Flaws: Addictive, dishonest, disloyal, evasive, gossipy, gullible, humorless, hypocritical, ignorant, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, jealous, martyr, needy, subservient, temperamental, timid, weak-willed
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Being around someone who likes to complain and vent
Receiving phone calls, texts, or visits from a toxic friend and feeling emotionally drained
Catching someone in even a small lie, indiscretion, or manipulation
Being asked for one too many favors or sacrifices
Someone making a threat to do something if one doesn’t fall in line
Having to steer the conversation out of a danger zone because someone is emotionally volatile
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Recognizing that one is no longer happy and tracing the cause back to the toxic person in one’s life
Passing up an opportunity to pursue a dream because of a toxic person and then realizing the mistake
Realizing that one is happier alone than with the toxic person
Meeting someone who is upbeat and optimistic who acts as a reminder of who one used to be before the toxic people set up camp
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
ABANDONMENT OVER AN UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY
NOTES: Many wounds stem from conditional love: you didn’t try hard enough; you embarrassed me; you broke my rules. Having a child, despite the joy that usually accompanies it, is one of the most stressful life events that someone can experience, and if a pregnancy is unexpected or unwanted, the stress compounds. When the person coming to grips with this surprising change is then abandoned by her support system (in the form of parents, a lover, or a spouse), it’s devastating. Either parent could be shunned in this situation, but because the mother typically bears the brunt of the rejection, this entry will focus on the wounding event from her perspective.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Now I’ll never achieve my dreams.
What they say about me is true (I’m a whore, I’m stupid, I’m irresponsible, etc.).
The baby is the cause of all my trouble.
Love is temporary.
People always leave when times get tough.
I don’t need anyone else.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being abandoned again
The judgment of others
Being spiritually condemned
Always being alone
Being unable to care for herself and her baby
Never achieving a dream because all her time and resources will go toward being a mother
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Living in denial; going about life as if one isn’t pregnant
Hiding one’s pregnancy from others out of the fear that they, too, will respond with rejection
Choosing to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption
Struggling to meet one’s physiological needs
Calling in favors from friends
Turning to people who are likely to help
Trying to reconcile with the offending party
Employing any means to get the offending party back (manipulation, lying, blackmail, etc.)
Becoming a taker; taking the help others give without offering anything in return
Being emotionally unavailable with others
Being so consumed with day-to-day living that other goals (improving oneself, making new friends, furthering one’s education, etc.) become impossible
Wallowing in self-pity or blame for what happened
Looking for a replacement partner
Blaming the child for one’s abandonment
Running the offending party down at every opportunity
Changing oneself in order to win back the person who left
Maintaining superficial relationships out of a fear of being rejected again
Worrying about one’s abilities to cope alone
Doubting one’s abilities as a mother
Lowering one’s standards for a mate if it means finding someone to help (any port in a storm)
Determining that one (or one’s child) will be a better person than those who did the abandoning
Finding a support group
Volunteering to help other women in one’s situation
Taking responsibility for one’s actions and maturing quickly in order to succeed
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, ambitious, bold, centered, cooperative, courageous, disciplined, efficient, empathetic, focused, independent, mature, persuasive, resourceful, responsible, simple, supportive
Flaws: Apathetic, callous, childish, cynical, ignorant, inflexible, insecure, irresponsible, judgmental, manipulative, needy, nervous, resentful, self-indulgent, subservient, ungrateful, volatile
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing couples work together to care for a new baby
Running into the baby’s father, who clearly wishes the meeting didn’t happen
Going to a pre-natal care group filled with couples who are happy about their pregnancies
Experiencing morning sickness or the baby kicking and moving around
Looking in the mirror and seeing the obvious signs of pregnancy
Attending medical appointments and weigh-ins
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Unable to find support, the character realizes that she can’t depend on others to help her but must take charge of her own health and the baby’s future
The pregnancy taking a turn for the worse that makes it more difficult to get by on one’s own
Meeting someone supportive who offers to help, then discovering they’re not who they claimed to be
Having an opportunity to help another who has been abandoned by loved ones in a time of need
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING DISAPPOINTED BY A ROLE MODEL
EXAMPLES
Learning about a pastor’s affair
A teacher’s arrest or coach’s drug peddling being discovered
A parent being charged with propositioning a prostitute
An older sibling being caught selling drugs
A respected boss being caught embezzling from a business or nonprofit organization
A family member scamming seniors out of pension checks
A favorite uncle or aunt being accused of child abuse
One’s parent or sibling lying about a severe addiction (to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.)
Close friends who preach Christian values but are involved in unethical activities
A parent or close friend’s infidelity
A family member or friend who was on the take, like a police officer or judge
An athletic cousin who preached clean living but was caught doping for a competition
A beloved relative’s bad choices that led to public humiliation and dragged the family name through the mud
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
People are all hypocrites.
I have no one to look up to.
I can’t be an example for others; I’ll just fail like everyone else.
Why try to be a good person when no one else is?
Why work hard when the world rewards cheaters?
I need to keep my distance from people so they can’t abuse my trust.
Following rules is for chumps.
At the end of the day, everyone is just out for themselves.
People pretend to be genuine, but they aren’t.
I need to be more of a taker if I want to make it in this world.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Trusting the wrong person
Vulnerability or being exposed in some way
Being taken advantage of
Moral failure (giving into temptation or being weak)
Those in authority or positions of power and influence (if this factored into the disillusionment)
Sharing ideas, beliefs, or convictions only to have them stolen or used against them
Responsibility; being viewed as a role model and failing others
Having to place their trust or fate in another’s hands
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Refusing to share information, especially anything personal
Being distrustful of others; always looking for ulterior motives
Avoiding close friendships or relationships and becoming unsocial
A suspicious nature that makes it difficult to relax around people
Adopting antisocial behaviors and encouraging others to buck the system to expose corruption (if this factored into the original disillusionment)
Watching what one says to avoid giving true feelings away
Antagonism and bias toward people who remind one of the disgraced role model
Avoiding a sport or activity tied to the person who caused the disillusionment
Refusing to make long-term plans or big goals, especially any that rely on others for success
Becoming unteachable; being unwilling to accept instruction from anyone
Cutting the guilty person, organization, or group out of one’s life
Being unable to forgive people, even for the smallest transgressions
Avoiding responsibility or decisions that may cause one to fail others
Developing high moral standards and condemning others who do not adhere to one’s beliefs
Confronting the role model
Determining to never disappoint those who view one as a role model
Actively seeking out young people to mentor so they’ll have a dependable influence in their lives
Fine-tuning one’s discernment capabilities so one can judge whether people are trustworthy or not
Finding trustworthy role models for one’s children and subtly pushing them toward those people
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, analytical, bold, cautious, discreet, empathetic, honorable, hospitable, independent, just, kind, observant, pensive, perceptive, private, proactive, responsible, sensible, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, antisocial, apathetic, confrontational, cynical, defensive, dishonest, evasive, hostile, humorless, hypocritical, impulsive, judgmental, martyr, needy, obsessive, prejudiced, rebellious, resentful, stubborn, suspicious, timid, uncommunicative, vindictive, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
A news story where a beloved icon (an athlete, singer, or public figure) is caught breaking the law
Learning that the same person who let one down has done it again to someone else
Seeing one’s child be devastatingly disappointed by a role model he or she trusted
Friends acting hypocritical (e.g., telling their teens not to drink and drive but doing so themselves)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Wanting to believe in something bigger than oneself but being afraid the leaders will only disappoint again
Failing in the same way one’s mentor failed in the past
Forgiving the role model’s indiscretion and becoming victimized by him or her again
Needing a mentor to help with a life decision but recognizing there is no one to turn to due to one’s inability to trust
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING DISOWNED OR SHUNNED
EXAMPLES
Being kicked out of a group or organization one has been loyal to
Being excommunicated from a church
A child running away from home and not returning
A child’s abandonment by a parent
A family feud where one is not allowed contact with one’s grandchildren
One’s child seeking emancipation
An adult being shunned by his parents (after coming out, for converting to a different religion, for marrying outside of the family’s race, etc.)
Being disowned for getting pregnant out of wedlock
Being shunned for perceived disloyalty to the family (accusing a sibling of abuse, testifying against an uncle who was guilty of a crime, etc.)
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can’t survive without them.
I need to keep my distance from others so I won’t be hurt in this way again.
If I want people to accept me, doing what’s right must be secondary to loyalty.
I’m so terrible to be around; people want nothing to do with me.
If they could throw me aside so easily, they didn’t love me in the first place.
Love and acceptance are always conditional.
Takers take, and givers are discarded when they have no more to give.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Never finding acceptance
Being on their own and failing
Being abandoned again because of a failure or mistake
Never finding someone who will love or accept them unconditionally
That they are as weak (or disloyal, unsuitable, defective, etc.) as others say they are
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Experiencing a wide range of emotions (sadness, anger, depression, rage, etc.)
Feeling empty inside
Wanting to hurt the people responsible
Rejecting all lessons imparted by the offending party (throwing the baby out with the bathwater)
Obsessing over one’s choices that led to the disownment
Critical self-assessments that cause low self-esteem or even self-loathing
Looking for love wherever one can find it
Getting into new relationships that are as toxic as the previous one
Becoming depressed around the holidays and special occasions
Self-medicating
Using social media to stalk those who disowned one as a way of staying connected
Avoiding the places where one might run into former loved ones or group members
Becoming bitter and resentful
Maligning the offending party on social media
Holding grudges
Difficulty trusting people or letting them in
Difficulty committing to long-term relationships
Leaving a loved one before he or she can be the one to leave
Taking subversive measures to contact extended family (nieces or nephews, grandkids, etc.)
Cutting all ties (changing one’s phone number, moving, switching schools and work locations, etc.)
Becoming a people pleaser to connect with others and avoid being rejected
Growing anxious when there’s conflict and seeking to quickly diffuse it
Continuing to try and mend the relationship (sending gifts and cards even when they’re returned unopened, calling and leaving messages by voicemail, inviting them to important events, etc.)
Highly appreciating being included by others
Being very moved by another’s thoughtfulness, such as a birthday card left on one’s desk at work
Going through the grieving process
Moving away in an effort to start clean
Finding a support group (at church or in the neighborhood) with a mandate of open acceptance
Examining one’s actions to see if or how one may have contributed to the situation
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Appreciative, bold, cautious, diplomatic, easygoing, honorable, hospitable, independent, industrious, merciful, nurturing, objective, passionate, supp
ortive, tolerant
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, childish, defensive, devious, disloyal, evasive, flaky, gossipy, hostile, insecure, needy, nervous, oversensitive, perfectionist, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, stubborn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Rejection, even on a small scale, like being turned down for an after-work drink
Facing an important milestone without the estranged party by one’s side
Discovering that the people who disowned one have welcomed new people into the fold (by adoption, embracing a sibling’s new boyfriend, opening the doors to new group members, etc.)
Facing a difficult situation where one really needs support but has none
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
A healthy relationship turning serious, creating a decision: end it before the other person can do so, or stick it out and risk vulnerability and possible rejection
The offender wanting to reconcile, creating a choice of whether or not one should give them a second chance
A situation where one is tempted to shun one’s own child (for drug abuse, theft, violence, etc.)
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING LET DOWN BY A TRUSTED ORGANIZATION OR SOCIAL SYSTEM
EXAMPLES
An employee witnessing corruption within his or her company
Discovering that a charity one supports is scamming people out of their money
A prisoner-of-war (POW) being abandoned by his government
A veteran being denied medical or psychological care
Discovering a trusted news network is slanting reports or ignoring stories based on politics or ratings
Being found guilty of a crime one didn’t commit
A child being abused or neglected in the foster care system
A student telling teachers and administration about bullying and being dismissed, ignored, or blamed
Dedicating one’s life to a company only to be unfairly fired or laid off