Examining every interaction with the beloved for signs of affection
Missing opportunities for romance with others because of one’s focus on the beloved
Sabotaging the person’s romantic relationships
Comparing suitors to the beloved and finding them lacking
Doing whatever the person wants out of a desire to win his or her love
Putting the beloved’s desires and goals ahead of one’s own
Taking pride in knowing the beloved better than anyone else
Fantasizing about being with this person
Becoming depressed and crying frequently
Going through periods of despair where one sees no hope of the dream coming to fruition
Making other relationships secondary (e.g., cancelling a night out with a friend if the beloved asks one to do something)
Always being available (sitting at home instead of going out, waiting for the phone to ring, etc.)
Vowing that if the beloved doesn’t return one’s feelings, one will never love anyone again
Vacillating between love, resentment, and anger toward the object of one’s affection
Using any means possible to gain the beloved’s attention
Believing that a personal defect is the reason for the rejection
Self-doubt and decreased confidence; questioning one’s intuition
Feeling deeply lonely, even though one might be surrounded by friends and family
Self-medicating through the abuse of drugs, alcohol, or food
Seeking out other partners in an effort to get over one’s beloved
Being angry at oneself for being unable to let go
Putting the person out of one’s mind as a way of moving on
Focusing on work, school, sports, and other hobbies to get one’s mind off the beloved
Seeing one’s ability to love wholeheartedly as a gift that can be applied to other relationships
Recognizing that one is just as worthwhile as the beloved and is deserving of happiness
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, analytical, cautious, diplomatic, discreet, empathetic, flirtatious, friendly, idealistic, loyal, observant, optimistic, passionate, patient, persistent, supportive, trusting, unselfish
Flaws: Catty, cynical, fanatical, foolish, grumpy, gullible, inhibited, insecure, jealous, manipulative, nagging, needy, nosy, obsessive, possessive, pushy, resentful, stubborn, subservient, timid
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Moving on only to misread another romantic situation and how the other party feels
Meeting someone with the same name as the beloved
Watching a co-worker try and cross the “friend zone” with a mutual friend and be successful
The beloved starting a relationship with someone one knows well, such as a friend or sibling
Seeing others fall in love and yearning for the same happiness
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Recognizing a pattern of falling into love with unattainable people and wishing to break the cycle
Noticing that one has changed dramatically in order to gain someone’s love (becoming possessive, losing one’s will and becoming whatever the beloved wants, etc.) and not liking it
Watching friends meet their soul mates while one is still languishing in this one-sided relationship
Seeing a darker side of the beloved and second-guessing whether he or she is worthy of one’s love
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
WRONGFUL IMPRISONMENT
EXAMPLES
Being mistaken for a criminal with physical similarities
Being set up as a scapegoat for someone else
Being found guilty due to a prejudiced jury or judge
Being found guilty due to the testimony of a mistaken or coerced witness
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
God must be punishing me for something I’ve done.
The system I trusted betrayed me; I’ll never be able to trust anyone or anything again.
There’s no point in following the rules if I’m going to be punished anyway.
Something was stolen from me and I will never be whole again.
Even if I get out, this will always follow me.
If I let someone else be in control, they’re going to take advantage of me.
The only justice I trust comes from my own hand.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
That they will never get out of jail
Being further victimized through an assault during the incarceration
Rejection; losing loved ones who believe in their guilt
Trusting others
People or a system that has power over their fate
That those in power will suppress new evidence to cover up the miscarriage of justice
That the truth will never come to light
Losing their identity through the trials of this ordeal
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Distrusting those in authority
Flouting the rules since following them didn’t do any good
Hating and acting out against the people one believes are to blame
Turning away from one’s faith
Becoming suspicious of the institutions and people one formerly trusted
Withdrawing from loved ones (returning letters or not showing up on visiting days) as a way of leaving them before they can do the same
Clinging tightly to loved ones
Being upset by disruptions to one’s access to loved ones (letters from home being held by those in charge, visits being cancelled, etc.); seeing these as further injustices
Not trusting what anyone has to say
Doubting oneself
Sucking up to the people who can help or offer protection
Becoming pessimistic or cynical in one’s thoughts and words
Lowering one’s expectations regarding what one will or can do
Resisting control as much as one can on the inside
Becoming controlling of others
Becoming antisocial; being disillusioned and fighting everyone and everything
Fantasizing about revenge against those who are to blame for one’s imprisonment
Engaging in self-destructive behaviors (using drugs, abusing alcohol, picking fights, etc.)
Becoming institutionalized over time; going with the flow of the routine rather than fighting it
Being determined to prove one’s innocence as a way of striking back
Educating oneself to self-advocate and try to figure out what happened
Seeking to change the system that’s broken
Growing stronger in one’s faith
Making the most of one’s situation rather than focusing on the things one can’t change
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, ambitious, calm, cautious, focused, industrious, just, observant, organized, pensive, persistent, philosophical, private, proactive, resourceful, socially aware, thrifty, tolerant
Flaws: Abrasive, addictive, antisocial, apathetic, callous, confrontational, controlling, cynical, defensive, hostile, pessimistic, resentful, temperamental, timid, uncooperative, volatile, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Watching TV programming or reading articles about life on the outside
Telling the truth about something else and not being believed again
Being falsely accused of something minor
Being called a murderer, a pervert, a psychopath, etc. (depending on what one is in for)
Talking to other inmates about their lives before jail
Mementos (letters, photos, etc.) that remind one of home
Dates that hold significance, such as one’s sentencing date or a child’s birthday
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
One’s appeal being denied
Leaving jail after a sentence ends but facing persecution on the outside
Realizing a dream is out of reach due to one’s record and facing a choice: adjust the goal or give up
Experiencing rejection by someone who should be loyal
Evidence coming to light that is being suppressed by those who don’t want the case reopened
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
MISPLACED TRUST AND BETRAYALS
A SIBLING’S BETRAYAL
EXAMPLES
A sibling starting false rumors or perpetuating existing ones
A sister exposing one’s shameful or embarrassing secret, like drug use or deviant behavior
A brother reporting one’s crime to the authorities
A sister taking sides with one’s rivals out of spite or to gain an advantage
Siblings who stage an intervention for drug addiction, drinking, or hoarding
A sister misrepresenting the truth to one’s parents to gain their favor
One’s twin openly acting inappropriately around one’s husband or wife, then denying it
A brother engaging in an affair with one’s partner
A sibling who turns others (family members, friends, a love interest, etc.) against one
A sibling taking advantage of a caregiver role to steal funds from one’s elderly parents
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Whatever I have, someone will always take it.
My sibling only wants to hold me back or ruin my life.
My sibling likes to hurt me however she can.
Blood is no thicker than water.
What’s the point of trying to excel when I’ll only be one-upped by him?
Even my family doesn’t respect me.
I am gullible and weak.
I’d be better off as an only child.
When you let people get close, they stab you in the back.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Vulnerability
Failure and the resulting ridicule
Achievements being sabotaged
Their secrets and dirty laundry being exposed
Trusting the wrong person
Losing family members due to the sibling’s lies (not getting to see nieces or nephews, having parents turn against them, etc.)
Being rejected by a loved one who believes a sibling’s lie or skewed account of events
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Avoiding family members, especially one’s sibling
Refusing to speak to or about the sibling
Talking badly about one’s brother or sister to others
Making excuses to get out of social engagements when the sibling will be attending
Having a distanced relationship with nieces and nephews
Cutting the individual out of one’s life (online and off)
Not sharing any personal information online
Growing quiet or irritable when one is forced to be around one’s sibling
Lying to one’s sibling when the truth matters to them
Difficulty sharing personal desires, goals, or feelings with others
Withdrawing into oneself; developing depression or anxiety
Forcing family members and friends to take sides
Being unable to let go; discussing the event often with others
Self-harming to deal with the pain
Increased drinking
Turning every situation in which the sibling is involved into a competition
Playing the blame game
Refusing to accept responsibility for the rift or what caused it, even if one shares the blame
Jumping to conclusions; seeing the worst-case scenario when it involves the sibling
Looking for opportunities to take revenge or complicate things for one’s sibling
Needing to be the best at everything to prove one’s self-worth
Holding onto anger even if an action was justified, such as an intervention meant to save one’s life
Being overly sensitive to signs of disloyalty from others
Vetting others carefully before letting them in and opening up to them
Creating healthy boundaries for the toxic people in one’s life
Disengaging in a healthy way; refusing to be a player in situations involving power and control
Becoming a safe haven for others who have experienced betrayal and rejection by loved ones
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, disciplined, discreet, empathetic, focused, independent, industrious, introverted, kind, observant, pensive, private, proactive, proper, simple, resourceful, tolerant
Flaws: Controlling, cruel, defensive, dishonest, evasive, hostile, hypocritical, impulsive, insecure, judgmental, martyr, self-destructive, suspicious, uncommunicative, vindictive, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Perceived disloyalty from someone else
Overhearing unkind gossip or secrets being spilled about someone
Hearing a family member reference the old feud as if one’s sibling was innocent
Being falsely accused of being disloyal to a friend, family member, one’s child, or co-worker
Family gatherings where one’s sibling may be present
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering a dark secret about the sibling and facing a moral conflict as to whether to keep it or not
Learning that a friend has committed a crime and should be turned in, but doing so requires betraying their trust
Seeing one’s child pull away due to the untruths being propagated by family members
Working to mend the relationship with the sibling only to be betrayed by him or her again
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
NOTES: A toxic relationship is one where the behaviors and attitudes of one person are consistently emotionally (and possibly physically) damaging to the other. While many times this occurs between romantic couples, it can happen between friends, co-workers, an employee and boss, a parent and child, siblings—any relationship where emotions are invested.
EXAMPLES: Relationships where one person…
Controls the other
Is jealous or possessive
Constantly lies
Gets what they want through manipulation and coercion
Physically or verbally abuses the other person, sabotaging their self-esteem
Makes the other person feel small, unimportant, or devalued
Plays the victim, always blaming the other person and denying responsibility for wrongdoing
Is chronically negative (always complaining)
Cheats repeatedly on the other
Is overly perfectionistic, with unrealistic expectations for others
Is extremely competitive and needs to win at everything
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
Some people are broken, but I can fix them.
When someone lashes out or hurts me, I shouldn’t take it personally.
Leaving people who need you would be selfish and disloyal.
I’m being treated badly by people because I deserve it.
Things will change when we get married (or have a baby, get away from my parents, etc.).
No one else will give me a chance; this is the best I can do.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Hurting someone who clearly needs love and acceptance
Not having the strength or will
to get out of a bad relationship
Never being good enough for someone else
Being a magnet for negativity and those who are toxic
Being trapped in a situation so long they also become toxic (pessimistic, hateful to others, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Always giving in to others
Invalidating one’s feelings as being selfish, over-reactive, or irrational
Feeling like one can never be oneself; always wearing a mask or adopting a persona to please others
Distancing oneself from everyone except the toxic person
Believing the lies people tell; being gullible
Wanting to “fix” others
Developing a martyr complex
Doubting one’s instincts
Internalizing the negative things the toxic person says, or making excuses for that person
Depression
Being drawn to other people who are toxic in some way
Feeling resentful toward those who take but never give, then feeling guilty for the resentment
Adopting a toxic person’s bad habits, like gossiping, complaining, lying, or manipulating
Feeling isolated, even in a relationship, because one is used to suppressing one’s feelings
Giving more than one receives
Struggling with a problem and having no outlet because one is used to friendships being one-sided
Not wanting to share one’s good news with others because one is so used to negative responses
Doing things one doesn’t want to do out of fear, guilt, or a sense of obligation
An increasingly negative outlook on life
Avoiding people who are takers
Recognizing the signs of toxicity in other relationships
Being highly empathetic
Being a peacekeeper through fairness and respect
Learning how to stand up for oneself and self-advocate
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Adaptable, affectionate, alert, cautious, cooperative, easygoing, empathetic, gentle, humble, loyal, nurturing, obedient, responsible, sentimental, supportive, tolerant, trusting