Goodbye, Hello, Page 3

  I was almost there, except now here we all were. Back to where it all began, as if no time had passed at all. As if I was back to the indecisive Deok Sun I once was. As if I was back to the Deok Sun who only wanted Kim Jung Hwan to love me.

  Well... I'm not her anymore, I thought, trying to adopt a bit more of my sister into myself. I need to know the truth. I needed to know if Jung Hwan really meant what he said.

  And this time, I'm not leaving without any answers.

  I turned the lamp off and laid back down, feeling proud for having made a decision on my own. Growing up had some perks, after all. I fell asleep feeling a little more optimistic than I did just minutes before, finally feeling as if I am taking control of my destiny rather than letting it take control of me.

  The next morning...

  "Deok Sun-ah, breakfast!" Appa was mid-sentence when I opened the door to his face. He looked me up and down before narrowing his brows. "Are you leaving already?"

  I shook my head and smiled brightly, trying to muster up some courage. "I'll eat breakfast when I get back. It will only take me a few minutes."

  "What will only take you a few minutes?"

  I walked past him and straight out of the basement room, only hearing him call out as I put on a coat and my shoes. I balanced a cap on my head haphazardly, my fingers slipping into the pink angora gloves that Jung Hwan gave me years ago.

  Courage, Sung Deok Sun, I kept chanting to myself. Courage.

  I continued to tell myself this as I climbed up the stairs, the sight of Jung Bong Oppa almost taking me by surprise. He had a newspaper under his arm, and he looked just as surprised to see me as I was him. He still had slippers on; his just wakened expression reminded me so much of Jung Hwan's I almost lost my breath.

  He paused mid stride up the stairs and faced me. His mouth appeared as if it was about to break into a smile before he suddenly stopped, his face taking on a more guarded look. All of a sudden I felt self-conscious, as if he knew something about me even I myself didn't know.

  He bowed stiffly. "Deok Sun-ssi."

  His formal use of my name took me aback. As did the fact that he turned around and began walking up the steps without saying anything else.

  I frowned. "Oppa." When he made no move to once again address me, I repeated myself. "Jung Bong Oppa."

  He stopped but didn't turn around. His behavior confounded me... I thought he and I had a special kind of kinship because he dated my friend Man Ok. There was once a time when I was part of his close circle, when he brought me into his confidence, so why was he was treating me now like a stranger?

  He seemed pretty heartbroken after Man Ok left but that was years ago. Maybe something else happened… but that can’t be right because as far as I knew Man Ok was not back. Either way… What happened between them had not been my fault.

  If that's what this was all about, I should be mad, too. I lost her, too. Suddenly angry, I was about to ask him what the matter was when he finally turned around.

  "Deok Sun-ssi," he said, his eyes serious, as if considering what he was going to say next. It made me bite my tongue, unused to seeing him this somber.  "My brother refused to give me his shirt."

  I looked at him in confusion. O-kay? Why was he telling me about a shirt now? They were brothers... I'm sure there had been a whole lot of pieces of clothing passed back and forth between the two of them, much like how it had been with me and Bora Unnie. I really don't know what this had to do with...

  "I'm just telling you because I think you ought to know," he continued. "Jung Hwan refused to give me the shirt you gave him for his birthday. Even after I asked many times." He gave me a rueful grin. "And you know my brother gives me everything."

  What? The words he was saying were not registering and I found myself gaping at him in confusion. Jung Hwan kept the shirt? He kept the shirt? But I saw Jung Bong Oppa wearing it. But I thought....

  "Man Ok and I promised each other we wouldn't say anything about it since I didn't want you to know that I asked her for the same gift you gave Jung Hwan," he continued, seemingly unaware of my confusion. "And I probably wouldn't ever have said anything about it. Except..." he paused for a few seconds, bit his lip, "except I can't stand the idea that I may have done something that you may have misunderstood. My brother loved… that shirt."

  His mouth said ‘shirt’ but it sounded as if he was speaking of something else. For my part, it felt as if I had been doused with cold water, his admission not taking hold. It was just like Jung Hwan to not say a word. It was just like him to not clarify.

  I stopped myself from going further. I needed to stop assuming things about Jung Hwan. It seemed that he had secrets of his own.

  "Where is he?" I asked before I could even think about what I was saying, the panic in my voice audible. What if I had been wrong about him all this time? What if he had been telling the truth? Embarrassingly tears sprang to my eyes. It seemed just as it was years ago when it didn't take a lot to make me cry. Except this.... felt like a lot. Like a lot more than it seemed. Like a lot more than I realized. "Can you..." My voice sounded small even to my ears and I took a deep breath, "can you have him come out so I can talk to him?"

  Jung Bong Oppa shook his head. "No."

  "But..." I said, my voice breaking a little. "I just wanted to talk to him! Just please let me talk to him!"

  "I would if I could," he answered, his voice softening. "But you just missed him. He already left for Sacheon."

  "When..." I cleared my throat, tried to blink the tears away. "When is he coming back?"

  "You know the answer to that as well as I do, Deok Sun-ah," he said quietly. "You know my brother."

  Did I? I thought I did. I really thought I did. But the Jung Hwan from last night and the Jung Hwan that he was now talking about seemed a different person than the one in my childhood.

  Or was it that it was I who saw him differently?

  After two decades of having these friends in my life I once thought I knew all of them better than anyone else. Especially Jung Hwan. It was another thing I had taken comfort in... That despite his stoic nature, his often surly humor, that I knew him. And understood him.

  Until now. Until today.

  Now I had the sinking feeling that I didn't know him at all.

  December 1995

  Deok Sun

  I sat at a table in the pojangmacha near our parents' house, waiting for my sister. I wondered almost as soon as she had called me asking to meet up for a drink what the reason was. Why did I need to call her as soon as I landed back in Seoul? And why did I have to meet her here?

  She could have asked to meet me anywhere, so why did it have to be the place I had tried to avoid for the last couple of months?

  I rubbed my hands together as the ahjumma dropped off a bottle of soju and a small dish of dried fish and some peppers. I had just taken a bite of a green pepper and was just about to pick up the bottle when I saw my sister enter the tent, her eyes looking around. She gave me a small smile as our eyes met and I waved, motioning for her to come.

  She sat down across from me, signaling the ahjumma for a glass. She ordered two bowls of udon without asking and when it was delivered, grabbed the soju and poured me a drink before doing the same for herself. We touched our glasses together and downed our shots, our faces grimacing.

  She cocked her head and regarded me once she put her glass down, her expression indiscernable. "You look good," she remarked. "When did you get back?"

  I shrugged my shoulders. "Just a few hours ago," I answered. "I would have called you sooner than today, but I've been working non stop."

  She nodded. "That's what No Eul said."

  All conversation stopped when our food came, and for a while I distracted myself with eating. For her part, Unnie didn't seem to be in a rush to speak, either, taking only bites of her food, while trying to be subtle about sneaking glances my way.

  "Unnie." "Deon Sun-ah."

  We spoke simultaneously and I gave her sm
ile. "You go first," I said and she shook her head.

  "No, you," she insisted.

  "I was just going to ask you why you asked me to meet up especially since we were all coming home for Christmas anyway."

  "Am I not allowed to ask to see my sister now?" She sounded so defensive, much like the Sung Bora I grew up with and it made me chuckle wistfully. "What?"

  "Nothing," I answered. "It's just... it's just nice to know that no matter what else changes you stay the same. No matter what."

  "Everyone changes, Deok Sun-ah. Some not so obviously, but they do," she replied, studying her glass closely. "I wanted to tell you something."

  My older sister looked nervous, apprehensive. I could practically feel the tension coming off her in waves and I narrowed my brows in concern. Was something wrong with our parents? No Eul? Was something wrong with her?

  Before I could ask her to elaborate I saw her take a deep breath, as if working up the courage to say whatever it was that she wanted to say.

  "I'm dating Sun Woo."

  Her admission made me widen my eyes, not from surprise but the fact that it had taken her this long to tell me something I already had an inkling about.

  "Okay."

  Her expression shocked, she looked at me before speaking again. "Did you just hear me?" She asked. "I just told you I was dating Sun Woo."

  "I heard you," I said, carefully wrapping some noodles with my chopsticks and taking a bite. "You said you were dating Sun Woo."

  "Your friend."

  I grinned at her. "I know who Sun Woo is, Unnie. And yes he's my friend."

  "Are you..." she began and I could hear the hesitation in her voice. "I mean... you're okay with it?"

  "Are you happy?" I asked her, not bothering to answer her question first. I looked into her eyes and marveled that for the first time in my life, my sister didn't look as confident as she had always been. As if she really cared about what I would think.

  She looked away, pushed the noodles around her bowl. "Yes," she answered. "I am very happy."

  "Then I'm happy too," I said. "As long as you're happy then I'm okay with it."

  "Really?"

  I nodded. "Unnie... you didn't need my blessing," I said. "You never needed it before."

  "No, but it means a lot to me to have it anyway. My family means a lot to me."

  "Says the girl who refused to stop protesting even after Omma begged her."

  The reminder made her smile before her expression sobered. "I didn't care what other people thought," she said. "I still don't. But you're my sister and he's your friend. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

  "Why?" I asked. "Will you stop dating him if I was?"

  "No," she said firmly, taking another shot and wiping her mouth with a napkin. "I'll just have to do everything I can to win your approval."

  What she said, how she said it, made me look at my sister in admiration. How wonderful it must be to know yourself that well, to have that conviction about everything.

  "Unnie," I said, sticking my thumbs up. "It's okay. You didn't ask me for permission the first time you two dated, so I don't need to be giving it to you now."

  "Yah... how did you know about the first time?"

  I gave her a sly look. "We live in a small neighborhood and our brother is nosy," I said smartly. "You guys weren't exactly being inconspicuous."

  She shook her head, then laughed. "I can't believe you knew and didn't tell me."

  "I figured if and when you want me to know you'll tell me yourself. And then it seemed like you guys broke up, so I didn't think to bring it up in case you beat me." I motioned for the ahjumma to bring another bottle. "I'm really amazed at Sun Woo though... I can't believe he got you back after all this time."

  The ahjumma came with the bottle and my sister waited until she was gone before she cleared her throat and spoke. "He didn't try to get me back," she said, surprising me for the second time. "I asked him for another chance."

  "No way," I said, taking a drink. "My sister sticks with the decisions she makes. She doesn't question her choices. She always knows what she wants."

  "Is that how you see me?"

  I nodded. "I can't imagine you asking anyone for another chance. Just like with your other old boyfriends... they're the ones always begging for you to come back. And once you make up your mind that it's over," I made a gesture like a sword to my neck, "it's over."

  She gave me a faint smile, her fingers drawing circles over the rim of her glass. "That's true," she said softly. "But when you find the person you love, you make an exception, no? Sun Woo was worth putting my pride down for, and it seemed a small loss to what I might gain."

  "Unnie," I teased. "You're scaring me right now. Who are you and what have you done with my sister?"

  She laughed and threw a piece of fish at me. "What about you?" She asked. "I heard from Sun Woo that you were constantly on dates."

  I didn't respond.

  That may have been the case the last time we all saw each other, but not anymore. I haven't been on a date since I last came home.

  "Unnie," I started. "How did you know that you liked Sun Woo?" When she merely raised her eyebrows, I clarified myself. "How did you know he was the one you wanted?"

  "Well... I thought about him a lot," she answered thoughtfully, "and the idea that he would no longer be in my life... it hurt me." She put a hand on her chest. "Right here. I felt it. Like someone was choking me. I couldn't stand it."

  I nodded, knowing exactly how she felt, automatically thinking of Jung Hwan. I tried to keep my expression neutral as I asked my next question. "But how did you know that what you felt was more than friendship?"

  "You know," she said. "Let me ask you a question... think of someone you are friends with." I thought of Taek, Sun Woo and Dong Ryong. "Do you think of touching them or kissing them?"

  "Eww, Unnie, no." I made a face and she smiled. "They're my friends."

  "Exactly." She poured me another glass of soju, was silent for a few beats. Then she said a name I didn't expect. "Is it Taek?"

  "Is what Taek?"

  She tsked. "Are you not paying attention? Is Taek the friend you might like as more than a friend?"

  "What makes you think it's Taek?" Did I tell her anything before? Why would she think it's Taek?

  "I found your diary and read some pages," she said. I flushed. Did she read the part about Sun Woo too?

  "No, Unnie... I hadn't liked Taek since we were really young. And I don't even think that was anything serious. More like a crush."

  "Ah... well, I stopped after a few pages," she said, as if explaining. "You were complaining a lot about me." She looked at me directly before pursing her lips. "So... it's Jung Hwan, then."

  I blinked at her, wondered if my sister knew me better than I gave her credit for. "Jung Hwan?"

  She nodded, gave me a knowing smile.

  "No," I said lamely. "The question wasn't specific. It was just hypo..."

  "As if," she teased. "That you're flushed bright red tells me I'm right."

  "It could just be the soju," I mumbled, putting my hands to my face in embarrassment.

  "We hadn't drank that much," she argued. "Have you told him?"

  "No," I said softly. "I didn't think I still did like him."

  For years I tried to forget him, cringed whenever I thought about the lengths I went to to get closer to him. Until a few months ago I almost convinced myself that I felt nothing. And then he confessed and I was back to square one.

  "What's the point?" I asked. "I don't think he likes me anymore." The admission brought on an ache in my chest. I swallowed and tried to keep it at bay. "Maybe he did. But he doesn't anymore."

  "So?" My sister was looking at me as if I was making no sense at all.

  "What do you mean 'so'?"

  "I mean that doesn't really matter if you still like him."

  "Why would I go around declaring my feelings if I don't know how he feels about me?"

 
"You think I knew how Sun Woo felt about me when I asked him for another chance?" I could only shrug my shoulders. "Just like you dont like someone because they like you, you don't tell someone you love them because you want them to love you back. You like who you like. You tell them because they should know." I was silent, unsure of what to say. Unsure even of what I feel. As if sensing the tumult in my mind, Unnie reached across the table and took my hand. "Jung Hwan is a good guy. I mean I know you're his friend and you know that, but he really is one of the good ones."

  I studied her face, wondered why she looked like she knew something I didn’t. "What do you mean?"

  “Nothing,” she said quickly. “Just something I heard from Sun Woo.”

  “What?” I asked. I was supposed to be the one who knew everything about my friends. Me! “Unnie…”

  "Just…” she started begrudgingly, “just… Some jerk in high school used to pick on Sun Woo all the time… bullying him and that. He used to make fun of him for always wearing his necklace, the one that his father gave him before he died. Anyway, Jung Hwan would get annoyed at how stubborn Sun Woo was, too, and told him to just take it off and put it back on later, but of course, Sun Woo said no. Well, after a few days, that asshole decided that if Sun Woo was not going to take his necklace off willingly, then he would have to do it without his consent. And you know what happened?” Unnie met my eyes and I shook my head silently. “Before that jerk could even touch Sun Woo, Jung Hwan punched him. Punched him so hard he fell to the floor.”