wants—
peppermint stick with chocolate sprinkles
or jimmies as YiaYia and Dad call them
but when we get home
suddenly it’s not fun anymore
it’s time for going over all the details
of tomorrow
Mom’s bag for the hospital
the forms
the instructions for YiaYia
I go upstairs to the room I share with Toby
sit on the bed with a pillow and atlas for a desk
but instead of homework
I take out the notebook
I use with Zena
stare at a blank page
and finally write
the word I’ve been
avoiding
fear
and I think of other times
I’ve felt it
and write
floors and walls
ceilings and lights moving
when they shouldn’t
I turn the page
and stare at the paper
and think
and write
hope
then
outside repaired homes
Madoka’s cousins roll a ball
for a snowman
I think some more
and write
a missing breast
on a running woman
is hardly noticed
I’m about to turn the page
when my phone buzzes
and there’s a text
from Samnang
good luck to your mom tomorrow
will call after school to check
with no apology or explanation
about that girl Serey
and I suppose I’m glad at least
to have this much from him
I text back
39
Dad comes into the bedroom with Toby
and they sit down on the edge of my bed
and I put the phone
and notebook away
Dad holds us close
one on each side
kisses us in turn
tells us not to worry
we have a tough mother
and it’s a tiny bit of abnormality
that they want to remove so it doesn’t spread
and the prognosis is good, good, good
and we need to hold on to that word
good
the next morning we’re up early
Mom is wearing her bead necklace
and clutching the amulet
from Madoka’s mother
and she is smiling
and looking tough
like she’s headed out
for a road race
in the kitchen I hug her
Toby hugs her
YiaYia hugs her
then Mom doesn’t want any more of that, says
okay, let’s get this over with
Toby and I go out in our slippers
our fleeces over our pajamas
and wave as Mom and Dad
drive away in the dark
till the car’s rear lights
turn out of sight
and even a little after
Japan-style
then we go inside and start to wait
even though it’s not really time
to wait
we eat breakfast
watch TV
make tea
Gram and Gramps arrive
bake oatmeal raisin bars
and time crawls
finally I go for a run
around the hour
surgery is beginning
my cell phone in a pocket
the first mile or so
I feel wooden
like I should give this up
I slow my pace
nearly walk
but then my body clicks in
and I pick up speed
breathing
stepping
steady
thinking of Zena’s words—
but like eyes
even one
is better
than none
back at the house
I shower
get dressed
sit on the bed
and wait
I take out my notebook
picture Zena
in the Newall Center
every day
waiting
I write
a mermaid swims
through seaweeds wondering where
her legs went
then I can’t focus
so I stand
try pirouettes
later I open my notebook again
and write
barking dog
rides the wave to shore
then barks for more
and
Samnang!
so, who is this girl Serey and how long have
you been seeing her and what do you share
b
esides Khmer heritage and dance?!
because I realize suddenly Serey is probably
that girl who was dancing opposite Hanuman
I close my journal
try kanji practice
writing characters
in columns of fifteen boxes
column after column
to fill a page
then another . . .
until the phone rings
I drop the workbook
fly downstairs
and it’s Dad
saying Mom’s in recovery
all went well
with the surgery
and he’ll call again
in an hour or two
after she’s been transferred
from ICU to her room
I don’t know what to do for the next hour
so I open my dresser drawers
refold clothes
arrange my earrings in pairs
then go downstairs for lunch
which is moussaka
that YiaYia has made from scratch
the cinnamon
the meat
the potatoes
the eggplant
the topping
just right
finally we get another call
and Dad says Mom’s in her room
not quite herself but doing well
and she said she might even be up
for a visitor or two
late afternoon or early evening
after she sleeps
a visitor or two?
how can you remove
a significant part of a person’s body
and they can be talking
talking!
about having a visitor or two?
I think
there is something fundamental
I don’t understand about surgery
but suddenly I can breathe again
stop hunching my shoulders
and gritting my teeth
and I can’t help it
even though I know he’s in class
and won’t get the message till later
I take out my phone to text Samnang
and tell him
all good, surgery done
and I email Madoka
and tell her the surgery went smoothly
okagesamade—thankfully
Samnang calls as soon as classes are done
hey he says
but now I know
not to read too much
into that hey
hi I say
I share what we heard from Dad
and Samnang asks how I’m doing
much better I say
so, what do you think he says
you want to go see Zena?
I can pick you up on my way
and though I hadn’t planned on it
and I haven’t prepared poems
when he says this I realize
I’d love to see Zena today
I tell him okay if I can get home
in time to go to the hospital
in Boston with Gram and Gramps
they could meet us at that gas station
near the highway ramp he says
the one with the donuts—
we could get you there by 5:15
and in the back of my mind
I’m wondering why
he’s being quite this nice to me
if he has a girlfriend
YiaYia, Gram and Gramps
are all opposed to the idea
of me going anywhere
and of Samnang driving me
but I think that’s not fair
we call Dad
who consults groggy Mom
then Dad’s back on the phone saying fine
telling me to thank Samnang for his trouble
and warning me to make sure he drives carefully
and I’m glad I never shared
about Samnang’s drinking past—
this is enough
of the third degree
about half an hour later
Samnang pulls up
but when I go out to his car
I see there’s another person inside
up front
a girl
hi I say as I get in the back
and Samnang introduces me
to Serey
Serey’s going to help two women
at the Newall Center today
I nod
stunned to be in the car
with the two of them
Serey turns to me
Samnang told me about your mom
I’m sorry—I hope she recovers fast
I gulp some air
and say thanks
her presence
having taken me aback
and suddenly I’m so not wanting to be in that car
having so wanted a few minutes
alone with Samnang
even if he is
taken
then I ask
are you the dancer in that video
opposite Hanuman?
are you the mermaid?
you saw that? she says, surprised
and I say yeah, Samnang showed me
and I can see what seems like a flash of startle
as she glances at Samnang
I add quickly
you’re an amazing dancer
when did you start?
when I was five she says
and for the rest of the ride I keep her talking
about how at first she liked dancing
just for the friends and performances
but now she’s really committed to the troupe
and learning new dances, both folk and classical
especially after visiting Cambodia two years ago
and dancing for relatives who’d never seen the royal dancing
and after studying with master teachers who come to Lowell
from the Royal University of Fine Arts in Phnom Penh
I’m actually glad to be hearing Serey’s words
not just because it’s a relief
to know this girl of Samnang’s is interesting
but also because I’m too fragile
to say anything about myself today
maybe it wasn’t a good idea
to come after all
I want to curl up
take a nap
and I half wish
for a migraine
but when the car stops
I unbuckle, get out
and follow them inside
the Newall Center
where
as we go our separate ways
Serey seems to know her way around
when I get to room 448
Zena is in her chair
and she does this funny thing
looking up again and again and again
like hooray! hooray! hooray!
when I tell her the surgery was successful
and they didn’t find anything unusual
of course I say
there’s still the pathology report
and they took samples from the other breast
so we’ll have to see about that
which is something I haven’t told anyone else
I ask Zena if she has an incident poem
and she looks up
but then she points with he
r eyes
not at the letter board
but at what I realize is a screen
attached to her chair
and I move around so I can see it
and gasp to realize it’s a computer
with eye tracking? oh my God!
have you used it?
a l-i-t-t-l-e she spells slowly
moving her eyes
blinking to select letters
on the screen
l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g
cool! I say but be patient, okay?
new computers can be a pain
and I’m sure this is way more complicated
Zena looks up
then Zena spells that she’s t-i-r-e-d
and indicates she wants to use the letter board
so I follow the rows of colors
and write down her poem
picking up on the pattern
saving her having to spell
the same phrases over and over
Zena spells:
My Sister
my sister said isn’t she still in there?
the doctor said no
my sister said isn’t it possible her brain is fine?
the doctor said no
my sister said I think she’s crying
the doctor said no
my sister said I think she’s angry
the doctor said no