WREN arrives.
Wren sweetie darling!
Sooooo good to see you.
ROSIE
Hi
Rosie
Lovely to meet you
LUCY
We got you a juice or something
Green juice
Didn’t we Rosie?
Oh bring that over here.
Yes green juice –
Over here now.
WREN sits down.
WREN
Oh no I don’t need a green juice.
Very sweet of you,
But I’m fine,
Thanks.
LUCY
No sure absolutely
Quite right.
LUCY throws the juice over her shoulder.
So Wren this is Rosie, she’s mine and Timmy’s assistant but she’ll be working on the shoot pretty much full time.
She’ll be in charge of your accommodation and travel,
Won’t you Rosie?
ROSIE
Yeah for sure
Just let me know if there’s anything specific you need and –
WREN
Right –
Sorry.
I’m a bit confused –
LUCY
No not at all,
What’s the problem?
I’m sure we can sort it.
WREN
Well it’s Rosie right?
Sorry.
You’re Lucy’s assistant?
LUCY
Yes that’s right mine and Timmy’s
My husband
Timmy
We share her
WREN
Okay.
Sorry.
I’m just a bit confused as to why
Rosie,
You’ll be helping me with my shelter.
Such personal issues –
That’s something my assistant should be doing.
Sorry –
I’m just a very private person.
I have my babies to look after.
Have they not started yet?
Are they going to be joining us today?
LUCY
Who?
WREN
My assistant?
When are they arriving?
You’ve got me an assistant right?
LUCY
Yeah –
I mean –
Well –
Yah –
I mean.
LUCY is looking around, mostly at ROSIE, it becomes clear that she means her.
WREN
Sorry is there a problem?
LUCY
No not at all.
Well I mean –
Rosie
That’s what –
ROSIE
Sorry?
LUCY
Well I mean you’re here to assist me.
And I’m here to make sure Wren has everything
She needs
So basically,
That’s basically,
It’s totally doable,
Is what I’m saying.
As long as that’s cool with you Wren?
WREN
Yeah I mean –
I suppose I don’t mind, giving you a chance,
I have quite specific needs
What with my babies,
And with the way I work.
My process is quite unique.
I’ll need absolute commitment from you,
But as long as nothing is compromised
And I have everything I need,
I suppose I don’t mind.
LUCY
Wow.
Rosie!
Lucky you.
What a great opportunity for you!
ROSIE
Right –
Yeah no.
Thanks.
WREN
You’re welcome.
I guess for me it’s mostly help with my food and the odd errand
I should probably just quickly bring you up to date with my dietary,
I’m having some tests done at the moment to work out what my allergies are –
Yeah I have a lot.
So my nutritionalist is cutting out a few areas to try and narrow it down.
But it’s basically limited to
No meat
No fish
No dairy
ROSIE
Okay so basically vegan?
WREN
No gluten
No sugar
No yeast
ROSIE
Right are you coeliac? –
WREN
No egg white
No peanuts
No walnuts
No sesame seeds
No white cabbage
No red cabbage
No avocado
No olive oil
No coconut oil
No canola oil
No dark soy sauce
No beans
ROSIE
When you say beans –
WREN
No lentils
No brown rice
No white rice
No black tea
No egg noodles
No mussels
No oysters
No white potato
No vegetable oils
No coffee
No figs
No oats
No grapefruit
No orange
No yogurt
No milk powder
No margarine
No kiwi
No banana
No prawns
No spelt
No rye
No quinoa
No almonds
No red pepper
No strawberry
And I think that’s it at the moment.
ROSIE
Right
Okay
Do you have any example meals that we can start with?
WREN
No.
Oh and I also have asthma, sensitive skin and a mild vertigo.
It’s also important for me to have all my tools with me on set.
Just as carpenter would have his tool bag,
I too have tools I use to help me feel comfortable and get me where I need to be.
ROSIE
Sure.
Do you know what you might need and I can make sure we have it for our first day shooting?
Do you have a list that we could –
WREN
Sweetie.
What you’ll learn about me
Is that I can’t always predict
What I’m going to need.
I will need all the obvious things –
My headphones,
My music,
Tissues,
Tiger Balm,
Lavender oil,
My inhaler,
Fiji water.
It’s obvious stuff,
But we haven’t worked together before
So I won’t expect you to pick all this up immediately.
We can just see how it goes
And work things out as we go –
It’ll be fun!
7.
It’s shoot day.
Music plays. [In the original production, ROSIE picked members of the audience to play the AD and camera operator.]
AD
Okay we’re going to go for another one.
Everyone ready?
Checks happy?
Rosie, are we good to go?
Rosie?
ROSIE is standing with WREN.
ROSIE
Okay, so Wren I think they’re ready for another take, it’s just going to be the same close-up again of you –
WREN
I need my headphones –
ROSIE
Well I think they’re ready to go now –
WREN
Well I’m not.
They’re going to have to wait for me aren’t they?
AD
Okay we’re ready to go.
Quiet on set please.
WREN
I’m not ready yet Rosie –
ROSIE
We just need a few more minutes please –
WREN
Where’s the set bag?
Where’s my cacao?
Where did we put it?
We need to find it.
ROSIE
Okay um okay –
WREN
Look it’s under my chair Rosie –
Bring it here.
Chop chop!
I need my cacao,
Look it’s under my chair.
Bring it here quickly,
And my headphones.
Get my headphones out
And put the song on,
Quickly,
They’re waiting
And a tissue.
I need a lozenge,
Hairspray,
Now!
Hurry up,
Inhaler,
Tiger Balm,
I need the Tiger Balm,
Rub it here.
Hurry up.
Tissue.
Quickly.
Water.
Pass me the water.
AD
Okay Rosie we really need to squeeze one last take in before lunch.
Are we all ready?
WREN
No we’re not ready you’re going to have to hold on!
Okay take it away.
Too late.
You’re too slow.
WREN is pacing up and down, breathing heavily, rubbing her hands together and jumping on the spot.
Okay
WREN sits down for the take.
Well I’m ready
[In the original production, an audience member was given a window frame and watering can, and instructed to hold the frame in front of WREN’s face.]
AD
Okay thank you.
Quiet on set please?
Sound speed.
And we’re rolling.
And action.
WREN stays seated. [The audience member pours water from the watering can in front of the window frame like rain.]
WREN stays there for a matter of seconds.
And cut.
Thank you boys and girls, that’s lunch.
I make it two-fifteen, back on set at three-fifteen please.
8.
ROSIE
So I’m getting Wren’s lunch from Wagamama’s.
LUCY
She can’t do that.
WREN
I can.
LUCY
Okay no we love Waga’s.
Get me a chilli greens.
ROSIE
(On phone.) Hi
Good thanks
How are you?
Great
Okay
Sorry I have a bit of a nightmare order.
Yeah can I just ask you a few questions?
Do you handle meat and fish in the same area that you handle vegetables?
Sure
And do you have different chefs for the vegetarian foods?
Like chefs for the meat and fish foods
And then an entirely different human being for the vegetarian food?
I’ve just been asked to –
Sorry I know this is a bit weird
Okay another question, is your soy sauce light and is it organic?
Do you think you can tell when you taste it?
That it’s not organic?
If I just tell someone it is?
Do you think she’ll be able to tell from tasting it?
And just so I have some more info, what brand would it be if it was organic?
Okay. Sorry.
I can google that.
So then I’d like to order a number four,