Being taken from one’s family and forced into slavery
Being a child solider
Witnessing police brutality
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
If you don’t want to be a victim, hit first.
Love can be used against you.
I can’t protect anyone because I’m weak.
People respect strength.
The system is broken and can’t protect anyone.
The world is a cruel place filled with people who are inherently evil.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Becoming a target of violence
That a loved one may be killed
Being abandoned
Isolation
Responsibility
Being separated from a loved one
Trusting people and letting them get close
Specific organizations, races, religions, groups, or people that were involved
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Anxiety issues
Difficulty sleeping
PTSD symptoms (panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, etc.)
Stomachaches or headaches
Pulling away from people; becoming uncommunicative or withdrawn
Needing to be in control (e.g., through manipulating others to get what one wants)
Bed-wetting and behavior problems (if the character is still young)
An increased level of aggression
Solving problems with physical violence
Becoming a juvenile delinquent
Difficulty connecting to other people, especially peers
Distrust or cynicism of authority and police (if one blames the system)
Holes in one’s memory
Difficulty relaxing
Eyeing unknown situations with mistrust
Resisting change
Adopting biases (e.g., believing that weak people deserve what they get)
Preferring to stay close to home
Becoming safety-conscious
Overreacting to perceived threats
Committing crimes as an adult
Being desensitized to violence
Growing anxious or mistrustful around strangers
Being hesitant to engage in any situation where one isn’t directly involved
Refusing to watch the news or listen to news reports
Choosing travel destinations carefully
Projecting one’s fears about violence onto others, especially one’s children
Becoming a helicopter parent
Monitoring the games, shows, and activities one’s children are exposed to
Being protective of the people one cares about
Advocating against violence
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, analytical, cautious, courageous, empathetic, honorable, just, loyal, nurturing, passionate, proactive, protective, resourceful, responsible, socially aware
Flaws: Antisocial, apathetic, confrontational, controlling, cowardly, cruel, dishonest, evasive, evil, hostile, impulsive, inflexible, inhibited, insecure, irrational, irresponsible
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Sensory triggers linked to one’s trauma (seeing a weapon or bruises, hearing screams, etc.)
Overhearing a news report of a similar violent event that has taken place
One’s child being hurt in an accident, in a fight at school, etc.
Visiting one’s parents (if one witnessed or was a victim of domestic abuse)
The sight of blood or tears
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering one’s child is being bullied or abused
Being trapped in a violent relationship and needing to get out
Being incarcerated and realizing one is heading for a point of no return
Being forced into a situation where one must engage in violence to survive or protect another
Assaulting someone and injuring them far more than one meant to
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
TRAUMATIC EVENTS
A CHILD DYING ON ONE’S WATCH
NOTES: In most cases of a child dying in one’s care—either one’s own child or another person’s son or daughter—those in charge blame themselves regardless of whether they were at fault or not. But in cases where the caregiver was even accidentally to blame, the weight of responsibility and regret can be crippling. To explore this kind of wound further, this entry will focus on cases where the caregiver may have unintentionally contributed to a child’s death but isn’t legally liable. For information on losing a son or daughter due to factors completely out of one’s control, see THE DEATH OF ONE’S CHILD.
EXAMPLES: A child dying due to…
Them being given food that contained a known allergen
Ingesting poison or medicine that wasn’t put away properly
A cord or paper bag causing strangulation
An accidental shooting while playing with a parent’s gun
A car backing over them
A maintenance hazard one hadn’t gotten around to fixing (a broken railing, a window that doesn’t lock, etc.)
A house fire that started with one’s lit cigarette or a space heater that was left on
A car accident where one was at fault
One denying a diagnosis of a communicable disease (like pneumonia) and accidentally infecting the child with it
Drowning while playing with friends in one’s pool
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t be responsible for the life of another.
I’m untrustworthy and irresponsible.
I’m a terrible parent.
This wouldn’t have happened on someone else’s watch.
I don’t deserve forgiveness.
I can’t keep my loved ones safe.
I am a danger to everyone around me. People are better off without me in their lives.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being responsible for someone else
Rejection by those who are unable to forgive
The judgment of others
Being deemed an unfit parent and having their other children taken away
Whatever caused the child’s death (water, driving, heights, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Falling into a deep depression
Sleeping too much or not at all
Being unable to stop crying, or being emotionally sensitive
Quitting one’s job and activities
Shirking one’s commitments
Withdrawing emotionally from the other children in one’s charge
Avoiding children and places where they gather
Becoming defensive; blaming others out of a need to prove one wasn’t responsible
Becoming obsessive or compulsive in an effort to not miss anything again
Being overprotective and overly strict with one’s remaining charges
Experiencing panic attacks when those in one’s charge are out of sight or unable to be reached
Withdrawing from others out of shame and guilt
Not opening up to others
Becoming a hermit
Contemplating or attempting suicide
Self-medicating
Becoming obsessed with the deceased child; being unable to let go or move forward
Engaging in self-destructive behaviors due to self-loathing
A reluctance to go out, meet people, or make new friends
Moving to a new house, city, or state in an effort to distance oneself from what happened
Creating a memorial
Making a donation of the child’s clothing or toys so others may benefit from them
Calling a friend, pastor, therapist, or hotline for help
Attending a group meeting for parents who have lost children
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, cautious, cooperative, meticulous, observant, private, proactive, protective, responsible
Flaws: Addictive, callous, cynical, evasive, fussy, humorless, inhibited, insecure, irrational, irresponsible, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, possessive, resentful, self-destructive, temperamental, uncommunicative, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being thrust into a situation where one must watch over someone else’s child
Having to attend other events (such as a birthday party) with one’s surviving charges
Discovering forgotten artwork or gifts from the deceased child
Being in a situation or at a similar place where the event occurred
Having to buy gifts for other children, such as at Christmas or for a bar mitzvah
Milestones associated with the deceased child (birthdays, developmental stages that would have been reached, etc.)
Mentions of the deceased child’s name
Losing a job opportunity (as a nanny, babysitter, etc.) when the potential employer learns about the child who died on one’s watch
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Seeing another adult accidentally endanger a child, and finally accepting that it can happen to anyone
Experiencing fallout (a divorce due to one’s inability to cope, a rift in the community, being sued, etc.) and knowing one needs help to process the guilt and pain
Being forgiven by the child’s parents and recognizing the need to forgive oneself
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
A HOUSE FIRE
EXAMPLES: One’s home catching fire due to…
Faulty wiring
A lightning strike
A grease fire in the kitchen
Unattended food burning on the stove
Space heaters being left on
A dirty chimney
Careless smokers
A child playing with matches
Flammable liquids igniting
A candle left burning near a curtain
Frayed Christmas tree lights
Arson
Forest fires or wildfires
An elderly family member who suffers from dementia leaving the stove on
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t be trusted with anything important (if one feels at fault).
I can’t trust important things to anyone but me (if one is not at fault).
It’s better not to get attached to anyone or anything.
I can’t ever be truly safe.
If I stay in one place long enough, something bad will inevitably happen.
Through meticulous planning, I can keep something like this from happening again.
I must cling tightly to my loved ones to keep them safe.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Fire
Losing irreplaceable heirlooms or sentimental items
Making another huge mistake that has serious consequences
Being responsible for the death of a loved one
Not being able to ensure the safety of loved ones
Their children suffering prolonged trauma from the event
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Obsessively checking one’s new residence for anything that could cause another fire to start
Moving often, so as not to become attached to a home
Renting rather than owning so someone else will be responsible for the premises
Overreaching one’s budget and buying a nicer place in the hopes it will be safer
Only purchasing functional items that can easily be replaced
Disdaining materialism; becoming stingy
Hoarding material items to compensate for what was lost
Avoiding situations that make one responsible for the lives of others, such as hosting sleepovers (if the fire was one’s fault)
Withdrawing from others out of guilt or shame
Micromanaging others (if the fault was someone else’s)
Smothering loved ones out of a fear of losing them
Going overboard in regard to fire safety (buying only fire-retardant clothing, downloading apps that test the air quality in one’s house and send updates via text message, etc.)
Avoiding open flames (candles, a fire in the fireplace, etc.)
Giving up smoking
Always sleeping with the bedroom door open so one will wake immediately if something’s wrong
Checking the house and family members throughout the night
Keeping mementos and documents elsewhere (in a safety deposit box, for example)
Adhering to healthy fire-safety practices (changing smoke detector batteries frequently, creating an evacuation plan, etc.)
Joining a fire department as a volunteer
Appreciating one’s blessings, knowing they can be taken away without warning
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, alert, analytical, appreciative, cautious, grateful, meticulous, nurturing, simple, thrifty
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, fussy, humorless, morbid, needy, obsessive, pessimistic, possessive, stingy, ungrateful, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Sensory input associated with the fire (the smell of smoke, a fire’s crackle, flickering firelight, etc.)
Not being able to find a beloved heirloom, then realizing it must have been lost in the fire
A fire truck screaming by
The sight of fire hazards in someone’s home (exposed wiring, cigarettes left burning, etc.)
A fire alarm going off while cooking
Seeing one’s child trying to play with matches
A fire breaking out elsewhere that endangers a loved one (e.g., at a child’s school or spouse’s office)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being caught in a building where a fire has started and needing to get oneself and others to safety
A forest fire threatening one’s community
A forced evacuation (caused by a flood, earthquake, or other disaster) where one must leave everything behind
Seeing a son or daughter exhibiting abnormal fears related to fire and realizing it’s due to one’s phobic response to the event
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
A LIFE-THREATENING ACCIDENT
EXAMPLES
A transportation accident involving a car, boat, train, or plane
A carnival ride malfunction
Falling through a rotten floor (in a home, a condemned building, a wooden bridge, etc.)
Ground that gives way (due to snow covering a crevasse, a sink hole, etc.)
Falling through the ice on a lake
An accidental electrocution
Becoming tangled in underwater debris and nearly drowning
Being attacked by a wild animal
A rock-climbing fall due to malfunctioning gear
Falling out a window or off a roof
Construction accidents
A pedestrian or cyclist being run over by a vehicle
Being trampled by animals (a stampede) or people (in a riot, Black Friday insanity, etc.)
One’s clothing getting caught in machinery
Being buried (due to a sand pile collapsing, an avalanche, stepping in quicksand, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
The world is too dangerous; I’m only safe in my own house.
A boring life is better than being dead.
People only see my scars, not me.
I can never be who I was before this happened to me.
Death is everywhere so why pursue anything permanent (a family, dreams, etc.)?
I could die any time, so why do what’s safe?
I can’t trust my instincts.
The world does not need to be explored.
Others should make decisions for me since I’m too stupid to be in charge.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Nature, animals, or another element associated with the accident
Being alone or beyond contact
Blood, injuries, and pain
Being stranded
Danger and risk
Not knowing information and details
Making the wrong decision or choice
Travel
Sudden changes, and being caught unprepared
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Thinking in terms of the worst-case scenario
Over-planning to the point that it sucks the joy from everything
Sticking close to home; staying in rather than going out
Not wanting to do things alone
Avoiding activities with an element of risk that once brought great satisfaction
Seeking reassurances that a choice or action is safe
Checking in and constantly keeping tabs on loved ones
Checking statistics (safety protocols for an activity, safety ratings for transportation, etc.)
Needing to know the rules before engaging in relationships, activities, travel, etc.
Opposing activities related to the accident and barring one’s children from doing them
Reluctance or flat-out refusal to do things that are risky (skydiving, zip-lining, etc.)
Being alert to change (watching the weather, following recall notices for purchases, etc.)
Assessing the possible dangers of any location
Putting intuition first and leaving if something feels off
A reluctance to leave one’s comfort zone
Avoiding people and places tied to the accident