He drinks.
When I get back in the office, I’m going to celebrate by getting a mini-fridge. Yours is great.
Cheers.
He drinks.
In a way it was a shame I didn’t get to, I don’t know
Explain what actually happened
It’s sort of anti-climactic for it to be just based on a lack of forensic evidence, that’s what it’s, forensic evidence, yeah?
Sort of saying well it could have happened but we can’t prove it I’d rather have had it kind of laid out that it just wasn’t true, but
I don’t want to complain
You did what was easiest, I’m not criticising, I’m just worried that it won’t reflect well on me
But it was good you mentioned that we’d been out, and she’d been drinking, and the rest
I think it was important to point that out
I just hope that’s enough to
Although, I had texts from a couple of the lads earlier, actually.
Haven’t heard from them in months, but a couple have apologised and that. Hopefully Ella will get in touch soon and we can just get over this weird
Silly
Situation.
And everything will just
I mean I honestly think if I’d been allowed to just talk to Holly, face to face, at some point in the last few months it wouldn’t have got this far. I think she just got caught up in the
The feelings and the
And she couldn’t speak to me, so it all just got
I still miss her, I’m not angry with her, I, you know, I can see how this got so big and messy
I still love her
You know, there have been benefits, for her.
She left her job. She hated that job. I wonder how positive a change that’s been.
I wonder if she misses it
I wonder if she misses me
It just seems so harsh if she doesn’t, so cold, I don’t, that doesn’t seem like Holly
My reaction, what happened, is just an indication of how strongly I felt, still feel, about her.
Like, when I told you about my girlfriend from school? And how little I reacted when she fucked the teaching assistant? I mean that shows, doesn’t it, that I don’t react badly to things in general, I don’t have any kind of
I’m not violent or
I just love her and she hurt me. It was a weird fucking evening, mate. That’s all it was.
ADAM’s phone gets a text. He reads it.
Neil.
‘Well done mate, knew it would be okay’
Yeah cheers mate
I can probably ditch him now. I know that’s mean, bless him and everything. But he is a cretin.
And I want my old life back. Old mates.
…
When Ella found out, I mean
When it all came out, you know
She came over to my house
And she was crying
And she said that she wasn’t surprised. Can you believe that?
She said I hated women, always had.
Couldn’t be further from the truth. I love women. I was brought up by a woman. Ellie’s my little sister, for
She was obviously just, I don’t know, reacting to something, god knows, whatever, but it really hurt me, and I
I’m looking forward to seeing her and
I love women. After all, everything I did, depending on how you, but actually everything that happened was
I was trying to help Holly.
I was just trying to give her a good life.
From day one. Maybe not day one. From the day we sat in the
Greek restaurant, I thought – I want to look after you. I want to make you mine.
How anyone can see that as hate, is
Can I smoke out of your window?
Blackout.
End.
PRIMADONNA
Rosie Kellett
For my family,
and their unwavering support.
Acknowledgements
Huge thanks and love to Jamie Jackson for his endless dramaturgical support, without whom, I would be lost at sea.
Many thanks to the National Youth Theatre, God’s Own Junkyard, Tim Wilson, Mat Burt, Andy George, Charlie Weedon, Jake Ogden, Sian O’Gorman, Oliver Byng, Anna Piper, Craig Talbot, Alex Rand, Paul Spraggon, Phao May, Lauren Bevan, Ros Wyatt and James Vernon.
R.K.
Primadonna was first performed at VAULT Festival, London, on 17 February 2016, with the following cast:
ROSIE
Rosie Kellett
Director
Jamie Jackson
Producer
Desara Bosnja
Technical Manager and Operator
Remi Smith
Assistant Producer
Lily Staff
Characters
ROSIE
LUCY
MARNI
CRESSY
WREN
AD
JENNIFER AT JOHN LEWIS CUSTOMER SERVICES
MUM
TIMMY
Note on Text
In the original production, all the characters were played by one actor. In future productions, other characters can be played by other actors if necessary.
The references to the original production (and director) can be adapted/taken out as needed.
Introduction
ROSIE is on stage building a bed, she has all the parts laid out, the instructions and tools. As the audience arrive, she assembles the bed as best she can, just before the show starts it should be finished apart from one leg which is missing. She searches for the missing leg until it’s time for the show to start.
The show will start with one leg still missing and the bed half-standing up. Adele’s rare songs/covers/B-sides are playing, not everyone should realise it’s Adele.
House lights go down, spotlight up on ROSIE who steps centre stage.
Music fades down.
ROSIE
Thanks Adele.
Hi
My name is Rosie
I have ginger hair.
It’s not real, although my dad is ginger and he was in Simply Red.
He’s not Mick Hucknall.
I have three siblings.
I am the least special.
Lola is the oldest.
Isla is the youngest.
And Jack is the only boy.
He’s also the only one of us that’s annually got away with giving us a photo of our dog for Christmas.
Until 2013 when we put our foot down.
Everything in this story is based on truth.
It all happened in mine or Jamie’s actual lives.
We have decided to change some of the names and places
But that was the only piece of advice my dad’s lawyer gave us
In exchange for a cheese-and-ham croissant
So, cheers Paul.
I go to the theatre at least once a week
And I hate myself for just saying that
But I also hate audience participation.
With a vicious passion.
So I want you to understand
If I ask for your help
It’s literally because I can’t tell the story on my own.
I’m telling it on my own because there isn’t enough
Rescue Remedy in the UK to get Jamie through a job interview
Let alone six shows at VAULT Festival
So, thanks.
1.
ROSIE
This might surprise you
But I was not in the popular group as a child
I know
This confident adult you see before you was not cool in school
My dad was in a band
And we lived in the ‘big house’
So naturally I was ‘the posh bitch’
In Year 7 there was a school trip to my village and our house was used as an e
xample because of its historical relevance
And you know
All the boys spat on our front door.
I wasn’t allowed a Tamagotchi
So I made one out of cardboard
Which everybody laughed at
But, you know, joke’s on them
Because it’s still alive
In my imagination.
When everyone else was singing along to the Spice
Girls and celebrating girl power
I was listening to David Gray in the back of my dad’s car on the way to orchestra rehearsal.
We weren’t really allowed to watch TV
Unless it was our VHS copy of Little Women
So I never knew what was going on in Neighbours
And to this day I blame that for my inability to do an Australian accent.
Thanks Mum.
To add insult to injury
I was also a mini-version of my mother
I loved to make a list
Lists were my best friends, quite literally
I was super-organised and some might say bossy.
So in an effort to survive the rural state-school system
I became a pleaser and spent my childhood finding ways to fit in
Working out what my classmates were thinking
What they thought was cool
And just pretending I did too
I mean sure
I didn’t like Katy Perry and I still don’t
But I went to the Teenage Dreams tour with a smile on my face and bought a T-shirt for forty pounds
And although all that caused me a great deal of hassle and unhappiness at school;
My desire to please,
Organisational skills,
And knowledge of plant-based diets,
Has made me
The perfect PA.
2.
ROSIE
I met Lucy in a strange way
We live near each other
And went to a lot of the same places
I think I first recognised her in yoga
And then at the market
Then in a coffee shop
And it was just one of those things
Eventually we got talking
She told me she was a producer
I thought she was my age
Turns out she has a deceptively youthful appearance
But I think it was my bag or something
She was all like
‘Oh my god sorry but where is this from, I think my best friend Tabitha makes these’
And it turns out Tabitha had made my bag
Then we realised we go to all the same places
Have the same hairdresser
‘Oh no we love Ricardo, I’ve been seeing him since I was twelve’
And drink at the same pub
‘Ahm, they do my favourite Scotch eggs and their craft beer is actually really good’
It was weird for me because I hadn’t lived here for long and hadn’t really made any friends
Most people just kept themselves to themselves
It takes time to make friends in London
But she was the first person I’d really made friends with
Or at least
I don’t know if you’d call it friends
But it was lovely to have someone who knew my name
Who I could wave at in the park
And sit next to in yoga.
Turns out, we aren’t that similar and I have my own friends now
But looking back,
If you told me
That in a year’s time
I would have spent more time at her house than at my own
And that I would know details about her
That even she didn’t know
And that I would forget things about myself
And who I am
And that in amongst all that
I would feel lonelier than I have ever felt
If you told me that then
I’d have told you to fuck off.
3.
We’re in Shoreditch House, there is thumping dance music playing.
LUCY is sitting on a sofa, pouring herself a glass of wine. [In the original production, TIMMY was represented by a balloon tied to the other side of the sofa at head-height.] Music fades to a low level.
LUCY
Oh Rosie hi
Over here sweetie
Timmy Rosie
Rosie Timmy
Soooo good to see you
Isn’t it good to see her Timmy?
How are you?
Brilliant okay
Yes no very good
We got back yesterday didn’t we Timmy
No I mean it was perfect
Obviously
You know I was too stressed to enjoy it of course
Didn’t eat for days
But Timmy had a great time
Didn’t you Timmy
I mean it was crazy
Everyone was so drunk
And oh Timmy you tell her
No go on you tell
Okay no I will.
Timmy’s friend Wex,
Wex spiked Timmy’s drink with LSD and then I drank it by accident
And there I was tripping on acid!
I mean it was hilarious
Only I did fuck up the certificate
Everyone was off their tits
Timmy you were off your tits
Weren’t you Timmy?
Sorry Rosie what was the question?
Yes no our wedding, no really great.
So you’ve brought your CV
Thanks sweetie
Timmy where are my glasses?
Did you forget them?
Oh Timmy
You’re useless
He’s useless.
LUCY is holding the CV away from her face trying to read it, she can’t without her glasses.