Making an important discovery (scientific, medical, etc.) and having an employer lay claim to it
Netting a big client, then having one’s boss take the credit
Discovering that one’s software or app has been pirated and distributed, cheating one of revenue
Seeing knockoffs of one’s work being sold by others
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
No one can be trusted.
I’ll never come up with an idea as good as that one.
I’m better off working alone.
If you start to get ahead, someone will always pull you down.
Why respect the rules of good conduct when no one else does?
To get by in this world, you’ve got to look out for number one.
You’re only guilty if you get caught.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being taken advantage of again
Never being acknowledged for anything
Trying to gain recognition in a specific area that is highly competitive
Having to work with others
Sharing their ideas or work with others
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Being reluctant to share fully with others
Difficulty working collaboratively
Trust issues that seep into all areas of one’s life
Losing favor with co-workers due to one’s inability to collaborate
Giving up on succeeding in the arena where one’s work was taken
Seeking to discredit the thief
Suing the offending party
Sabotaging the thief
Refusing to work with that person again
Playing the martyr
Becoming a resentful and bitter person
Suffering from stress-related health issues (frequent illness, aches and pains, stomach problems, etc.)
Assuming that all people are unethical and only want to benefit themselves
Stooping to new lows in order to succeed; adopting the if-you-can’t-beat-‘em-join-‘em attitude
Never being fully open with anyone, even loved ones
Looking for signs of disloyalty in others
Clinging to those who have proven themselves completely trustworthy and loyal
Not wanting to meet new people; keeping one’s distance professionally and socially
Baiting people in conversation in hopes they will reveal their true motives
Taking action to bring the thief to justice
Deciding to take the idea farther and do it better than the thief could ever do
Viewing the theft as a sign that one is headed in the right direction
Accepting that if one came up with this good idea, others will follow
Enjoying the process of learning and doing rather than focusing only on the endgame
Taking steps in the future to protect one’s work before sharing it with others
Recognizing that the time spent developing the idea was valuable and meaningful rather than a waste
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, confident, diplomatic, discreet, enthusiastic, focused, independent, just, optimistic, passionate, patient, persistent, persuasive, private, quirky, resourceful, wise
Flaws: Catty, confrontational, controlling, cynical, devious, fussy, inflexible, irrational, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, possessive, resentful, stingy, stubborn, suspicious, uncooperative
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being forced to work with others
People who show excitement or enthusiasm for what one does or is working on
Seeing the thief gain great success and accolades from one’s idea
A request to see a file, article, or schematic that one has created
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A health scare that makes one see that bitterness about the past event is only causing harm
Realizing that one’s continued negative focus on the past is stifling creativity and making it impossible to excel
Coming up with a new idea that forces one to make a choice: continue to live an unfulfilled life or pursue a dream and risk being taken advantage of again
Inventing something that could benefit a great many people but being afraid to act on it out of fear it will be exploited
Wanting to pursue a new idea but needing the collaboration and expertise of a partner for it to succeed
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
INCEST
NOTES: Incest is defined as sexual relations between closely related family members, such as between siblings or a parent and child. It occurs most frequently between a sexually predatory older relative and someone younger, but it also occurs in communities where marrying outside of one’s race or culture is considered taboo.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
He (or she) says that because we love each other, it’s ok.
We have a special bond.
I’m disgusting. No one will ever want to be around me if they find out.
Telling will just make things worse.
I deserve this because I am a terrible person.
This is my fault; my behavior somehow led to this.
If someone has power over you, they will hurt you.
People use love to get what they want.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
The abuser
People like their abuser (men, women, authority figures, adults, etc.)
Sex and intimacy
The incest being discovered, bringing shame and humiliation with it
Getting pregnant by their abuser
Loved ones discovering the relationship and rejecting them because of it
Being asked to keep an important secret from someone else
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Alcoholism and drug addiction
Self-harming
Eating and sleeping disorders
Thoughts of suicide and attempted suicide
Rebelling against those in authority
Volatile emotions; acting out with violence
PTSD, anxiety disorders, and phobias
Being protective of younger siblings who could also be victimized
An inability to trust others
Difficulty being intimate with others
Low self-worth
Conflicted feelings about what happened (especially if it was consensual)
Not trusting one’s instincts; second-guessing one’s decisions
Anger toward one’s parents (whether they knew or not) for not protecting one as a parent should
Not being able to remember chunks of one’s childhood
A tendency to disassociate when highly stressed
A generalized feeling of powerlessness
Confusing sex with love
Entering into abusive relationships as an adult
Sexual promiscuity
Having little or no interest in sex; avoiding sexual encounters
Shutting down one’s emotions during sex
Living in denial about what really happened
Having a distanced relationship with one’s parents, especially if they encouraged one to not tell anyone about the abuse after discovering it was happening
Being stuck emotionally at the stage of life when the incest occurred
Worrying that one’s children will suffer the same fate at someone else’s hands
Deciding against having children
Seeking therapy in an effort to heal
Viewing oneself as a survivor rather than a victim
Vowing to take control of one’s life in a healthy way; not allowing oneself to be victimized again
Empathizing with others who are in a chronic
ally unjust situation (suffering from a mental disorder, being disowned, telling the truth but not being believed, etc.)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, cooperative, courteous, discreet, easygoing, empathetic, imaginative, nurturing, pensive, protective, sensual, socially aware, studious, supportive
Flaws: Addictive, childish, compulsive, controlling, dishonest, evasive, hostile, ignorant, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, nervous, perfectionist, pessimistic, promiscuous, rebellious, self-destructive
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Missing a period
Seeing the family member after an extended absence
Seeing an adult touch a child the way one was touched (frequent arm squeezing, back rubs, touches that linger, etc.) prior to the act
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Finding oneself in another toxic relationship and realizing the incest is at the root of one’s problems Facing a situation where one’s abuser will go free or possibly abuse someone else if one doesn’t speak out against him or her
After being unable to enjoy or even want sex, one realizes that facing the past is the only way to heal
An emergency situation where one must build trust quickly with a victim, and revealing one’s past victimization is the most effective way to do it
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
INFIDELITY
EXAMPLES
A spouse engaging in a one-night stand or giving in to desire after drug or alcohol use
One’s husband or wife having an affair with someone at work
Discovering one’s spouse is cheating through online chat rooms or voyeur sites
A partner being caught with a prostitute
A partner who visits an ex and old feelings rekindle, leading to intimacy
Discovering that a spouse has multiple relationships or even a second family
One’s spouse turning to a friend for companionship and advice
One’s spouse struggling with sexual identity and choosing to explore it with others
A partner who accepts someone’s sexual advances out of a strong need for approval
A partner who finds satisfaction elsewhere because of a lack of intimacy at home
A partner cheating emotionally (sharing intimate feelings with someone outside of the marriage), making one feel betrayed
An affair stemming from loneliness due to frequent and prolonged absences, such as military deployments or work-related travel
Discovering one’s partner has cheated with a family member (a sibling, cousin, parent, etc.)
Trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity only to learn that one’s spouse is cheating again
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am unworthy of love.
I am an unsatisfactory lover.
No one could ever be attracted to me.
This is my fault for not being good enough.
There is no such thing as a committed relationship.
All men (or women) cheat and I am better off alone.
If I let people in, they’ll only hurt me.
If I want a relationship to last, I have to comply with my partner’s whims.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Intimacy and sex
Love (because it leads to vulnerability)
Being betrayed by someone they trust
Trusting the wrong person
Being alone forever
Being perceived as weak or gullible
That their instincts are unreliable and they will continue to make life-impacting mistakes
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Leaving one’s partner
Avoiding dating and close relationships
Second-guessing one’s actions and choices, especially those involving trust and relationships
Becoming evasive; keeping one’s emotions close to the vest
Looking for signs of deceit in potential romantic partners
Following up with someone or questioning them to determine if they are telling the truth
Paranoia; expecting one’s partner to account for his or her time away
Control issues; difficulty giving a partner privacy
Wearing clothing that hides one’s body
Obsessive dieting or worrying about one’s weight and appearance
Going through a period of turning inward, not wanting to get involved with anyone else
Jumping into a rebound relationship
Engaging in risky sexual behavior as a way of getting back at one’s partner
Avenging oneself on the spouse’s lover
Sabotaging a partner’s relationships with those of the opposite sex
Withholding forgiveness from one’s partner even if he or she is truly contrite and wants to reconcile
Decreased interest in sex
Lying about the infidelity due to embarrassment or to save one’s children from shame
Ignoring the infidelity; living in denial
Learning to be independent
Discovering that one is stronger than one thought
Giving one’s lover a second chance while maintaining reasonable requirements and expectations
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, bold, cautious, courageous, discreet, disciplined, honest, honorable, independent, loyal, merciful, nurturing, perceptive, private, proactive, protective, sensible, supportive
Flaws: Catty, confrontational, controlling, cynical, grumpy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, insecure, irrational, jealous, needy, obsessive, possessive, resentful, self-indulgent, suspicious, vindictive, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Having sex for the first time since the affair
Seeing the person with whom one’s partner cheated
Receiving divorce papers
Having to get checked for a sexually transmitted disease or other condition following the cheating
Seeing one’s ex (during custody swaps, at the grocery store, around the neighborhood, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A new relationship progressing to the point where vulnerability and openness are expected
Falling for someone in a new relationship and finding out they cheated on a previous partner
Wanting to reconcile with one’s partner but being unable to make oneself vulnerable again
Learning that a friend was able to forgive a cheating partner and wondering if one has the strength or willingness to do the same
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
LEARNING THAT ONE’S PARENT HAD A SECOND FAMILY
NOTES: To many, the scenario seems ridiculous, the stuff of fiction: a parent who has a second family, complete with children. How could that be perpetuated over the long term? How would the families not know? Yet it happens often enough to have become familiar. And with the seemingly impossible logistics of such a scenario, it’s no surprise that the parent does usually end up getting caught, leaving a trail of betrayal, lies, destroyed families, and wounded loved ones in their wake. Whether one makes this awful discovery as a child, teenager, or grownup, the results can be long lasting.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Given the choice, people will always choose someone else over me.
If I had been better behaved (or smarter, prettier, etc.), he would have been happy with us.
I’m defective in some way.
I’m stupid; a smart person would have seen what was happening.
Everybody lies.
If I wasn’t enough for my mother (or father), I won’t
be enough for anyone else.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
The parent choosing the other family over theirs
Being rejected by others
Never finding someone who can love and accept them unconditionally
Their family falling into poverty if the parent leaves
Being lied to
Betrayal by a person deemed trustworthy
Ending up like the betraying parent
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Denial and disbelief
Dulling the pain through self-medication (or acting out, for younger victims)
Feelings of anger and rage toward the offending parent
Doubting oneself
Wondering if the parent’s feelings were genuine at all or just an act
Examining oneself for weaknesses and reasons why the parent might have done such a thing
Perfecting perceived weaknesses to gain the parent’s love (doing well at school, making oneself more physically attractive, excelling at a sport, etc.)
Becoming obsessed with the other family
Distancing oneself from the guilty parent
Determining to never be gullible or ignorant again
Obsessing over past family details, looking for the clues one missed
Trying to uncover other lies one has been told, believing there must be more
Difficulty trusting others
Becoming controlling as an adult
Being confused by conflicting emotions (love, anger, shame, fear, etc.) about one’s parent
Viewing other close family members with distrust, wondering if they’re being honest
Withdrawing into oneself; not sharing with others
Becoming very protective of the other parent, who was also duped
Taking a hard stance on lying; disassociating from those who cross the line
As an adult, worrying that one’s partner is lying and living a secret life
Spying on one’s partner to make sure he or she is telling the truth
Disdaining marriage
Becoming independent so one won’t have to rely on others