Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love., Page 3
Emilio Boechat
told you we are shooting a lingerie ad next week, and I think you’re what we need.
(THE DIRECTOR pulls a card out of his pocket and hands it to LISSANDRA.)
DIRECTOR
Call me! Let’s have dinner and discuss your role better. What do you say?
LISSANDRA
Do you really think I/
DIRECTOR
(Cutting her off)
You’re a star, Alisandra.
LISSANDRA
It’s Li-Ssan-Dra.
DIRECTOR
Sure. Call me! I will make you big time celebrity!
LISSANDRA
I will call! I will definitely call!
(LISSANDRA leaves stage.)
DIRECTOR
(Shouts)
Send those damn little rascals in! On my command... Action!
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT FEAR
I'm a terrified woman. But how could it be otherwise? Women are favorite mugging targets at traffic lights, lightning kidnappings, and Avon representatives.
Back to Contents
OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER
LEDA, the mother, is seated in the living room. LUCIE CHRISTINE, her teenage daughter, walks past her towards their apartment door.
DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom!
LEDA
Lucie Christine, where do you think you’re going like that?
DAUGHTER
I’m going out with my friends, mom.
LEDA
(Standing up)
In those clothes?
DAUGHTER
What is wrong with them?
LEDA
Nothing and everything!
DAUGHTER
Mom, these clothes are super-ultra-hyper decent!
LEDA
That’s the problem, dear. You look way too respectable, a sitting duck for all the goons that wander our streets.
DAUGHTER
So, how do you think I should dress?
(Lights transition. When we return, LEDA’S DAUGHTER is dressed up as a typical street delinquent rapper. BG Rap music playing.)
LEDA
That’s much better!
DAUGHTER
None of my friends wear stuff like this!
LEDA
That's their problem! My daughter won't be an easy target by walking the streets all “preppy”.
DAUGHTER
But Mom!
LEDA
It’s my way or no going out tonight.
DAUGHTER
There’s no arguing against that… All right! I’d rather be a laughingstock outside than stay in tonight. Bye!
LEDA
Aren’t you forgetting something?
(THE DAUGHTER walks to LEDA and kisses her on the cheek.)
DAUGHTER
Bye, mom!
LEDA
Girl, I didn’t mean my goodbye kiss!
DAUGHTER
What then, mom?
LEDA
Are you carrying any protection?
DAUGHTER
(Blushing)
Gee, mom! How rude!
LEDA
Lucie Christine, I am your mother and I have the right to care about your wellbeing. Are you or aren’t you carrying any protection inside that purse of yours?
DAUGHTER
Well, mom. Actually, I am.
(Excusing herself)
Not that I plan on using it, but...
LEDA
Of course, you don’t, dear! But nowadays a stitch in time saves nine.
DAUGHTER
(Startled)
Wow, I had no idea you were such a modern mom.
LEDA
Let me see it!
DAUGHTER
What for?
LEDA
Show me your protection! I wanna see how good it is!
DAUGHTER
If you insist...
(THE DAUGHTER pulls a condom out of her purse and shows it to LEDA.)
LEDA
WTF? A condom?!
DAUGHTER
Huh? What did you expect?
LEDA
A gun, honey! A pistol! A revolver!
(Shooting the air with a finger)
Bang, bang, bang!
DAUGHTER
And since when do you think I carry a gun, mom?
LEDA
Ever since violence has started ruling this city!
(LEDA gets her purse, pulls a handgun out of it, and hands it to her DAUGHTER.)
LEDA
Here, take mine!
DAUGHTER
Mom, how long have you had a toy gun?
LEDA
It’s not a toy gun, that’s the real deal. Be careful, it’s loaded!
DAUGHTER
(Scared, gives the handgun back to LEDA.)
Holy moly, mom! You’re scaring me!
LEDA
You should be scared of rapists, politicians, Osama Bin Laden! Not me!
DAUGHTER
Osama Bin Laden is dead, mom!
LEDA
See? What did I tell you? Violence is everywhere, not even criminals are safe anymore! Take my gun, and if anyone asks you for the time do not think twice, unload this beauty into the bastard and run back home.
DAUGHTER
(Crying)
Mom, what’s wrong with you?
LEDA
Nothing! What’s wrong with this country, dear?
DAUGHTER
I don’t feel like going out anymore! You ruined my night out.
(In tears, THE DAUGHTER runs to her room.)
LEDA
It’s better that way! It’s no longer safe to walk our streets!
(To the audience)
What are you looking at? Can’t a mother protect her family? Gimme a break!
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT THE JOB MARKET
It’s not true that the job market for women has improved. There is still too much gender discrimination, harassment, and doors being shut at our face. Look at Playboy, for instance. Have you ever considered the number of women who missed the chance to make money with stripping?
I understand that on the other hand, many big booty chicks are investing in writing biographies. Of course, there are those who - for the sake of future literature - preferred they continued undressing.
Sheer male chauvinism on their part! Women have already shown they owe nothing to men. Proof of that is Brazilian president Mrs. Dilma Roussef who - just like any other male politician - can turn public life into the same stuff she does when seated on the toilet.
Back to Contents
MegalomaniaC
Open curtains to a scenery with elements suggesting an important executive’s office. Rita is at a desk comfortably seated on a swivel chair with imposing wheels. She gives imaginary orders, puts her feet on the desk, lights up and puffs at a fictitious cigar, in short, she exercises power. ADAMASTOR enters stage wearing a shabby crumpled suit and carrying a manila envelope under one arm.
ADAMASTOR
(Humbly)
Good morning.
(RITA straightens herself up in the chair without losing her presumption.)
RITA
Who let you in like that?
ADAMASTOR
Forgive me; there wasn’t anyone at the front desk.
RITA
Secretaries, huff! I will have to take some serious steps in that regard.
ADAMASTOR
I can come back at a more convenient time.
RITA
Please, sit down. If you took the trouble tricking security to get here...
ADAMASTOR
Sorry, but I did not trick security. They asked me to see your secretary, but she was not at her desk and I/
RITA
(Cutting him off)
The important thing is that you did what many aspire, dream of, and won’t ever accomplish: be in my presence.
ADAMASTOR
(Astonished)
Is that so?
RITA
Do you doubt it?
ADAMASTOR
No. I just... I had no idea...
RITA
Of whom I am?
ADAMASTOR
No, I don’t doubt that. I do think you indeed are who you say you are. But…
RITA
But what? Look, this conversation is becoming way too long and my time is precious!
ADAMASTOR
I didn’t realize you…
RITA
(Cutting him off)
What did you not realize?
ADAMASTOR
That you were as important as you say.
RITA
(Offensively)
How come?
ADAMASTOR
Please, don’t be offended!
RITA
Mister...
ADAMASTOR
Adamastor...
RITA
(With a broad gesture)
I make dreams come true!
(Silence)
RITA
How about that?
ADAMASTOR
I am happy for you!
RITA
You should be happy yourself!
ADAMASTOR
What do you mean?
RITA
Adamastor, what is your dream?
ADAMASTOR
My dream? I have no… Come on... Dream?
RITA
(Hardhearted)
Everybody has a dream.
ADAMASTOR
I never thought about it.
RITA
(Guessing)
You would like to be a TV star.
ADAMASTOR
A star? TV? Get out of here!
RITA
It’s in your eyes! You’re an artist!
ADAMASTOR
No, not me!
(Proud)
Do you honestly think so?
RITA
It’s written all over you! A. R.T. I. S. T.
ADAMASTOR
Well, maybe. My dad, you know, was a ventriloquist. And my grandfather played the guiro.
RITA
It’s in your blood!
ADAMASTOR
Yeah, but I’ve never...
RITA
I get the whole picture now!
ADAMASTOR
What is it? What?
(As she speaks, RITA musingly walks from side to side with one hand holding her chin while the other gestures up in the air.)
RITA
First, you cheated security…
ADAMASTOR
I did not! And your secretary was/
RITA
Then you came to me...
ADAMASTOR
Yes, but/
RITA
Said you knew nothing about my importance…
ADAMASTOR
Sorry, I did not mean to/
RITA
Told me you have no dreams…
ADAMASTOR
Depending on the dream, I/
RITA
Denied you’re an artist…
ADAMASTOR
I did not, I just/
RITA
And why all that?
ADAMASTOR
Why?
RITA
It’s obvious!
ADAMASTOR
What is?
RITA
By depreciating my importance…
ADAMASTOR
Sorry, I had no intention to/
RITA
And bringing you up to my level…
ADAMASTOR
Far from me to/
RITA
You made this conversation possible.
ADAMASTOR
Conversation? Are we having a conversation?
RITA
How did I not notice it before?
ADAMASTOR
Noticed what, that we are having a conversation?
RITA
Your strategy!
ADAMASTOR
My strategy? But I’m only
(THE DIRECTOR pulls a card out of his pocket and hands it to LISSANDRA.)
DIRECTOR
Call me! Let’s have dinner and discuss your role better. What do you say?
LISSANDRA
Do you really think I/
DIRECTOR
(Cutting her off)
You’re a star, Alisandra.
LISSANDRA
It’s Li-Ssan-Dra.
DIRECTOR
Sure. Call me! I will make you big time celebrity!
LISSANDRA
I will call! I will definitely call!
(LISSANDRA leaves stage.)
DIRECTOR
(Shouts)
Send those damn little rascals in! On my command... Action!
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT FEAR
I'm a terrified woman. But how could it be otherwise? Women are favorite mugging targets at traffic lights, lightning kidnappings, and Avon representatives.
Back to Contents
OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER
LEDA, the mother, is seated in the living room. LUCIE CHRISTINE, her teenage daughter, walks past her towards their apartment door.
DAUGHTER
Bye, Mom!
LEDA
Lucie Christine, where do you think you’re going like that?
DAUGHTER
I’m going out with my friends, mom.
LEDA
(Standing up)
In those clothes?
DAUGHTER
What is wrong with them?
LEDA
Nothing and everything!
DAUGHTER
Mom, these clothes are super-ultra-hyper decent!
LEDA
That’s the problem, dear. You look way too respectable, a sitting duck for all the goons that wander our streets.
DAUGHTER
So, how do you think I should dress?
(Lights transition. When we return, LEDA’S DAUGHTER is dressed up as a typical street delinquent rapper. BG Rap music playing.)
LEDA
That’s much better!
DAUGHTER
None of my friends wear stuff like this!
LEDA
That's their problem! My daughter won't be an easy target by walking the streets all “preppy”.
DAUGHTER
But Mom!
LEDA
It’s my way or no going out tonight.
DAUGHTER
There’s no arguing against that… All right! I’d rather be a laughingstock outside than stay in tonight. Bye!
LEDA
Aren’t you forgetting something?
(THE DAUGHTER walks to LEDA and kisses her on the cheek.)
DAUGHTER
Bye, mom!
LEDA
Girl, I didn’t mean my goodbye kiss!
DAUGHTER
What then, mom?
LEDA
Are you carrying any protection?
DAUGHTER
(Blushing)
Gee, mom! How rude!
LEDA
Lucie Christine, I am your mother and I have the right to care about your wellbeing. Are you or aren’t you carrying any protection inside that purse of yours?
DAUGHTER
Well, mom. Actually, I am.
(Excusing herself)
Not that I plan on using it, but...
LEDA
Of course, you don’t, dear! But nowadays a stitch in time saves nine.
DAUGHTER
(Startled)
Wow, I had no idea you were such a modern mom.
LEDA
Let me see it!
DAUGHTER
What for?
LEDA
Show me your protection! I wanna see how good it is!
DAUGHTER
If you insist...
(THE DAUGHTER pulls a condom out of her purse and shows it to LEDA.)
LEDA
WTF? A condom?!
DAUGHTER
Huh? What did you expect?
LEDA
A gun, honey! A pistol! A revolver!
(Shooting the air with a finger)
Bang, bang, bang!
DAUGHTER
And since when do you think I carry a gun, mom?
LEDA
Ever since violence has started ruling this city!
(LEDA gets her purse, pulls a handgun out of it, and hands it to her DAUGHTER.)
LEDA
Here, take mine!
DAUGHTER
Mom, how long have you had a toy gun?
LEDA
It’s not a toy gun, that’s the real deal. Be careful, it’s loaded!
DAUGHTER
(Scared, gives the handgun back to LEDA.)
Holy moly, mom! You’re scaring me!
LEDA
You should be scared of rapists, politicians, Osama Bin Laden! Not me!
DAUGHTER
Osama Bin Laden is dead, mom!
LEDA
See? What did I tell you? Violence is everywhere, not even criminals are safe anymore! Take my gun, and if anyone asks you for the time do not think twice, unload this beauty into the bastard and run back home.
DAUGHTER
(Crying)
Mom, what’s wrong with you?
LEDA
Nothing! What’s wrong with this country, dear?
DAUGHTER
I don’t feel like going out anymore! You ruined my night out.
(In tears, THE DAUGHTER runs to her room.)
LEDA
It’s better that way! It’s no longer safe to walk our streets!
(To the audience)
What are you looking at? Can’t a mother protect her family? Gimme a break!
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT THE JOB MARKET
It’s not true that the job market for women has improved. There is still too much gender discrimination, harassment, and doors being shut at our face. Look at Playboy, for instance. Have you ever considered the number of women who missed the chance to make money with stripping?
I understand that on the other hand, many big booty chicks are investing in writing biographies. Of course, there are those who - for the sake of future literature - preferred they continued undressing.
Sheer male chauvinism on their part! Women have already shown they owe nothing to men. Proof of that is Brazilian president Mrs. Dilma Roussef who - just like any other male politician - can turn public life into the same stuff she does when seated on the toilet.
Back to Contents
MegalomaniaC
Open curtains to a scenery with elements suggesting an important executive’s office. Rita is at a desk comfortably seated on a swivel chair with imposing wheels. She gives imaginary orders, puts her feet on the desk, lights up and puffs at a fictitious cigar, in short, she exercises power. ADAMASTOR enters stage wearing a shabby crumpled suit and carrying a manila envelope under one arm.
ADAMASTOR
(Humbly)
Good morning.
(RITA straightens herself up in the chair without losing her presumption.)
RITA
Who let you in like that?
ADAMASTOR
Forgive me; there wasn’t anyone at the front desk.
RITA
Secretaries, huff! I will have to take some serious steps in that regard.
ADAMASTOR
I can come back at a more convenient time.
RITA
Please, sit down. If you took the trouble tricking security to get here...
ADAMASTOR
Sorry, but I did not trick security. They asked me to see your secretary, but she was not at her desk and I/
RITA
(Cutting him off)
The important thing is that you did what many aspire, dream of, and won’t ever accomplish: be in my presence.
ADAMASTOR
(Astonished)
Is that so?
RITA
Do you doubt it?
ADAMASTOR
No. I just... I had no idea...
RITA
Of whom I am?
ADAMASTOR
No, I don’t doubt that. I do think you indeed are who you say you are. But…
RITA
But what? Look, this conversation is becoming way too long and my time is precious!
ADAMASTOR
I didn’t realize you…
RITA
(Cutting him off)
What did you not realize?
ADAMASTOR
That you were as important as you say.
RITA
(Offensively)
How come?
ADAMASTOR
Please, don’t be offended!
RITA
Mister...
ADAMASTOR
Adamastor...
RITA
(With a broad gesture)
I make dreams come true!
(Silence)
RITA
How about that?
ADAMASTOR
I am happy for you!
RITA
You should be happy yourself!
ADAMASTOR
What do you mean?
RITA
Adamastor, what is your dream?
ADAMASTOR
My dream? I have no… Come on... Dream?
RITA
(Hardhearted)
Everybody has a dream.
ADAMASTOR
I never thought about it.
RITA
(Guessing)
You would like to be a TV star.
ADAMASTOR
A star? TV? Get out of here!
RITA
It’s in your eyes! You’re an artist!
ADAMASTOR
No, not me!
(Proud)
Do you honestly think so?
RITA
It’s written all over you! A. R.T. I. S. T.
ADAMASTOR
Well, maybe. My dad, you know, was a ventriloquist. And my grandfather played the guiro.
RITA
It’s in your blood!
ADAMASTOR
Yeah, but I’ve never...
RITA
I get the whole picture now!
ADAMASTOR
What is it? What?
(As she speaks, RITA musingly walks from side to side with one hand holding her chin while the other gestures up in the air.)
RITA
First, you cheated security…
ADAMASTOR
I did not! And your secretary was/
RITA
Then you came to me...
ADAMASTOR
Yes, but/
RITA
Said you knew nothing about my importance…
ADAMASTOR
Sorry, I did not mean to/
RITA
Told me you have no dreams…
ADAMASTOR
Depending on the dream, I/
RITA
Denied you’re an artist…
ADAMASTOR
I did not, I just/
RITA
And why all that?
ADAMASTOR
Why?
RITA
It’s obvious!
ADAMASTOR
What is?
RITA
By depreciating my importance…
ADAMASTOR
Sorry, I had no intention to/
RITA
And bringing you up to my level…
ADAMASTOR
Far from me to/
RITA
You made this conversation possible.
ADAMASTOR
Conversation? Are we having a conversation?
RITA
How did I not notice it before?
ADAMASTOR
Noticed what, that we are having a conversation?
RITA
Your strategy!
ADAMASTOR
My strategy? But I’m only
