lizards, palm trees
hot
then Lily asks me to tell her about
our town in Japan
I say it has lots of temples
that there’s a temple at the end of our lane
and temple bells gong at six a.m. and six p.m.
I tell her it’s an old city
with ancient harbor stones off the beach
and hiking trails in the hills
and hidden cave tombs
and again I’m babbling
but I’m guessing
she must know what it’s like
to miss a place
so different from where you are
she asks about the tsunami
and I tell them about Madoka’s family
the aunt still missing
and how I wish I could be there helping
then I ask if Lily dances, too
the folk, the classical
no, I only tried it in the camps she says
refugee camps? I ask
Lily nods
some dancers who’d survived
taught us
Lily turns back to the stove then
which I think means
I shouldn’t ask more
so I ask Sam what he’ll be dancing
in the upcoming performance
some folk and I think one classical he says
get him to show you the DVDs
Beth says as she walks by
the one from the water festival
and the one from the state college
so after we finish making spring rolls
Sam takes me into Chris’s art studio
and we sit down in front of a beat-up desk
surrounded by Chris’s sketches tacked to the walls
and paintings leaning and stacked everywhere
Sam slides a DVD into a computer
and fast-forwards
and there he is onstage
dancing with some basket things
this is the fishing dance
those are fish traps he says
and suddenly I’m in another world
Toby comes in, leans over us, says
hey! like soran
which is exactly what I’m thinking—
soran bushi and other folk dances we learned
for school sports festivals in Kamakura
and that I later danced with a yosakoi team
Sam skips forward on the DVD
and then he’s a monkey with a mask
one of several onstage scratching, leaping
somersaulting, playing with his tail
doing cartwheels and back handsprings
and he’s lithe and athletic and amazing
then he skips again and says
here’s a classical dance—
not me, but maybe soon . . .
I want that part—Hanuman
and he points to a character in white
with a dagger and monkey mask
dancing opposite a girl
with an ornate gold tail
it’s from the Reamker he says
the Cambodian Ramayana
oh I say
and think
note to self:
learn about the Reamker
and Sam says
this is the part where Hanuman the monkey king
finds the mermaid who’s stealing the stones
for making the bridge to the island
where Sita is being held
and I look at Sam
who’s staring intently at the screen
and maybe, the girl
and I am suddenly filled with
envy and awe
and other feelings
that make my face go warm
then Beth comes in with Mom and Lena
and she asks Sam to go back to the monkey dance
and we watch that dance again to the end
then the music changes from classical Cambodian
to hip-hop and the monkeys break into crazy moves
and Van is jumping around mimicking them
when they all leave the room
I ask Sam to show me the fishing dance again
I tell him I learned some folk dances in Japan
and explain about my yosakoi team
how long have you been doing this? I ask
since I moved back to Lowell
when I was twelve
why didn’t you tell me? I say
and it sounds accusing
which is not at all what I’d meant
but it seems like such a big part of him
and I don’t know why but
I’m suddenly jealous . . .
the dance? the girl?
I had no idea you dance
so seriously, I mean
Sam says well, it’s hard to explain
Americans don’t get this
unless they see it
I bristle
Americans?
I’m American and I get it
and in Japan we dance folk dances
and Obon dances all the time
which is a stupid thing to say
because people hardly dance them
all the time
but I can’t seem to stop my tongue
not all Americans are the same
and anyway, you’re American
he skips the DVD back
to another classical piece
with five girls dancing
silver cups in hand
he turns from the computer to me
as the girls toss something from the cups
and waits until I look at him
hey he says
I swallow
glance at him
hey I say back
we return to the kitchen
and help his mother ready the feast
she speaks to him in Khmer
then switches to English
and back to Khmer
and suddenly I realize
from the way his mother speaks to him
from the way Chris and Beth speak to him
and from some forms and papers on the refrigerator
that say Samnang Gill
that “Sam” is Samnang
not Sam Nang
and I feel like a complete
and total
dodo
Samnang
Samnang
Samnang
I say to myself
and I wonder if I ever
actually called him Sam
to his face
Sam . . . Samnang offers me some juice
coconut or tamarind
I go for tamarind
and he pours from a can
into two glasses with ice
and gives me one
then in a corner of the kitchen
he lifts his glass to me and says softly
so the others don’t hear
here’s to different Americans
and I smile gratefully and
take a sip
and think
maybe, just maybe
he didn’t realize I was calling him
Sam
all this time
Lena and Van’s handkerchief skit
about a rabbit, goldfish and butterfly
who trick a noisy cicada
into being quiet
is followed by an amazing meal
set on mats spread on the living room rug
and Lily’s pleased to see
that we’re fine sitting on the mats
and that we love everything
Beth tells me it’s great that I’m running
to help eliminate stress and asks if I experience
creative bursts during migraines
but I shake my head
not so far
Mom asks Chris about his painting and design work
the classe
s he teaches at an art school
Lily asks Toby to teach her some Japanese words
Samnang talks about his upcoming performance
Van is begging for more handkerchief tricks
and though I’m eating foods I’ve never eaten before
and though we’re with a family in Massachusetts
we’ve never dined with before
this is the most I’ve felt at home
since we left Japan
then partway through dessert
Lily makes some reference
to Samnang’s friend Say-something
asks about her twisted ankle
and how she’s dancing
I keep my eyes on the coconut pudding
my spoon slicing through it
ask how do you spell that?
so I don’t make any more name mistakes
and Lily says S-e-r-e-y
it means freedom
but in my peripheral vision
I catch Chris and Beth glancing at me
and at Sam . . . Samnang
and I can practically feel him
tensing on the mat beside me
Samnang says something to his mother
in Khmer
she answers him sharply
in Khmer
and he says something back
and I am no dummy
I notice
when Chris abruptly changes the subject
and talks over Lily when she tries to say
something further on the subject of Serey
later, when we leave
Samnang hangs back by his mother
and Beth walks beside me to the car
and whispers sorry
I’m not quite sure what that was all about
but nobody needs to tell me
what it’s all about
Sunday I wake up way too early
in a way foul mood
and I wish things were as simple
as flicking switches
some thoughts on
some thoughts off
I find Samnang Gill on Facebook
but don’t friend him yet
I go for an early-morning run
and do sit-ups
and push-ups
and other self-inflicted punishment
I decline YiaYia’s offer to go to church
not really wanting to be near Lowell
just in case I see Sam . . . Samnang
I’m hoping Samnang will text
and say something like
sorry about that Serey stuff
she’s just my cousin
or something else to deny
that he has a girlfriend
then just after I’ve showered and dressed
Toby flies into the room
with the computer open
and there is Madoka
waving at me
oh my God! I say
you forgot! she says didn’t you!
behind her are Kenji, Shin and Kako
and they are all laughing
because my hair is not even combed
and I really did forget that we had
emailed and agreed on this time
it’s so weird to see them there
in Madoka’s living room
while I’m here in YiaYia’s house
and we all start talking at once—
they’re asking questions
I’m asking questions
and the words get Skype-garbled
slow down! I tell them
they ask about my school life
and how much I weigh
and then they all cover their ears
like I’m talking too loud
finally when I ask Madoka
about her grandparents and relatives
the others are quiet
Madoka says they’re doing okay
that it’s getting cold up there
that her grandparents will visit
Kamakura at New Year’s
your aunt? I ask
not yet she says
meaning they still
haven’t recovered
her body
then Madoka’s mother appears
Emma-chan, how are you?
take good care of your mother!
then her mother leaves
Shin and Kenji say good-bye
Kako, too
it’s already ten-thirty at night there
and they need to go home
then, when it’s just Madoka and me, she says
you know . . .
when your mom finished talking with my mom
and your mom gave the computer to Toby
as Toby was walking upstairs with the computer
Shin asked Toby if you have a boyfriend yet
and Toby said . . . well, maybe
I groan
no!
he said yappari—of course
so? do you? Madoka asks
tell Shin it’s not even a maybe I say
but Madoka’s brows are raised
her eyes bore into mine
at least not yet I add
and then we’re laughing
and I tell her all that’s been going on
with school, and Zena, and dance club pirouettes
and fouettés and a little about Samnang
Madoka theorizes that Serey is Samnang’s
stepsister or aunt or daughter
and we’re yakking almost as fast
and crazy as if we were in the same room
and she’s saying don’t worry about Shin
because he’s got his eye on some girl in the archery club
then Mom comes in to announce that my grandparents
have arrived from Vermont
and I have to tear myself away from Madoka
to step back into America
Gram and Gramps
my mother’s parents
hug us and hold our hands
and once I’ve combed my hair
they drive Toby, Mom, me and YiaYia
to Newburyport where we walk along
the waterfront and among the old houses
we’re at the mouth of the river
the exact same one that flows through
Lowell and YiaYia’s town
but here I can’t stop gulping the air
because it smells of the sea
at the restaurant where we stop for lunch
Gram and Gramps, who’ve visited us in Japan
ask about Madoka
and our cat Shoga
and Toby’s friends
and if I’m keeping up my Japanese
and what foods we miss most
and if I’d like to come visit them in
Vermont for part of the winter break
for once I don’t waste my energy
thinking I might not be here then
I tell them sure
even though I don’t like winter
and all the gear you have to wear
and I’ve only ever been to Vermont
in summer
we’ll make skiers of you yet says Gramps
and Toby fist-pumps
and when he kicks me
I do a mini fist pump, too
Gramps presents Toby and me
with wooden boxes he made with hinged lids
all decorated with carvings of ferns
to hold your American treasures Gram says
they’re beautiful I say, then joke
but everything here is so big
Gramps says true
but I’m sure you’ll find some small treasures
mementos of your time here
I tell him that later
I’ll pick up a shell or pebbl
e
or something to remember
this day in Newburyport
for my first treasure
then YiaYia and Gram and Gramps
present my mother with the long necklace
made of all different size and color beads
each bead
from a friend
or relative
all mailed in little packages to Gram
strung together on a silk cord by YiaYia
to give Mom strength
and positive thoughts
during surgery
Mom is quiet and gives
YiaYia, Gram and Gramps long hugs
and the waitress goes teary
when she learns the significance
of the hugs
the beads on the table
and the illustrated key to each bead
that Gramps created
finally the sting
of all that Serey talk is dulled
and I forget about Samnang
and stop thinking about Shin
and what Toby said to him
and whether Madoka’s relatives
feel abandoned by us
because I know
this is what I needed
and Mom needed today—
family
the day before the surgery
Dad arrives