Well CVs aren’t really on-brand for me anyway
I’m more interested in people’s vibes than the jobs they’ve done before meeting me.
LUCY rips up the CV.
So maybe you could describe your vibe to me in a few words?
ROSIE
My vibe?
I’m sorry I don’t really understand
Could you –
What exactly do you mean?
LUCY
Okay no sure
So currently my team is made up of girls with vibes that really complement each other
Cressy’s vibe is that she’s super-creative with budget and always manages to make things beautiful super-cheaply.
Ahm Marni’s vibe is that she’s the intern,
And of course my vibe is that I’m super-organised and super-busy
So how do you think your vibe could complement and fit in with the rest of the team’s?
ROSIE
Okay
Um they all sound like they’ve got great vibes
Mine I guess is more
Well I suppose my vibe would be kind of –
I’m really organised
LUCY
No that’s my vibe.
ROSIE
Sorry
Okay um well I’m really good at working well under pressure
And being on time
And also included in my vibe is –
I make a great cup of tea
LUCY
I actually only drink Nespresso.
Okay okay Rosie
Cool
Interesting
Yah so the thing is
My brain’s full
Isn’t it Timmy?
And we’re just so busy aren’t we Timmy?
I’m swamped at work at the moment you know
We’ve got things in pre-production, filming and in post all at the same time
And poor Timmy is run off his feet
So we need someone who can just
Be our brain
You know
Make sure we have food in the house
Organise our travel
Look after our property
And sometimes I’ll need you more and then other times Timmy will need you won’t you Timmy?
So it will just depend on what’s going on and who needs you more you know
One day you could be on set with me
The next you could be flying to Bali with Timmy
But I guess –
Oh no Timmy go on
Were you going to say something?
No okay
Well I was just going to say
We’re really fun
Aren’t we Timmy?
And we want you to have fun working with us you know
And hopefully you can learn something from us you know
And it’s not all work and no play
We have the summer social of course when we all go to Glastonbury
And we like to treat you all occasionally don’t we
Timmy?
I mean for example
This year we took the girls to a jelly-sculpting class
It was really immersive
We work hard but we play even harder don’t we
Timmy?
Okay great, well I guess we should order an Uber then Rosie and head back to the office
Got to start blending your vibe with the rest of the team
Timmy can you please get a haircut today
I won’t take you away at the weekend until you’ve had a haircut
Don’t you think he needs a haircut Rosie?
ROSIE
Um welll –
LUCY
Exactly
Now off you go bubsy
Love you
Do you love me?
Bubsy do you love me too?
Good now off you go
Straight to the hairdressers’.
4.
We’re in LUCY’s office. There is a swivel chair and a desktop keyboard that sits on the actor’s lap while they are on the chair. [In the original production, the swivel chair moved each time the character changed to represent where they sat in the office.] MARNI is ‘Valley Girl’ American and CRESSY is posh British.
MARNI
And then I was like really?
You know I have a lot of issues around Chipotle and you’re gonna say that to me?
Like what an A-hole.
CRESSY
Yah totally.
He’s such an arsehole.
You really should drop that like a hot potato and run a mile Marn.
MARNI
I feel like he doesn’t respect my energy
He doesn’t respect my passions
And he isn’t even committed to my chakra
CRESSY
No.
Fuck that shit.
MARNI
Like if I want to bless the energy above our bed before we make love
I should be able to do that.
He just needs to practise patience
You know?
CRESSY
Absofuckinglutely.
Whilst we’re on that, can you give me an update on our Christmas social.
Are we doing the reiki healing workshop or the sound bath?
MARNI
Okay
So I’m pushing to do both because I feel like a sound bath is the ultimate way to follow a reiki healing workshop
But Lucy is like only gonna pay for one
Cos she and Timmy have got this new assistant or whatever
And apparently we have to include her or something
CRESSY
Oh
That’s disappointing
Why does she have to come
She’s new
MARNI
I know they are my exact same feelings
But like she’s already invited her or whatever
CRESSY
Ugh that’s really inconvenient for me,
I’ve been looking forward to that sound bath since
Glastonbury
MARNI
I know right she sounds awful
ROSIE
Sorry is this Lucy’s office?
CRESSY
Who’s asking?
ROSIE
Sorry
Rosie
Hi
MARNI
Oh my god Rosa
Come in
Make yourself comfortable
So great to meet you
Welcome
How are you?
ROSIE
Great thanks, it’s Rosie, lovely to meet you
CRESSY
(Clearly not impressed by ROSIE.)
Oh Rosa
Hi
We’re so glad to have you on board
MARNI
Yah we’re like so excited to have you here or whatever
Let me give you the tour
So over there we have the creative pod where we have our weekly brain dump and sometimes we have our morning meditation in there too
Then in the corner we have the juice bar
That’s just a help-yourself kinda thing
And the yoga studio is downstairs
Joss runs classes daily at 7 a.m.
She’s a gentle soul and a really grateful yogi so don’t miss out
Let me or Cressy know if you have any questions whatsoever
Right Cress?
CRESSY
Yeah, ask me anything
As long as I’m not on the phone, or talking to
Marn, or looking at my laptop, or texting.
Otherwise, fire away.
I should probably say we also don’t really allow food at the desk space so if you are going to eat that falafel, please eat it outside
Juice is fine.
I sit next to Lucy,
Marni sits next to me,
And there’s no room next
to Marni,
So you can have the spare desk.
ROSIE
Okay thanks
I’ll just –
Where should I put this –
MARNI
Oh the ukulele is mine
And that coconut water should be in the fridge
But you can just dump the box of slinkys somewhere else.
Lights down.
5.
ROSIE
Things Lucy has said to me in the last twenty-nine minutes…
Rosie did you order the lip sofa?
Rosie did you find a non-homogenised-milk supplier?
Rosie did you fish this water out of the Thames?
It’s foul.
Rosie have you dealt with the glitter balls?
Rosie are you aware all the office plants are dying?
Rosie you look like death
Rosie what’s that smell?
Oh it’s your perfume.
Rosie my phone’s broken
Rosie I need a sexy Hallowe’en costume
Rosie we need a second office Nutribullet
Rosie I’m worried about you but also where’s my coffee?
Okay no I don’t want it any more.
6.
We’re back at Shoreditch House with LUCY and ROSIE. They are having a meeting and waiting for WREN to arrive.
LUCY
Okay and where are we with the restaurant for tomorrow?
ROSIE
So we have a few options, I have four places that are within walking distance from the hotel, they all have vegan options but also several red meat options.
Let me see?
ROSIE hands LUCY an iPad.
No, we need somewhere bigger,
I’ve been to all those places and none of them are big enough.
ROSIE
Well this one has a capacity of two hundred; it’s set over two floors and has three menus to choose from –
LUCY
No I don’t think you understand, Rosie.
When I say this is a big client,
What I mean is he is a large client,
He isn’t small,
He is big,
What I’m saying is we need to find somewhere with booth seating.
ROSIE
Oh I see so it’s not the size of the restaurant?
LUCY
No! God I thought I made that quite clear, we just need to find somewhere within a four-minute walk from his hotel, that has booth seating and a vegan option for his wife and lots of meat options for him.
I’m not asking for the moon here.
ROSIE
No okay well that’s clear now.
LUCY
So we ended up casting Wren Baker as the hero girl in next week’s commercial.
Last-minute success thanks to me!
She’ll be here any minute.
Her agent’s just got in touch,
We need to get her a green juice before she arrives and make sure we’re sitting near a window but also away from the light.
Can you sort that out?
Great.
ROSIE
(Breaking character.)
Again, this is where Paul, my dad’s lawyer, suggests
I change the names of a few key characters,
All for a pastry that cost more than your ticket tonight.
Wren wasn’t even his idea,
That was all me,
I could be a lawyer.
LUCY
I think this chat will really just be to put her mind at rest you know assure her that we are here for her and that there’s nothing to worry about.
She’s very busy,
In super-high demand,
We’re very lucky to have got her.
So we need to make her feel welcome
And appreciated
And like we’re on her side et cetera et cetera
You’ve seen her work right?
ROSIE
Um sorry what was her name?
LUCY
Wren.
Wren Baker.
ROSIE
Oh no I’m not sure
I would probably recognise her face –
LUCY
Oh give me strength –
Come on Rosie!
You seriously don’t know who she is?
You would recognise her.
She has one of those faces.
But she’s also a really big fucking deal in the industry.
Very highly respected.
She’s like Joaquin Phoenix you know –
Crazy,
Slightly strange-looking.
But incredibly talented.
She’s like a female Joaquin Phoenix.
Fucking nightmare, she’ll drive you crazy but it’s worth working with her for the kudos you know.