Avoiding responsibilities or choices that will impact others
Moving to a new city or town to get away from one’s past
Quitting one’s job—especially if it was part of the event
Avoiding friendships and not allowing people to get close
Lying about one’s past
Avoiding making decisions that will impact others
Seeing a therapist
Donating one’s time and energy to raise awareness or change laws that factored into the event
Trying to seek justice for the affected families
Advocating for humane treatment, either for animals or people groups
Becoming a vegan
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cautious, courageous, discreet, empathetic, focused, humble, independent, industrious, merciful, nature-focused, pensive, persistent, private, proactive, thrifty, wise
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, cowardly, cynical, defensive, humorless, indecisive, morbid, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, scatterbrained, self-destructive, temperamental, timid
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing a dead body
Witnessing an accident that causes harm or kills someone
Stories on the news that are similar to the past event
Attending a funeral
Receiving hate mail
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering that those in power are doing nothing to prevent the situation from reocurring
Being caught in a life or death situation where one must act or others will die
Witnessing someone being duped or groomed to commit an atrocity
Circumstances forcing one back into the position one held when the event occurred (e.g., a bus driver involved in a large-scale accident having to drive people to safety in an emergency)
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
BEING LEGITIMATELY INCARCERATED FOR A CRIME
NOTES: Serving a jail sentence is a hard thing to go through and can definitely impact a person. But other difficulties arise once the inmate is set free, especially after a lengthy stay in prison. To that end, this entry explores wounds associated with someone who was once incarcerated but has re-entered society.
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m not safe; I always have to be looking over my shoulder.
People will only see me as a convict.
I’ll always be a screw-up.
No one will ever trust me.
I don’t deserve happiness and can never make up for what I did.
I won’t be able to realize my dreams.
I’ve ruined any chance of reconciling with my loved ones.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Returning to jail
Losing their few supportive relatives or friends
Not being able to support themselves through legitimate means
Falling back into the unhealthy habits that resulted in the incarceration
Being defined by their crime
That younger loved ones (siblings, children, nieces, nephews, etc.) will follow in their footsteps
Never finding love or acceptance
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Struggling with anger and bitterness (toward oneself or others)
Hoarding one’s belongings; being overly possessive of material things
Becoming serious about safety (being alert when walking after dark, augmenting home security, etc.)
Fearing the police and other security officials
Obeying blindly out of a desire to stay out of trouble
Rebelling against authority and the law
Habitually (and subconsciously) adhering to one’s jail schedule
Continuing to use the prison slang and vernacular one grew accustomed to
Flying under the radar; never drawing attention to oneself
Not thinking for oneself
Withdrawing from others
Falling into addiction as a coping mechanism
Drifting aimlessly without any clear goals
Trying to succeed on one’s own and refusing all help
Returning to criminal activity, either because one can’t support oneself legitimately or because the activities are habitual or safe
Never speaking about one’s jail experiences
Trying to solve problems with one’s fists (because of experiences in jail)
Angry outbursts resulting from stress (due to employment roadblocks, being shunned by family, etc.)
Exaggerating one’s experiences to make oneself look good to others
Avoiding family due to a fear of letting them down or the belief that they don’t want contact
Struggling with friction that occurs when one returns to a family role (having kids who refuse to listen, a spouse who is used to complete independence, etc.)
Sticking close to any family members or friends who reach out after one’s release
Avoiding the places, people, and pastimes that were part of one’s life before jail
Becoming socially active to effect change
Being grateful for things that others take for granted
Being content with little when it comes to material things
Becoming a hard worker in an effort to prove oneself
Pursuing a career field where one’s criminal record isn’t a factor
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Alert, ambitious, appreciative, bold, cautious, discreet, easygoing, humble, independent, loyal, obedient, patient, pensive, persistent, private, protective, resourceful, simple, thrifty
Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, callous, cocky, confrontational, cynical, defensive, devious, disrespectful, evasive, hostile, martyr, needy, nervous, paranoid, pessimistic, possessive, prejudiced, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, timid, uncommunicative, volatile, weak-willed, withdrawn
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Seeing police officers and vehicles on the street
Running into former criminal associates
Being visited by police when there’s a crime in the area
Having to check in with one’s parole officer
Sirens and flashing lights
Seeing a child or spouse one hasn’t seen in a while and regretting the missed time
Small rooms
Being locked or confined in a room
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Wanting to reach out to an estranged love one but being afraid to do so
Being cut out of someone’s life and knowing one must repair the damage for reconciliation to occur
Being threatened by police due to one’s record and wanting to live a life free of harassment
Seeing one’s child acting out as a result of one’s absence or a social stigma
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
CAVING TO PEER PRESSURE
EXAMPLES
Trying drugs or drinking alcohol so one can fit in
Joining others in bullying a classmate
Going along with the group mindset to exclude certain people who are different
Engaging in vandalism or theft because one’s friends are doing it
Keeping a secret when one knows it’s wrong
Covering for friends if they get into trouble (providing an alibi, misrepresenting facts, etc.)
Agreeing to have sex even though it’s not what one wants
Pressuring someone into having sex to prove one’s prowess to peers
Allowing friends to party at one’s house though one’s parents (if they knew) wouldn’t allow it
Suffering through hazing rituals because it’s expected
Quitting an activity because others think it’s stupid
Joining a gang, cult, fringe group,
club, sorority, team, or religion due to social pressure
Dressing or behaving a certain way because one’s social circle demands it
Ending a friendship because one’s peers disapprove of that person
Not challenging oneself because friends would see it as being uppity or acting “too good for them”
Compromising one’s religious beliefs as a way of blending in
Hiding one’s sexual orientation to avoid persecution
Participating in activities that force one to lie to a spouse
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I’m weak and pathetic.
I am a coward for not standing up for what’s right.
I don’t know who I am.
If people find out who I truly am or what I believe, they will not accept me.
If I hadn’t done it, someone else would have.
If I tell the truth no one will believe me.
One person can’t change things.
Fitting in is better than standing out.
Blending in is the only way to get ahead.
It’s always safer to pretend.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Situations that put them in a corner (e.g., fearing parties after giving in to a demand for sex at one)
Authorities and people who have power or influence
A secret being discovered
Being blackmailed
Having to face consequences for what they did under duress
Making a mistake they cannot undo
Becoming a victim
Being cast out by their peers
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Hiding one’s feelings
Saying and doing what’s expected rather than what one wants to do
Retreating into oneself, closing off from family and close friends
One’s esteem hitting rock bottom
Feeling trapped by one’s circumstances and choices
Fantasizing about escaping one’s predicament or going back in time to undo something one did
Sabotaging happiness out of guilt
Self-harming or developing an eating disorder
Punishing oneself (giving away beloved items, pushing away true friends, failing on purpose, etc.)
Encouraging others to compromise themselves so one can feel better about one’s choices
Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs
Subtly avoiding a group of peers (e.g., feigning illness to avoid a work get-together)
Lashing out at others
Wanting to hurt those who are doing the coercing
Engaging in acts of revenge against those causing the situation
Not thinking about the future
Wanting to talk to someone about it (like a friend or co-worker) but being afraid of being judged
Trying to make up for one’s failing to another by showing kindness when peers aren’t around
Writing down one’s feelings, or leaving a record of what happened
Requesting to work on a different project so one can avoid those applying the pressure
Becoming a voice for justice (e.g., outing offenders either anonymously or openly)
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Cooperative, disciplined, friendly, funny, obedient, persuasive, proper, wise
Flaws: Abrasive, apathetic, callous, catty, cocky, confrontational, cowardly, dishonest, disloyal, disrespectful, evasive, gullible, hypocritical, insecure, irresponsible, macho
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
Witnessing bullying firsthand
Witnessing exclusion or terrorizing as an adult (among parents, co-workers, etc.)
Being the butt of a prank or joke within one’s group of friends or co-workers
Being teased or ridiculed for disagreeing or voicing concerns
Being manipulated by a family member (to come for a visit, help out with a project, etc.)
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
One’s child hanging out with a bad crowd that is targeting someone or breaking the law
Being asked to cover up a crime (company fraud, a relative’s assault, etc.)
Seeing inequity in the workplace, a school, a club, etc. and realizing how unfair it is
Seeing a co-worker being pressured or mistreated while everyone turns a blind eye
A similar situation that provides the chance to make a better choice than last time
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHOOSING TO NOT BE INVOLVED IN A CHILD’S LIFE
EXAMPLES
A biological parent who chose to give up custody rights
A mother or father who gave up a child for adoption
Sending a child away to live in an institution because of a severe physical or mental condition
Moving out of the country after a divorce
A parent who was never around because of work and travel
Immigrating to another country to receive better opportunities but having to leave family behind
Drug or alcohol problems leading to lost custody and visitation rights
Making choices that lead to an incarceration and little access to one’s child
Neglecting one’s child out of a desire to pursue personal interests or hobbies
Sending a child away to boarding or military school
BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, self-actualization
FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED
I can never make up for the past.
The best thing I can do is stay away.
My chance at being a good parent is gone.
People shouldn’t rely on me because I’ll only let them down.
My child is better off without me.
Now that my child is grown, it’s pointless to try and make amends.
I am not worthy of a second chance.
I do more damage than good.
THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…
Being alone for the rest of their life
Making mistakes that cannot be undone
Letting a loved one down again
Responsibility, especially for others
Having other children, either naturally or through adoption
Being the target of the child’s wrath and disappointment
Relationships that mirror a parent-child dynamic (being an uncle, a teacher, a mentor, etc.)
POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS
Working long hours so one has less time for thinking
Avoiding places and activities where children are found
Driving past the child’s home or school
Watching one’s child through social media
Calling one’s ex-partner and hanging up
Writing emails or messages but not sending them
Going to kid-friendly venues to feel connected (watching movies that one’s child might watch, visiting hangout spots, etc.)
Adopting hobbies that would be age-appropriate for one’s child (geocaching, coloring, collecting baseball cards, etc.)
Being hyperaware of children who share similarities with one’s child
Pulling out old photos or mementos (if one has them)
Buying gifts for one’s child but not sending them
Tracking a child’s accomplishments from afar
Mentally rehearsing a conversation that explains why one was absent
Wondering what one’s child is doing and imagining their routine
Fantasizing about the relationship one could have with the child if one could be forgiven
Planning trips and excursions one might take with one’s child
Volunteering one’s time, especially to youth causes
Mentoring young people in on
e’s sphere of influence as a way of making amends
PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM
Attributes: Affectionate, empathetic, generous, idealistic, pensive, persistent, protective, sentimental, tolerant
Flaws: Addictive, controlling, cowardly, defensive, evasive, hypocritical, impulsive, indecisive, jealous, nagging, needy, nosy, obsessive, perfectionist, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart
TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND
The announcement of a close friend or family member’s pregnancy
Seeing bonding examples (a mother and son fishing together, a father and daughter eating ice cream at the park, etc.)
Witnessing a parent’s poor parenting style
Having a friend who never makes time for their child
Being invited to a child’s birthday party
A co-worker mentioning a parenting problem and asking for advice on what to do about it
Being in places that are special for children (fun centers, theme parks, puppet shows, etc.)
Noticing colored drawings clipped to a friend’s refrigerator or clay gifts on a co-worker’s desk
Visiting someone’s home and seeing a display of family photos
TV commercials and movie trailers that target the child’s age group
Friends or co-workers who tell stories about their kids
Being asked if one has kids
OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND
Discovering one will be a mother or father again
Finding out one’s child is sick or has been injured
Discovering one’s child has gone down a dark path (is in jail, has a drug habit, etc.)
Reaching the step in an addiction recovery program where one must make amends
Wanting to fill a parenting or mentoring role for another because they desperately need it
Falling in love with someone who has children
Caring for someone who had an absentee parent and seeing the damage it continues to cause
Discovering that one’s child is suffering abuse or neglect by someone close to them
RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS