Crazy as Hell - The Craziness Women Do and Guys Love.

Crazy AS HELL

  The crazy things women do and guys love

  Copyright @ 2015, Emilio Boechat

  3a edition - revised

  Preface

  Marilia Toledo

  Cover

  Leandro Machado

  Translator

  Aldo Camolez

  This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share it with other readers, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, please return to your favorite eBook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

  Special thanks to all the women in my life.

  This book is inspired by and dedicated to them.

  CONTENTS

  Preface by Marilia Toledo

  About Weight Scales

  Workout Day

  About Bad Women Drivers

  At The Aesthetic Clinic

  About Changing Clothes

  A Child Actor's Mother

  About Fear

  Overprotective Mother

  About the Job Market

  Megalomaniac

  About Not Being Fat, But Hot

  Lilian and the Ayurvedic Medicine - or You Are What You Eat

  About Odd Jobs

  The Prisoners

  About Lists

  The Hippies

  About Dogs

  Return of the Prodigal Husband

  Women as Sex Objects

  Isaura The Slave Sado-Maso

  About The Reign Of Anorexics

  Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown

  Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown II

  About Diets & Mathematics

  Agnes and Dominique Against the White Dragon Cult

  About Sex

  Thelma & Louise

  About The Book

  About The Author

  PREFACE

  Emilio Boechat is one of these authors that motivate innumerable responses in his readers. Laughter, no doubt, is the most immediate, although, not the most remarkable, in my personal opinion.

  Celebrated by his comedy plays “Camila Baker”, “Eu Era Tudo pra Ela e Ela me Deixou”, “O Sol está Quente a Água está Ótima” to name a few, we always expect to find a corrosive kind of humor in his works. Nonetheless, the more familiarized I get with his writings, the more amazed I am by his many skills. His talent to create surprising endings, unpredictable twists, and characters both unusual and charismatic is rare.

  As a playwright, I can shamelessly say I envy the impudence and courage of his ideas; and also, his expertise to come up with dialogues as absurd as Ionesco’s, such as the ones we can read in the sketches: “Women on the Verge of a Beach Meltdown I and II” and “Return of the Prodigal Husband”.

  Another one of his distinctive features is his mastery in writing female plots and giving them a unique and crazy voice, as the title of this book implies. In the sketch “At The Aesthetic Clinic”, the intimacy he treats his leading characters and their predicaments are so truthful, that if I read it without knowing whom the author was, I would swear it was a woman.

  I already confessed to Emilio that I would like to have written some of his plays and characters. If I could "assume" any of them depicted in "Crazy as Hell”, I would definitely be the Devil in "The Prisoners".

  I hope this reading stirs colors and flavors in you, just as it did in me.

  Marilia Toledo

  Marialia Toledo is a screen and TV scriptwriter, playwright, theater producer, and director; awarded by Shell, A.P.C.A. (Associação Paulista dos Críticos de Arte), FEMSA, Qualidade Brasil and da Cooperativa Paulista de Teatro. At present, Marilia is Record Filmes director.

  Back to Contents

  ABOUT WEIGHT SCALES

  I was bulimic when a teenager. Fortunately, I have overcome it and today I’m a perfectly ordinary woman. After each meal, I take a laxative.

  As every other woman, I got a problem with weight scales. They, same as men, are: mean and blunt, never telling what you expect.

  Currently, I’ve discovered an infallible method to lose weight: not eating anything after eight. I wake up, have breakfast, and starve untill bedtime.

  Back to Contents

  WORKOUT DAY

  LUCREZIA wears a leotard and hops up and down while she prepares to leave home. It is quite early in the morning. Her HUSBAND enters the stage just when she is about to set off for the gym.

  HUSBAND

  (Yawning)

  Lucrezia, what time is it?

  LUCREZIA

  (Excited)

  It’s five in the morning, honey.

  HUSBAND

  (Sleepy)

  What are you doing up this early?

  LUCREZIA

  (Jumping up and down)

  Going to the gym! Nothing will stop me from starting my workout! I joined a class last Friday, paid six months in advance and today is my first day!

  (Pointing finger at her husband)

  I feel sorry for anyone who chooses to stand in my way!

  HUSBAND

  But why so early?

  LUCREZIA

  (Angry)

  Why so early?

  (Outraged)

  Why so early? Because it’s impossible to do anything for my own sake after you and the children wake up.

  HUSBAND

  (Heavy-eyed)

  You’re exaggerating!

  LUCREZIA

  Yes! Exaggerating at my candy, lunch, and dinner eating. The time to diet and work out has come! I refuse to become one of those obese housewives that won’t go to the beach because they are embarrassed to put on a bikini.

  HUSBAND

  (Sluggish)

  You look great!

  LUCREZIA

  But for how long? This house is the sugar, chocolate, deep fried food paradise. I need to take care of myself. Bye!

  HUSBAND

  (Sleepy)

  What about my breakfast?

  LUCREZIA

  It’s five o’ clock in the morning! Why on earth you want breakfast now?

  HUSBAND

  (Drowsy)

  Huh, because I’m up.

  LUCREZIA

  (To the audience)

  See! He wants breakfast! He wants to ruin my workout!

  (To the HUSBAND)

  Let me tell you, your breakfast is ready and set at the table! Nothing and no one will prevent me from going to the gym today.

  HUSBAND

  Who am I to say otherwise?

  LUCREZIA

  Anyhow, before you mutter anything else: your shirt is already ironed!

  HUSBAND

  (Sitting at the breakfast table)

  Thanks!

  LUCREZIA

  See you!

  (At this moment, the couple’s DAUGHTER shows up yawning and rubbing her eyes with the back of a hand.)

  DAUGHTER

  Mommy! Daddy! What’s going on? Are you having a fight?

  LUCREZIA

  Jesus Christ!

  HUSBAND

  (Sleepy)

  No, sweetheart. It’s just your mother leaving for the gym.

  LUCREZIA

  So early?

  LUCREZIA

  It’s definitely early, dear! Too early for you to be out of bed, go back to sleep!

  DAUGHTER

  Tell me a bedtime story, then.

  LUCREZIA

  What?

  (Leading her daughter off stage)

&nbs
p; No need for that! You’re not up yet. You’re still sleeping. This is all a dream.

  DAUGHTER

  I can’t sleep without you telling me a story!

  LUCREZIA

  Your dad will tell you one!

  HUSBAND

  But I’m having breakfast!

  LUCREZIA

  Why can’t anyone help me? You want a story; here it goes, once upon a time a mother who very much wanted to gym so she could be in shape.

  (Changing her mood)

  But her daughter wouldn’t let her! Then, the mother started getting fat, very fat, so fat and insatiable that one day she ate her daughter and husband for breakfast.

  DAUGHTER

  (Runs to her father in fear)

  This story is scary.

  LUCREZIA

  What did you expect? It’s five in the morning and a very inappropriate time for children to be awake!

  DAUGHTER

  I think I can’t get back to sleep.

  LUCREZIA

  If you can’t sleep, no need for a story!

  DAUGHTER

  I’ll have breakfast with daddy.

  LUCREZIA

  Good. Enjoy your time together to catch up with the news.

  DAUGHTER

  I want eggnog.

  LUCREZIA

  (Surprised)

  Eggnog?

  DAUGHTER

  Yeah.

  LUCREZIA

  Since when do you take eggnogs?

  DAUGHTER

  Louis told me his mother makes him eggnogs every morning!

  LUCREZIA

  That’s because she’s an ugly, fat, outdated woman who doesn’t exercise!

  DAUGHTER

  Louis told me it makes him strong!

  LUCREZIA

  You mean fat!

  DAUGHTER

  Louis is not fat!

  LUCREZIA

  But taking eggnogs every morning will certainly make him fat soon!

  DAUGHTER

  I want eggnog to be strong!

  LUCREZIA

  Eggnog...

  (Thoughtful)

  Listen, your dad makes wonderful eggnogs! Ask him kindly and he’ll fix you one!

  Lucrezia leaves.

  DAUGHTER

  Dad, can you make my eggnog?

  HUSBAND

  (Who was reading the paper and did not pay any attention to their conversation)

  What?

  Lucrezia rushes back in.  

  LUCREZIA

  (Distressed)

  Don’t tell me today is Tuesday!

  HUSBAND

  It’s Tuesday.

  LUCREZIA

  I told you not to tell me!

  (LUCREZIA sits down at the breakfast table and starts eating like crazy. The HUSBAND and the DAUGHTER puzzled look at each other.)

  HUSBAND

  Don’t get mad, but can I ask you something?

  LUCREZIA

  Maybe.

  HUSBAND

  Weren’t you going to the gym?

  LUCREZIA

  I was! But our street is jammed with street vendors and their stalls.

  HUSBAND

  It’s outdoor farmers’ market in our street today!

  DAUGHTER

  Hurray. Can I have