Mr. Scraggs, Page 2

  II

  IN THE TOILS

  Mr. Ezekiel George Washington Scraggs, late of Missouri, later ofUtah, and latest of North Dakota, stood an even six-foot unshod.He had an air of leanness, almost emaciation, not borne out by anyfact of anatomy. We make our hasty estimates from the face.Brother Scraggs's face was gaunt. Misfortune had written there, ina large, angular hand, "It might have been"--those saddest words oftongue or pen. The pensive sorrow of E. G. W.'s countenance hadmisled many people--not but what the sorrow was genuine enough(Scraggsy explained it in four words, "I've been a Mormon"), butthe expression of a blighted, helpless youth carried into earlymiddle age was an appearance only: I mean it was nothing to bank onin dealing with Zeke. Still, if you could see those eyes, dimmedwith a settled melancholy; those mustachios, which, absorbing allthe capillary possibilities of his head, drooped like weepingwillows from his upper lip; and above, the monumental nose--thatspringing prow that once so grandly parted the waves of adversecircumstance, until, blown by the winds of ambition, his bark wascast ruined on the shores of matrimony--you would not so much blamethe man who mistook E. G. Washington Scraggs for a something nottoo difficult. Red Saunders said that Scraggsy looked like aforlorn hope lost in a fog, but when you came to cash in on thatbasis it was most astonishing. In general a man of few words, onoccasions he would tip back his chair, insert the stem of hiscorncob pipe in an opening provided by nature at the cost of atooth, and tell us about it.

  "Scraggsy looked like a forlorn hope lost in a fog."]

  "Why can't people be honest?" said Mr. Scraggs--_Silence_!

  "Charley!" cried Red, reproachfully, "why don't you tell thegentleman?"

  "No, no, no!" replied Charley. "You be older'n me, Red--youexplain."

  "Well," said Red, "I suppose the loss of their hair kind ofdiscourages 'em."

  "I had rather," meditated Mr. Scraggs, "I had much rather wear thetop of my head a smooth white record of a well-spent life than goamblin' around the country like the Chicago fire out for a walk,and I repeat: Why can't people be honest?"

  "I begin to pity somebody an awful lot," said Red. "Did you sendhim home barefoot?"

  "You go on!" retorted Mr. Scraggs. "I fell into the hands of theFilly-steins oncet, and they put the trail of the serpent all overme. I run into the temple of them twin false gods, Mammon andGammon, and I stood to draw one suit of sack-cloth and a four-mulewagon-load of ashes."

  "Is them the close you got on now?" said Charley. "And what didyou get for the ashes?"

  "The play come up like this," said Scraggs. "After my eighteenthbestowin' of the honored name of Scraggs upon a person that didn'tappreciate it the Mormon Church see fit to assume a few duties onme. I was put in a position of importance in a placer minin'districk inhabited by jack-rabbits, coyotes, Chinamen, and Mrs.Scraggses. And still I wasn't happy. Them jack-rabbits et up mylittle garding patch; the coyotes gathered at nights and sung meselections from the ghost dance; the Chinamen sprung everycon-cussed trick on me that a man who wears his whiskers down hisback can think of; and day and night alike, Mrs. Scraggs, from oneto eighteen, informed me what I'd ort to do.

  "I tried to strike up a little friendly conversation with theChinks, for variety, but it weren't no use. A Chinaman'll be aMormon, or a Democrat, or a cannibal, or any other durn thing forfive cents, sixty days from date. He ain't got any more naturalconvictions than a Missouri River catfish. They'd just keepa-watchin' my face so's they could agree with me. Now, I didn'twant that. I wanted to get up an argument with somebody I couldsass back, because in my own house, where I was lord and master, ifI happened to remark it was a nice, bright day everybody swore youcouldn't see your hand before your face, and I let the subject dropright there. Mrs. Scraggs quar'led some among herself, but when Icome in her motto was, 'United we stand him on his head, anddivided we fall upon his neck.' When she done the last, of a stillday, you could hear the crack of my cervycal vertybree three mile.

  "So, at last, I wearied. I writ a letter to the Elders tellin' 'emI enjoyed the work, but thought it was time for my spirit ofself-sacrifice to exercise himself a little. So would they mindgivin' me another job? Somethin' like lyin' on a board and havin'a doctor rip-saw chunks out of me for the benefit of Science, andlet him lose the pieces, for all I cared.

  "The Mormon Church, she come to my relief by sendin' me out on aproselytin' expedition to York State. But I wasn't built proper tolead errin' sheep into the fold. Most of the sheep they hollered'Baa!' when they see me, and gathered distance with both feet. IfI did get a chance to talk to a man he always asked me awkwardquestions. Like one old farmer, whilest I was explainin' theadvantages of havin' as many helpmates and cheerful companions anddomestic joys as possible, busts into me by takin' holt of my coatand askin' so confidential I couldn't lie to him, 'How do you findit yourself?'

  "'The Lord be good to fools!' says I. 'You got _one_ now, ain'tyou?'

  "''M ya-a-as,' says he, without anything you could figger as wildenthusiasm in his voice; 'I hev.'

  "'Well,' says I, 'multiply one by eighteen, and let's have a drink.'

  "'I had to send word to the Elders that Books of Mormon weren'tlooked upon as popular readin' in the outlyin' districts, so shouldI come home, or try New York City? They sends me word back,wishin' my work to prosper, to try New York City, but not to drawon 'em for any more funds until I had a saved sinner or two to showfor it. Well, sir, this last clause jolted me. I had spent moneyfree among them farmers, to boom trade, and for the purchasin' offancy clothes, more to look at than be comfortable in, the ideebein' to show how good a thing the Church of Mormon was to thefirst glance of the eye. And now, after side-trackin' my railroadfare home, I weren't wadin' in wealth, by no means. More'n that, Iunderstood that the city of New York was a much more expensiveplace than St. Looey. So I writ a letter back, tellin' 'em I wasscatterin' seed so's you could hardly see across the street. Thereweren't no hope for a crop unless I had more plain sowin'material--please remit.

  "And then they come back at me, sayin' I'd already cost thecommunity about four hundred and fifty dollars, and not even aDutchman by way of results. That I'd understand this weren't saidin no mercenary spirit, but just as a matter of business. Theywould hold a prayer-meetin', they said, which, no doubt, wouldbring the end aimed at, and for me to go forth strong in the faithand gather 'em up from the wayside.

  "I let fly oncet more, sayin' that I was strong in the faith butfeeble in the pocket; that sinners were costly luxuries in a bigtown like New York. How was I goin' to play the Prophet and standthe man off for my board?

  "Elder Stimmins wrote back pussonally, exhortin' me to be of goodheart, sayin' further that the days of miracles weren't past; atany moment the unrepentant might get it in the conscience--andsigned himself my friend and brother in the church, with a P. S.readin':

  _Dear Zeke_: My wife Susan Ann will continner to have high-stukestill I produce a grand pianny. Mary's after a dimint neclas, andmy beluvid spous Eliza (that's the carut-heded one lives down bythe rivver) will put sumthin' in my food if she don't git a golwatch and chane. Tomlinson's fust three ar rasin' Ned fur newhousis, hors and kerige, and the like. The new ones is moreamable, but yellin' fur close and truck. Uncle Peter Haskins'latest is on the warpath fur a seleskin sak, and so on and soforth. You know how it is yourself, dear frend and bro., and we arbroke, so I incurrige you to keep your hart stout, your faithintack, and hunt up a poker-game sumwheres, becus we honest ain'tgot the money.

  SAUL STIMMINS.

  "'Well!' says the cookee, when he heaved the egg into the coffee,'that settles it!' And that settled me. I sure did know how itwas myself. If there was any man in or out of the Territory ofUtah that knew how it was myself, I and him was the same indivijool.

  "I took thought of Mrs. Scraggs out there all alone by herself,with her darlin' Zeke entirely out of reach, and while I don'trecommend the idee of jollyin' yourself by gloatin' over themisfortunes of others, I thinks this her
e state of affairs could beworse, and I went forth strong in the faith to New York City,feelin' I might encounter some kind of quick action, like BrotherStimmins prophesied.

  "And there, you see, is where sinful feelin' in me turned me overto the enemy, bound hand and foot, gagged and blindfolded. Who wasI to exalt myself agin the smart young men of New York City? Howcome it the foolish notion buzzed in my cockloft that, like Samsonof old, I might fall upon the adversary, hip, hurrah, and thigh,and of the fragments that remained gather seven bushels? Pridegoeth before destruction and a naughty spirit before a fall. Up Isasshays to my hotel bedroom to take account of resources. Mightyslim they was. In the false bottom of the trunk was a pocketbookthat looked like the wheel of progress had passed over it, and alittle sack of nuggets--that was all. Them nuggets was the prideof my life. I didn't buy 'em from the Chinaman that offered, but Icome horrible near it. And yet that Chink had the innocentest facein Utah; he might ha' stood for a picture of Adam before Eve cast ashadder on his manly brow. I don't recall anything that's moredeceivin' than appearances, yet what in the world's a man to go by?Well, them nuggets ort to said to me, 'Young man, beware! Bewarier than John H. Devilkins himself! All that's heavy and yalleris not gold. Sometimes a patient Chinaman, flappin' of the flieswith his pigtail, will industrusly manufacture that same perschedule out of common, ordinary lead, and, by exercisin' the artof gildin', almost whip-saw people by the name of Scraggs, if so ithadn't 'a' been their gardeen angel moved 'em to try a sample withthe edge of a knife.'

  "Was I warned? Well, I dunno, anyhow, I trotted myself out to thestreet to see what this here Metropolus business had to offerdifferent from just plain St. Looey.

  "And I found out. Dear friends and brothers, I wonder have youever seen a man reachin', reachin' for a playin'-card layin'prostrate on the table before him, when his last chip is in thepile, his last cent in the chip, all manners and kinds of billscomin' due tomorrow, the house to close in fifteen minutes, andhopin' that card is just one more little two-spot? Are youfamiliar with the lines of anggwish on his face? Well, of all thehullabaloo, skippin', flyin', pushin', haulin', rompin', tearin',maulin' and scratchin' messes I ever got into, that street was theworst. At the end of fifteen minutes I had no life in me above myfeet, and they was simply slidin', the one before the other,without any aim or purpose. I stood on a corner clawin' hunks offog off my intellect. In two minutes more I'd ha' yearned for Mrs.Scraggs and Home. I lost all intention of drawin' sustenance outof the inhabitants, when all of a suddent up steps one of thesebrisk, smart, zippee-zippee-zizoo-ketch-me-if-you-kin young cityfellers, the kind of lu-lu joker to go through a countryman like alightnin' express through a tunnel, leavin' nothin' but the holeand a little smoke, and says he, in a hurry:

  "'Sorry to have kept you waitin', Mr. Johnson, but knowin' how muchit meant to both of us, I----Oh, I beg your pardon!' says he; 'Imistook you for a friend of mine--no offense, I hope?'

  "Now, this same person had on a soup-pot hat that looked borrowed,and he wore his clothes like he used 'em for a hiding-place, buthow was a plain jaybird like me to notice that? I was almightylonesome, too, so I told him there weren't no offense at all.Well, he apologized again, and then he begun to laugh, it was soridiklus, his mistakin' me for Johnson, that he'd knew all hislife, and he says, 'I'll tell you what I'll do; we'll step acrossthe street and tone up our systems at my expense, thereby wipin'out any animosity.' So, of course, rather than be peevish, I doneit. Then I tried to wipe out some animosity, but he wouldn't haveit. Nobody must buy but him. I explained--givin' myself deadaway--that I was a stranger, with nothin' to do but hate myself todeath, and he was defraudin' me of a rightful joy. But no, sayshe. I might be a stranger, or I might not. Personally he thoughtI'd resided some time in New York City, by my looks; if that was soI knew perfectly well he was only follerin' the customs of theplace, and if I _was_ a stranger it was up to him to do right byme, anyhow. So we grew one degree stronger with no cost to Utah.And we stayed there, gettin' powerful as anything, and kind ofconfidential, too, till finally he felt called upon to explain hisbusiness with this man Johnson. He took me into a back room to doit.

  "'Mr. Scraggs,' says he, 'there's things betwixt Heaven and Earththat ain't dreamt of on your velocipede, Horatio.'

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I.

  "'Sh-h-h,' says he, 'not so loud. Here's the opportunity of alifetime goin' on the loose for want of a man. That durn Johnsonhas lost his golden show. It's a very strange story,' says he.

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I. He looked at me a minute, but Lord! How was apoor Mormon to hold suspicions? So he goes on.

  "'At first,' he says, 'you might git the idee there was somethin'jubeeous in these preceedin's, but there ain't. I knew a man thatonce upon a time was the honestest man ever lived. Honest? Why,I've known that man to go to bed weepin', he felt so bad to learnGeorge Washington stole a march on the enemy. "I never would havebelieved it of George if it hadn't been in the book," he says.That's the kind of a man he was--just your sort to a dot. Well,sir, he has an honest claim agin these United States for damage andraisin' the divil with his farm durin' the Civil War. And do yousuppose these here United States, _E Pluribus Unum_, In God WeTrust, paid that bill? Not on the tintype of your grandfather.When he goes to Washington with it, the President he says, "Now,I'd pay you this in a minute, Billy," he says, "but think of themCongressmen!" and the President he shakes his head and Billy comeshome again. And from that time on, before his very eyes, he has tosee his widder and eighteen helpless children die of starvationthrough not havin' enough to eat, right in front of his face--ain'tthat fierce?' says he.

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I.

  "'Well, at last this man gets a job in the Treasury; it didn't paymuch--just enough to live on. He had charge of the banknotesbefore the Secretary signs 'em, to make good. Now, here comes inthe curious part of it: my friend's handwritin' and the Secretary'shandwritin' was that much alike neither man could tell one fromt'other. This gives my friend the idee of how to break even withUncle Sam. He just naturally laid his hooks on ten thousanddollars' worth of one-hundred-dollar notes and flew the coop,waitin' to sign 'em and dispose of 'em at leisure, thus payin' hisown claim. But here comes a hitch; after he done it his consciencebit him; the notes was good; he passed a lot of 'em with notrouble, but he quit on the play. Now, if some good, honest man,yet not quite so honest as all that, wanted to turn a dollar, hecould buy two thousand dollars' worth of them bills for one hundredordinary cold money. It's this way, too,' says he. 'It ain't onlyconscience; the old man's mortal scart; he's always dreamin' ofSecret Service men comin' in on rubbers. Now, ain't that anopportunity?'

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I.

  "'Well,' says he, lookin' at his watch, 'it's now my time to eat,Mr. Scraggs, and I've took up so much of your valuable timechinnin' here, I don't feel I could do less than share my simplerepast with you. I'm a stock-broker myself,' he says, 'but none ofthese durned rich ones, so if you can stand for once to eat a mealnot exceedin' five dollars in price, why, come along!' says he.

  "Then we went into a high-toned vittel dispensary, I bet you.Jeemima! but she was gold and white paint to knock your eye out.I'll never tell you what I et, but it was good food. And to windup, come little cups of coffee and big seegars. It was beautiful.Then says my man, 'Well, this is a day in a hundred. I can't tellyou how good it makes me feel in this city of sin to come across asquare man like yourself--what do you say to a bottle of wine?'

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I. With life ripplin' along like this I wasendorsin' the whole time-table.

  "Wine is a mawker. The first small glass of it hadn't gonewhistlin' down afore she begun to mawk me. 'Ezekiel!' says she,'be merry; disport yourself--where's your game blood? Try a fallwith this gentleman.'

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I to myself. And then I says aloud and hearty,'My friend, you've used me right. It ain't that I want to makemoney, but just to help your friend along; I haven't any greenbacksmuch in my possession, bu
t,' I says, 'if you're willin' to arrangea dicker, whereby I exchange eighteen ounces of nuggets--thepresent market value of Chink Creek gold bein' seventeen dollarsand forty cents per ounce--for two thousand dollars of yourfriend's bills, it bein' herein stated and provided that you canpass 'em like you say you can to my satisfaction, why, I'm yourlittle huckleberry, waitin' to get picked.'

  "'I got you,' says he, and we shook hands. 'You go to your hoteland bring the dust,' says he, 'and I'll slide along and make theold man sign the bills. I'll meet you on the corner where we metbefore.'

  "So I met him on the corner, and we went up-stairs to a room wherea little old man was signin' bills fast and furious.

  "'Slide out one,' says my friend, 'till I take Mr. Scraggs out andprove I'm no liar.'

  "The old man carefully blotted a hundred-dollar green and away wegoes to a bank. It was a sure-enough bank. Outside was the namein big letters and inside was the man called 'teller' that won'ttell you nothin' and looks as if he hated you, like all good bankshas.

  "'Fives and tens for this, please,' says my friend. That tellernever quit thinkin' of his dyspepsy, but chucked the stuff rightover the counter.

  "'How's that?' says my friend, when we got outside.

  "'All right,' says I. 'And here's my plunder.' I let him heft thebag.

  "'Heavy truck, ain't it?' he said. 'But we can always stand theweight, can't we?' He picked out one of them glitterin' Chineseworks of art and regarded it real lovin'. 'Yes,' says he, 'it'ssure nice stuff. Hurry along and we'll close the dicker.'

  "Up-stairs the old gent had the money ready for me to count.

  "'Correct?' says he.

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I.

  "'Well, I'll put 'em in a neat bundle for you,' says he. When thatwas done I handed my precious gold over.

  "'Now, come here and have one last drink of satisfaction,' says myfriend. I turned to the table and imbibed my last tonic at hisexpense.

  "'Here you are, sir,' says the little old man, handin' me mypackage. 'And much obliged to you; only remember this: SecretService men is all about; don't open her till you get safely inyour room--mind that, now! Good-day.'

  "Down the steps I goes, ker-thump, ker-thump. But when I reachedthe street I begun to wonder to myself if I hadn't better just seewhat those fellers would do next--no harm in ketchin' on to as manycity ways as possible--so I hid under the stoop till they come out,glancin' sharp this way and that, but missin' Ezekiel GeorgeWashington.

  "Up the street they skips; me after 'em, soon's I could, safe.Round the corner they goes. Me, too. And then they sasshays intoa joolry shop. Here I thought I'd stay outside.

  "My friend, after some talk, passes a big nugget over the counter.The joolryman he bores into it with a file and hands it back. Younever see a face more contemshus than his'n. Then some kind ofargyment broke out, arms a-wavin'; windin' up by the joolrymanraspin' pretty near every nugget in the heap. Each pass his facegot more contemshus yet. Finally he swept the whole business backin the bag, throws it at 'em and intimates they can leave at anytime.

  "They left. I never heard such language in my life! It ortn't beallowed in a large city. Why, that friend of mine, he heaved thebag of nuggets in the gutter and he raised up his hands, and justas sure as I sit here tellin' you about it, friends and brothers,he made a Fourth-of-July speech five minutes long, and neverrepeated himself once! I wouldn't go near him, feelin' in hisexcited state of mind it might lead to trouble. The little old manat last dragged him away.

  "I picked up them poor mishandled treasures in the gutter, for oldacquaintance sake. And surmisin' it probably wouldn't hardly beworth my while to wait till I got to the hotel to sample myprize-package, I opened her on the spot.

  "Well, there's no use in talkin'. Them fellers were a pair ofscoundrels. Instead of anything that looked or smelt or soundedlike money in that parcel, was nothin' but a lot of newspapers cutinto strips, with a note on top of 'em bearin' these insultin'words:

  "'_There's a sucker born every minute_.'

  "Then I counted up on my fingers fourteen drinks and onefive-dollar dinner, and says I to myself:

  "'Ya-a-as,' says I, 'I don't reckon but what that's true.'"