Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love., Page 2
Emilio Boechat
some cotton candy?
LUCREZIA
Why didn’t you warn me, we had a street fair in front of our house today?
HUSBAND
We’ve lived here for five years now. I thought you already knew.
(Trying to be helpful)
Why don’t you take the bus?
LUCREZIA
Spare me! Taking a bus and going to the gym is too much sacrifice for a day! Tomorrow! Tomorrow no one will stop me from starting my workout!
(To the HUSBAND)
Pass me the butter.
(HUSBAND and DAUGHTER look at each other in bewilderment, while LUCREZIA devours her breakfast.)
(SCENE ENDS)
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ABOUT BAD WOMEN DRIVERS
Men love saying that women are bad drivers. They do not wear high heels, touch up their makeup, or talk on their cell phones while making an illegal U-turn. “Watch where you’re going”, they yell! How come? My friend is right. “I can barely apply mascara with that tiny mirror, let alone watch out for other cars.” Automakers, here is a tip: larger rear view mirrors, please. Others say women drive badly because they can’t concentrate on what they’re doing. What a lie! I got a friend who read the entire 'Gospel of Mathew' while driving! No need to emphasize how difficult a reading Saramago is, especially when sidetracked by a bunch of assholes swearing at you.
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AT THE AESTHETIC CLINIC
LOLA is sat down in the waiting room. The DOCTOR enters. A little afflicted and anxious, she stands up and walks to him.
LOLA
Hi, Doctor!
DOCTOR
Hello, Ma’am!
LOLA
Please, Doc! Lola! Ma’am makes me feel old and I must have rejuvenated at least twenty years since we last met!
DOCTOR
The lady means, ‘last week’.
LOLA
(A bit annoyed)
No, I meant twenty years! And drop the lady, please, Doc! I am practically a teen now! You won’t believe it. Even my daughter’s boyfriend is giving me the eye.
DOCTOR
Well, Mrs./
(Rectifies)
I mean, you, Lola… do you have an appointment scheduled? I guess my secretary/
LOLA
(Cutting him off)
My friend!
DOCTOR
I understand you and my secretary must be friends by now. Considering the regularity of your appointments, you sure chat/
LOLA
(Cutting him off)
I brought a friend! It’s her turn to get some nipping and tucking! You know, Doc. Good things should be shared! This clinic is paradise for women like me: forever young!
DOCTOR
(Impatient)
Good... I’m happy you’re satisfied.
LOLA
Not totally satisfied. You know that’s impossible. Every woman who takes a good look at her in the mirror always finds something that needs improvement. You know how that is, don’t you?
DOCTOR
I see.
LOLA
(Afflicted)
What do you see?
(Looking at her own self)
What? What’s wrong with me? Where?
DOCTOR
There’s nothing wrong, ma’am. You look awesome.
LOLA
I doubt it, Doc! If I looked awesome you wouldn’t insist on calling me, ma’am.
(Irritated)
My name is Lola!
DOCTOR
(Not knowing what to say)
Lola, I just wanted to pull/
LOLA
(Cutting him off, desperate)
OMG! What’s there to pull? Spit it out! Is it serious?
DOCTOR
Pull off a supportive conversation. I was going to tell you to keep your chin/
LOLA
(With a hand over her chin and throat)
My god! Dewlap? I knew it! I knew it!
DOCTOR
Calm down! Chill out!
LOLA
I am doomed to wear turtlenecks for the rest of my life. I don’t even know if turtlenecks are still a trend nowadays! If they are, what will be of me when they stop being? I was so happy and now I feel like a monster: a yellow double-chinned alligator!
DOCTOR
It’s all a misunderstanding! That was not what I said.
LOLA
God, it’s worse than I thought! Do I look like a Pelican? Answer me, Doc!
DOCTOR
Do you want some water?
LOLA
It’s my skin, isn’t it? Is it dehydrated?
DOCTOR
Please, there’s no reason to freak out.
LOLA
Is there a cure, Doc? Is there a new treatment?
(Agitated)
Tell me, Doc! I ought to know! How can I get rid of my droopy dewlap?
DOCTOR
Ma’am, I mean, Lola... There’s no need...
LOLA
Is my case hopeless?
DOCTOR
No!
LOLA
Oh, my God! No? So, the only way out of it is turtlenecks.
DOCTOR
All right, if you are interested...
LOLA
More than interested, Doc! I’m desperate! What’s the cure?
DOCTOR
Well, there’s a new injection...
LOLA
(Unbuttoning her pants and threatening to drop them down right there)
Shoot, Doc! All for the sake of medical advances!
DOCTOR
Take it easy! This is not where it’s given!
LOLA
Huh, no? Not in the butt? I see! Cellulite has taken over my butt and you are disgusted to look at it?
DOCTOR
Nonsense! I was the one who rebuilt your butt.
LOLA
Yes, you did! But it’s mine now. All mine! I have already paid half of it! And it is still quite firm if you wanna know.
DOCTOR
I mean I can’t give you the shot right here in the middle of the waiting room!
LOLA
Sure... Got it...
DOCTOR
Ma’am, I mean, Lola, you should schedule an appointment with my/
LOLA
(Cutting him off)
Now, Doc! It has to be now! With a dewlap like this, I would only go back home wearing a neck brace.
DOCTOR
All right! I’ll see you after your friend, is that okay with you?
LOLA
No, now! I couldn’t care less about my friend. By the way, she’s not that close to me. But even if she were she wouldn’t mind you seeing me first, right Doc?
DOCTOR
Ma’am, I mean, as you and your friend, or whatever, wish.
LOLA
Fine, super duper, Doc! Thanks!
DOCTOR
See you in my office!
(The DOCTOR steps out)
LOLA
Thanks a lot, Doc!
(A little calmer)
What would I do without modern technology?
(Taking a mirror out of her purse and looking at herself)
Only Sixteen! A teen. Even my daughter’s boyfriend is giving me the eye.
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT CHANGING CLOTHES
I totally disagree that women take too much time getting dressed up. I for one can try thirty different outfits in just one hour, which in fact equals only two minutes per clothing. It’s not that we take too long choosing what to wear. The problem is that we never have that one garment we want to pick.
Back to Contents
A CHILD ACTOR’s MOTHER
A TV ad set. DIRECTOR and crew are ready to start shooting. LISSANDRA enters the stage and walks towards the director when she is approached by one of the PRODUCTION STAFF.
PRODUCTION
Ma’am, please, what’re you doing in here?
/> LISSANDRA
Don’t ma’am me! I’m Lissandra. Are you the director?
PRODUCTION
Nope.
LISSANDRA
Then, get out of my face you boob. My time is gold.
(LISSANDRA pushes the man aside and walks to the DIRECTOR.)
LISSANDRA
Mr. Director! Mr. Director!
DIRECTOR
May I help?
(THE DIRECTOR looks at LISSANDRA from head to toe and likes what he sees.)
LISSANDRA
Are you the director?
DIRECTOR
(Hitting on her)
I could be anything you want! But for now, yes, I’m the director! Are you here for the audition? Sorry, this film is for child actors only. But I have a lingerie ad scheduled for next week.
LISSANDRA
That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about.
DIRECTOR
Lingerie?
LISSANDRA
About child actors!
DIRECTOR
(Head in his hands)
Gee! Look, if you are a CPS investigator you should see a production team member. I’m only the director!
(Shouts angrily)
Staff!
LISSANDRA
No. I am not a CPS investigator!
DIRECTOR
Well, then ... What is the problem?
LISSANDRA
I am Tom Cruise De Niro’s agent, the most promising child actor ever.
DIRECTOR
Never heard of him.
LISSANDRA
But you will, and a lot! My son is the greatest talent this country has ever seen! Johnny Depp better watch out!
DIRECTOR
I get it! You’re a child actor’s mother!
(Shouts while looking around)
Who let this woman in?
LISSANDRA
I deserve to know why my son was turned down for this job. I demand an explanation!
DIRECTOR
Ma’am, I don’t even know who your son is, go talk to the casting director, the client, whatever. I am just the film director!
LISSANDRA
You were the one who auditioned my son, and now you dare say you’ve never heard of him? Take a good look at him!
(LISANDRA pulls a picture of her son out of her purse and hands it to THE DIRECTOR.)
LISSANDRA
Tom Cruise De Niro is a professional, and won’t take 'no' for an answer.
DIRECTOR
Ma’am, your son/
LISSANDRA
(Finishing his sentence)
Is the best child actor of all time!
DIRECTOR
He’s awful! He’s too shy and can’t memorize his lines! He’s definitely not cut out for it.
(LISSANDRA holds her tears.)
LISSANDRA
What did you expect? He’s only a child! He has a long way to go and you’re a...
DIRECTOR
But you’ve got star quality!
LISSANDRA
You’re a/
(Cuts herself off, surprised)
I? Star quality?
(Seduced)
Do you really think so?
DIRECTOR
I’m positive.
LISSANDRA
Well, that’s the way I am… Very outgoing, you know.
DIRECTOR
I see. I like the attitude. Listen, as I
LUCREZIA
Why didn’t you warn me, we had a street fair in front of our house today?
HUSBAND
We’ve lived here for five years now. I thought you already knew.
(Trying to be helpful)
Why don’t you take the bus?
LUCREZIA
Spare me! Taking a bus and going to the gym is too much sacrifice for a day! Tomorrow! Tomorrow no one will stop me from starting my workout!
(To the HUSBAND)
Pass me the butter.
(HUSBAND and DAUGHTER look at each other in bewilderment, while LUCREZIA devours her breakfast.)
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT BAD WOMEN DRIVERS
Men love saying that women are bad drivers. They do not wear high heels, touch up their makeup, or talk on their cell phones while making an illegal U-turn. “Watch where you’re going”, they yell! How come? My friend is right. “I can barely apply mascara with that tiny mirror, let alone watch out for other cars.” Automakers, here is a tip: larger rear view mirrors, please. Others say women drive badly because they can’t concentrate on what they’re doing. What a lie! I got a friend who read the entire 'Gospel of Mathew' while driving! No need to emphasize how difficult a reading Saramago is, especially when sidetracked by a bunch of assholes swearing at you.
Back to Contents
AT THE AESTHETIC CLINIC
LOLA is sat down in the waiting room. The DOCTOR enters. A little afflicted and anxious, she stands up and walks to him.
LOLA
Hi, Doctor!
DOCTOR
Hello, Ma’am!
LOLA
Please, Doc! Lola! Ma’am makes me feel old and I must have rejuvenated at least twenty years since we last met!
DOCTOR
The lady means, ‘last week’.
LOLA
(A bit annoyed)
No, I meant twenty years! And drop the lady, please, Doc! I am practically a teen now! You won’t believe it. Even my daughter’s boyfriend is giving me the eye.
DOCTOR
Well, Mrs./
(Rectifies)
I mean, you, Lola… do you have an appointment scheduled? I guess my secretary/
LOLA
(Cutting him off)
My friend!
DOCTOR
I understand you and my secretary must be friends by now. Considering the regularity of your appointments, you sure chat/
LOLA
(Cutting him off)
I brought a friend! It’s her turn to get some nipping and tucking! You know, Doc. Good things should be shared! This clinic is paradise for women like me: forever young!
DOCTOR
(Impatient)
Good... I’m happy you’re satisfied.
LOLA
Not totally satisfied. You know that’s impossible. Every woman who takes a good look at her in the mirror always finds something that needs improvement. You know how that is, don’t you?
DOCTOR
I see.
LOLA
(Afflicted)
What do you see?
(Looking at her own self)
What? What’s wrong with me? Where?
DOCTOR
There’s nothing wrong, ma’am. You look awesome.
LOLA
I doubt it, Doc! If I looked awesome you wouldn’t insist on calling me, ma’am.
(Irritated)
My name is Lola!
DOCTOR
(Not knowing what to say)
Lola, I just wanted to pull/
LOLA
(Cutting him off, desperate)
OMG! What’s there to pull? Spit it out! Is it serious?
DOCTOR
Pull off a supportive conversation. I was going to tell you to keep your chin/
LOLA
(With a hand over her chin and throat)
My god! Dewlap? I knew it! I knew it!
DOCTOR
Calm down! Chill out!
LOLA
I am doomed to wear turtlenecks for the rest of my life. I don’t even know if turtlenecks are still a trend nowadays! If they are, what will be of me when they stop being? I was so happy and now I feel like a monster: a yellow double-chinned alligator!
DOCTOR
It’s all a misunderstanding! That was not what I said.
LOLA
God, it’s worse than I thought! Do I look like a Pelican? Answer me, Doc!
DOCTOR
Do you want some water?
LOLA
It’s my skin, isn’t it? Is it dehydrated?
DOCTOR
Please, there’s no reason to freak out.
LOLA
Is there a cure, Doc? Is there a new treatment?
(Agitated)
Tell me, Doc! I ought to know! How can I get rid of my droopy dewlap?
DOCTOR
Ma’am, I mean, Lola... There’s no need...
LOLA
Is my case hopeless?
DOCTOR
No!
LOLA
Oh, my God! No? So, the only way out of it is turtlenecks.
DOCTOR
All right, if you are interested...
LOLA
More than interested, Doc! I’m desperate! What’s the cure?
DOCTOR
Well, there’s a new injection...
LOLA
(Unbuttoning her pants and threatening to drop them down right there)
Shoot, Doc! All for the sake of medical advances!
DOCTOR
Take it easy! This is not where it’s given!
LOLA
Huh, no? Not in the butt? I see! Cellulite has taken over my butt and you are disgusted to look at it?
DOCTOR
Nonsense! I was the one who rebuilt your butt.
LOLA
Yes, you did! But it’s mine now. All mine! I have already paid half of it! And it is still quite firm if you wanna know.
DOCTOR
I mean I can’t give you the shot right here in the middle of the waiting room!
LOLA
Sure... Got it...
DOCTOR
Ma’am, I mean, Lola, you should schedule an appointment with my/
LOLA
(Cutting him off)
Now, Doc! It has to be now! With a dewlap like this, I would only go back home wearing a neck brace.
DOCTOR
All right! I’ll see you after your friend, is that okay with you?
LOLA
No, now! I couldn’t care less about my friend. By the way, she’s not that close to me. But even if she were she wouldn’t mind you seeing me first, right Doc?
DOCTOR
Ma’am, I mean, as you and your friend, or whatever, wish.
LOLA
Fine, super duper, Doc! Thanks!
DOCTOR
See you in my office!
(The DOCTOR steps out)
LOLA
Thanks a lot, Doc!
(A little calmer)
What would I do without modern technology?
(Taking a mirror out of her purse and looking at herself)
Only Sixteen! A teen. Even my daughter’s boyfriend is giving me the eye.
(SCENE ENDS)
Back to Contents
ABOUT CHANGING CLOTHES
I totally disagree that women take too much time getting dressed up. I for one can try thirty different outfits in just one hour, which in fact equals only two minutes per clothing. It’s not that we take too long choosing what to wear. The problem is that we never have that one garment we want to pick.
Back to Contents
A CHILD ACTOR’s MOTHER
A TV ad set. DIRECTOR and crew are ready to start shooting. LISSANDRA enters the stage and walks towards the director when she is approached by one of the PRODUCTION STAFF.
PRODUCTION
Ma’am, please, what’re you doing in here?
/> LISSANDRA
Don’t ma’am me! I’m Lissandra. Are you the director?
PRODUCTION
Nope.
LISSANDRA
Then, get out of my face you boob. My time is gold.
(LISSANDRA pushes the man aside and walks to the DIRECTOR.)
LISSANDRA
Mr. Director! Mr. Director!
DIRECTOR
May I help?
(THE DIRECTOR looks at LISSANDRA from head to toe and likes what he sees.)
LISSANDRA
Are you the director?
DIRECTOR
(Hitting on her)
I could be anything you want! But for now, yes, I’m the director! Are you here for the audition? Sorry, this film is for child actors only. But I have a lingerie ad scheduled for next week.
LISSANDRA
That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about.
DIRECTOR
Lingerie?
LISSANDRA
About child actors!
DIRECTOR
(Head in his hands)
Gee! Look, if you are a CPS investigator you should see a production team member. I’m only the director!
(Shouts angrily)
Staff!
LISSANDRA
No. I am not a CPS investigator!
DIRECTOR
Well, then ... What is the problem?
LISSANDRA
I am Tom Cruise De Niro’s agent, the most promising child actor ever.
DIRECTOR
Never heard of him.
LISSANDRA
But you will, and a lot! My son is the greatest talent this country has ever seen! Johnny Depp better watch out!
DIRECTOR
I get it! You’re a child actor’s mother!
(Shouts while looking around)
Who let this woman in?
LISSANDRA
I deserve to know why my son was turned down for this job. I demand an explanation!
DIRECTOR
Ma’am, I don’t even know who your son is, go talk to the casting director, the client, whatever. I am just the film director!
LISSANDRA
You were the one who auditioned my son, and now you dare say you’ve never heard of him? Take a good look at him!
(LISANDRA pulls a picture of her son out of her purse and hands it to THE DIRECTOR.)
LISSANDRA
Tom Cruise De Niro is a professional, and won’t take 'no' for an answer.
DIRECTOR
Ma’am, your son/
LISSANDRA
(Finishing his sentence)
Is the best child actor of all time!
DIRECTOR
He’s awful! He’s too shy and can’t memorize his lines! He’s definitely not cut out for it.
(LISSANDRA holds her tears.)
LISSANDRA
What did you expect? He’s only a child! He has a long way to go and you’re a...
DIRECTOR
But you’ve got star quality!
LISSANDRA
You’re a/
(Cuts herself off, surprised)
I? Star quality?
(Seduced)
Do you really think so?
DIRECTOR
I’m positive.
LISSANDRA
Well, that’s the way I am… Very outgoing, you know.
DIRECTOR
I see. I like the attitude. Listen, as I
