Goodbye, Hello, Page 2

  Dimsumofallthings

  Raleigh, NC, USA

  14th February 2016

 

  GLOSSARY

  abonim :: Father, formal to appa

  aegyo :: cute display of affection often expressed through a cute/baby voice, facial expressions, and gesture; literally means having a “coquettish” manner

  ahjumma :: A middle-aged woman. Can be used for a close friend of the family, or a stranger.

  ahjussi :: A middle-aged man, the counterpart to ahjumma

  appa :: Dad, Daddy, informal to abonim

  baduk :: an abstract strategy board game for two players, in which the aim is to surround more territory than the opponent; literally means “the encircling game”

  dongsaeng :: Meaning “younger sibling,” can refer to a true blood sibling, or a close friend whom you treat as a younger sibling. While dongsaeng applies to both genders, its opposites are gender-specific (see hyung, oppa, and unni).

  galbi :: refers to a variety of gui or grilled dishes in Korean cuisine that are made with marinated beef (or pork) short ribs in a ganjang-based sauce (Korean soy sauce)

  hyung :: “Older brother,” used between males only. Can be used between blood brothers, or close friends.

  jagiya :: honey, sweetie, love, darling. Used between couples in a relationship to address each other. Normally used by younger couples (old generation does not use this phrase), and can be between unmarried or married couples. It can be addressed to both men and women. In Korea, the word literally means "Self" - so you are literally calling the other person as yourself. So that implies the other person is your self/your other half.

  noona :: “Older sister” used by a male to a female. Again, can be used between blood siblings or merely people who are close friends.

  omma :: Mom, Mommy, informal to omonim

  omonim :: Mother, formal to omma

  pojangmacha :: small tented spot that can be on wheels or a street stall in Korea that sell a variety of popular street foods and dishes accompanied with drinking. In the evening, many of these establishments serve alcoholic beverages such as soju. Literally means "covered wagon" in Korean

  soju :: Korean liquor known for being strong and cheap. Comes in green bottles. Tastes like vodka. Usually around 40 proof (20% alcohol).

  udon :: type of thick wheat flour noodle in Japanese cuisine

  unnie :: “Older sister,” used between females only. (In recent years, some men have taken to calling women “unni,” which is a slang appropriation of the term.)

 

  Credit Source: Dramabeans, Urban Dictionary, Wikipedia

  A BRIEF NOTE ON KOREAN HONORIFICS AND HOW THEY ADDRESS EACH OTHER:

  When you first meet someone in Korea, you add -ssi (씨) after their name. Example, Deok Sun-ssi. Even if you’re older than the person you meet, you should do this in the beginning because it’s the polite way (jondaemal). When you get more familiar, you can replace the -ssi ending with ah/ya (아/야). This also works if you’re the same age. This is the casual way of speaking (banmal.)

  Something else of note: While the formal way of speaking is considered respectful and courteous, it can also suggest distance when formerly one was using banmal to the other and then they switch to jondaemal. Conversely, if one had only ever used jondaemal with a person, and they switch to banmal, it could be a sign of disrespect.

 

  Prologue

  October 1994

  Jung Hwan

  "I like you." My eyes traveled over Deok Sun's face, taking in the surprise that jumped into her eyes. Did she really not know? When she said nothing I continued. "I'm saying I like you."

  It was as if Sun Woo and Dong Ryong disappeared as words tumbled out of my mouth. Carelessly, thoughtlessly, I finally allowed all that I had been keeping inside pass through my lips. Even as I knew that there was no going back.

  I told her about waiting for her to come out  when we were school kids so I can have a precious few minutes with her to myself. I told her about being happy sitting with her on the bus so many years ago even though she didn't know. I even told her about the shirt... the silly pink shirt that to this day I could not bear to get rid of, still hanging in my wardrobe in Sacheon, a reminder of all my past failures. Much like my ring was doing now, its surface glinting at me from the table.

  The confession was as liberating as it was painful. Though the knowledge that I was finally saying what I should have said years ago made me feel lighter, the burden that I had carried and no longer had to was now replaced by something else. Something more permanent.

  Was this the heartbreak that plagued all those who have experienced unrequited love?

  Throughout my confession her expression didn't change. I didn't expect it to. As soon as I had seen her eyes dart over to the door every time the bell jingled, I knew.

  She was waiting for him. The boy I loved almost as much as I loved my own brother. The boy she perhaps loved more than I did.

  I paused, allowing myself to look upon her face one last time; at least as Kim Jung Hwan, the boy who once loved her and the man who still did.

  "I love you."

  The air was marked by shocked silence, shadows and outlines of my two friends taking shape in my periphery. Deok Sun's face blurred in front of me, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

  "Are you happy now?" I asked Dong Ryong, the pressure in my chest almost too much to bear. Needing something... anything to make it go away, to pretend somehow that I didn't just lay my heart on the table.

  I glanced over at Dong Ryong and he stared at me incredulously. I could almost feel the relief emanating from all of them and I reminded myself that this was for the best.

  "What?" He asked, almost in a whisper.

  My mouth curled into an unamused grin. "You said it was your wish."

  He may have said something, but I didn't hear it. I could feel Sun Woo's eyes on me as I went back to being the Jung Hwan that I knew best. The one that pretended that everything was okay.

  The next few minutes passed in a blur; I felt like I was outside of myself watching the events unfold. The detachment I had always used in the past didn't do me any favors this time. I felt like I had been ripped from the inside out.

  I dared not look at Deok Sun, afraid that if she turned her eyes to me that she would see that I had been lying. Or worse yet, that she would not care.

  It was better this way, I told myself. It was better this way.

  When they all stood up, so did I.

  I didn't pick up my ring. Neither did she.

  Part I

  Ssangmundong, Seoul

  October 1994

  Jung Hwan

  I laid on my bed, my arm resting on my forehead. Despite our friends' urging to have a second drink, I refused and made an excuse about needing to go to sleep. Sun Woo appeared as if he wanted to talk to me, but I was all talked out.

  There was nothing else left to say.

  I heard a knock on my door and though I gave no response, I heard it open anyway. I knew before I heard his voice that it was my brother, his hesitation giving him away. I didn't turn my head when I heard him pull the chair out from my desk nor as he sat.

  Knowing that he would worry if I continued like this, I took a deep breath and pasted a smile on my face before lowering my arm and addressing him.

  "Jung Hwan-ah," he said and I lifted my eyes to meet his. The wall that I had built up almost cracked as I looked at my older brother, the kindest person I knew, someone I admired and wanted to protect almost in equal measure, looking at me as if he wanted to protect me, too. 

  I sat up on the bed, my back resting against the headboard. Almost immediately I was reminded of the night Deok Sun slept here, her head resting just inches from mine. The memory was so real I had to close my eyes to banish it away.

  When I opened them again Hyung was looking at me, his eyes missing nothing.

  "You know..." he started before he cleared hi
s throat, "you know that I'm very, very proud of you, right?"

  I gave him a wry grin. "Yeah, I know," I answered. "You've said it enough times."

  "And you know that you're my best friend, right?" He asked. "I tell you everything."  I nodded, a bit curious as to where he was going with this. Before I could ask him he gave me a sympathetic smile. "You know you can tell me everything, right?"

  I looked away. "There's nothing to tell, Hyung."

  He raised an eyebrow. "Is there not?" I shook my head no. "Then I must have been making it all up in my head that you liked Deok Sun so many years ago. And that you still like her, even now."

  My head whipped around to look at my brother, his eyes poring over me knowingly. "How?" The one word came out of my mouth and he shrugged his shoulders before responding.

  "You know I'm not a good student. I get easily distracted and honestly, it never interested me enough to hold my attention. There's a lot of things that I have failed at, but if there is one thing I'm really good at, it's being your brother." He stood up from the chair and repositioned himself on the bed, right next to me. "Surely you didn't think I wouldn't know."

  I looked at my hands, unable to meet his eyes. "I didn't think anyone would know."

  "Yeah," he said. "I thought so." He nudged me with his shoulder. "Yah... if it's any consolation I think Deok Sun likes you too." I didn't respond and he kept speaking. "And why wouldn't she? My brother is handsome and nice. He has the best heart of anyone I know. He's smart and..."

  "No," I said, interrupting him. "She doesn't."

  He blinked at me. "How do you know?" I looked away as his question went unanswered. "Did you ask?"

  I nodded. "I confessed tonight."

  "And?"

  I shook my head and swallowed the emotion that came up from somewhere in the pit of my belly, rising up until I felt it lodge in my throat. "Nothing," I said, the word coming out hoarse. "I was too late."

  As always, I wanted to add. I hesitated too many times. What I always took as care and thought merely amounted to indecision upon reflection. I wasn't even sure who I had been trying to protect. Taek? Deok Sun? Myself?

  Whatever. It didn't matter now.

  Hyung looked like he didn't know what to say. I could feel him looking at me, much like Sun Woo did, as if trying to read my mind.

  "I'm okay," I said, more to my benefit than his. "I'm okay."

  And why wouldn't I be? Nothing had changed. Life will move on, just as it always has. Except mine will move forward without her.

  The thought brought on a fresh surge of pain.

  As if sensing this, my brother placed an arm around me in reassurance. "This may not be what you want to hear," he began carefully, as if watching his words, "but you did your best. You told her how you felt. Whatever happens now is out of your control. Sometimes life is like that."

  I focused on his words as if they were my truth, wanting to hold onto them as if they would save me from this moment. I wanted to believe him more than anything, afraid that if I didn't, that I would have nothing left.

  "Better put it out on the open than regret it forever. You've done all you can do," he continued, his normally lighthearted voice suddenly ringing with conviction. "You've done your best, just as you always had. And if that's not good enough for her, then she's not good enough for you."

  The belief in his voice rang through me and I felt the tears fall out of my eyes. I wiped them off in frustration, wishing for so many things, not the least of which was to do it all over again. To go back to 1988 and do it right, this time.

  Hyung said nothing else as he kept his arm resolutely around me. I continued to cry as if I would never stop, the first and last time I will allow myself to mourn.

  Deok Sun

  I laid on my side, unable to sleep. For once I wish Unnie was here, her back against mine, her presence reassuring. So many times her existence alone grated on me; I considered her the constant thorn on my side, someone around just to make my life difficult. In recent years that had changed.

  Now I found comfort in her constancy... there was something about her ability to stick to what she believes in, her unwillingness to bend, that resonated with me. Always having been one who was always easily influenced, I sometimes envied her courage to never compromise or sacrifice. Always having been someone who never knew what I wanted, I wish I had my sister's determination to be whoever and whatever she wanted to be.

  I could still hear my parents and No Eul bickering a wall away from me, no doubt about the fact that my brother now had to give up his (formerly mine and Unnie's) room for the night. I sat up and looked around; the room had not changed since I was last here.

  The room looked as it did back when I was in high school and it made me feel as if I was back to that time, as well.  The restlessness I was feeling made me feel as if I truly was.

  Wearily I stood up and walked towards the table, turning the lamp on as soon as I sat down. I fiddled with the pens that were in a cup, straightened papers that didn't need tidying in an effort to calm my mind.

  None worked.

  I opened the drawer slowly, wondering if my diary was still in it, the one I wrote in back in high school. It had been my companion whenever I felt confused, and one I left at home when I started working.

  I thought that in leaving it behind, I would leave who I was too. I had been intent on becoming a better version of Sung Deok Sun. Someone who was wiser. Someone who actually became someone without anyone else's help.

  I opened the first page and touched the words, almost laughed at what I had written. When was this? I thought as I continued to read, my girlish handwriting almost too juvenile now.

  There were a whole lot of inane details about the things that made up my life: my never-ending complaints about my sister, my frustration at myself for not knowing what to do, and my friends. Taek, Dong Ryong, Sun Woo. I had written things in detail about each and every single one of them. Until the last few years there had not been a day when we all didn't see one another. My memories were as much theirs as they were mine.

  Except I had a secret. Several, actually. First: I had liked Taek, a long time ago. Second: I thought I liked Sun Woo too, before I realized it was not me he liked.

  And the third... I hesitated before I flipped a page. The third. Maybe the most important.

  My heart paused as I ran a finger over the characters of the name that came into view.

  Kim Jung Hwan.

  I felt a wave of emotion pass through me so quickly I had no time to guard myself against it. His words came to me in echoes, memories of our past coming back slowly, then all at once as it melted into the present.

  He confessed, then took it back. Was any of it real? Why did the idea that none of it had been make me feel as if I'd been punched in the stomach?

  I thought I was over the feelings I once had for him, chalked it up to an adolescent crush. The same thing I once felt for Taek. The same thing I once felt for Sun Woo.

  So why did my heart feel as if there was a vice around it now? Why did it sound as if he had been saying goodbye? Why did it matter so much?

  I tried to laugh it off like he did except it didn't ring true. I barely had time to digest what he said before he had taken it all back and tried to pass it off like a joke.

  It wasn't fair to even say those things out loud if he was only kidding. Jung Hwan can be so cruel at times.

  I shook my head as if flinging the thoughts away, tried to tell myself it didn't matter at all. And then I remembered something.

  I reached my hand behind me and pulled out a box from the pocket of my coat. I felt its weight in my hands before I shakily put it on the table. I opened the lid and fingered the heavy ring, wondered what made me fabricate an excuse about needing to use the restroom just so I could get it.

  I told myself it had looked lonely on the table, that I was only taking it so I can give it back to him. That it's what a friend would do.

  Except that wasn't quite
right, either, was it?

  Not for the first time tonight I wished I was more like my sister. She would not have hesitated to say what was on her mind many years ago. She would have asked Jung Hwan directly if he really was kidding.

  She would have told him how she felt.

  I sighed before I closed the lid, wrapped my arms around myself. Jung Hwan had sounded so convincing when he told Dong Ryong matter of factly that he had been merely granting his wish. But then again, why did everything he said before then sound true, too?

  I remembered the times before school, the morning on the school bus. The pink shirt. I remember them, too. I treasured those moments, too.

  I don’t really understand why he had to bring up all those things, especially that pink shirt. Besides, if it had made him so happy why did he give it to his brother? It had been so characteristic of the Jung Hwan I always knew it shouldn't have surprised me, but it still hurt.

  That had marked the day I began to consciously disentangle my feelings from him. Except it didn't quite work.

  Still, life moved forward. Weeks turned into months and then months into years. I began to date while pushing memories of Jung Hwan to the back of my mind. I learned to forget that once upon a time I had been a girl who only wanted him to acknowledge me.