THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Loving or becoming connected to someone only to lose them
Rejection and abandonment
Poverty
Being bullied, abused, and hurt
Trusting someone and being betrayed
That life will never get better
Becoming attached to any person or place
People in positions of strength, power, and authority
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Behavioral volatility; growing angry quickly
Keeping secrets and being uncommunicative
Lying or making up untruths, even when they aren’t important
Telling people what they want to hear
Being highly private
Being very protective of one’s possessions and close relationships
Avoiding locations, activities, and groups that have a strong family focus
Keeping a bug-out bag or secret stash of items in case one has to leave quickly
Steering conversations away from personal topics
Pushing people away as a defense mechanism
Difficulty sharing certain things
Craving routine, yet being unable to adapt to it easily
Wanting stability and permanence but questioning whether one deserves these things
Looking for exits; being watchful for danger or threats
PTSD symptoms (being in constant fight-or-flight mode, startling easily, etc.)
Trust issues; difficulty taking people at their word
Daydreaming of a future time when one is independent and not under the thumb of others
Being disdainful of promises due to a desire to avoid more disappointment
Difficulty asking for help, relying on people, or admitting that one needs others
Being surprised when people follow through or do what they say
A tendency to hoard certain things (money, food or items symbolizing what one was denied, etc.)
Being emotionally unattached in relationships; choosing partners for convenience or shared goals
Viewing sex as being different than intimacy
Living sparsely; not forming attachments to places or things, yet craving something permanent
Being highly empathetic; wanting to save others who are at risk and going to great lengths to do so
Becoming fiercely loyal to the few people one allows to get close
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, cautious, courageous, disciplined, idealistic, imaginative, independent, introverted, just, loyal, mature, nurturing, observant, perceptive, persuasive, private, proactive, protective, resourceful, sentimental, thrifty, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, antisocial, apathetic, confrontational, cruel, cynical, devious, dishonest, evasive, hostile, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, needy, paranoid, pessimistic, rebellious, reckless, resentful, self-destructive, stubborn, temperamental, uncommunicative, violent, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Someone failing to show up when they said they would
A break-up that causes one to be alone again
Seeing parents who are mistreating or ignoring their children
Sensory or situational reminders of one’s negative foster care experiences (a ratty towel, being in an enclosed space, smelling an odor associated with an abusive caregiver, etc.)
Finding oneself back in the foster home’s neighborhood
Being innocently asked about one’s childhood or hometown
Family-centric holidays that reinforce connection and closeness, such as Thanksgiving and birthdays
Locations where families typically gather (picnic sites, campgrounds, amusement parks, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being in an accident that could have left one’s child parentless, and realizing one needs other people
Trying to help a distressed foster child but being unable to draw him or her out
Wanting to become an advocate for children (perhaps by becoming a foster parent or social worker)
Desiring a relationship with someone who also struggles with trust and connection
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP IN THE PUBLIC EYE
EXAMPLES
Coming from a family with extreme wealth
Having a parent who is important and well connected (e.g., the head of a government organization)
Having a parent who is a famous movie star, entertainer, athlete, etc.
Being part of a royal family
Being part of a very old and powerful family—of aristocrats, for example
Having an infamous parent, such as a serial killer or terrorist bomber
Being famous oneself (a singing prodigy, an actor, a beauty queen, etc.)
Being famous for an unusual talent, like being able to talk to the dead or heal people
Coming from a political family (of senators, governors, diplomats, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I don’t know who I am, just what I’m supposed to be.
I can’t afford to make mistakes.
People expect me to be just like my famous mother (or father, grandparent, etc.).
Everyone wants me to fail because I’m famous.
People only want to use me for my fame.
The cards are stacked against me. (if one’s fame is negative)
Without my fame, I am nothing.
I have the same genes; what if I’m a monster too? (if the fame came from a parent’s notoriety)
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Trusting the wrong person
Public embarrassment
Making a decision that will haunt them forever
Never measuring up
Letting people down
Taking risks
Being vulnerable and being taken advantage of or betrayed
A secret being discovered that could ruin their reputation
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Being obsessive about one’s appearance (clothing, hair, behavior, etc.)
Holding back rather than taking risks out of a fear of publicly screwing up
Being more mature than one’s peers; having to grow up fast in the limelight
Being unable to relate to “regular” peers
Keeping secrets or avoiding voicing one’s opinion
Obsessing over one’s imperfections
Being very hard on oneself
False bravado; pretending to be overly confident
Having few genuine close friendships
Becoming a “mean girl” or something similar to shield oneself from haters
Doing what one is told and not thinking for oneself
Working hard and not making time for oneself; trying to keep up with expectations
Engaging in anonymous activities to feel like a regular person (wearing disguises, visiting chat boards with a fake name, etc.)
Using alcohol to loosen up and not feel so self-conscious
Using drugs to cope with high expectations or to escape
Purposely acting in ways that defy the expectations of others
Becoming entitled; believing one is above the law
Trying to buy one’s way into situations or out of trouble
Needing things to be bigger, better, and riskier to enjoy them
Not knowing who one is because one is always playing a part for the media
Messy burnouts and meltdowns from the pressure
Seeking therapy (and help for addictions, if one has them)
Striving to distinguish oneself in healthy ways
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, cautious, cooperative, courteous, disciplined, discreet, extroverted, gen
erous, hospitable, independent, introverted, kind, loyal, mature, meticulous, obedient, organized, patient, private, proactive, proper, responsible, sentimental, socially aware, sophisticated, supportive, talented, unselfish
Flaws: Addictive, callous, cocky, compulsive, confrontational, cynical, defensive, evasive, extravagant, foolish, frivolous, fussy, haughty, hypocritical, impatient, insecure, irresponsible, lazy, materialistic, melodramatic, paranoid, pretentious, rebellious, reckless, self-destructive, self-indulgent, selfish, tactless, temperamental, timid, vain, volatile, whiny, workaholic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Discovering that a trusted friend is only interested in one’s fame and lifestyle
A friend revealing one’s well-kept secret
Being ripped apart in the media for spurning reporters
Being misrepresented in the tabloids
Being swarmed by paparazzi or fans when one was hoping to get away and de-stress
Having one’s privacy invaded by the media
An entitled fan demanding an autograph or a selfie
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Watching friends with normal lives follow their own paths, and wanting to do the same
Developing a drug habit or other vice that is not sustainable
Having a dream that conflicts with family expectations
Developing depression and anxiety disorders that cause one to contemplate suicide
Having a sibling who is struggling with the pressure and knowing they need an advocate
Watching one’s child having difficulty relating to others
Trying hard to maintain a clean public image, then being maligned by the media for something one didn’t do
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP IN THE SHADOW OF A SUCCESSFUL SIBLING
EXAMPLES: Growing up with a brother or sister who…
Excelled at a sport
Was gifted in the arts
Succeeded academically
Was a celebrity
Was a prodigy
Was extremely popular or well-liked
Was incredibly beautiful or handsome
Excelled at everything he or she did
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m ugly (or stupid, clumsy, etc.).
I’m not good at anything.
I will never be able to distinguish myself.
I have nothing to offer.
I can’t compete, so it’s pointless to try.
People will always be more interested in my sibling than in me.
No matter what I do in life, it won’t be good enough.
If you want people to love you, you have to stand out.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never being able to distinguish himself
Inadequacy
Failing (and proving their inferiority)
Being loved less than the sibling
Being pitied
Conditional love
Taking risks and ending up worse off than they are now
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Pursuing an interest other than the one in which a sibling excels (even if one loves the same things)
Being driven to succeed
Struggling with low self-worth
Needing desperately to distinguish oneself
Always feeling one-upped by the sibling
Friction with the sibling caused by one’s inferiority complex
Constantly competing with the sibling out of a desire to beat them at anything
Having low expectations for oneself
Enjoying a sibling’s struggles or failures, then feeling guilty about it
Becoming needy out of a desire to gain affection
Adopting negative attention-seeking behaviors (being rebellious, fighting, abusing drugs, etc.)
Confusing the sibling’s kindness with pity, and rejecting it
Becoming devious or dishonest in order to appear more successful than one actually is
Undermining one’s sibling so he or she will lose favor with others
Rejecting one’s sibling as a peer; choosing friends who are part of a different peer group
Becoming subservient to one’s sibling; losing one’s sense of personal identity
Trying to be just like one’s sibling
Being always on the lookout for favoritism, especially with one’s parents and relatives
Becoming a people pleaser
Relishing praise and compliments but wondering if they’re genuine
Withdrawing from others
Using a sibling’s accomplishments to get what one wants (access to a club or group, attention from the opposite sex, etc.)
Purposely adopting positive traits that are different than one’s sibling’s (being merciful, easygoing, unselfish, etc.)
Healthily distancing oneself from the sibling to cut down on drama and conflict
Determining to take the high ground and support one’s sibling rather than tear them down
Seeking to mend the relationship
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Ambitious, charming, courteous, disciplined, empathetic, flirtatious, imaginative, independent, pensive, persistent, private, quirky, responsible, studious, supportive
Flaws: Catty, childish, cynical, devious, frivolous, humorless, insecure, irrational, lazy, needy, oversensitive, rebellious, resentful, temperamental, timid, vindictive, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Achieving something great but it being overshadowed by another’s accomplishment
Parents missing an important moment in one’s life to attend a sibling’s event
Discovering that one is being used by a friend to get to one’s sibling
As an adult, being constantly overshadowed by a co-worker, parent, or other person
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering that one’s sibling is also dealing with identity issues and is wanting to choose a different path but feels unable to do so
One’s sibling turning to drugs to cope, and realizing that one can step in and offer support
One’s parents blatantly favoring the sibling’s children over one’s own, causing one to take action
Pursuing a passion despite a lack of giftedness and finding joy, regardless of the outcome
Wanting to be supportive and happy for a partner who has received acclaim
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GROWING UP WITH A SIBLING’S DISABILITY OR CHRONIC ILLNESS
EXAMPLES: Getting through childhood can be difficult enough when life isn’t overly complicated. But having a sibling with chronic, long-term, or complex issues that require extra financial and physical attention from caregivers can make things much harder. Some examples of these issues include having a sibling with…
A traumatic brain injury
A failing organ in need of a transplant
Cancer
AIDS
Cystic fibrosis, congenital heart problems, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy, seizure disorders, and other long-term afflictions
Life-threatening eating disorders
A physical disfigurement (loss of a limb, visible scarring, abnormal growths, etc.)
Blindness, deafness, or muteness
Mental disorders (OCD, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc.)
Developmental disorders (autism spectrum disorders, Down syndrome, Tourette’s, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
My parents love him
or her more than me.
It doesn’t matter what I do; my sibling will always be more important than me.
This (parents divorcing, being unable to pursue a passion, etc.) is my sibling’s fault.
I’m a terrible person for feeling anger (or resentment, frustration, etc.) about this.
Life is not permanent. I could die at any time.
I need to excel in some way so this gift of good health isn’t squandered.
The only constant in life is pain. Anything good will be taken from me eventually.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
The sibling dying
Dying or being struck with the same affliction
That life will never be any different
Never being able to achieve their dreams
Always being loved second best by their parents (or a spouse, their children, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Avoiding the sibling in public (as a child)
Acting out as a way of getting a parent’s attention (when young)
Overachieving as a means of earning a parent’s love
Becoming independent out of necessity
Seeking comfort and escape as a youth through overindulging (in food, gaming, etc.)
Developing an eating disorder
Maturing early emotionally
Becoming overly compliant to one’s parents so as not to add to their burden
Hiding one’s true feelings because one feels guilty about them
Getting upset over little things
Distancing oneself from the family unit
Becoming anxious about oneself or a parent falling ill
Exhibiting hypochondriac tendencies
Rebelling against authority; becoming defiant
Difficulties focusing and concentrating at school
Sneaking out to escape one’s home and the constant reminders of illness
Acting out whenever the sibling’s circumstances interfere with one’s plans
Shyness with non-family members
Neediness in peer relationships
Blaming all of one’s misfortunes on the sibling’s illness