A loved one asking for money
Learning that a family member is ignoring the budget and being extravagant with household funds
Seeing unfamiliar purchases on one’s credit card statement
Witnessing the good fortune of others, like a friend’s vacation or a co-worker’s new car
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being scammed by someone else
An event that threatens one’s financial stability (a loophole in one’s home insurance that doesn’t cover a fire, an illness that leaves one unable to work for an extended period, etc.)
A situation that forces one to choose between a job and family (a sick spouse, a child needing more attention or support, etc.), which puts one’s financial security in jeopardy
Stinginess and control issues damaging a new relationship
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FINDING OUT ONE WAS ADOPTED
EXAMPLES
Being told about the adoption by one’s parents
Learning about the adoption by accident (overhearing a conversation, finding a birth certificate, etc.)
A jealous or spiteful relative hinting at the information, making one curious
Finding out when a serious illness requires knowledge of one’s medical history
Confronting one’s parents because of personal suspicions (because one does not look like them, due to cryptic comments by a distant relative, etc.)
Finding out after the death of one’s parents
Being approached by strangers claiming to be one’s birth parents or siblings
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
If my real parents gave me away, there must be something wrong with me.
I don’t belong anywhere; no one wants me.
I probably should never have been born.
I don’t know who I am.
If my parents can lie to me, then I can’t trust anyone.
If my parents could abandon me, anyone can and probably will.
If I put walls up, people can’t manipulate my feelings.
Love makes everything hurt more.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Abandonment and rejection
Trusting the wrong person
Vulnerability and intimacy
Meeting their birth family and being rejected a second time
Being loved less than their siblings (especially if the siblings weren’t adopted)
Being taken away from their adopted family by the birth parent
Being lied to about other things
Unknown genetic factors, such as medical conditions, predispositions, and psychotic tendencies that could be passed on
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Mood swings (anger, betrayal, gratitude, mistrust, guilt, confusion)
Examining family interactions, searching for signs that one is being treated differently or loved less
Living in denial; refusing to seek out one’s roots or past
Growing obsessive about the past (asking constant questions, needing to know one’s roots, etc.)
Difficulty trusting people
Struggling with one’s identity
Over-focusing on the differences between oneself and one’s adoptive family
Having a hard time saying goodbye or letting people go
Always striving to prove one’s worthiness to friends
Questioning what people say without cause; looking for or expecting deceit
Pulling back from adopted family members
Medicating with alcohol or drugs
Engaging in risky behavior as a way of acting out
Becoming subservient out of a desire to please one’s adoptive family (out of fear of abandonment)
Experiencing anxiety or situational depression
Double-checking facts rather than taking someone at his or her word
Experiencing relief, since one has always felt different, then feeling guilty about it
Rejecting adoptive family mementos or heirlooms; feeling unworthy of them
Cynicism; developing a negative outlook
Daydreaming about reconciling with one’s birth parents
Seeking to find one’s birth family
Rejecting one’s birth family and embracing one’s adoptive family
Having newfound respect for honesty and openness
Seeing oneself as being chosen by one’s adoptive family rather than rejected by one’s birth family
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, analytical, appreciative, centered, curious, diplomatic, easygoing, empathetic, happy, honest, introverted, kind, loyal, mature, obedient, pensive, philosophical, private, sentimental, supportive, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, confrontational, cynical, disrespectful, gullible, hostile, needy, oversensitive, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, suspicious, uncommunicative, ungrateful, withdrawn, workaholic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Situations where a sibling comes out on top, even if parental favoritism isn’t a factor
A scenario where one must decide whether or not to lie to one’s children, like them asking how babies are born or if Santa Claus is real
A curious child learning about adoption in school and asking if he or she is adopted, bringing up memories of the painful conversation that revealed one’s own adoption
Filling out insurance forms that ask for family medical history
One’s birthday and adoption dates
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Unexpectedly conceiving a child and having to face the adoption choice oneself
A difficult medical situation where knowing one’s history is important because of possible genetic factors
Discovering that one’s birth was a result of rape or incest
Tracking down one’s birth family only to discover they have passed on or don’t want contact
Deciding not to look for one’s birth parents only to later learn of an inheritance that they left behind
Adopting a child and being forced to decide when (or if) to tell them about it
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
FINDING OUT ONE’S CHILD WAS ABUSED
NOTES: Parents have many roles, but one of the most instinctive is that of the protector. Keeping one’s child safe is not just a moral duty; it kicks into gear on the most basic of levels the moment that child comes into a person’s care. So when someone discovers that their child has been abused, it shakes them to the core, challenging their beliefs about their capabilities and worth as a parent. The lies and associated guilt and self-blame associated with this wound are more deeply entrenched if the child said nothing because she felt she couldn’t go to her parent or if the child tried to reveal what was happening—e.g., she acted out and the behavior was written off as attention-seeking—or she tried to say something but wasn’t immediately believed.
EXAMPLES: Learning, after the fact, that…
One’s partner or a close relative had abused one’s child
The abuse occurred at a trusted family friend’s house
One’s child was hit or touched by a teacher or person in authority
The abuse took place while one’s child was in the care of a neighbor or babysitter
The child suffered abuse while one was asleep or in another area of the home
The abuse occurred while one’s child was on a supervised trip (for school, church, sports, or a club)
The abuse happened during a custody visit (either by the ex or someone associated with them)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I am a terrible parent. I couldn’t even protect my child.
I should have seen what was happening and stopped it, so this is my fault.
I placed my child in danger. He or she is safer with someone else.
If I don’t do a better job of protecting them, this will happen again.
My child isn’t safe with anyone but me.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Letting go of their child, even for short periods of time
Missing obvious signs again
Trusting others
Their own judgment about people and safety
Continued failure as a parent
Devastating repercussions from the abuse (their child turning to drugs or alcohol, the child blaming and rejecting them, the development of a debilitating mental disorder, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Deep anger and hatred toward the offending party
A desire for revenge
Needing to know where one’s child is at all times
Checking on one’s children frequently (with or without their knowledge)
Being suspicious of anyone—even a trusted friend or family member—who shows an interest in one’s child
Trying to protect one’s child to the point where it disrupts routines and causes fear to bloom
One’s mind always going to the worst-case scenario
Being unable to leave children in someone else’s care (choosing to homeschool them, switching jobs so one is always home after school, etc.)
Difficulty sleeping
High anxiety
Being overly generous and agreeable with one’s child—even spoiling them—out of guilt
Needing to know and be familiar with the child’s friends
Seeking to bring the abuser to justice
Not seeking justice due to fear that the process will further traumatize one’s child
Only allowing sleepovers in one’s own home
Difficulty leaving one’s child alone even for short periods of time, regardless of their age
Second-guessing one’s decisions; losing confidence in one’s abilities and personal radar
Becoming more engaged in the life of one’s child
Seeking advice on the best way to help one’s child
Making healthy sacrifices on behalf of one’s child (proactively putting him in therapy, cutting hours at work so one can spend more time at home, etc.)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, analytical, bold, cautious, decisive, discreet, empathetic, gentle, loyal, nurturing, observant, pensive, perceptive, persistent, private, proactive, responsible, studious, supportive, unselfish, wise
Flaws: Addictive, confrontational, controlling, cynical, defensive, fanatical, fussy, hostile, humorless, impatient, inflexible, irrational, obsessive, paranoid, pessimistic, stubborn, uncommunicative, vindictive, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A situation where the child leaves one’s protection, like attending a sleepover at Grandma’s house
One’s child exhibiting behavior issues
Seeing one’s child cry or hearing their sobs
Interacting with parents who are lax about monitoring their children
Visiting or passing by the place where the abuse occurred
Observing adults interacting with children where the child appears resistant or upset
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
The abuser being released on a technicality and going free
The child being removed from one’s custody
The abuse unearthing buried memories of one’s own abuse as a child
Seeing behaviors in other kids that match those of one’s child prior to the abuse being discovered
Learning that this wasn’t the abuser’s first crime against a minor, and recognizing that if one doesn’t take action, it will occur again
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
GETTING DUMPED
NOTES: When it comes to common wounds, getting dumped is at the top of the list—so much so that it’s almost a rite of passage, a part of growing up. Being rejected by a beloved person is painful enough, but sometimes the method can be particularly traumatizing, such as being broken up with via text message, getting dumped in favor of someone else, being left at the altar, or learning that the relationship is over when the lover posts about it on social media. Despite the universality of being dumped, it’s always a painful experience that can be a deeply wounding one.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
My judgment is flawed for not seeing this coming.
It’s better to be alone than to risk this kind of pain again.
He or she was my one true love. I’ll never have a relationship like that again.
I’ll always be alone.
I am too stupid (or untalented, ugly, unworthy, etc.) to love.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Rejection by others
Being embarrassed or humiliated
Finding love only to lose it again
Trusting the wrong partner; opening up only to be hurt again
Never finding true love
Living life alone
That there’s something defective about them that contributed to the rejection
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Periods of depression, negative self-talk, and wallowing
Comparing oneself to others and finding oneself lacking
Analyzing the relationship in detail in one’s mind, trying to spot where it went wrong
Periods of hopelessness
Sticking like glue to one’s friends
Difficulty adjusting to being single
Making repeated attempts to repair the relationship
Entering into a rebound relationship
Jealousy and anger if one’s ex-partner moves on before one does
Drinking too much
Avoiding dating altogether
Working longer hours to have less time for being alone
Bad-mouthing one’s ex or others like him or her
Pessimism about life in general
A deep aversion to making oneself vulnerable again
Seeking transactional kinds of relationships (e.g., those that are purely for sex)
Shying away from potential love interests as a fear of vulnerability kicks in
Sabotaging new relationships before the other person gets a chance to reject one as a partner
Overcompensating for a perceived weakness (acting macho, accentuating one’s beauty, etc.)
Growing more jaded if one experiences a dating drought or has a string of disappointing encounters Being judgmental or close-minded about committed relationships
Experiencing jealousy of others who are in healthy relationships
Wanting to always be active (going out, having plans, etc.) to distract one from feeling lonely
Engaging in unhealthy behavior as a means of numbing the pain, such as promiscuity or prostitution
Choosing partners who are timid or needy, and encouraging their dependency
Seeking out one’s single peers to fill the void (via gaming marathons, workouts, bar-hopping, etc.)
Going through the stages of grief
Soul-searching to recognize problems in the past relationship or the part one might have played in it not working out
Identifying areas where one could become a stronger partner
Identifying areas for self-improvement that will lead to personal fulfillment
Doing something new as a way of turning over a new leaf (taking a dance class, getting a dog, volunteering at the hospital, learning Italian, etc.)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, analytical, bold, cautious, diplomatic, discreet, empathetic, flirtatious, idealistic, independent,
mature, optimistic, patient, pensive, philosophical, private, sentimental
Flaws: Callous, childish, disloyal, humorless, insecure, macho, melodramatic, nagging, needy, obsessive, promiscuous, resentful, self-destructive, temperamental, vindictive, whiny, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing the ex with a new flame
Being surrounded by couples within one’s group of friends
Being stood up by a friend for a dinner date
Passing by a spot one used to visit with one’s partner
The anniversary of the previous relationship
Getting into an argument with a new partner
Starting a new relationship and seeing warning signs (real or perceived) that things aren’t going well
Being invited to an important event (a family reunion, wedding, or awards ceremony) and having to go solo
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Going through another break-up for the same reasons cited by one’s ex
Recognizing that by refusing to accept what happened, one is allowing the wounding to continue
Being in a long-term relationship that isn’t working and realizing that it needs to end
Being loved by someone else and recognizing that one is desirable and worth loving
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
HAVING ONE’S IDEAS OR WORK STOLEN
EXAMPLES
Telling an idea to someone at work who then presents it to higher-ups as his own
Collaborating on a successful song with a partner and receiving no credit for it
Sharing one’s writing with a critique partner who steals the essence of the story and publishes it herself
Pitching a new invention to an investor who files the patent for it under his own name
Doing most of the work on a project and a co-worker taking credit and being promoted for it
Struggling to sell one’s new product only to have a large, successful organization create the same thing and mass market it