Families suffering in a war-torn area while the government does nothing to help
A minority being mistreated by the police
Voters finding out that an election was rigged
Citizens discovering that their government aided terrorists and the country’s enemies
Citizens learning that the person in charge of the country is a puppet doing someone else’s bidding
Parents learning that a child’s education was undermined by curriculum and testing experiments
A citizen discovering that the government approved unhealthy foods or medicines to maintain working relationships with certain lobbyists or companies
Parishioners learning about hypocritical or abusive behavior by the clergy
Citizens falling sick and learning that a local corporation’s illegal environmental practices are to blame
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I was too stupid and gullible to see the truth.
Big corporations and organizations are always self-serving and unethical.
Everyone has an agenda.
Educating ourselves is pointless since we’re always being misled.
It’s better to not engage than to join a group and be betrayed.
Everybody lies.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Established organizations and systems, such as government, religion, or public education
Being taken advantage of
Being misled by someone in power
Supporting a person or group who turns out to be unworthy
Speaking out and then being punished for it
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Distancing oneself from the guilty organization or business
Mistrusting any large organizations or systems
Finding ways around suspect systems (stashing money at home rather than keeping it in a bank, homeschooling one’s child so they don’t have to attend school, leaving the country, etc.)
Becoming cynical and negative
Becoming a conspiracy theorist; believing everyone to be suspect
Doubting one’s instincts
Allowing one’s distrust to seep into all areas of one’s life
Always believing the negative, and being susceptible to negative propaganda as a result
Negative self-talk: I’m so stupid; an idiot would’ve seen that coming, etc.
Apathy; accepting the uncomfortable truth with an attitude of despair
Constantly harping about the offending company and what they’ve done
Passing along mistrust and biases to one’s children
Difficulty forgiving transgressions
Refusing to believe people can change
Trying to effect change by bringing the corruption to light
Warning others about the injustice one has seen
Personally vetting organizations before deciding whether or not to support them
Starting a watchdog site to help others find trustworthy charities and businesses
Dedicating oneself to finding the truth rather than taking someone else’s word for it
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Bold, centered, cooperative, courageous, curious, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, focused, industrious, inspirational, just, organized, passionate, socially aware
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, confrontational, controlling, disrespectful, fanatical, gossipy, ignorant, inhibited, insecure, irrational, melodramatic, nosy, obsessive, paranoid, rebellious, rowdy
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Using social media to shed light on an inconsistency and being shot down by opposition
Speaking out against the company and being dismissed or maligned
Voicing criticism and being punished for it (e.g., criticizing the IRS and suddenly being audited)
Hearing about another corrupt organization taking advantage of innocent people
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being afraid to speak out against the organization, then learning that others are also being misled
Being asked to join a class-action lawsuit against the organization
Learning that a close friend is falling into the organization’s trap
Not wanting to support a group or system but having no choice (like having to send a child to public school)
Being approached by a reporter who offers one an opportunity to blow the whistle
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
EXAMPLES: Being rejected…
Because one lives in the wrong neighborhood or goes to a different school
For being poor or homeless
Because of one’s race, religion or sexual orientation
Because one’s parent or caregiver is despised (for being in jail, a known philanderer or alcoholic, etc.)
Due to having a notorious sibling or parent and being guilty by association
For embracing beliefs or ideas that go against the popular norm
For a physical disfigurement (being an albino, having severe acne or extreme birthmarks, being morbidly obese, etc.)
For acting in a way that is unsettling (coming across as creepy, dangerous, or unpredictable)
For a publicly humiliating event from one’s past, like wetting one’s pants or passing out naked
Because one is socially awkward
For having a mental disability, developmental deficiency, or special need
Due to not meeting society’s norms in some way (lacking markers of beauty, grace, hygiene, etc.)
Liking things that are considered weird, taboo, or juvenile
For having an undesirable label according to society (having a certain disease, being an unwed mother, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’ll never find love or acceptance.
No one will ever be able to get past my handicap, my situation, etc. to see the real me.
Relationships aren’t for people like me.
I am defective.
People like me can only have so much in life. I shouldn’t want more.
If I prove my worth in some way, they’ll finally accept me.
Because I’m ugly (or stupid, untalented, etc.) I’m worth less than other people.
I don’t need anyone else to get by.
Getting back at them will balance the scales.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Rejection by others
Prejudice and discrimination for being different
Opening up to or being vulnerable with others only to be abandoned when times get tough
A secret coming to light that could result in further rejection
The kind of person they were rejected by (men, jocks, popular girls, etc.)
That they are unlovable or unworthy of love
Having certain dreams or hopes that society says they cannot obtain
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Having low self-esteem and self-worth
Mentally putting oneself down (believing the lie)
Withdrawing from others
Allowing oneself to be mistreated so one can be part of a group
Giving up the habits, hobbies, or beliefs that one is being persecuted for embracing
Hiding the thing that causes one to be mistreated
An inability to trust others
Suspicion of anyone who reaches out
Belittling oneself to make others laugh and gain temporary acceptance
Losing one’s identity in an effort to become what is acceptable to others
Giving in to peer pressure
Depression that may lead to self-medicating or self-mutilation
Becoming overly anxious around others, especially in social or performance situations
Pursuing tasks that one believes will result in acceptance by one’s peers
Choosing isolating activities that allow one to be alone
Indulging in violent fantasies of comeuppance
Becoming physically aggressive
Becoming emotionally volatile
Seeking vengeance
Distancing oneself from friends who might be contributing to one’s social alienation
Throwing oneself into work, school, or other activities where one feels safe or secure
Seeking out other disenfranchised people and groups
Reaching out to an aunt, a counselor, or someone else for advice
Embracing one’s uniqueness and choosing not to be victimized by the prejudice of others
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cooperative, courteous, creative, disciplined, discreet, focused, funny, generous, independent, kind, loyal, merciful, persistent, private, simple, studious, supportive
Flaws: Antisocial, callous, compulsive, cowardly, cruel, dishonest, frivolous, oversensitive, perfectionist, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Negative media coverage, movies, and books that reinforce a hurtful stereotype
Being ignored or treated disrespectfully for no reason whatsoever
Being passed over (for a new position, an award, etc.) and wondering if discrimination was involved
Facing a situation where one needs a friend or supporter but having no one
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Finding oneself rejecting someone else for little reason and realizing one may also have biases
Trying to get involved with another group but being rejected by that one, too
An opportunity where one can confront the guilty party for being shamed, bullied, or traumatized
A son exhibiting behaviors that led to one’s rejection and worrying that he’ll suffer the same way
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE BY A KNOWN PERSON
NOTES: This kind of abuse encompasses sexual behaviors, touching, or penetration. While it can be inflicted by a stranger, this entry will focus on what happens when the abuser is a trusted individual with access to the child, such as a relative, family friend, teacher, classmate, parent of a close friend, or babysitter.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
This is my fault; I invited it because of something I said or did.
I deserved it because I’m worthless (or a bad daughter, student, athlete, friend, etc.).
No one is safe; even those closest to me try to hurt me.
People take advantage because I let them.
When I’m friendly or helpful, people hurt me.
I must have wanted it because I didn’t fight back (or say no, struggle hard enough, resist, etc.).
I’m powerless to change my life for the better.
I’m broken now, beyond repair.
Bad people only deserve bad things.
When you trust people, they hurt you.
No one could ever love someone as terrible as me.
Standing out (by excelling, being talented, wearing nice clothing, etc.) is an invitation to be hurt.
It’s better to be alone than to be betrayed.
Love is a weapon used to hurt people.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Intimacy and sexual feelings
Love, and having it taken away or perverted in some way
Being touched or exposed
Telling someone and not being believed
Being alone with their attacker (or someone like them)
Doing or saying something that is misconstrued as a sexual invitation
Trusting the wrong person and having that trust betrayed
That the same thing will happen to someone they love
Being abandoned and blamed by family members and friends when the truth is discovered
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Becoming reclusive; avoiding family or friends
Mood swings, like being quick to anger
Certain triggers producing confusing or inexplicable feelings
Changing one’s manner of dress to cover oneself more completely or be less noticeable
Giving up passions, interests, or activities that one associates with the abuser
Close relationships becoming strained if family members pressure one not to talk about it
Resenting family members who want to act like nothing happened
Worrying about the worst-case scenario and adopting pessimistic thinking
Developing an eating disorder or engaging in self-harm (cutting, scratching, etc.)
Becoming addicted to a substance as a means of coping
Being achievement-driven at work, in relationships, or as a parent to make up for being “unworthy” Being unable to accept compliments (by minimizing one’s role or responding with self-deprecation) Difficulty asking for help
Trouble accepting gifts and compliments, and feeling discomfort when others bestow a kindness
Trust issues; having a difficult time taking someone at their word
Difficulty reading people and situations
Having a spotty memory of the event(s) or certain details associated with it
PTSD symptoms (panic attacks, depression, believing one will die early, etc.)
Sexual dysfunctions like hypersexual activity, risky sex, premature interest in sex, being unable to enjoy sex, or sexual preferences that may not be considered mainstream
Difficulty being open in a relationship; experiencing anxiety at becoming vulnerable
Being uncomfortable with one’s body and it being seen by others
Flinching when touched (especially if it’s unexpected) and avoiding situations where it might happen
Becoming overprotective or irrational about the safety of one’s children or loved ones
Repressing one’s pain out of a desire to not make others feel uncomfortable
Resolving to be more present, alert, protective, and available for one’s own children
Becoming a mentor for a child or teen who has experienced sexual abuse
Actively seeking to protect the rights of children
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, analytical, bold, courageous, decisive, empathetic, honorable, independent, introverted, loyal, observant, organized, perceptive, persistent, proactive, resourceful, sensible, socially aware, talented, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, controlling, cruel, cynical, evasive, foolish, hostile, inflexible, inhibited, insecure, irrational, irresponsible, needy, nervous, rebellious, self-destructive, suspicious, uncommunicative, volatile
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing the perpetrator with a small child
Reading about a public case where a victim reported abuse and was vilified or not believed
Sensory triggers that remind one of the abuse (smells, sounds, locations, etc.)
Engaging in sex or sexual touching
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Being unable to forgive the perpetrator when he or she seeks to make amends
Being asked to speak publicly about one’s abuse
Seeing signs that could mean one’s child has been abused
Realizing one’s negative coping behaviors are limiting one’s happiness, and wanting to change that
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
DISCOVERING A PARTNER’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION SECRET
NOTES: No one is honest all the time, and the occasional white lie can be harmless. But the more intimate th
e relationship, the more serious it is when one person deceives the other. When the lie itself revolves around who a person is on their most basic level, it escalates from a lie to a betrayal. The other person is left wondering what else the partner hasn’t been honest about, how she could have missed something so obvious about the most important person in her life, and how the relationship will inevitably change because of this revelation. It’s no wonder that a lie of this caliber can cause a lasting wound.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t trust anyone.
I’m destined to be alone.
My instincts suck.
This happened because something is wrong with me.
I’m gullible enough to believe anything.
No one will ever want to be with me now.
People are never honest about the things that count.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
That their judgment and instincts are impaired
Missing the obvious warning signs again
Being the last to know
Being betrayed by someone close
Trusting the wrong person and being deceived again
Being pitied and becoming the object of gossip
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Experiencing anger or rage toward one’s ex
Worrying about the possibility of contracting a disease (if the partner was also unfaithful)
Confusion over what to tell one’s children
Confusion over what to do (loving the partner but knowing any love they return is limited)
Trying to salvage the relationship through therapy or other means
Ending the relationship at once
Wanting to vent to friends but worrying about being viewed as homophobic, intolerant, or uncaring
Becoming homophobic
Distrusting those of the same gender or orientation as one’s partner
Not trusting anyone’s word at face value