Mistrusting even one’s closest friends
Looking for deceit; believing that every person has a hidden agenda
Believing that others are guilty until proven innocent
Avoiding seeing old friends out of embarrassment
Avoiding family functions where awkward questions will be asked
Dropping out of social circles one used to frequent with one’s partner
Lashing out at the person on social media
Outing the person as a means of avenging oneself
Laughing it off or making jokes about it to avoid showing one’s hurt
Hounding friends to find out if they knew or suspected the truth about one’s partner
Avoiding new romantic relationships
Not telling others the truth about why the relationship ended
Choosing partners who embody a clear sexual preference (being highly macho, overtly feminine, etc.)
Choosing partners with biases (homophobes, those with an extreme standpoint on sexual identity, etc.)
Struggling with bouts of depression
Being healthily cautious when starting new relationships in the future so one’s eyes are wide open
Being more appreciative of the trustworthy people in one’s life
Adopting honesty as a core character trait
Seeking partners for whom honesty is a core trait
Training oneself to become more observant, perceptive, or analytical to avoid being fooled again
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Analytical, bold, cautious, discreet, empathetic, honest, honorable, loyal, merciful, meticulous, observant, perceptive, philosophical, private, socially aware, traditional
Flaws: Abrasive, antisocial, callous, cruel, fanatical, haughty, inflexible, judgmental, macho, nosy, paranoid, prejudiced, promiscuous, resentful, self-destructive, vindictive, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Recalling clues to the truth that one didn’t recognize at the time
Friends or family members saying that they suspected the truth from the beginning
Overhearing hurtful gossip
Catching another loved one in a big lie
Being the last to know something, even when it is an oversight or completely harmless
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Suspecting a friend’s partner of living a lie and having to choose whether or not to speak up
A love interest being honest and transparent about their past but disclosing something worrisome, like infidelity with a previous partner
Seeing the ex move on while one is alone, miserable, and mired in insecurity and distrustfulness
Entering a new relationship and discovering that one’s partner has lied about something important, such as their name, marital status, or criminal record
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
DISCOVERING A SIBLING’S ABUSE
EXAMPLES
Witnessing the abuse firsthand (seeing or hearing it occur)
Discovering the abuse after the fact when one’s sibling opened up about it
Realizing a sibling has allowed herself or himself to be victimized in order to shield one from harm
Learning about the abuse in a sibling’s suicide note
Being told about it by a friend or family member the sibling had confided in
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I failed because I didn’t protect him (or her) from this.
How did I not know? I’m too stupid to see what’s in front of me.
I should have taken the abuse myself.
I am unworthy of love, respect, or trust.
I can’t help others; I will only fail or let them down.
Because I failed my sister when she needed me most, I deserve only pain and unhappiness.
This failure is a permanent stain; I deserve the guilt it brings.
I can’t protect the people I love.
I don’t deserve to feel safe and secure—not when my sibling had that taken away.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Trusting people, especially ones who are like the abuser
Being responsible for others and screwing it up
Misreading people and missing a threat
Being unable to protect loved ones
Failing to protect someone again
Being rejected for being a bad sister or brother
Being exploited when they are at their weakest
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Denial (initially); not wanting to believe that one was wrong about something so important
Subservience to one’s sibling to alleviate guilt and make up for the perceived past failing
Trying to help “fix” the sibling
Anger and outbursts, even violence
Blaming adults close to the situation for not preventing the abuse, even if they didn’t know it was happening
A desire for revenge
Not taking anyone at face value; believing that trust must always be earned
Seeing signs of abuse where there are none
Second-guessing one’s decisions, especially in situations where one is responsible for others
Growing overprotective of loved ones
Viewing any secret as toxic; developing a compulsion to speak the truth
Cutting all ties with the abuser
Digging into suspected secrets to uncover the truth
Wanting to know where loved ones are at all times
Fine-tooth-combing one’s memories to find clues one might have missed
Being confused about conflicting emotions (relief over not being abused oneself, guilt for being relieved, hatred toward family members for not catching the abuse, etc.)
Placing oneself in risky situations that increase the likelihood one will be hurt out of a deep sense of guilt and believing one deserves pain
Backing away from responsibility for fear of messing up again
Deep feelings of shame that keep one from being near the abused sibling
Self-harm, medicating with alcohol or drugs, or other self-destructive behaviors
Becoming very alert and observant out of fear of missing the signs again
Offering unconditional love and support to the sibling
Encouraging the sibling to seek counseling and offering to go with them to show support
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, alert, appreciative, courageous, empathetic, generous, honest, honorable, humble, introverted, kind, loyal, merciful, nurturing, obedient, observant, patient, perceptive, persistent, private, protective, resourceful, responsible, spiritual, supportive, unselfish
Flaws: Confrontational, cowardly, humorless, inhibited, insecure, nervous, paranoid, promiscuous, reckless, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, timid, uncommunicative, violent, volatile, withdrawn, workaholic
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing signs (even false ones) that a loved one is being abused, such as personality shifts or acting out
Seeing the abuser and one’s sibling together at church, a birthday party, or other event
A memory surfacing that was a clue to the abuse but one didn’t recognize it at the time
Being touched unexpectedly (not seeing the interaction coming)
Situations where one’s sibling is being criticized or judged by others
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being blamed by the sibling for not recognizing or stopping the abuse
Family members not believing the sibling and siding with the alleged abuser
Resentment toward one’s parents for not intervening (even if they also had no idea the abuse was occurring) which causes a rift, and wanting to move past those feeling to repair the re
lationship
Wanting to be close to one’s sibling again after the discovery but having to forgive oneself to do so
Having children who fight constantly and wanting them to realize they should value a sibling’s love
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
DOMESTIC ABUSE
NOTES: Domestic abuse is any ongoing pattern of behavior by an intimate partner intended to exert power and control over the other. Males or females can be targeted, and the mistreatment can be physical, sexual, psychological, and verbal in nature.
EXAMPLES
Constant accusations of things the victim isn’t guilty of, such as cheating, lying, or disrespect
Verbally shaming the victim (at home, in public, or around family members)
Distancing or isolating the victim from family and friends
Controlling the victim’s money and finances and making important decisions for them
Dictating the victim’s physical appearance (hairstyle, clothing choices, makeup, etc.)
Physical violence and threatening the victim through words, facial expressions, and posture
Pressuring the victim to have sex or forcing her into sexual activity she isn’t comfortable with
Stalking (online and off)
Destroying the victim’s property or threatening their loved ones and pets
The perpetrator blaming the victim for the abusive behavior
Gaslighting (manipulation using denial, misdirection, and contradiction to disorient a victim, causing them to question their own sanity, abilities, actions, and beliefs)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
If I were more intelligent (or a better wife, husband, etc.), he or she wouldn’t treat me this way.
If you love someone deep enough, they’ll change.
This is what love is.
I’m defective and don’t deserve any better.
Other people will always have power over me if I let them get close.
I’m weak and I always will be.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Uncertainty and the unknown (from living in constant fear of what will happen next)
Retribution from the abuser, should they try to leave
For the safety of their children
Not being able to care for themselves financially or raise the kids alone
The removal of their children if the authorities should find out
The police (if this was taught by the abuser)
Being perceived as weak if the abuse becomes known
That the abuser is right; believing the lie that they are stupid, unlovable, or worthless
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Conforming one’s will to the abuser’s and losing all sense of self
Catering to the abuser’s needs and following a routine based on their demands
Internalizing what the abuser says (believing that one is lazy, slutty, stupid, ugly, etc.)
Provoking or taking abuse to shield others in the household, like one’s children
Depression, dissociation, and gaps in one’s memory
Fearing for one’s life or the life of one’s children as abuse escalates
Secretly honing an ability (self-defense, a career skill, etc.) to help one escape
Aligning with people who could help one escape, like a police officer, a social worker, or someone with a room to rent
Leaving with nothing (not wanting to provoke more rage by taking things)
Seeking sanctuary (with a friend, at a shelter, at a home for families at risk)
Being hyperalert even after one is freed from the situation
Having flashbacks and nightmares
Experiencing anxiety or panic attacks when one feels threatened
Fear-driven behavior and actions; expecting the worst to happen
Feeling nervous when out; routinely scanning for an exit or escape and looking over one’s shoulder
Keeping one’s guard up; having difficulty trusting anyone new
Feeling followed and watched; struggling to find a normal routine
Worrying one is too weak to cope, too broken to succeed (believing the lie)
Falling apart when the kids aren’t around (through crying, depression, or self-medicating)
Avoiding new relationships
Struggling with intimacy and trust
Seeking out free or subsidized counseling
Talking out one’s fears with others who have been through the process
Cutting or dyeing one’s hair and changing a wardrobe both to feel safe and to embrace a new start
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, affectionate, appreciative, cooperative, courteous, discreet, gentle, humble, merciful, nurturing, obedient, private, protective, supportive, tolerant, traditional
Flaws: Cynical, defensive, dishonest, flaky, forgetful, fussy, humorless, ignorant, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, martyr, needy, nervous, subservient, timid, uncommunicative, weak-willed
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing one’s child expressing violent behavior that is clearly a response to the abuse they witnessed
Flashing back to a particularly abusive experience
Being contacted by one’s abuser after leaving
Experiencing a sensory trigger specific to one’s abuser (the scent of sweat, beer breath, seeing the item that was often used as a weapon, etc.)
Seeing a child with suspicious bruising or a friend with frequent wounds
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being too afraid to pursue a relationship with someone who seems great, then questioning one’s choice
Realizing that one is repeating the cycle of abuse with one’s children or a new partner
Losing a job, friend, or lover due to a substance abuse problem that’s being used to mask one’s pain
Meeting a survivor who embodies strength, and wanting to find one’s own
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
EXAMPLES: Experiencing financial devastation due to a spouse…
Secretly overextending their credit and being unable to hide the lie any longer
Investing in questionable companies and initiatives that go bad
Draining joint accounts to pay for a habit (drinking, drugs, prostitutes, gambling, etc.)
Being fired or laid off and depleting the savings account to avoid admitting it
Falling prey to scams and not wising up in time
Loaning a friend or relative money that is never paid back
Who is a hoarder, collector, or compulsive shopper
Running up credit card debt or a personal line of credit to support a failing business
Borrowing money from questionable people who then call in the debt
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t trust anyone to handle money but myself.
My instincts and judgment are flawed, especially when it comes to relationships.
Trusting other people is foolish.
I need to use my head, not my heart.
The only way my future is safe is if I am in control.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Trusting the wrong person
Living in poverty or becoming homeless
Going into debt
Making a bad decision that leads to more instability
An illness or disaster that further stresses their financial situation
Taking risks
What the future will hold
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Leaving one’s spouse
Difficulty trusting others; always wondering if they’re being honest or hiding things
Obsessively watching one’s bank account
Insisting on maintaining separate finances in future relationships
Demanding to know how money is being spent within the family (wanting to see receipts, etc.)
Restricting access to one’s accounts and investments
Refusing to use credit cards
Clipping coupons
Only engaging in free or cheap activities
Becoming stingy (e.g., resenting having to kick in money for a co-worker’s birthday cake)
Feeling guilty when spending money on oneself
Buying used items instead of new ones
Minimizing the importance of holidays to avoid having to buy gifts
Not going out with friends to avoid spending money
Reusing and repurposing items
Going without
Becoming risk averse
Taking advantage of any money-making opportunity
Taking on extra jobs and sacrificing downtime to do so
Becoming protective of what one has left
Taking charge of one’s finances in a realistic and expectable fashion, rather than leaving them for someone else in the family
Consulting a financial advisor or family member with wisdom in this arena to figure out what to do
Creating a plan to climb out of debt, and sticking to it
Becoming less concerned with material things
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Analytical, cautious, centered, decisive, disciplined, efficient, focused, industrious, just, mature, meticulous, organized, persistent, proactive, protective, resourceful, sensible, simple, thrifty, wise
Flaws: Apathetic, catty, compulsive, controlling, disloyal, fussy, greedy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, insecure, irrational, judgmental, nagging, nosy, obsessive, possessive, resentful, stingy, workaholic, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A glitch in one’s banking records that temporarily shows a great loss