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LIVING IN AN EMOTIONALLY REPRESSED HOUSEHOLD
NOTES: In this kind of household, one or both parents do not support a child’s emotional growth. They use disinterest, avoidance, ridicule, or rejection to invalidate what the child feels and discourage emotional displays. Often the root cause is a mental disorder, an addiction, or a negative coping strategy stemming from a trauma that the parent(s) experienced before the child was born.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
It’s better to keep emotions in than be ridiculed for feeling them.
I am not deserving of love.
No one cares what I think or feel.
Joy is an impossible dream.
It’s better to just shut up and toe the line.
What I think and feel doesn’t matter because I don’t matter.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Rejection and abandonment
Attachment and love
Criticism and ridicule
Strong emotions and being overwhelmed by them
That they will never belong
Social situations where they lack the knowledge or experience to navigate them successfully
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Wanting to express one’s emotions but not knowing how
Resentment toward one’s parent(s) for their emotional unavailability
Wondering why one’s parents even had children
Having a distant relationship with one’s parents
Growing frustrated when someone talks but refuses to listen
Being unable to cry freely
Feeling “different” and disconnected from others
Feeling awkward in one’s own skin
Struggling to identify what one is feeling
Having frequent low times when one feels melancholy, sentimental, or sad
Feeling unworthy when people show one love or kindness
Being labeled as uptight because one struggles to relax and have fun
Becoming agreeable as a way of avoiding having to explain one’s emotional position
Craving intimacy, affection, and free expression, but feeling unable to give or receive it
Feeling deep shame or embarrassment when strong emotions well up
Keeping secrets
Having well-defined boundaries and keeping people at arm’s length
Having few close friends
Not sharing accomplishments or sources of pride with others
Bottling up emotions until they explode
Being unsure of the appropriate emotional response in some situations
Having reserved body language (smaller movements and reactions)
Shutting down and disengaging when high emotions are triggered
Sticking to comfortable routines
Needing and seeking approval (by working hard, going above and beyond, etc.) to feel worthy
Being a follower due to one’s lack of identity
Discomfort in social situations that involve engaging with new (or many) people
Overreacting when one feels cornered and unable to safely disengage or deploy coping mechanisms
A profound sense of grief over one’s lack of emotional connections, leading to substance abuse
Continuing the cycle with one’s children and holding back emotionally
Feeling compassion and empathy but being overwhelmed by both
Becoming overly protective of loved ones and possibly smothering them
A desire to be there for people who need help but not always knowing how
Breaking the cycle and showing one’s children emotional support and advocacy
Being a deep thinker
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Calm, cooperative, diplomatic, disciplined, gentle, humble, independent, introverted, kind, loyal, merciful, nurturing, pensive, private, professional, proper, protective, responsible, sentimental, studious
Flaws: Addictive, apathetic, controlling, humorless, inhibited, insecure, irresponsible, needy, nervous, oversensitive, resentful, scatterbrained, subservient, timid, uncommunicative, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being dismissed by someone
Family holidays and gatherings where one knows the interactions will be superficial
One’s parents not showing interest in their grandchildren and making lame excuses for not visiting
Achieving something wonderful but feeling awkward about telling anyone about it
Having something bad happen and feeling the void of parental support
Facing a hard decision and needing advice
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A health crisis that raises the desire to try and reconcile with one’s parents
Reaching a breaking point and choosing to facilitate healing by cutting off one’s parents
Wanting to find love and connection and knowing one must practice self-care first to do so
Recognizing that one is holding back in a promising new relationship
Seeing one’s child struggling to express the same emotions one typically represses
Seeing one’s partner parent with no difficulty while one struggles, and wishing to change this
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LIVING WITH AN ABUSIVE CAREGIVER
NOTES: Abuse in this entry is centered on the physical and psychological sort. (For information on sexual abuse, please see CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE BY A KNOWN PERSON). Caregivers may be parents, adult family members, adoptive or foster parents, or adults from organizations or institutions that were part of the child’s life. When abuse happens at the hand of a trusted caregiver, the aftereffects can be especially traumatic and long lasting. Chronic maltreatment is particularly destructive and can alter the structure of a child’s brain during this critical, formative stage.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
No one wants something that’s broken.
Dying is the only way to be free of pain.
Being alone is safer.
I am as useless as my parents said I was.
People will always use love to hurt you.
Life will never get better.
People can sense I am a victim and they will always prey on me.
To take my life back, I need to get revenge.
To avoid being the victim, I must become the aggressor.
A system that fails to protect kids cannot be trusted.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Rejection and abandonment
Having to rely on other people
Love (because it can be used against you)
People in authority or gatekeepers who have a measure of control over them
The caregiver
Happiness or success, because they can easily be taken away
Being vulnerable and exposed
Being victimized again
People finding out about their past
That the caregiver was right about them having no value
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Depression and anxiety
Developing a psychiatric disorder
High-risk behaviors, such as smoking, drug use, and unprotected sex
Becoming ill or experiencing chronic pain caused by stress
Often feeling fatigued and worn down
Jumpiness and heightened arousal; being sensitive to the changes in one’s environment
Having nightmares or night terrors
PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
Battling low self-esteem and low self-worth
Developing an eating disorder or becoming obese
Escaping or dissociating when people yell or scream
Being unable to recall certain parts of one’s childhood
Trust issues that impact one’s ability to form friendships and other intimate relationships
Making poor relationship choices (e.g., choosing an abusive partner or a neglectful one)
Flashbacks triggered by certain words, images, or sensory stimuli
Viewing the world as a dangerous place
Difficulty coping with stress
Self-mutilation, thoughts of suicide, or suicide attempts
Distorted thinking about possible harm that may befall oneself and loved ones
Feeling powerless when something negative happens
Underestimating one’s abilities, talents, and influence
Not trusting one’s feelings or instincts
Trying to suppress emotions, which leads to volatile outbursts
Having a hard time expressing anger in an appropriate way
Projecting one’s feelings about past hurts onto others
Having a difficult time asking for help
Overthinking, worrying, and having thoughts that won’t turn off
A deep fear that one might abuse others, especially one’s children
Seeking therapy
Becoming a protector or advocate for vulnerable individuals, animals, causes, etc.
Trying to find joy in small things, since large ones can seem impossible
Appreciating the things others take for granted
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, cautious, courageous, empathetic, generous, independent, just, merciful, nurturing, observant, protective, simple, socially aware, unselfish
Flaws: Cruel, dishonest, disrespectful, gullible, hostile, humorless, hypocritical, impulsive, inhibited, irrational, manipulative, needy, nervous, oversensitive, paranoid
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Witnessing an act of violence
Being yelled at, grabbed, or shaken
Hearing the same insults and slurs one’s abuser used
Sounds, smells, objects, or places that remind one of the abuse
Discussions about family; people sharing happy childhood memories
Violence being aired on TV, in movies, or shown by media
Reading a book that contains abuse
Seeing a person who resembles one’s attacker in appearance, manner, or habits
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Wanting to have a child but fearing one will continue the dysfunctional parental cycle
Meeting someone in need of support and realizing that to give it, one must also receive it
Being in a twelve-step program and wanting to make amends for one’s poor choices
Becoming suicidal and needing help
Discovering someone else is being abused and wanting to help
Being asked to share one’s story and help others
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NOT BEING A PRIORITY GROWING UP
NOTES: This wound differs from neglect in that a character’s basic needs were provided, but anything that might lead to greater happiness and satisfaction was absent. One’s likes and dislikes were of little to no interest, achievements may have gone unnoticed, and a parent’s work, hobbies, and desires would have come first. It is also possible that other siblings may have been put before the child; if this was the case, see the HAVING PARENTS WHO FAVORED ONE CHILD OVER ANOTHER entry for additional ideas.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
The world will never see me, no matter what I do.
Other people should come first because they are more important.
I am a follower, not a leader.
People only notice those who are exceptional.
I shouldn’t expect too much out of life.
As long as I help others do what they love, I’ll have value.
Putting my own dreams and desires first means I’m selfish.
People walk all over me because I’m weak.
I don’t matter, and nothing I do will make any difference.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
That their needs and desires will never be a priority
Becoming a parent who minimizes their own children, continuing the cycle
Choosing their own path and making a huge mistake
That their life truly has no meaning
Never making a difference, having an impact, or feeling special in any way
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Difficulty standing up for oneself
Becoming overly accommodating and being taken advantage of
Being easily intimidated
Bowing out rather than competing with others
Becoming a people pleaser and hating oneself for it
Making choices that will gain a parent’s approval
Letting others choose (activities, vacation spots, etc.) and just going along with things
Feeling overwhelmed with choices when one does have to make a decision
Self-identity struggles
Low self-esteem; focusing on one’s weaknesses rather than one’s strengths
Being stuck in the past and wishing one could start over
Being unable to decide what one really wants out of life
Struggling to ask for things that one wants
Appreciating any praise or attention one receives, regardless of who it’s from
Being deeply wounded when someone cancels plans or doesn’t show up
Always wondering if people who cancel have a legitimate reason
Difficulty asking others for help due to not wanting to be a burden
Never being the first to make a move in relationships
Choosing partners who are highly assertive or even narcissistic
Feeling that one is a coward for not speaking up
Negative self-talk that sabotages one’s boldness
Holding in anger until one explodes
Not sharing one’s achievements or good news because doing so makes one feel uncomfortable
Keeping a hobby, interest, or guilty pleasure a secret from others
Hating things one’s parents cared deeply about or loved to do
Avoiding places, people, and interests that bring to mind one’s low priority in the family
Being surprised when the personal information one disclosed to someone is remembered later
Making secret plans to chase a dream but not following through on it
Enjoying online interaction and relationships because they allow one to feel more confident
Feeling guilty putting time and money into one’s own interests if one is also responsible for others
Catering to a child’s every desire to avoid being like one’s own parents
Seeking help to overcome real or perceived weaknesses via books, courses, or mentors
Always making time for people no matter what
Offering small kindnesses (notes, gifts, favors, etc.) to let people know they are valued
Deep loyalty for close friends who show they care
Making new memories by doing things one didn’t get to do growing up
Nurturing one’s interests and refusing to feel guilty about doing so
Noticing and memorizing details about others (to show them they matter)
Always keeping one’s promises
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Ambitious, appreciative, cooperative, courteous, empathetic, friendly, generous, honorable, industrious, kind, loyal, obedient, persistent, supportive, unselfish
Flaws: Cowardly, inflexible, insecure, irrational, jealous, judgmental, martyr, needy, obsessive, oversensitive, self-indulgent, subservient, timid, weak-willed, workahol
ic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Conversations with a parent who discusses their own accomplishments, needs, etc.
Asking for something and being turned down for no good reason
A scenario where a parent has forgotten something important (serving a food one always hated or is allergic to, not remembering a career change or break-up, etc.)
A friend or family member failing to come through when one needs help or support
Someone forgetting a promise they made
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Realizing that one is in a domineering relationship and must get out or lose all sense of identity
Wanting to develop a gift or talent that others don’t recognize or care about
A health crisis or tragedy where one must become one’s own advocate
Wanting to do something altruistic but having to convince people to support the idea
Taking on a leadership role where the well-being of others depends on one’s success
Realizing that one’s child is self-serving or spoiled because one always put their desires first
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WITNESSING VIOLENCE AT A YOUNG AGE
EXAMPLES
Seeing domestic violence
Witnessing a crime, such as a mugging, a brutal fight, or a murder
Being present during a home invasion
Discovering a suicide
Witnessing a friend being assaulted by a parent, sibling, or person in authority
Being present during a terrorist attack (and the aftermath)
Witnessing the sexual assault of a sibling or friend, a parent, etc.
Watching a peer or adult torture an animal
Being taken hostage and having to watch captors abuse other victims
Seeing atrocities committed against people of a religion, race, or group
Being forced to attend violent rituals as part of a cult
Being present during a horrific traffic accident, including the aftermath
Being present during a firearm mishandling that results in grave injury or death