Looking to others for love and affection
Seeking connection and love by becoming sexually active at an early age
Needing reinforcement for one’s self-worth via compliments, attention, or accolades
Refusing to ask for help to avoid being seen as weak
Seeking approval by becoming a perfectionist
Taking on adult responsibilities to care for one’s sibling
Bonding deeply with one’s sibling despite hardships
Being fiercely loyal; standing up for one’s sibling when others tease or malign them
Empathizing with others who are ill
Engaging in social activism to raise awareness of the sibling’s illness
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, calm, curious, diplomatic, easygoing, generous, gentle, honorable, idealistic, independent, kind, loyal, mature, nurturing, passionate, patient
Flaws: Catty, childish, cynical, dishonest, disloyal, frivolous, grumpy, humorless, impatient, insecure, manipulative, martyr, melodramatic, morbid, needy, nervous
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing a parent favoring one child over the other
One’s plans being cancelled, even when no one is to blame
Disappointing others in small ways (burning a romantic dinner, choosing the wrong gift, etc.)
Having an important accomplishment or event overshadowed by someone else
Experiencing symptoms that correspond with the sibling’s illness or disorder
Favoritism and slights as an adult (e.g., parents always staying at the sibling’s house for Christmas)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Conceiving a child and worrying that he or she will inherit the sibling’s affliction
The death of one’s sibling
Participating in a charity event and becoming more empathetic toward one’s sibling
Having a child develop a condition that requires extra attention and not wanting to make one’s other children feel minimized
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
HAVING A CONTROLLING OR OVERLY STRICT PARENT
EXAMPLES: Being raised by a parent who…
Criticized one’s weight and eating habits
Established rules (even unrealistic ones) to be obeyed without question
Meddled in one’s social life, including choosing friends and activities
Imposed a strict dress code that allowed no room for self-expression
Manipulated situations to get one to obey or agree with their choices
Ignored emotional pain in order to encourage one to toughen up
Withheld love and affection when one disagreed or didn’t behave as expected
Applied harsh punishments for poor academics or rule infractions
Critiqued one’s actions and performances so mistakes wouldn’t be repeated in the future
Insisted on rigorous practices or instruction in a skill area to increase proficiency
Heaped praise on one’s rivals in order to motivate one into working harder
Never admitted to being wrong or not knowing what was best
Was hypocritical, doing things they forbade one to do
Threw away cherished items when they determined it was time for one to move on or let go
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’ll never be good enough.
I’m a huge disappointment.
My ideas are flawed and shouldn’t be trusted.
I need constant structure or my weaknesses will take over.
If I fail at anything, I will prove my parents right.
In order to have value, I have to be the best.
Second place is the same as losing.
Someone else should make decisions for me because I’ll only mess things up.
I can’t have kids because I’ll ruin them the same way my parents did me.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Failing
Being imperfect
Love being withdrawn
Disappointing others; not measuring up
Screwing up something important
Being placed in the spotlight, put in charge, or having to lead
Being shamed and scrutinized
Making a bad choice that will prove their parents right
Expressing their emotions and being vulnerable
Freedom and choices
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Being hard on oneself (via negative self-talk, forcing oneself to work harder to achieve, etc.)
Striving for perfection in all things
Becoming a workaholic
Believing that achievement leads to love
Having a poor work-life balance
Second-guessing one’s decisions (what to wear, do, etc.)
Asking for advice when decisions need to be made; needing reassurance
Struggling with identity issues
Becoming a people pleaser
Making one’s achievements known to others in order to be validated
Developing nervous habits, an eating disorder, a stutter, etc.
Choosing partners who resemble one’s parent (controlling, narcissistic, inflexible, etc.)
Low self-esteem; seeing oneself as flawed or being devoid of the “right” qualities
Being exceedingly self-critical; berating oneself for mistakes or less-than-optimal results
Exerting control by placing extreme restrictions on one’s diet, activities, spending, etc.
Punishing oneself for perceived wrongs by avoiding fun activities, desires, or pleasures
Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol
Finding it difficult to self-advocate
Being uncomfortable when asked what one wants
Feeling personally responsible when things don’t go right
Burying one’s emotions and feeling shame for having them
Lying to avoid judgment or getting in trouble
Openly defying authority
Experiencing regret for following a parent’s desires and missing out on one’s dreams
Blaming one’s parents for one’s mistakes
Hostility toward one’s parents
Being overly strict (repeating the cycle) or lax (overcompensating) with one’s children
As an adult, limiting what one shares with one’s parents to avoid arguments and judgment
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, ambitious, bold, courteous, disciplined, efficient, focused, industrious, loyal, meticulous, obedient, organized, persistent, private, proactive
Flaws: Addictive, cynical, dishonest, evasive, inflexible, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, needy, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, rebellious, resentful, stubborn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Failing in an area where one is expected to succeed
Being paired with a boss, work partner, or mentor who is overly critical
Conversations with the parent that turn into critique sessions
Having one’s own children “judged” by their grandparent
Parental gifts that are not-so-subtle hints (a gym membership, a self-help book, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Struggling to retain employees at work because one’s expectations are set impossibly high
Taking on too much work and responsibility and needing help to avoid catastrophic failure
Needing to care for an elderly parent and not wanting to allow the toxicity into one’s home
An addiction escalating to the point where one needs to come to terms with the cause
The realization that one is repeating the cycle with one’s own spouse or children
RETURN TO
THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
HAVING PARENTS WHO FAVORED ONE CHILD OVER ANOTHER
EXAMPLES: Being raised by parents who…
Doted on a child because of a special skill, talent, or quality
Put most or all their time into one child’s interests and hobbies
Favored birth children over stepchildren (taking them on special trips, buying them gifts, etc.)
Had different rules and privileges for one child because of gender, birth order, etc.
Were more affectionate with one child
Always blamed one, even when a sibling was at fault
Disciplined one more harshly than the other children for the same transgressions
Bonded more with one child because of his or her pleasant disposition
Catered to one child because of an illness or condition
Pushed one child harder because he or she showed promise (to incentivize success) or because of behavioral issues (tough love)
Gave one child more freedom than the other
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’ll never be as good as my sibling, so why try?
If I try harder to be good, maybe they’ll love me just as much.
There must be something wrong with me.
I can’t please them; nothing I do is good enough.
Being alone is better than being with people who don’t want me.
I will never measure up to those around me.
Love is conditional.
If you aren’t first, you’re last.
Everything in life is a competition.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being rejected
Competing with others
Being one-upped or outperformed by others
Disappointing people
Making themselves vulnerable
Loving others (since love can be withdrawn)
Failure
Never being able to distinguish themselves
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
People-pleasing behaviors; doing things for praise
Trying to find a way to stand out and make one’s parents proud
Striving for perfection to gain a parent’s attention and unconditional love
Seeking negative attention when positive attention is denied
Resentment toward one’s sibling
Seeking ways to undermine the sibling
Being drawn to adults (a teacher, a friend’s mom, etc.) who show interest or offer praise
Having a strained relationship with one’s sibling
Seeing everything as a competition
Being sensitive to even perceived favoritism in all areas of life
Needing frequent reassurance in romantic and work relationships
Difficulty with teamwork and team-building; preferring to work alone
Going above and beyond in relationships (via lavishing attention, caretaking, etc.)
Always comparing oneself to one’s siblings
A sibling’s name being a trigger for anger or resentment
Becoming an overachiever
As an adult, struggling to be happy for the sibling when he or she succeeds
Becoming subservient to aging parents in hopes of being seen in a new light
Accidentally repeating the parent’s mistakes with one’s own children
Avoiding one’s family as an adult
Seeking validation and love from people other than one’s parent
Making sure everything is fair when parenting one’s own children
Showing love and affection to others without reserve
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Ambitious, appreciative, cooperative, diplomatic, empathetic, generous, honorable, humble, independent, introverted, just, responsible, sentimental, supportive, wise
Flaws: Confrontational, defensive, disloyal, disrespectful, possessive, rebellious, reckless, rowdy, self-destructive, stubborn, subservient, timid, vindictive, workaholic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
As an adult, perceiving a slight (real or imagined) by one’s parent
Being a victim of favoritism at work or within a social circle
Being rejected romantically while someone else succeeds
Holidays that bring the family together, making the inequity obvious
Time with one’s parent being dominated by conversation about one’s sibling
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Experiencing feelings of resentment even after the favoritism has stopped
Being overly competitive (at work, in relationships, etc.) and losing friends or a lover because of it
The constant need for validation causing problems in one’s marriage
Recognizing that one is unintentionally favoring one child over another
Growing jealous of the achievements of one’s child and feeling insecure as attention is placed on him or her
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
LIVING IN A DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD
EXAMPLES: Growing up…
In a high crime area
Where neighborhood gangs fight over territory or apply heavy pressure on people to join
In a location stalked by a specific predator (human or otherwise)
Where bombings, minefields, or gun violence are a constant threat
Where militant groups perform routine kidnappings and violence
In an area that has frequent biological or chemical threats
Where extreme poverty gives rise to desperation and fighting over resources
In a prominent drug trafficking location
In an area where one is not only unwelcome but is despised (for one’s religious affiliations, race, etc.)
In a place that has been abandoned for political reasons by police or the government
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t escape this type of life.
The world doesn’t care about people like me.
The only way to survive is to become what I hate.
The only way I can have anything is to take it.
There’s no justice in this world.
I can’t protect the people I love.
I’m not strong or powerful enough to stand up against the opposition (a group, a gang, etc.).
Nothing I do will change anything.
All these people (of a specific race, affiliation, religion, etc.) are evil, corrupt, or dangerous.
To survive, you must embrace violence.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being hurt or killed
Not being able to protect their family
Being taken advantage of
Losing hope and simply giving in or giving up
Trusting the wrong person
A specific people group, the government, or those in power
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Heightened awareness; subconsciously checking one’s surroundings for danger
Lying when it’s prudent to do so and pretending to be something one is not
Erecting a wall around one’s emotions
Being uncommunicative with others
Taking chances or behaving recklessly
Gravitating to or admiring those within one’s group who are powerful, respected, and feared
Having a difficult time taking people at their word
Pessimism and negativity
Cynicism due to broken promises, propaganda, and seeing the ugliness in people
Passing one’s biases on to one’s children
Prioritizing security (e.g., adding locks and alarm systems)
Hiding things to keep them safe
Mistrust of stran
gers and authority
Making do with less, even if one can afford better, to avoid becoming a target
Pursuing whatever might allow one to escape (education, sports, relocating, etc.)
Formulating and pursuing a plan to escape to a better place
Adopting flexible moral beliefs; doing whatever it takes to survive
Turning a blind eye to one’s own safety
Being so focused on day-to-day survival that one doesn’t make plans for the future
Becoming highly protective of one’s family
Pushing one’s children to make better choices
Ensuring one’s children stay busy to keep them out of trouble
Returning to the old neighborhood to help improve it (through a rehabilitation project, opening a shelter, etc.)
Mentoring young people from one’s former neighborhood
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, bold, cautious, disciplined, discreet, focused, idealistic, independent, just, loyal, nurturing, observant, persistent, private, proactive, protective, simple, spiritual, thrifty
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, apathetic, callous, confrontational, controlling, cruel, cynical, dishonest, evasive, fanatical, hostile, impatient, irrational, judgmental, macho, manipulative, nervous, pessimistic, rebellious, reckless, self-destructive, stubborn, suspicious, timid, volatile, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Learning that a peaceful neighbor or friend has been claimed by violence
Hearing rumors of a family member hanging out with a gang
The presence of police cars and officers
Learning about the sexual assault of a friend or family member as they walked home
Hearing gun shots or sirens
Being mugged
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Birthing a child and realizing that, if something doesn’t change, he or she will face the same difficulties one struggled with growing up
Being victimized by those who are supposed to provide protection (the police, lawmakers, etc.)
Escaping the neighborhood but leaving loved ones behind in the process